Search This Blog

Wednesday 3 January 2018

Health, Wealth & Happiness

Health, wealth & happiness: (or how I was persuaded to seek health & youth, but gave it all up for booze & fags)

Now I’m the first to admit,
Although I’m certainly not wealthy,
I’d like to try & live as long as I can,
And that includes being healthy.

My other half – she looked hard at me,
And cast her critical eye.
“You need to get into shape” she said
And here are some ideas you can try.

She reeled off a number of therapies:
In fact she became quite verbal.
They were mostly New Age & Modern:
Some were Chinese and some were herbal.

I started on aroma therapy
Which created a wonderful smell.
But that just made me sleepy,
And off the treatment table I fell.

So nursing some bumps & some bruises,
I went to see a chiropractor.
She caused me so much pain that I cried.
And I’m afraid that I then sacked her.

So seeking for calmer approaches,
I tried ayurvedic head massage.
It brought a smile to my lips,
And peace to my ugly visage.

Hypnotherapy, meditation & yoga,
And various types of new diet:
Wheat-free, dairy-free and Atkins -
If it was faddy, I just had to try it.

Reflexology, and ear candling,
And all sorts of new medication.
Then finally I built myself up to try
Transcendental meditation.

This led to a new feeling of calmness:
My chakras were all in a line.
I started to feel so much better:
I fact I felt really quite fine.

And this was all very well for a while,
But it merely calmed my mental state:
I needed something else for my body -
A new person I wanted to create.

So I started to become more ambitious:
It’s what you do at such a juncture. -
Manipulation, electro-therapy,
And finally some acupuncture.
  
With needles all over my body,
My wellness began to increase.
If I could just push to the next stage -
Well – wonders might never cease.

I looked out for more treatments:
Anything health-like related.
Until finally I succumbed,
And had my colon irrigated.

It’s called hydro-therapy,
But there’s no need to sob -
It was all quite pleasant really,
And much easier than my later boob-job.

For I’d become addicted to nips and to tucks:
I didn’t need to be urged on.
I was even getting a discount
From my cosmetic surgeon.

But I suppose it’s the human condition,
To look for something more exotic,
When your diet gets increasingly boring,
And everything’s become pro-biotic.

Then finally the treatments stopped working:
What was once tight now only sags.
Anyway I’ve discovered a new diet –
It consists of chips, of beer and of fags.

So let this story become a warning to you:
Don’t think you can make yourself healthy.
Just stick with what you know,
And that way you might keep yourself wealthy.


Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018

No comments: