Monkfish with Chorizo, Fennel & Chickpeas

Recipe for: MONKFISH with CHORIZO, FENNEL & CHICKPEAS

Ingredients:

·        250g – 500g monkfish tail, filleted from bone and cut into 8 – 12 pieces

·        50g plain flour, seasoned with salt & pepper

·        75g butter

·        Small head fennel, core removed, very thinly sliced

·        50g – 100g chorizo, cut into very thin slices, or very small dice

·        1 tin chickpeas, drained & rinsed

·        Dash of olive oil

Method:

1.      Roll the monkfish pieces in the seasoned flour to coat

2.      Melt the butter in a frying pan until it almost colours, then gently cook the monkfish pieces for three to five minutes (depending on size & thickness).  Ensure fish is cooked through, and nicely browned on outside.

3.      Remove fish from pan & keep warm in a dish for a few minutes

4.      Add olive oil to the butter in the pan, and sauté the fennel for a few minutes until softened

5.      Remove the fennel and keep warm in another dish

6.      Add the chorizo and cook for a few moments until the fat begins to run

7.      Add the drained chickpeas and warm through

8.      Return the fennel to the pan, and mix everything together

9.      Plate up by spreading the mixture onto two plates

10.   Serve the monkfish fillets on top.

What else you need to know:

1.      This is a really tasty combination, which works really well.

Poetitis - A Public Health Warning

Poetitis – A Public Health Warning

There’s an epidemic sweeping the nation,

A disease that’s only going to get worse,

Cos of these poetry competitions and slams,

And those that have been exposed to… verse.

It’s a socially-transmitted disease,

And the oral tradition of which I write is

Derived from having unprotected sestets,

And it’s got the medical name of “poetitis”.

Once a rarefied condition suffered only by poets,

But now everyone has deciphered the code,

Through limericks, and haikus, and sonnets,

It’s now as prevalent as The Common Ode.

No longer the preserve of the Bards,

Its causes are certainly not vague,

Its symptoms are debilitating,

And couplets get spread like The Plague.

Public Health England has issued a warning,

That sticking to prose is no longer a barrier:

Once you start worrying about metre,

You’re probably a contagious carrier.

The best treatment is isolation,

But that’s easier done than said.

It only takes a careless quatrain,

For the virus to be much further spread.

For poets tend not to be continent,

With their infectious sense of bad timing -

Before you know it there’s iambic pentameter,

And a constant tendency to rhyming.

So take the right steps and be careful,

Behave, now you know what course the right is,

Avoid those mad, raving rhymesters,

And save yourself from “poetitis”.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

This Toilet Is Out Of Order

“This Toilet Is Out Of Order”

The note was quite simple, but ambiguous,

A statement of fact, or merely an opinion?

Was it not working, or had it simply gone too far?

Was it un-functional, or had it overstepped the mark?

I knew it was very inconvenient to come to this,

But was it, or was it not, taking the piss?

Had I stepped into a linguistic trap?

Was it not taking, or just giving out, a lot of crap?

Apologies are all very well for having no loo,

But when one’s desperate, what should one do?

Not just number one, but also number two?

Like someone from Eastenders,

It’s easy to say “leave it – it’s not worf it!”

But if bladder and bowels are holding a surfeit

Of matter that needs to be voided,

The lavatory can hardly be avoided!

I had a new thought, and it were this:

It made me wonder what else may be amiss,

What else had failed in ability?

To work well within that facility?

Because you see,

Apart from spending one pee,

It’s not just the WC,

What else could there be?

Had the wash-basin gone down the drain?

Was the bidet running hot and cold?

Was the bath too full of itself?

And as for the shower,

Should we just draw a curtain over that?

I was not a loofah to any of this,

I didn’t want any flannel,

Nor anyone to give me the soft-soap treatment.

I was completely awash with emotions,

As I stood there, outside of the Gents:

I just hated to be flushed with such disappointments!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

I Am A Computer

I Am A Computer

Of course I’m not devoid of emotion

How could you have such a notion?

It’s just that I not sure what I should do,

I’m struggling to interface with you

It’s a situation that’s not very clear

For we’re no longer working peer-to-peer

I find your instructions a distraction

I can’t work with such a transaction

I think we’re both in a rut

I’m struggling for throughput

I don’t have the bandwidth to cater

For crunching through all of your data

I continue to love you, but

There’s too little input/ output

The calculation is completely mine

But I think I need more time offline

I’m no longer feeling alive

I think I’m losing all of my hard drive

My ROM feels like a time-bomb

My RAM’s in a jam

You see - the pattern all fits –

Can’t you see I’m in bits?

I need time for some healing

To process every feeling

I don’t want to be seen

As if I’m just a blue-screen

Our programme’s gone crappy

Our chat’s not snappy

And my software’s not ‘appy

I feel I’ve run out of luck

And I just can’t face Book

I’m feeling rather demented

My memory’s very fragmented

I stare out of the Windows

We ought to do well, we ought to Excel

Haven’t you heard? What is the Word?

Let’s try and find the lost chord

In the letters of our keyboard
I don’t want us to fail

I’m a male and you’re my e-mail

So let’s get off the fence

And use our broad-band of experience

Let’s take a byte out of storage’s root

Let’s try to re-start and re-boot

We don’t want to calculate with some terror

And end up with an Unknown Error!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 27th August 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 27^th August 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Devizes:

                                                  

1.      A civic row broke out this week after the mayor announced that the planned new garden bridge across the canal, just behind the brewery out-fall, is to be abandoned.  Almost £7 had been spent by school-children on paper and crayons in various abortive attempts to design the structure, and all of this will now be lost to the tax-payer.  The key reason for the scheme being aborted was the lack of public support, based on the fact that the bridge was not needed since there are already twenty-seven crossing points within the town.

2.      Apart from the annual D-Town International Street Festival and Carnival this week-end, townsfolk will be celebrating the 150^th anniversary of the start of the Shopping Forecast.  Who can forget such timeless cadences as “Tesco – declining, now leaving.  Waitrose – distant, unlikely and in Melksham thriving.  Iceland – cheap, some bargains.  Morrisons – clueless and confusing, closing later.  Sainsbury – rising, convenient, poor pricing.”???

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Courgette

Courgette

It’s a great life having an allotment,

To get your muscles and sinews to harden -

Your produce can be all fresh and organic,

And you can have your own market garden.

Of course it’s much more than we can possibly eat,

So there’s loads of it left over, you can bet -

In fact there’s simply too many to use -

Could I possibly offer you a courgette?

There’s so many ways that you can use them:

In a flan, or perhaps in a quiche, if you’re in Surrey,

As vegetable wine, or maybe in salad,

Or chopped up small in a nice curry.

No, really, we’ve got absolute sack-fulls,

And I’d be forever in your debt.

Try them hot-roasted, or thinly toasted,

But, please, just take a courgette?

You can’t really moan, they’re completely home-grown,

But I’ll admit that one’s turned into a marrow.

You won’t believe your eyes, it’s of magnificent size,

And it completely fills up a barrow!

We can’t keep up with the harvest, you see,

There’s hundreds of them filling our hut -

All of dubious quality, but such a huge quantity,

You could say that we’re dealing with glut.

We’ve wept and we’ve cried,

We’ve moaned and we’ve sighed:

The recipes we’ve tried, cannot be denied

Some we couldn’t abide,

We’ve even had them fried!

My friend said he’d had some…. but he lied!

Then proceeded to run off and hide,

And his wife shut the door, and pretended he’d died!

Honestly – these critters are lovely as fritters

How persuasive do I have to get?

Go on – you know that you want one -

Just help me out – and have a courgette?

