Kindling

Kindling

Many years ago

I saw your blackened face

As it shone by firelight

With beads of sweat

Streaking whitened paths

Through the sooty grime

As it dripped into your beard 

You stood above the flames

Your features darkened

By shadows flickering

Tending to your bonfire

Watching the orange fingers

Leafing through the pages

As they turned them over, one by one

And burned them fiercely

Within the conflagration 

The blasphemous words

Dangerous thoughts

And heretical teachings

Within those banished books

Made easy fuel for flames

Mere card and paper

Covers and bindings

Consumed within the smoke

Rendered down to ash

So that none might read them any more 

But now your brow seems furrowed

As you wonder what to do

With all this glass and plastic

Metal and electronica

Casings and batteries

Of phones and iPads

And other hand-held gadgets

That will not catch alight

Nor burn with any purpose 

This digital economy

Its airwaves alive with anarchy

Downloaded through the ether

A seditious cyberspace

That cannot be controlled

A communications spectrum

That provides its own oxygen

Requiring nothing else to Kindle

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012

Leek & Smoked Salmon Tart

Recipe for: LEEK & SMOKED SALMON TART

Ingredients: 

• 400-500g shortcrust pastry (polenta pastry works well here)
• 50g butter
• 700g leeks, very finely sliced, washed & drained
• Sprigs of fresh thyme, leaves only (or dried mixed herbs)
• 200ml double cream
• 2 eggs
• 200g smoked salmon, cut into small slices/ pieces
• 75g gruyere, grated
• 30-50g parmesan, very finely grated

Method: 

1. heat oven to 200C/ fan 180C/ gas 6
2. butter/ grease a 20cm tart dish
3. roll out the pastry and carefully line the dish with it, pricking the bottom lightly with a fork
4. line pastry case with baking paper & fill with baking beans
5. bake for 15 minutes, or until base is crisp
6. reduce oven heat to 180C/ fan 160C/ gas 4
7. remove baking beans & baking paper
8. meanwhile, melt butter in a large frying pan & cook leeks for 5-7 minutes until soft & collapsed, adding thyme/ herbs
9. remove from heat and allow to cool completely
10. meanwhile, mix eggs and cream with some salt & pepper (you can add a little crème fraiche or yoghurt at this point)
11. spread the smoked salmon in the pastry case, then add the leeks and most of the grated gruyere
12. carefully pour in the egg/ cream mixture, making sure that mixture mixes in properly with the leeks and salmon
13. sprinkle the top with the remaining gruyere, the parmesan and a few herbs
14. return the dish to the oven and cook for 35-40 minutes until the tart is set and just beginning to brown at the edges.

What else you need to know: 

1. best served warm (rather than hot) with a mixed salad
2. reheats and freezes well

I Think It's My Age

Turning Into My Own Father

It’s no use, I can see it now

The mirror does not lie

I find myself looking at a man

That is me, yet is not me

And who looks vaguely familiar

And, although I cannot place him

I’m sure he is not a stranger 

The fullness of his face

The receding hairline

Ebbs back from his face

In that same pattern

That I’ve seen in photographs

The sepia tones

Of many generations

That went before me 

The darkness of hooded eyes

Looking back towards me

As if posing unanswerable questions

His fuller, uneven lips

His thickening jowls

His jaw-line set heavy

And the slackness of muscles

Draws deeper, longer lines

Within his sagging skin

And tells a story of its own 

He returns my stare unblinking

His face implacable and calm

But tired, deadly tired

As if this will be the last time

That he will stand so still

And allow himself to be inspected

His features picked over

In the ghastly bathroom light 

And at last I am forced to look away

Unable to hold his gaze any longer

And to make the excuse

That I am too busy

To spend more time

On this sad reflection

And I am left to wonder

If his eyes continue to follow me

Around the room

Long after I have stepped aside

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012

Existential Angst

Cat’s Cry

How your crying disturbs me

Makes me sit up and listen

To you prowling round the room

Along the edges and into the corners

Seeking something that is not there

And that you will never find 

The pitiful sound

That mewling tone

Of fear and desperation

Catches at me, snags on something

That makes me want to comfort you

To tell you that it’s alright

That I’m here for you 

But you do not understand me

When I try to soothe you

The words have no meaning

In your world

And soon the feline frenzy passes

Back into indifference

And you cease to enquire

Into the meaning of your existence

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012

Medlar Honey

Recipe for: MEDLAR HONEY 

Ingredients:

