A Self-Assembly Apology

A Self-Assembly Apology

There have been rather too many so-called apologies published in the national press lately.  Apart from many of them appearing to be somewhat insincere and self-serving, after a while a lot of them start to sound very much the same.  Therefore, in the interests of efficiency and reusability, here is an apology that you can build yourself from a set of standard components.

These instructions are sponsored by IKEA.

1.       Firstly check that your Apology Pack contains all the components and quantities shown on the enclosed leaflet, and that you have all the requisite personal tools to attempt this Apology.  These include:

o   self-confidence in your position,

o   3mm of unjustified Arrogance and

o   2 pints of Crocodile Tears (not supplied);

2.       Begin by inserting the two standard grovelling paragraphs in the space provided;

3.       Connect these to the Blaming Supply-Chain module in Section 7;

4.       Unscrew Paragraph 2 and insert the thin, grovelling-passage about customer loyalty.  NOTE: Take care not to get these two paragraphs confused;

5.       Remove paragraph 4 and insert diagonally into the horizontal plane;

6.       Slot Justification A into Apology G, and Excuse B firmly into the upper part of Explanation J;

7.       Continue to screw the message into your customers until it will not go any further.  Do not over-tighten;

8.       Slide this into the rear of paragraph 9;

9.       Replace all verbs throughout the half-assembled Apology using the packet of patronising adjectives provided (not provided);

10.   Whilst firmly holding up two fingers, grasp the issue by the horns, and with a single deft movement, take the piss out of anyone who does not match up evenly with the statement in paragraph 5;

11.   Add three of the bald-faced Spurious Facts to the Apology.  Ensure that they are fitted underneath the Main Statement, so that they do not show clearly.  If necessary, use an Asterisk (not supplied).  In exceptional cases, use a special Double Asterisk (which are available from specialist punctuation suppliers);

12.   Attach the glossy Government Department Report to section 7, but ensure that it does not interfere with paragraphs 3 & 4;

13.   If required, you may now paint the Apology with a layer of greasy, non-stick Platitude.  Alternatively a simple coat of oily Disingenuity may be preferred;

14.   Finally, stand the Apology upright to see whether it falls over.  If necessary, adjust the Straight Lie in the top left-hand corner until it balances again;

15.   After this, if the Apology does not work properly, please return it with all the packaging to the over-rated Ad Agency you bought it from.  Your statutory rights are not affected.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015