To be honest - the whole patch is over-fruitful:

We’ve got tons of tomatoes, and bundles of beans,

There’s pounds of potatoes, and boxes of beetroot,

We’ve got shed-loads of leeks, and copious carrots,

Plus oodles of onions and pot-loads of peas,

  

But of all these wonderful veggies,

There’s only one that makes me upset,

So, after all of the seeding and weeding and feeding,

Go on – treat yourself - have a courgette!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Courgette Fritters

Recipe for: COURGETTE FRITTERS

Ingredients:

·        500g courgettes, coarsely grated

·        50g plain flour (or gram flour if you want pakoras)

·        4-6 spring onions, finely chopped

·        3 eggs, beaten

·        90g feta cheese, crumbled

·        Small handful mint, finely chopped

·        Small handful flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped

·        1 garlic clove, finely minced

·        Zest of one lemon, finely grated

·        Salt & freshly ground pepper

·        Green chillie, finely chopped (optional)

·        Vegetable oil for frying

Method:

1.      Put the grated courgettes in a bowl, and squeeze out as much liquid as you can.  Only the solid matter is required.

2.      Add in all the other ingredients, except for the vegetable oil, mixing thoroughly.  You should end up with a fairly thick batter/ dough.  If it’s too sloppy, add a little more flour.

3.      Heat 3mm of oil in a frying pan, and ensure that it is hot enough by dropping in a small bread cube, which should brown in about 10 seconds.

4.      Ladle in large tablespoons-full of the batter, flattening each fritter with the back of a spoon.

5.      Do not overcrowd the pan – cook the fritters in batches & keep warm.

6.      Cook fritters each side for 3-4 minutes, until nicely browned, then carefully turn over and cook the other side for the same amount of time.

7.      Drain the fritters on kitchen paper and eat immediately.

What else you need to know:

1.      These are really easy to do & delicious

2.      You can vary the ingredients with different herbs, parmesan, more onion etc, or add a little chillie to make a kind of pakora

3.      Great as a vegetable side dish, or on their own with dipping sauces

4.      Best eaten fresh, but you can keep them in the fridge & reheat under the grill or in the toaster

Sorry

Sorry – An All-Purpose Apology

Ladies and gentlemen – listen to me please:

There’s a reason that I’ve come here today,

And it’s with a very heavy heart,

That I must spit out what it is that I have to say.

I’m deeply sorry for what has happened,

It really should not have occurred.

If there was any way to undo what is done,

I think that’s what I’d have preferred.

But we are, unfortunately, where we are:

I have to speak of something that’s not good -

My only plea in slight mitigation,

Is that I was misunderstood.

My retraction is totally unreserved,

I hope that any bad feelings can be paused,

I’m looking for some forgiveness here,

And I’m sorry for any offence that I caused.

I may have given a false impression,

Of what it was that I really meant.
I suppose that I may have mis-spoken,

That my words came out all tangled and bent.

These situations can cause such ill-feeling,

When one party ends up being offended,

So I hope that we can draw a line under this now,

And that any misunderstanding is ended.

It’s shame-faced that I stand here before you,

I’m not feeling proud you can bet,

And it’s been a great learning experience,

When all I’ve got to express is regret.

So let’s clear the air if we can -

Banish ill-will and things of that guise

I haven’t the foggiest what I’m supposed to have done

But, nevertheless, I’d like to apologise.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Garden Centre

Garden Centre

Let’s go to the Garden Centre,

Cause I fancy a real cracking day out,

Let’s throw caution to the wind,

Let’s pile in the car together -

We’ll have a great time, without any doubt!

It’s signposted from miles away,

With a range of those little brown signs.

The car parks are the size of an airfield,

The traffic all arranged into lines,

It’s a long walk - that can’t be denied,

So then you have to decide, whether to pick up a guide

Or to go with the Park and Ride.

Cos the long path weaves around and around,

Till you hear the loud shrieking sound,

Of youngsters in the children’s playground,

Going right past the meerkats’ mound,

And then suddenly you’re found

Near animal corner with its small pets,

Beside the picnic and patio sets,

Ornamental features with water jets,

Fish-pools, fishing equipment and nets.

See - it’s not just about plants, or about trees,

And flowers that appeal to the bees,

Cos grandma likes to go to the café for teas,

Where she sits amongst the cabbages and peas:

No – there’s so much more to amuse,

Many more things from which you can choose,

Cos when you finally get to the main complex,

As you poke your head through the swing-door,

Penetrate much further inside the store,

The panorama across the vast floor,

You’re taken on a grand tour,

Across a huge range of departments.

