Cookery Programmes

I love cookery programmes, but sometimes I just feel there are rather too many of them.  I've also noticed that a lot of it seems to be style over practicality, the cult of (extreme) personality and the linkages through to celebrity endorsement of products (books, cookware ranges etc)

Yes Chef!

There’s nothing on telly these days,

Except for cookery shows,

And they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,

How many are there?  Nobody knows!

Somebody should tell ‘er, that Nigella,

To stop licking her fingers,

And they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,

Cos food pornography lingers.

It’s a shame-y, about Jamie,

A cheeky chappy, who’s always happy,

But they’re all bitchin’ in his kitchen,

About recipes that are too snappy.

I could fall, for Heston Blumenthal,

And be in luck, at The Fat Duck,

Cos they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,

But his snail porridge tastes rather….yuck!

I’d set at defiance, his gastronomic science,

And loudly scream, at bacon-and-egg ice-cream,

For they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,

Prices a nightmare, but food that’s a dream.

What do you do, with Michel Roux?

It’s very hard, to be Michelin-starred,

And they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,

Cos he’s French, to understand him is hard.

Myself I would plonk, beside Raymond Blanc,

Another Frenchman, I have to mention.

And they’re all bitchin’ in his kitchen,

When he uses sous-chefs as his henchmen.

I’m still smartin’, over James Martin,

Trying to be the best, with every celebrity guest,

Yes they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,

When he cooks his rare pigeon breast.

There’s pottage, in River Cottage,

They all have a ball, no portions are small,

For they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,

When Hugh Fearlessly Eats It All.

We’ll have ham, see, with Gordon Ramsey,

It’s absurd, when he’s carving a bird,

And they’re all bitchin’ in his kitchen,

When he gives them the F-word!

I’m still looking for genuine cooking,

Something to feed long-distance hikers,

I don’t want any bitchin’ in the kitchen,

When I run into the Hairy Bikers. 

We’ve had haddock, with Fanny Craddock,

We were never annoyed, with Keith Floyd,

But now they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,

And the real workers are getting annoyed. 

There’s a certain quality, about the cult of personality,

It’s not about who cooks, but more about looks,

And they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,

When the profit’s in coffee-table books. 

See - I’m damned, if I care about brand,

It gets me stewed, and in a right mood,

No wonder they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,

It’s nothing to do with real food! 

Look there – another range of cook-ware!

Am I really meant, to trust their endorsement?

That’s why they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,

That’s where the Marketing money all went! 

No - what I really like best, is a good contest,

I go quite a load, for that John Torode,

And they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,

When their soufflés explode. 

They use Neff, on Masterchef,

Contestants in apron and hat,

And they’re all twitchin’ in that kitchen,

Cos cooking doesn’t get harder than that!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012