• 1.5 to 2 kg firm, unbletted, medlars, straight from the tree
• 1 kg preserving sugar

Method: 

1. wash, then chop all the medlars roughly (skin, seeds & all)
2. place in a heavy pan & cover with water
3. bring to the boil, then simmer till completely mushy
4. tip everything into a jelly bag & leave everything to drip into a bowl overnight (let it drip through at its own pace - don't try & force it through, or the final results will be cloudy)
5. next day, measure the juice & return to the (clean) pan
6. add an equal amount of sugar, stirring until it dissolves, then boil rapidly until setting point which should take about 35-40 minutes
7. pot up into clean, warm, sterilised jars
8. cool, seal & label

What else you need to know: 

1. medlars are generally low in pectin, so it’s quite hard to get a proper set
2. if it sets, it’s jelly
3. if it doesn’t set, it’s honey
4. either way it’s delicious, so don’t worry about it

 

News From Bromham - Dateline Sunday 25th November 2012

Bulletin From Bromham: Dateline – 25^th November 2012

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Bromham:

·       After several rounds of extensive shuttle diplomacy, a formal cease-fire has been declared in the Bromham – Seend conflict.  For over twenty-four hours now, no further rockets have been launched from the Seend enclave into Southern Bromham.  In turn Bromham has ceased its drone flights over the area, but has kept its missile defence system (Operation Carrotclad) in place in case of any future incursions.  The border along the banks of the K&A canal has remained quiet.

·       Great debate continues this week in anticipation of the publication of the Levergate Report into parsnip regulation.  The parsnip-growers have launched a barrage of advertisements in the Parish Magazine pleading for a continuation of the current system of parsnip self-regulation, but there is widespread agreement among the non parsnip-growers that a system of vegetable rules now needs to be brought in.

·       For details of these and all other Bromham stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station Carrot FM.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012

Mermaid In Heaven

Mermaid In Heaven

‘Twas upon a stormy day that I chanced,

To walk the shore in thought deeply enrapt,

When I heard a pitiful sound of woe,

And saw a poor girl on the rocks, entrapped. 

It was her fishy tail and scaly flukes,

As the waves on the rocks crashed all around,

The fins and a strong smell of haddock,

That revealed her watery background. 

Her flowing hair it shone like seaweed,

And around her naked shoulders all arrayed,

She wore a long necklace of pearly shells:

And at once I knew she must be a mermaid. 

I helped her to wriggle herself free,

And pulled her out on to the wind-swept strand.

That’s when I realised, in a sudden flash,

That what was in it for me - was sand.

There and then I plighted my troth,

In love I’d fallen – I had no real choice -

She was young, and beautiful and sexy:

It wasn’t by mere chance, but on porpoise. 

But she was demure, and she was shy -

She resisted, and questioned my taste.

She said “it’s all very well up here on top,

But it’s all different below the waist.” 

I said that it was just a red herring,

And that we’d soon learn to get along.

In the name of all that was coley,

Together, with cod’s help, we’d be strong. 

And so it was that we were married,

By the sea-shore, with gentle lighting.

Her uncle Turbot gave the bride away,

And the darling girl was dressed in whiting. 

Our friends thought we were too different,

And they said so, right from the start.

And the cats were always a bit suspicious,

Sniffing around her nethermost part. 

But we embarked upon our married life,

We set up home and, as is often the rule,

Soon our little herrings came along -

No trouble getting them into school!

 

Of course we had a few differences,

For she’d been born as a marine being:

She couldn’t dance, was hopeless at football,

And it was pointless taking her skiing. 

But there were a few positive things too:

She swam by the side when we went on a cruise,

You never needed more salt in your food,

And she never went shopping for shoes. 

Naturally we had a plaice of our own,

And, at first, we had a whale of a time,

But she began to spend more time in the bath,

And to dream of the salty sea’s rime. 