By now you’ll be desperate,

So it’s first stop at the toilets,

To prepare you for the rigours ahead,

As through long snaking aisles you’ll be led,

In case you’d like to buy a new bed,

For it has to be said, get it into your head,

Things have changed in these days -

Retail is different in so many ways.

You’re drawn deep into a maze,

It all becomes a thick haze,

A kaleidoscope of offers you’re copping,

A blitz of ideas that are topping,

But it’s tiring, you’re ready for flopping,

You need a rest from all of this shopping….

Yes, let’s go the Garden Centre,

Just let me be your mentor -

How much more could you want?

There’s three cafes and a restaurant!

Indulge in their Special Meal Deal,

We can eat and drink whatever we feel,

We can wait for our blisters to heal,

Then we can finally steal…

…Through interior furnishings,

Give the sofas a test, be our guest,

Sit down for a rest, pick out the best,

Then to household wares,

Without any cares, gloves and wellies in pairs

The gift shop with its presents,

Dream-catchers and candles with scents,

Then another quick trip to the gents,

A wide range of new knick-knacks,

Arranged in long tempting racks,

And low-priced multiple packs,

Stationery and multi-coloured tacks,

It’s the unnecessary taken to the max….

Oh please, let’s go to The Garden Centre,

Let’s have a wild, mad adventure,

It’s no longer a horticultural bore,
That’s not what it’s there for,

It’s more of a department store,

It’s a Grand Day Out for pensioners,

And those who have nowhere else to go,

A meeting-point for those in the know,

A real destination that puts on a show,

You don’t need to mow, to hoe, or to sow -

Just turn up and go with the flow,

Till you develop a warm glow.

Warm in the Winter, and cool in the Summer,

There’s a bookshop, a crèche, a bar to get blotto,

There’s even a year-round Christmas grotto,

A biosphere, a Nature Reserve right here ,

And multiple concession stands,

At week-ends they even have bands!

Finance and credit facilities, building supplies,

Landscaping services, no-one denies,

With tool and machinery hire, this place is on fire!

Vouchers and tokens, a loyalty card…

Our pleasure would only be marred,

And it would be too hard, if we were barred

By the security guard….

But, look now, it’s started to rain -

Just forget everything I previously said -

Perhaps we should go to the seaside instead?

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

BBC Continuity Announcement - The End Of The World

BBC Continuity Announcement – The End Of The World

Thank-you Kirsty Young.  And that was the last in the current series of Desert Island Discs.

And now, before the next programme, we have an important announcement.

Within the last few minutes, the Government has announced that the World will end early tomorrow morning.  The exact time is not currently known.  This is thought to be as the result of the Earth being struck by a massive meteorite from Outer Space.  The planet, its atmosphere, and everything in it, will be utterly destroyed.  All species, including mankind, will wiped from the face of the Earth and become extinct.  Nothing will survive.  The globe will become a burned-out empty cinder, a dead planetary object, destined to circle the Sun for billions of years until our Solar System is itself destroyed when the Universe finally collapses.

The situation is hopeless.  There is nothing you can do.  There is nothing anyone can do.  All precautions, and mitigating actions against cataclysmic Armageddon, are futile. Do not attempt to run.  Do not attempt to hide.  There is nowhere you can go.

The Government suggests that, in the last few hours before certain annihilation, citizens should seek to gather their loved ones around them, to make their peace with whatever spiritual deity they happen to believe in, and to return all library books in good time.

