Swallows

Swallows

A hot day among cold, hard stones

Of crumbled Abbey remnants

Whose fallen arches and tumbled walls

Tell monastic tales of a distant past

And stand stark against a dark blue sky

Which threatens later thunder

Yet, still, there are strong shadows

Providing pools of cooler air

Where one may sit a while

And gaze across the finely-razored grass

To watch in frank amazement

The antics of daring aerial acrobats

Swooping down at break-neck speed

Soaring, then wheeling round

Before diving sharply

To skim low above the ground

Twisting and turning

Seeming to stop dead in mid-air

To change direction in a blink

Then banking away again between the ruins

Seconds later re-emerging, jet-like

Black-and-white arrows

Fanning out in formation

Spitfire-winged stuntmen

Trailing sleek, long-forked tails

Chittering, chattering amongst themselves

In high-pitched communication

Co-ordinating their attacks

Upon the lazy insects

And one is left to wonder

If those medieval monkish men

Who once worked and walked here

So many centuries ago

Saw this same dazzling display

And applauded the power of their Creator

To fashion these clever little creatures

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018

We're All Drinking For George

We’re All Drinking For George

We chat in measured mumbles

In our twos and in our threes

Balancing thin cups upon their saucers

Sure it was a hard way to go, and everybody knows it

Very hard on his family we’re all thinking

But no-one talks about the real problem

No-one mentions George and his drinking

Everyone thinks about the good times

He was a good sort, and great company

With a quick joke on his lips, or telling a tall tale

Holding court in his favourite corner

Lewd laughter, green eyes twinkling

Ever-ready for another, if we’d set them up,

Another long night of George and his drinking

No mention of the damage he was doing

Destroying his guts from the inside

His liver wet-rotting, blood-pressure bubbling

His florid face and trembling hands

Everyone here knew that he was sinking

But he took a long time over his dying

And that’s what George got for his drinking

Where were these old drinking companions

When he started losing his way?

Down and damaged, calling the odds

Worse for wear, falling down drunk?

In his cups first thing in the morning

Unsavoury, unwashed and stinking

Unable to get served anywhere?

We daren’t join in with George and his drinking

A murmur goes round the black-coated room

This tea and coffee’s meagre stuff for mourning

There’s a move to push off down to the pub

No-one’s looking his family in the eye

Everyone trying not to cause any offence

It’s what he would’ve wanted, did someone say?

A sliding off for something stronger

And admit we’re all drinking for George today

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018

Courgette Fritters

Recipe for: COURGETTE FRITTERS

Ingredients:

·        500g courgettes, coarsely grated

·        50g plain flour (or gram flour if you want pakoras)

·        4-6 spring onions, finely chopped

·        3 eggs, beaten

·        90g feta cheese, crumbled

·        Small handful mint, finely chopped

·        Small handful flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped

·        1 garlic clove, finely minced

·        Zest of one lemon, finely grated

·        Salt & freshly ground pepper

·        Green chillie, finely chopped (optional)

·        Vegetable oil for frying

Method:

1.      Put the grated courgettes in a bowl, and squeeze out as much liquid as you can.  Only the solid matter is required.

2.      Add in all the other ingredients, except for the vegetable oil, mixing thoroughly.  You should end up with a fairly thick batter/ dough.  If it’s too sloppy, add a little more flour.

3.      Heat 3mm of oil in a frying pan, and ensure that it is hot enough by dropping in a small bread cube, which should brown in about 10 seconds.

4.      Ladle in large tablespoons-full of the batter, flattening each fritter with the back of a spoon.

5.      Do not overcrowd the pan – cook the fritters in batches & keep warm.

6.      Cook fritters each side for 3-4 minutes, until nicely browned, then carefully turn over and cook the other side for the same amount of time.

7.      Drain the fritters on kitchen paper and eat immediately.

What else you need to know:

1.      These are really easy to do & delicious

2.      You can vary the ingredients with different herbs, parmesan, more onion etc, or add a little chillie to make a kind of pakora

3.      Great as a vegetable side dish, or on their own with dipping sauces

4.      Best eaten fresh, but you can keep them in the fridge & reheat under the grill or in the toaster

Lifeline

Lifeline

He knows the effort it costs him

Feels the ache of muscles

The back-breaking work

Naked and exhausted

Rock-cracking and sifting

Lifting loads in the heat, the filth and mud

To find the tiny grains

Small speckles of value

Sparkling precious pieces

That mean so much to him

Just enough to exist, to eat, to carry on

Hunting, scavenging, rat-like

In a diabolic hell-hole

Deep inside the Earth

A dark world of danger

Among the drills and dust

Crawling through flooded shafts

To reach a promising seam

Of grit that holds the glitter of gold

And the faintest gleam of hope

But he cannot trace it any further

Transported, transformed

Refined and purified into heavy ingots

Which sit, unused, in high-security rooms

Reserves of national treasure

To guarantee the currency

And maintain suitable short supply

To keep the prices high enough

Within the global market

Nor see it spun into delicate filaments

Its decorative strands

Worked by artistic hands

To adorn elegant, well-heeled figures

Among the wealthy and well-to-do

Who, in a languid moment

May reach out for their electronica

Slim-line models in brushed-leather cases

To access the latest features

And communicate across the world

By a finger’s touch

Perhaps even to the darkest heart of Africa

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018

Loose Ends

Loose Ends

I followed where you led me

and read through many chapters

towards the intended ending

which you had prepared so carefully for me

All those significant hints

and deliberately-dropped clues

pointing towards an obvious conclusion

But there was no proper resolution

nor any final denouement

and when the central character

who had held my attention

for hundreds of pages

suddenly disappeared

without warning or any explanation

And the circumstances of the story petered out

it meant leaving many lines of dialogue unspoken

actions un-done, starts un-finished

and what had been built up so far

as merely an un-completed novella

You left the plot-lines unresolved

and the warmest trails to cool

and a door not quite closed, but left ajar

where someone just went out

but never came back in again

You raised my expectations

but did not meet them

you let my hopes come to nothing

for there was to be no neat ending

and what had seemed important once

became a mess of un-connected details

which made no sense at all

The ship did not come in

The wrong people won

There were no just desserts

Just an empty feeling

open, vague, unclear

of waiting, wondering

what might have happened

to tie up all those loose ends

If only the last few pages of our story

had not been missing

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018

The O-Word

The O-word

My medical was a total disaster: the doctor’s face turned rather grim.

It was a big fail, when I got on the scale, and he said: “you’re not very slim!”

“There’s no good way I can tell you this, although you might get yourself in a sulk,

It seems it’s your fate, to be hugely overweight: you’re the size of The Incredible Hulk.”

“I’ve tried being subtle, I’ve tried being coy, there seems no way I can get through.

Perhaps invective can be more effective?  I don’t know what else I can do!”

Then he let me have it with both barrels:  “You’re big, you’re burly, you’re chubby,

With more avoir-dupois than average, you’re chunky, not hunky, definitely tubby.”

“You’re full-faced, fat, floppy and fleshy, a big lard-arse, and as large as a barge,

You’re not finely honed, not merely big-boned, you’re a roly-poly, a great tub of marge.”

“Your size is….. amplitudinous, a chump with a bump, plus a huge rump,

A chubster, a big rounded tubster, like a partridge, My God but you’re plump!”

Sadly I looked down at my vanishing waist, and said “why do you use words such as these?

Just what is it you’re trying to tell me?  Are you saying that I may be obese?”

The doctor was completely taken aback, so he scowled, and he looked at me hard.

Then he said “you’re not listening, are you?  You king-sized great tub of lard!”

“I’m obviously not making myself clear.  Let’s say that you’re of voluminous size,

Falstaffian, Brobdignagian, it’s quite clear who ate all the pies!”

“Your expansive capaciousness goes beyond any known bound.

You’re beefy and burly, fudgy and pudgy, and it’s years since you last saw the ground!”

“Gargantuan, elephantine and mammoth are three words that may easily vex,

But they hold no candle, to your love handles, or the scale of your Body Mass Index.”

“You must eat less, and exercise more, it’s time to take a clinical stand,

Time to realise that a balanced diet does not mean a burger in each hand!”

“Your massive, mountainous diet must cease: no more chocolate or cream or fruit jellies,

Nor guacamole dips, nor fish and chips, until you’ve got rid of those bellies!”

“It’s calorie-counting from here onwards: you must drain yourself to the dregs.

You can’t make a much thinner omelette, without breaking low-cholesterol eggs!”

At last the light was beginning to dawn: I could see what he was trying to state,

So I just asked him to clarify: “Here - are you saying that I’m over-weight?”

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 22nd April 2018

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 22^nd April 2018

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

1.   Civic leaders from around the Common Wiltshire gathered in D-Town over the past week to discuss a wide range of issues irrelevant to the vast majority of the county’s population.  The key question under discussion was who should become the organisation’s next titular leader when the current leader shuffles off.  The tasks and duties of the leader are vague and almost impossible to describe, but it seems that many candidates wanted the role.  Finally, after a good dinner and a night in the pub drinking several pints of Waddie’s Old Skullcracker Ale, it was decided that the son of the current leader should succeed.  No egos were bruised in the making of this declaration.