Of course, it was all doomed not to last -

She developed a slow swimming motion.

The Dolphin shower just wasn’t enough,

And she began to pine for the ocean. 

I knew that I could never stop her,

I couldn’t be such a Pollack, or so fake:

I had to let her eel her way back home -

You could say I did it for her own hake. 

And so it was that we finally parted,

And she went back to her home in the sea.

It’s all left me quite badly affected,

And I don’t fancy fish and chips for my tea.

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012

Fifty Shades of Gravy

Fifty Shades of Gravy (a modern romance)

How long have I loved thee my darling ? –

I guess it was since I was but a mere child,

But the slightest thought of devouring you,

Is guaranteed to drive me quite wild! 

For this is a very serious subject,

And, I don’t like to seem naughty or coarse,

But we’re talking about that sticky stuff,

Which some numpties still refer to as “sauce”.

I hate it when things are all watery -

To have it like that is surely a sin,

It needs to have some kind of substance,

It serves no purpose if it’s too thin. 

It just slips off all over the place,

And everything starts sliding around,

It doesn’t keep the right things together,

You need something thicker, I’ve found. 

You see it has to have the right texture,

And about this I know I’m quite picky,

But if it doesn’t have enough body,

It’ll never stand up and be sticky. 

Without it, things just won’t move along,

And you’ll be left wondering why,

And if it’s not adequately lubricious,

You’ll find everything tends to be dry. 

A lack of lubrication’s a problem,

And can render you exceedingly grumpy,

The thing you don’t expect when you get down to it,

Is for it all to feel terribly lumpy. 

And if the flavour’s not tasty enough,

It can leave you feeling quite queasy,

And the last thing you want at this juncture,

Is something that’s oily or greasy. 

It’s got to be configured just right,

For the appetite it needs to induce,

To bring forth great oral pleasure,

You must have plenty of juice! 

No, you can’t have it too firm or too runny,

Such liquid upon you I just wouldn’t foist,

But something for the meat and two veggies,

It’s best to have everything flowing and moist. 

Yes the moisture derives from the meat,

It’s what you need, if you’re to have dripping,

The jus and the fat come together,

And it’s like on nectar you’re sipping. 

Of course, I speak not of jelly, but gravy,

Made with Oxo, Bisto or browning,

Where on your plate there’s an ocean or lake,

And the roast spuds are waving, not drowning. 

So, I appeal to you ladies out there,

If you want something that’ll cut the mustard,

Make sure you’ve got plenty of gravy,

And avoid shark-infested custard!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012

Autumn Pudding

Recipe for: AUTUMN/ SUMMER PUDDING 

Ingredients: 

• 1.4kg seasonal fruits, washed & cleaned
• Summer – raspberries, plums, red/ blackcurrants
• Autumn – pears, apples, blackberries
• 75g caster sugar
• ½ pack fruit jelly (e.g. raspberry)
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 9 slices thick white bread, stale, crusts removed

Method: 

1. prepare the fruit appropriately (peel/ core/ slice apples & pears), dicing into small chunks
2. place in a pan with the sugar, jelly, cinnamon & 100ml water
3. bring to the boil & simmer gently until the fruit has softened (10-20 minutes)
4. meanwhile cut six of the bread slices in half diagonally.  From the remaining 3 slices, cut circles to fit the top & bottom of a 1.5litre pudding basin
5. place the bottom piece in the base of the basin, then use the triangles to line the sides of the basin, overlapping & leaving no gaps, trimming as required
6. once the hard fruits are soft, add the berries (which should be left whole) to the warm fruit, but reserve a few whole berries for serving later
7. stir gently to mix & simmer for 2 minutes
8. remove from the heat & spoon into the bread-lined basin, reserving 4 tblsp of the juice
9. pack the fruit down tightly, then cover with the bread lid
10. cover the lid with a circle of grease-proof paper to fit
11. cover the bowl loosely with cling film
12. put the bowl on a baking tray
13. put a saucer or dish which is smaller than the lid on the top, then weigh it down with weights or cans and leave in the fridge overnight
14. next day, to serve, remove the cling-film & weights, then carefully run a round-bladed knife around the edge of the basin
15. put an upturned plate over the basin, then turn the whole lot over & hope/ pray that the pudding turns out OK
16. spoon over the reserved juice, decorate with the reserved berries & a sprinkle of caster sugar

What else you need to know: 

1. serves 4 to 6 people

A Poem For Movember

For all those of us that are trying to grow a moustache from scratch for Movember........

