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She got it mail-order – it came in a large van -
She’d been wanting it since last December,
And with a flourish of her credit card,
There it was – a new family member.
Now I like to think I’m as clean as the next man,
And with a duster I’m a lovely mover,
But ‘Er Indoors goes in for extreme cleaning,
And she’d demanded the latest hoover.
There’s all types on the market you can buy,
Including several from Mister Dyson,
But it was a special one she’d coveted,
A top-of-the-range one she’d had her eyes on.
It took three days just to unpack the boxes:
The cardboard and plastic wasn’t the least,
For this thing needed major assembly -
I soon found it was a hell of a beast.
This fantastic piece of machinery
Towered above me, erect and so tall,
Covered in sockets, dockets and ports -
So many clips and wires, and that wasn’t all.
The orifices, gizmos and nozzles
Harboured so many attachments and tools,
Brushes, fitments, hoses and extensions:
She stared in wonder at her new Crown Jewels.
There were things for every application:
Truly this was a space-age appliance.
It had more computing power than NASA,
And was forged in the white heat of science.
It could do every possible job needed:
You just had to read the right instruction,
To locate the right setting or programme,
And it would produce mind-boggling suction.
She fell in love with it at first sight,
She could see it would be a lovely mover:
This machine that would do anything -
Truly it was a Swiss Army Hoover.
I remember the days of just pushing one round,
A job that could be done all alone,
But this thing was full of technology,
And I think it had a mind of its own.
It seemed to have clear fixed ideas,
About the best method for house cleaning.
There was something about it quite spooky -
If you get the drift of my meaning.
It was all programmes and electronics,
Controls and switches that needed setting,
So complex and damned complicated,
That we’d no idea what we were getting.
It talked to us when it wanted something,
In a synthesised voice thin and reedy,
Like when it wanted its dust-bag changing:
Soon we realised that it was quite needy.
It started to follow me round the house,
Even if I wandered from room to room.
It didn’t like being on its own much -
You could say it was a lonely vacuum.
There was almost nothing it couldn’t do,
And its motor was virtually silent.
I began to feel it was spying on me,
For it was there, wherever I went.
I had to creep quietly when I moved -
It created in me paranoid cares,
Until I discovered a new strategy,
For, just like a Dalek, it couldn’t climb stairs.
I thought that I’d finally beaten it,
And that I’d be able to live in some calm,
But it started using its extensions,
And to plot ways to cause me some harm.
You see it wanted ‘Er Indoors for itself,
And to be the holder of her affection,
It couldn’t stand me being in the way,
And it sought to sever my connection.
So in the end I took drastic measures,
And “by accident” fed it some water -
The explosion was quite spectacular -
There’ll be no more trouble from that quarter.
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