In the light of this rather unique situation, there will be a few changes to tomorrow’s schedules on BBC Radio 4:

·        The Today programme, hosted by John Humphrys,  will begin half an hour earlier than normal, to allow time for a studio discussion between the leading political parties on the implications for mankind, and to discuss whose particular policies are to blame for the current meteorite crisis;

·        The Thought For The Day slot will be extended from its normal two minutes to three hours, as the leader of one of our major religious sects seeks to grapple with the spiritual meaning of this particular End of Days.  This will be set against the decision by the Synod of The Church of England to attempt to finally rush through a vote on the ordination of Women Bishops;

·        The scheduled edition of Gardeners’ Question Time will be postponed indefinitely, pending improved weather conditions for planting out Spring bulbs;

·        The Weather Forecast will focus on the short –term picture only, and will drop its normal medium and long-range forecasts;

·        A special programme will be broadcast, hosted by Melvyn Bragg, together with a panel of experts, who will debate the issue “Destruction Of The Earth – What Will This Mean For Arts Funding?”;

·        Next week’s edition of Moneybox – Live, with Paul Lewis, will be brought forward to give listeners the opportunity to phone in with their questions on what this will mean for mortgages, lending and saving rates.  Listeners are encouraged to call in early, as this is expected to be a very busy programme;

·        And, finally, all other programmes originally scheduled to be broadcast before the week-end, will now be available early on i-Player.  Don’t forget – you can either listen now, or you can download the programmes for listening later.  Well, before, lunchtime anyway.

We realise that some listeners may find the contents of this bulletin slightly upsetting.  If you, or anyone you know, have been affected by the issues raised, there is a special Helpline which you can call.  The number is charged at local rates for calls from land-lines, but your network operator may charge more for calls from mobiles.  This service is not available to callers outside the UK.

Anyway - now it’s time for today’s edition of The Archers, where there’s consternation in The Bull at the falling price of dairy cattle.

CUE – Archers’ Theme

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Shakespeare's Plays Explained in Three Lines

Shakespeare’s Plays explained in three lines

A.     The Comedy of Errors

1.      Two sets of identical twins are separated at birth

2.      One set goes looking for the other set

3.      Everybody gets mixed up and some very high jinks ensue

B.     A Midsummer Night’s Dream

1.      Two couples run into fairy-infested woods

2.      Puck puts a love potion into people’s eyes

3.      Everyone falls in love with the wrong person

C.     The Winter’s Tale

1.      Leontes accuses his wife Hermione of adultery

2.      Some poor guy gets eaten by a bear

3.      Sixteen years later a statue comes to life and all ends well

D.     Troilus And Cressida

1.      Troilus loves Cressida

2.      Cressida is given to the Greeks

3.      Homer’s Iliad happens

E.      Henry VI Part 3

1.      Henry is king (twice)

2.      Edward is king (twice)

3.      Henry dies

F.      Richard II

1.      Richard banishes his cousin Henry

2.      Henry comes back & takes Richard’s crown

3.      Richard dies

G.     Richard III

1.      Richard wants to be king

2.      Richard kills lots of people in order to be king

3.      Richard is killed

H.     Macbeth

1.      Three witches tell Macbeth he will be king

2.      Macbeth kills lots of people in order to be king

3.      Macbeth is killed

I.       Hamlet

1.      The ghost of Hamlet’s father tells Hamlet to avenge him

2.      Hamlet talks a LOT about avenging his father.  I mean on and on and on

3.      Hamlet avenges his father

J.       Julius Caesar

1.      Cassius and Brutus assassinate Julius Caesar

2.      Mark Anthony gives a really long speech

3.      Cassius & Brutus kill themselves

K.     King Lear

1.      Lear gives all his wealth away to two of his three daughters

2.      Lear loses his marbles, big time

3.      Lear dies a miserable old man, along with all three of his daughters

L.      Othello

1.      Othello believes his pretty young wife has deceived him

2.      He kills her in a fit of pique

3.      Lots of people get stabbed and Othello dies. Oh bollocks!

M.   Titus Andronicus

1.      Lots of deaths

2.      More deaths

3.      Just lots and lots of death

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 20th August 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 20^th August 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Devizes:

                                                  

1.      Civic pride was at its greatest this week as the new rowing boat was finally launched on the Crammer.  Its crew of two stood to attention as it slowly drifted towards the centre of the pond before colliding with a passing swan.  The water had to be specially dredged to allow the new boat to float right across the pond, and several examples of supermarket trolley art and many bicycles were recovered during this process.  The pond was surrounded by a large cheering crowd of nearly seven people.  The rowing boat will undergo rigorous technical trials for the next two years before it becomes fully operational.  No ducks were harmed in the launching of this vessel.

2.      But such pride was tempered with deep regret as it was announced that the burglar alarm that goes off intermittently at weekends in The Brittox is to be silenced for up to four years whilst the owners undertake repairs.  The noise, which has been the backdrop to many a drunken evening and hundreds of late-night street brawls over the years, will disappear to allow engineers to work on the faulty appliance without harming their hearing.  It is hoped that the alarm will return louder and even more irregularly in 2020 or 2021.

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

A Cup Of Coffee

A Cup Of Coffee

Dragging round town is a thirsty business -

I can’t manage shopping for toffee -

So I popped in to one of the chains,

Cause I needed a large cup of coffee.

I don’t think that it’s too much to ask,

Just to go to the counter and order a drink,

But it’s a whole lot more complicated these days:

It’s a lot tougher than you’d ever think!

Now I don’t count myself as too stupid,

And I think I can make an intelligent choice,

But it was hard to give a straight reply,

In answer to that pre-pubescent voice.

“To drink in-house or to take away?

Piccola, media o grande?” she said.

What the hell was she talking about?

What was she doing to my head?

“I’ll just have a…. coffee,” I ventured,

“With no sugar, and some cold milk.”

This puzzled the young till-puncher

Who referred to the board and all of that ilk.

“Mocha, Flat White or an Espresso?

Americano, Latte, Cappuccino?

Café Caramella or a Hot Chocolate?

Macchiata, or Frappuccino?”

Can I have a coffee, with milk please….

“Chai latte or Mocha Cortado?

Iced Risretto, with Raspberry Sauce?

Iced Tea, or Belgian Chocolate Cooler?

With Vanilla, or Cinnamon of course?”

Just a coffee….

“I want to know which milk would you like:

Is that Skinny, Medium or the Full Fat?

We also have soya, almond or cream?

Which one do you want out of all that?”

Just ordinary milk….

“And what temperature would you like it?

Fridge-cold? quite hot? or all silky steamed?

In the coffee? on the side? iced or just frothed?”

She looked at me and she beamed.

  

I don’t really know…

“And there’s the topping to consider:

Fruit sprinkles or hazelnuts roasted?

Chocolate, cinnamon or gingerbread?

Or even marshmallows all toasted?”

Really….?

“How about an extra shot for a change?

Summer Fruit Punch or a Piccino?

Play with flavours, the foams and the finishing

Or can I tempt you to a Babyccino?”

I’m not sure…

“It all depends on how you like your caffeine:

Velvety smooth or all rich and thick?

All dressed and drizzled – it’s your choice -

Our Five-Star Barista knows every trick!”

Er, look….

“You must understand our philosophy:

To Freetrade Independents we’re quite bound,

And Rain-Forest Alliance producers,

Of single-estate beans, simply roasted and ground.”

“To give you a hand-crafted beverage,

Of artisanal dexterity and thence,

Whilst within our establishment,

A total bean-to-cup experience!”

I have to admit this whole “concept” had me beaten,

I felt that I’d run right out of luck,

I muttered “No Thanks” and fled from the shop,

And went for a pint in The Old Dog And Duck.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Trout With Herbs & Lemon

Recipe for: TROUT with HERBS & LEMON

Ingredients:

• Two or four trout fillets
• 2 oz butter
• Handful mixed fresh herbs (parsley, chives, thyme, tarragon – whatever is to hand)
• One lemon
• Salt & freshly-ground pepper
• Little olive oil

Method:

1. Heat the oven to 190C/ 175C fan.
2. If the fish is/ are whole, remove heads, tails & main backbone (or get fishmonger to do it for you).  You want two/ four neat fillets so that the fish can be flattened
3. Oil a large baking sheet
4. Put the fish on the baking sheet, skin-side down
5. In a bowl, mix together the finely-chopped herbs with the butter & salt/ pepper
6. Liberally spread the mixture over the fillets
7. Squeeze the lemon over a small sieve to catch the pips, to let the juice run all over the fish
8. Bake in the oven for about 20/ 25 minutes depending on size/ thickness of fillets

What else you need to know:

1. Serve with a simple fresh green salad and some crusty bread to mop up any juices

What Made Britain Great

What Made Britain Great

How great is our civilisation?

And the evolution of mankind?

How advanced is our technology?

A superior species I think that you’ll find.

How far spread the great British Empire?

When the world map was covered with pink?

Where the Sun never set upon our Dominions,

We were at our greatest I think.

But, to what could we ascribe this grandeur?

What driving force took us so far?

Was it the invention of fire? Or the wheel?

Of steam power?  Or of the motor car?

Yes they were important, I’ll agree,

Their places in history are taken,

But surely more vital to any progress

Was the idea of a sandwich – with bacon!

Who first thought to cure the meat of the pig?

In a mixture of spices and brine to soak it?

To give it the gift of preservation,

And then to go on, and to smoke it?

What’s better than the smell of pork cooking?

An aroma that forces the senses to waken -

A sure cure for vegetarianism,

Is the grilling or frying of bacon!

Two slices of white buttered bread,

And great dollops of brown sauce,

Rashers of streaky, with the fat running,

Is a feast for a king, the very best course.

Yes, they invented a prime delicacy –

About that you must not be mistaken.

Crisp slivers of meat with a rind on,

The heavenly substance known as bacon.

So get yourself a flitch or a roll,

Don’t leave yourself God-forsaken,

It’s not something for faking,

Forget all about baking,

You know that you’re aching,

A bap or a butty to be making,

The thing to eat upon waking,

The very best meal to be taking

Yes, the force of the Universe….is bacon!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Three Poets

Just for a change, here's a video.  Recorded by Gail Foster.

The Drinker's Guide To Real Ale

The Drinker’s Guide To Real Ale

Welcome to this Real Ale hostelry,

With sixteen hand-pumps covering the bar.

All the beers are from local breweries,

The town’s biggest selection by far.

We’ve got none of your mass-produced stuff here,

Your taste-buds we’d hate to traduce -

There’s no alcopops or fizzy lagers,

Nor ciders, which we refer to as “tramp juice”.

No it’s all hand-made in back-street facilities,

By dedicated brewers with a passion,

Using old, weird and arcane recipes,

To meet modern taste and the new fashion.

With a single-minded pursuit of excellence,

Artisanal, unfiltered and unpasteurised,

Producing ales of such esoteric taste,

That as beer it’s hardly recognised.

They only use the best of ingredients -

Water, barley, hops and some yeast -

To create flavours that range from the gentle,

Via strong, right through to some beasts.

Take Bodgington’s Skull-Cracker for example:

It comes out as eight percent ABV -

A few pints of that and I promise you,

Next day you’ll hardly be able to see.

Or that Death-Rattle IPA:

So strong you have to drink it in shots.

It’s pure, unrefined and organic,

And in the morning it gives you the trots.

There’s Wazzington’s latest offering:

It’s a double-mocha coffee-infused porter -

Drink three pints of this wonderful brew,

And your legs won’t work like they oughter.

I could go on wittering, about methods of bittering,

Of Black Stouts, and Pale, Red and Brown Ales,

Of secondary in-cask fermentation,

Which makes natural gas without fail.

About top, bottom and late hopping,

How it sings on the palate and amuses the nose,

Its aroma can induce a coma,

But sometimes that’s the way that it goes.

  

Then, of course, there’s Futtocks’ Dog-Beater,

A session ale that goes down rather well -

It’s a bloody good beer, that makes you feel queer,

And gives you the hangover from Hell.

My favourite, though, is Bowel-Wrecker:

It’s subtle, amusing, and quite Gluten-Free,

But it does smell like a wrestler’s armpit,

And, if not kept well, tastes of stale pee.

Last night we had a bit of a lock-in,

Tried our best to drink the place dry:

I must have had sixteen pints to my name -

I’m not feeling too good – can’t understand why.

So don’t tell me I don’t know about Real Ale -

I’ll drink anything that calls itself “craft”,

I won’t touch water or soft drinks -

No thanks – d’you think that I’m daft?

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017