By A Whisker

Remember, Remember, now it’s November,

It’s time that we all had a bash,

Time to think of men’s prostate charities,

And had a go at growing a moustache! 

This ain’t a task to be taken lightly,

To be altering your features so facial,

Especially when starting from scratch,

And the rate of production is glacial. 

It can change your appearance quite sudden,

As the first fluff appears on the lip,

But it takes longer than you might at first think,

Before, with scissors, you’re ready to snip. 

So while you’re waiting for the bristles to grow,

You can anticipate what might appear beneath,

Along that delicate, thin strip of skin,

Between your nose, and your lips and your teeth. 

You start with a stencil, the shape of a pencil,

Then, as it becomes lush, more like a bush,

You can raise the bar to greater ambition,

Till you’ve got something more like a toothbrush. 

Then you can start piling and styling,

It’s not too taxing, while you’re relaxing,

You feel like a Charley, and look something like Dali,

But that requires much more curling and waxing. 

Then your style can get more creative:

There’s lots you can do, with hair that’s all new:

You could go far, with a large handlebar,

Or train it to look like Fu Manchu. 

You’d look no fatter, with a Zapata,

A Mexican style that looks pretty dapper,

Careful engraving, done whilst you’re shaving,

And you’ll end up looking like Frank Zappa.

If you’ve material, to grow an Imperial,

And you can do this without any fuss,

Then you’re well on your way to celebrity,

And will soon resemble a walrus. 

When you’ve got there, you can say that you’ve made it;

You can afford to be all cock-a-hoop:

Remember the greatest use for a moustache

Is something for straining your soup!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012

The Tax Avoidance Blues

A Taxing Problem

Times is tough and money is short;

It’s hard to know what to do;

The creditors keep asking for payment,

Especially the Inland Revenue.

But now there’s something that’s bothering me,

It’s difficult to know where to start,

‘Cause some people have hired accountants,

And made tax-avoidance into an art. 

It’s all done through complex company structures,

Where they shift all their profits off-shore,

Paying far less than they really oughter,

And making out that, really, they’re poor! 

The Yanks seem to be especially cute,

Hiding their earnings in crannies and nooks.

I’m talking about Google and Amazon,

And especially about Starbucks. 

But they’re not the only ones in the game,

Who seek for their taxes to minimise,

By shifting their trading operations,

And their sales figures to disguise. 

It might all be technically legal,

But morally, ethically, it’s not right.

It’s time that we did something about it,

It’s time for us all to put up a fight! 

These corporations can afford to pay tax,

If they want to trade here in our market.

It’s time they made the right contribution –

Otherwise, we should tell them where they can park it! 

They’re earning millions and billions,

Selling us books, DVDs and coffee.

The Government seem powerless to act,

And can’t spot the loopholes for toffee. 

So let us consumers lead a fight-back,

Let’s see how much spending power we’ve got;

Time to vote with our purchasing choices,

And hit them with the tactics of boycott. 

I’m fed up with being taken to the cleaners,

I’m almost at the end of my tether,

And I swear I’ll belt that idiot Cameron,

If he says again that “we’re all in it together”!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012

Application for the post of Governor Of The Bank Of England

Application for the post of Governor Of The Bank Of England

Dear Sirs,

                                I read your advertisement for the post of Governor Of The Bank Of England in last week’s Economist with great interest, and I would like to apply for the role. 

Obviously you will be interested to learn of the skills and aptitudes I possess that would fit me for the requirements of this role.  I shall attempt to outline these below. 