2.  And a breakthrough has been made in the current stand-off between The Vize and The People’s Democratic Republic of Trowvegas.  In an unexpected move, the PDRT declared that it would forthwith cancel its current programme of sending “dirty” buses on the 49 route to D-Town.  In a carefully-worded statement the Wicked Empire of the West said that it would immediately send clean buses, rebuild its bus-washing garage and cease to threaten D-Town citizens.  It is thought to be a cynical move ahead of planned peace talks between the two great stars in the Wiltshire universe.

3. For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018

Running Away From The Circus

Running Away From The Circus

I ran away from the Circus last year -

I couldn’t stand the excitement you see.

I’d had enough of unpredictability -

From the ring-master I had to be free.

The lions and tigers kept roaring -

At night their noises kept me awake,

And the smell of droppings in the saw-dust

Was more than my nostrils could take.

The painted clowns brought me right down:

Enthusiasm I just couldn’t muster.

I started to freeze beneath the trapeze,

And sword-swallowing lost all of its lustre.

I craved a career as an accountant,

Using computers, with pinging and beeping.

It’s a real treat to work with a spread-sheet,

And rows of double-entry book-keeping.

Pencils, staplers and clean stationery

Now bring a great smile to my lips,

But better still is the enormous thrill

I get from my big pile of paper-clips.

The danger’s all gone now – that’s certainly true:

No horses or elephants to get in my way.

Now I’m frequently seen, near the coffee-machine,

Or photo-copying documents all day.

The big top now seems but a vague dream,

And to the fire-eater I owe a great debt,

But running car-hire is hardly high-wire,

And there’s no need for a safety-net.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018

The War In The Air

The War In The Air

I’m admitting a total defeat,

And it’s the pigeons that’s winning -

It was me that started this war,

But I’m more sinned against than sinning.

These flying rats invaded my garden,

And scared off the delicate birds.

I’ll admit I’ve never liked pigeons,

Nor treading in their copious turds.

They’re big buggers, and stupid -

I state these as obvious facts,

As I got overwhelmed by the results

Of their active digestive tracts.

It got everywhere you could think of:

So you had to pity the tiny blue-tit -

It dropped in for a dip at the bird-bath,

And ended up bathing in inches of s—t.

The greenhouse was quite covered -

It turned a strange shade of grey.

Soon the cats were wearing tin helmets,

To avoid the flak that was coming their way.

When I brought out my big air-rifle,

Behind the fence for cover they dived.

I netted, I wired, I tried to deter them,

And on the poison they simply thrived.

There was no stopping them I found:

They’ve got me trapped here in the shed,

But if I can get out of here alive,

I’ll pick a fight with the sparrows instead.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018

Trout With Herbs & Lemon

Recipe for: TROUT with HERBS & LEMON

Ingredients:

• Two or four trout fillets
• 2 oz butter
• Handful mixed fresh herbs (parsley, chives, thyme, tarragon – whatever is to hand)
• One lemon
• Salt & freshly-ground pepper
• Little olive oil

 Method:

1. Heat the oven to 190C/ 175C fan.
2. If the fish is/ are whole, remove heads, tails & main backbone (or get fishmonger to do it for you).  You want two/ four neat fillets so that the fish can be flattened
3. Oil a large baking sheet
4. Put the fish on the baking sheet, skin-side down
5. In a bowl, mix together the finely-chopped herbs with the butter & salt/ pepper
6. Liberally spread the mixture over the fillets
7. Squeeze the lemon over a small sieve to catch the pips, to let the juice run all over the fish
8. Bake in the oven for about 20/ 25 minutes depending on size/ thickness of fillets

What else you need to know:

1. Serve with a simple fresh green salad and some crusty bread to mop up any juices

View Of A Stranger

View Of A Stranger

It seems indiscreet to peer inside

This blue-bound diary

And read the youthful scribblings

The secret scriptures

Of a young soul seeking

What he thinks is love

Intimate and vulnerable

His tormented, tortured yearnings

Spelled out day by day

In his tight, neat handwriting

In his black and blue biros

Using the cryptic code

That is not difficult to decipher

Snooping through the writing

Prying among the pages

Of this joyless journal

I am struck by his outlook

The black and white world

Of the early Seventies

So short on subtlety

Lacking nuance

The direct and raw emotion

The hurt and the anger

The brutal honesty

Of this callow youth

Only recently a child

I marvel at his motivations

His immature ideas

And his carnal calculations

This rough, strange juvenile

Living in his different world

Thinking ugly thoughts

I could never entertain

I wonder at this person from the past

A ghost from forty years ago

And find it almost impossible

To admit the surprising truth

That I cannot recognise myself

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018

Arachnophobia

Arachnophobia

A gasp and then a scream

As she effects her tip-toed retreat

Fleeing from an unwelcome invader

Of alleged enormous size

Occupying prime position

Within the wash-stand bowl

Gently closing the door

An entire room now out of bounds

Until the stranded menace can be dealt with

I pity this useful household predator

This insect-eating carnivore

Which sits quite still, waiting in the whiteness

Patient, brooding, trapped

Previously the hunter

Now perhaps the hunted

Legs akimbo, mandibles unmoving

Black body segments glistening

Spinnerets suspended

Its sticky silken ropes useless

In this unyielding ceramic prison

Unable to build a ladder

To climb out and live another day

Kill it! Kill it! she cries from behind the door

Overcome by the irrational fear

Of a species she does not understand

Don’t let it get away and hide somewhere

To emerge beside me when I am not looking!

Emboldened by Marigolds

I catch it quickly in a glass

Causing an instant reaction

The sudden vibration detected

Eight legs scrambling at full speed

Before I let it disappear, unharmed

Beneath the skirting

I make noises with the window-catch

And tell her that I threw it out

Announcing the threat to be defused

The area swept, secured and checked

No further need for nightmares

Another arachnid Armageddon avoided

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018

Crack

Crack

Her moment’s hesitation is palpable

A mid-air suspension

Of the lifting action

Towards the waiting lips

To allow for careful observation

And eye-screwed scrutiny

Of the faintest, finest mark

Detected upon the rim

The perimeter of porcelain

At Darjeeling’s very edge

The thinnest line of grey

That may portend a careless hair

Or a deeper hairline crack

Starting from the cup’s lip

Almost hidden on the inside

Descending deep into the liquid

A delicate indicator

Of dirt, or perhaps disease

Harbouring germs beneath

Upon or within the glaze

Of the whitened surface

An earlier accident

Or someone’s carelessness

Cannot be determined

But is now the cause

Of her faint distaste

And this holding moment

That prevents the slightest sip

And sees the china cup

Quietly returned to its saucer

The tea left un-drunk

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 15th April 2018

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 15^th April 2018

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

1.   Fear and loathing broke out in the streets of D-Town as citizens discovered that the head of the Town Council had launched a pre-emptive strike against Trowvegas without a vote in the Council chamber.  A fleet of 72 and X72 express buses was launched from a secret location near the Market Place in the early hours of Friday morning, striking bus stops in a wide range of pre-ordered locations.  The raid was in retaliation to the County town’s lack of use of chemical cleaners on the 49 route, which had turned up filthy one day last week.  People are nervous, fearing the outbreak of a new round of the Faresaver wars on the 1980s.

2.  Meanwhile The Vize has been celebrating after scraping a bronze medal in some sport that no-one quite recognises in the CommWilts Games, held on the beautiful Green Coast of Warminster.  In what was described as a “purely technical error”, several teams in the Ladies Nurdwangling finals were disqualified for a range of drug offences, automatically promoting the town’s team from its usual 11^th position to its unexpected place on the podium.

3. For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018

Putting My Marriage Out To Tender

Putting my marriage out to tender

There’s a problem with my marital contract

Something I didn’t spot with the licence

Which needs to be urgently addressed

For I’m not very happy

With the current “in-house” solution

Nor the present service provider

She’s so messy and untidy

She fails to meet quality standards

And most of my expectations

The normal service tasks of the household

Are rarely completed on time or on budget

And the provision of conjugal services

Has dropped to a bare minimum

It seems she’s completely lost sight

Of the modern service culture

So I’m putting the contract out

To competitive tender

To see if it can be done any cheaper

And performed more efficiently

By the private sector

Using more modern management thinking

And the latest up-to-date methods

As a key stake-holder

End-user, consumer and customer

I’ll provide a clear service description

For streamlined procedures

Using built-in performance incentives

And a level of profit-sharing

With payment strictly by results

Reducing expenditure year-on-year

And performing all tasks to a minimum standard

With full provision for holidays and sickness

This will be an initial three-month contract

With a view to future extension

For the successful applicant(s)

Who will be young and ambitious

And will need to demonstrate a strong track-record

In delivering these services

To a very demanding client

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018