1.       Good economic knowledge – although I am not entirely clued up about LIBOR and the European Exchange Mechanism, I have often used an Excel spreadsheet.  I can use all the basic functions, and am teaching myself how to use formulas.  If there is anything needed beyond this, I understand that there are a range of self-help tutorials available from Microsoft.  Regarding your reference to QE, I assume this refers to the Queen Elizabeth and can assure you that, although I have not personally travelled on this liner, my Auntie travelled to New York on it a few months ago, and can answer any questions that you may have.

2.       Long-range economic forecasting – well, how long is a piece of string?  That feller you had before, that Marlon King was he called? He didn’t seem to be too clued up about it, did he?  However, I’d be prepared to have a go.  For example, I would predict that if I am unsuccessful in this application, I will remain skint for the foreseeable future.  I would also venture to suggest that if Greece pulls out of the Euro anytime soon, my holiday in Corfu is going to get a whole lot cheaper.  Am I wrong about this?  You tell me!

3.       Money Supply – I have personal experience of this in spades.  Having several teenage daughters, I fully understand that there is not enough of this.  If the money supply could be increased, I feel sure that the demand for it would quickly subside.  No problem there, I’m sure you’ll agree.

4.       Good Interpersonal Skills – You know, I like, totally get that?  I once worked in a Call Centre, so I have done the two-day course on how to talk to punters.  I know that some of the callers can be, like, complete idiots, but you have to be real careful about what you say to them.  A colleague of mine once told a customer to “get a life”, but I would never do that.  Not while the call was still live anyway.

5.       Monetary Policy Committee – it’s like chairing a meeting once a month, right?  How hard can that be?  I had a job once where I had to go to meetings, like, once a day sometimes.  You need have no sweat on this one.

6.       Dealing with senior politicians – if you mean those Tory posh-boys Cameron and Osborne, don’t worry, we used to beat the crap out of people worse than that on the school bus pretty regular.  They soon shut up once you pinch their dinner money.  And you don’t really have to talk to that other adenoidal one if you don’t want to, right?  He’s a Miliband, isn’t he?  Is it Ed or David these days?  I forget which, but I can soon find out if it’s important. 

I’m sure you’ll agree that this makes me a very strong candidate, and I look forward to my all expenses-paid trip to London for the interview.  However, before deciding whether it’s worth my while coming all that way, there are a few questions I have for you which I would like answering first: 

1.       Is there any shift work involved?  I’m not at my best in the mornings, particularly Mondays.  And I need to get away by about 5pm so that I’ve got time to go to the pub before the good stuff comes on TV in the evenings.

2.       Do I get any staff discount on new money?

3.       Will I be able to use the money-printing machine for private purposes at week-ends?  Will I have an executive key or something?

4.       What make of executive limousine do you normally provide?  I don’t like Rollers or Bentleys cause the kids round here tend to throw bricks at them, but I would consider a Jaguar or a Ferrari.

5.       How often do you pay out obscene levels of bonus?  I only ask because Christmas was a bit tough last year and we’d like to get a bigger turkey this time if possible. 

Finally, I’d just like to say, with regard to the interview, that it would be best to avoid Thursdays, as that is the day I have to pick up my Job Seeker’s Allowance. 

All the best………..Andy Fawthrop

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012

News From Bromham - Dateline Sunday 18th November 2012

Bulletin From Bromham: Dateline – 18^th November 2012

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Bromham:

·      The entire village of Bromham has been arrested by the police in connection with their ongoing “Operation Total Panic” regarding stories of child abuse, incest and in-breeding during the 1950s and 1960s.  There was a queue of solicitors over two miles long waiting to make statements to the (largely uninterested) press group of three reporters, as their clients were released on bail.

·      Twenty-seven members of the Bromham Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) have stepped aside into different roles, to make room for new colleagues who are either taking part in enquiries into previous editorial decisions, or else making programmes about editorial control, or making documentaries into the nature of programmes which look into enquiries about the lack of editorial control over programmes about editorial control.

·      As part of Bromham’s Twinning Programme, a cricket XI is playing an exhibition game against twin-town Bromhamerabad in Southern India.  The host side scored 2256 for 7 declared in their first innings.  In reply the plucky Bromham tourists were struggling against the Indian spin attack at 27 for 8, still requiring 2029 runs to avoid the follow-on.

·         For details of these and all other Bromham stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station Carrot FM.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012