Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 30th June 2019

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 30^th June 2019

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

1.      Citizens of The Vize were taken by surprise yesterday when this Summer came and went, apparently without warning.  Supermarkets hardly had time to get their Sizzlin’ BBQ Specials onto the shelves before the heatwave was over at approximately 7.37pm.  Hot dogs were not only on the BBQ, but also had to be released from cars where they had been abandoned by careless owners.  Ice-cream sales went through the roof, together with packs of ice, cooling fans, and entries to the swimming pool.  Several lumps of congealed goo were discovered on the pavement outside Poundland, which police later identified as the remains of a set of road-works originally started in 1989.

2.      And in the early hours of this morning, history was made as the Lady Mayoress from D-Town became the first public dignitary to set foot in the heavily-guarded DMZ which separates the town from Trowvegas.  Wendy Boat-Cumzin shook hands with Ho Lee Fook in a gesture of friendship and reconciliation between the two warring principalities.  It is hoped that military officials on both sides can now sit down in an atmosphere of peace and goodwill to thrash out a detailed disarmament treaty.  If not, the bombing re-starts next Wednesday at 2pm prompt.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

An Occasional Gardener

An Occasional Gardener

Along the old familiar lane

And up to the house that was my home

With a key that still fits within the lock

And turns easily as it always did

The rooms inside mostly empty

Awaiting a some-time final removal

Then stepping out to the garage and the shed

The garden and the greenhouse

To find the cobwebbed tools and mowers

Needed to give the old place its weekly trim

A short back and sides

To keep its neat appearance

And to do the running repairs

Until someone else can grasp the baton

And I can cease these painful visits

No longer an occasional gardener

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Do Not Worry - Livestock

Do Not Worry - Livestock

Seen upon a farmer’s gate whilst out walking

I pondered upon this heartfelt warning

What did it mean? And who was talking?

Was it a command to me and other ramblers?

Not to mess or mutilate his milkers

Nor to hassle or harry his heifers?

Was his pedigree bull of nervous disposition

And could not withstand any inquisition?

Or perhaps I should not rouse

Any of his hogs or his farrowing sows

In case they should feel forsaken

And then produce less tasty bacon?

Or maybe I should cross the field quickly

And with his sheep not shilly-shally

Nor hang around and dilly-dally?

No chattering with the chickens

And, under no circumstances, should I feature

In the discussion with any creature

An existential debate

Of what might be their likely fate?

But, then again, there was just a chance

That it was a message of reassurance -

He might have been reaching out to human-kind

Begging us not to be of troubled mind

Rather, telling us to put behind

Us all our cares and woe

That he wants us all to know

That when we’re feeling down and low

When we hear the ticking of life’s clock

That when our friends do naught but mock

And with guilt we’re had up in the dock

That when our life has foundered on a rock

Don’t worry – livestock!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Chicken Dhansak

Recipe for: CURRY – CHICKEN DHANSAK

Ingredients:

·        3 tblsp cooking oil

·        500g chicken thighs, boned, cubed

·        1 onion, finely chopped

·        Thumb of fresh ginger, peeled

·        4 garlic cloves, peeled

·        2 red chillies

·        3 green cardamom pods

·        2 tblsp ground cumin

·        1 ½ tblsp ground coriander

·        ½ tblsp ground turmeric

·        1 tsp chilli powder

·        400g tin chopped tomatoes

·        500ml chicken stock

·        100g red lentils

·        1 tblsp brown sugar

·        1 tblsp white wine vinegar

·        3 tblsp natural yoghurt

·        Fresh coriander

Method:

1.      Heat 2 tblsp oil in a heavy-bottomed lidded casserole dish

2.      Season the chicken meat, then fry in batches until well browned

3.      Remove with a slotted spoon and set aside

4.      Add remaining oil to pan and fry the onion for 10 minutes until soft

5.      Meanwhile put ginger, garlic & chillies in a blender with a little water & blitz to a paste

6.      Add this paste to the onions and continue to fry

7.      Crack/ bash the cardamom pods and add to the onions with the remaining spices & aromatics

8.      Add the chopped tomatoes, stock, lentils, sugar and vinegar

9.      Mix well then add the chicken pieces

10.   Heat the oven to 180C (fan)

11.   Bring to mixture to the boil, then cover with a lid and place in the oven for 50-60 minutes

12.   Check that the chicken is cooked through and that the lentils have softened

13.   Stir in the yoghurt and fresh coriander before serving

Ten A Day

Ten A Day

I like to count myself an upright citizen,

Conscientious in all I do and say,

To follow the rules and the guidelines,

To live my life in an exemplary way.

I always look before I leap,

To make sure that I thrive.

I make sure that I fasten my seat-belt.

And I never drink if I drive.

I wait for the green man before starting to cross,

And always give up my seat on the bus,

But this latest health advice is hard to take,

And it’s left me totally non-plussed.

See - I try to eat a balanced diet,

Avoiding too much saturated fat,

Taking in me nutrients and vitamins,

The carbs and the protein and all that.

But how do I cope with this new guidance?

Stop my nerves from starting to fray,

To intake all ten of these portions,

When I’m already struggling with my five a day?

There’s only so many veggies and fruits,

That one man can be expected to take,

Only so many different ways to eat,

Only so many sacrifices that he can make.

I’ve tried chopping them up, and stir-frying,

Baking them, boiling them and steaming,

Liquidising, juicing and spiralising,

I’ve drunk smoothies till I’m ready for screaming.

Where do people find enough time to do this?

To force that much down without a fight?

Who’s got this kind of digestion?

To say nothing of the requisite appetite?

Now I don’t mean to sound indelicate,

But whether fresh, frozen or tinned,

Vegetables do have certain qualities,

And roughage like that just creates wind.

So I’m off to the pub for a few pints -

I think I’ve still got time if I hurry.

All this worry’s making me hungry,

So I might have to go for a curry!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Guide To Golf

Guide To Golf

What modern madness is this?

That when the weather’s fine, a man thinks

Here’s a chance for some four-ball jinks

With some time out on the links?

Followed by the nineteenth hole

And a skinful of drinks?

For when he’s finally well-oiled

Out in the hot sun he’s been boiled

And round eighteen holes he’s just toiled

It only amounts to “a good walk spoiled”.

And though he’s frightfully keen

At the Royal & Ancient to be seen

Men such as he never say what they actually mean

They talk in a jargon or code

They want to be “a la mode”

They want to be the boss

As they stride over the moss

In the search for a Birdie, or an Eagle

Or an ever-elusive albatross.

But if you’re looking for these birds

Why use these ridiculous words?

And the equipment sounds totally dud –

Is a club or an iron any good?

A sand-wedge, or a driver that’s stood?

And what’s a niblick, or even a wood?

They’re chipping, and driving and slicing

Or pitching and putting (to put on the icing)

And with fashion sense they’re definitely dicing.

And everyone who plays, every old fogey

Doesn’t want to be caught with a bogey

When striding around with their trolley

Nobody wants to look like a wally

Then they’re stroking, or playing from scratch

And washing their balls during a match.

But these badly-dressed fools

With their bags full of expensive tools

Who follow these arcane regulations and rules

Amateur or professional, whatever their role

Have just one thing as their goal

These men would give up their very soul

If the full truth were finally tol’

Just to knock a bloody ball into a hole!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

(An Eight Year-Old's) Guide To Ski-ing

(An Eight Year-old’s) Guide To Ski-ing (as written in the half-term essay for the class)

This half-term we went on holiday

Daddy said that we were off to ski

I’d no idea what he was on about

It seemed like a barmy idea to me

There was problems at the airport

When we was flying out that day

The baggage-handlers went on strike

And in the lounge we had to stay

Daddy spent a long time worrying

About whether there’d be any snow

Because even if there wasn’t

He said we’d still be forced to go

But when we got there it was ice and powder

The weather was absolutely freezing

And even Mummy was quite happy

Until my sister started sneezing

So she was confined to bed

Which didn’t really bother me

But the rest of us got out our equipment

And got ourselves prepared to ski

We all had bright blue puffa jackets

Over the top of thermal ski-suits

We had goggles and gloves with toggles

And ski-pants and pairs of massive boots

And we drove off to the ski-lift

To the top of the mountain if you will

Then slid all the way back down again

It’s a thing they call “downhill”

I couldn’t see the point of what we did

Slaloming down that dangerous drop

We’d only just get to the safety of the bottom

Then we’d simply head back to the top!

And we did that all the blooming day

Repeatedly riding up and sliding down

Oh, and drinking lots of gluh-wein

Before we made it back to town

Then we all came back in high spirits

We’d had a good day - that was easy to see

Then we ate and drank all night

In something known as “apres-ski”

  

It must have been the Alpine atmosphere

Or the charms of where we stayed

Because Mummy became suspicious

And caught Daddy kissing the chalet-maid

Well, she wasn’t very happy

And shouted at him, called him a beast

And wasn’t going to put up with it

Nor let him think he could go off-piste

Next day we was under a bit of a cloud

And Daddy said he wasn’t having any fun

So he stalked off all on his own

To tackle something called a “black run”

Apparently he wasn’t supposed to do that

Everyone told him that it wasn’t any joke

But he still went off and hit a tree

And that’s how his leg got broke

So he was carted off to the hospital

In another town in France

Which was when Mummy discovered

That we didn’t have enough insurance

He was put in traction and in plaster

To heal his fractured limb

The credit card bill just grew and grew

And things were looking rather grim.

Then the weather turned much worse

With raging blizzards that made us blanch

And we were trapped for two days

The town was buried by an avalanche

And when we finally made it home

Mummy and Daddy wouldn’t even talk

I don’t think we’ll be going ski-ing again

Well – not until Daddy learns to walk.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 23rd June 2019

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 23^rd June 2019

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

1.      The race for the leadership of the Town Council heated up again this week, when one of the leading candidates, a Mrs Doris Bonkers, was accused of starting a brawl in a local chip shop.  Police attended an incident on Friday night after an argument broke out between Ms Bonkers and the chip shop owner.  The latter was heard to remake, relating to an order for cod, that he knew the value of absolutely nothing.  Police played down the incident, saying that no crime had been committed, and that no-one got battered.

2.      On the foreign policy front - D-Town narrowly avoided a Wiltshire-wide Armageddon yesterday when it drew back from ordering massive air-strikes on Trowvegas, after the militants of that backward and nihilistic borough had previously shot down one of our surveillance drones.  Given the escalating danger of all-out warfare in the region, several airlines, train companies and bus companies have decided to re-route their services to avoid the conflict zone.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Wether(spoons) or Not

Wether(spoons) or Not

To the weary traveller who turns up at night,

Through the gloom there’s beckoning light,

My hostelries are a welcoming sight.

Push past my bouncers of great height,

And after you’ve had a meal or a light bite,

You can get yourself as high as a kite,

And (in Trowbridge) involved in a fight!

Yes – come Hell or High Noon,

I’m your Mister Wetherspoon.

I’m there on every High Street,

In every town and great city,

And some occupy elegant buildings,

And others that are far less than pretty.

My floor-coverings are sticky and gritty,

And some are positively shitty,

But you don’t need much in the kitty,

To buy drinks that are cloudy and bitty,

And though our menus attempt be witty,

You’ll be served by a barmaid who’s snitty,

Or a youth who’s positively zitty -

I might employ the lowliest goon,

But I’m still your Mister Wetherspoon.

So all hail my family-friendly chain,

A calm refuge that’s out of the rain,

My all-day serving meal deals,

Where grease on the tables congeals,

My establishment for the crap-lager man,

That sells alcohol as cheap as it can,

But my lurid advertising never fails,

To offer a wide range of ciders and ales.

For the all-day drinker it’s life’s greatest boon,

To have a house named Wetherspoon.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Officially Fragile

Officially Fragile

I went for my check-up the other day

A long-delayed appointment

And had to sit amongst the great unwashed

Whilst awaiting my consultation

And when it finally came round to me

And made it inside to see the doc

I sat myself upon the patient’s chair

And he asked me what my trouble was

Where to begin? I said morosely

And then proceeded to tell him of my woes

Of all my aches and pains

The stiffness in my joints

My general lack of energy

And all my trouble sleeping

That I hated taking tablets

Of how my hip was always hurting

As I waited for my operation

That I disliked walking with a stick

And was frightened now of falling

That I couldn’t carry heavy shopping

Nor stand for long when riding on the bus

How everything felt so exhausting

And how my bladder was no longer to be trusted

And he listened patiently to me

Despite all the others waiting in his queue

Asked a few general leading questions

Felt my pulse, took my blood pressure

And perused my bulging patient file

Before coming to his sad conclusion –

That I was doing pretty well, considering

My great advance in years

And it was only to be expected

He told me I’d earned a new designation

And reached another milestone in my life

He explained that I was now “officially fragile”

And that I must be extra careful

Because my bones were dry and brittle

That any breakage might be my last

And that my body would shy away from healing

So it’s a cotton-wool existence now for me

No going out or taking risks

Avoiding any surface that is hard

Which rules out just about everything I love

So I might just have to cancel

That long-awaited skiing holiday

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Roasted Belly Pork with Orange & Star Anise

Recipe for: PORK – ROASTED BELLY with ORANGE & STAR ANISE

Ingredients:

·        5 oranges, halved

·        Bunch thyme, leaves picked, roughly chopped

·        Bunch rosemary, roughly chopped

·        Head of garlic, cloves peeled & chopped

·        100ml olive oil

·        2-3kg pork belly joint, rind on

·        Coarse sea salt & black pepper

·        2/3 bottle of white wine

·        For the star anise reduction:

o   500ml orange juice

o   180ml balsamic vinegar

o   160g honey

o   10 star anise

Method:

1.      Heat oven to highest

2.      Arrange orange halves on a baking tray, cut side up

3.      Put herbs, garlic and oil in food processor and blitz roughly

4.      Lay pork on top of oranges, skin side down

5.      Sprinkle with salt and pepper

6.      Using your hands spread the herb mixture evenly all over the upward-facing side of the joint, pressing so it sticks

7.      Turn the joint over so it’s now skin-side up

8.      Wipe skin dry with kitchen towel and sprinkle with sea salt

9.      Roast at full blast for 60 minutes, turning the tray round half way through

10.   Turn heat down to 160C

11.   Pour white wine into base of baking tray

12.   Roast for another 60 minutes

13.   If skin begins to blacken, cover with foil

14.   Turn oven right down to 110C

15.   Roast for another hour, uncovered until skin has crackled & thoroughly dried

16.   Meanwhile prepare the star anise reduction:

a.      Put ingredients in a small pan & stir over medium heat

b.      Simmer for 45-60 minutes until sauce is thick &reduced to one third

c.      Remove from heat & keep warm

17.   Remove meat from the oven and allow to rest before carving into chunks

18.   Dot with oranges & star anise, pouring on a little of the reduction

Stopped

Stopped

The house is slowly grinding to a halt

For want of better care and more attention

There’s nagging neglect and a lack of love

A running-down of what once was vibrant

But now, in the empty bathroom

The tap carries on its steady leaking

Its silent drips fall unheeded

And make a stain upon the sink

In the lounge, upon the mantel

The clock un-wound stands silent

And no longer tells the time

Nor chimes upon the hour

In the cheerless kitchen

The plates sit unwashed upon the drainer

Holding dirty forks and knives

Awaiting loading into the machine

And in the bedroom

The floor has gathered a fair selection

Of abandoned grubby clothes

Which have not yet made it to the laundry

Will no-one draw these gloomy curtains back

And let some light back in to the rooms?

How much longer can this go on

Before something starts to give?

How many days until everything’s gone

And there is nothing left that’s fit to use?

And do you think we will ever start again

To put our lives back in running order?

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Botswana

Botswana

The drift of woodsmoke

Its tendrils curling through the air

The kettles set to boil above the licking flames

As we sit around the campfire

Staring into embers

Listening to the grumble of distant thunder

The intermittent flash of lightning

Across the far horizon

Through the darkening clouds

Threatening the coming of the long-awaited rains

We gaze across the scrubland, the wasted desert

And the arid desiccation of the salt pans

The calm of the delta shattered

By cicadas screeching in the cooling air

And the booming of lions calling in the night

Then we remember sipping rooibos by the river

The journey of giraffes, the dazzle of zebras

And the disputatious baboons, chattering and screaming

The subsonic rumble of elephants

In the land of trunk and tusk and trumpeting

The circling of vultures, aerial indicators

Then the smell of the kill

Ripped and torn and freshly flayed

Guts and blood, white and red

Spilled upon the dusty ground

And under the early starlit sky

The bleached bones of earlier victims

Long finger-shadows cast

By the burning disc of a sinking sun

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

I Never Wanted A Dog

I Never Wanted A Dog

I’ve never really wanted a dog

Not even when I was only a sprog

Their barking and general behaviour left me agog

Under the feet if I went for a jog

Getting all messy and running into a bog

As an alternative, I considered a mog

Looked into keeping a hog

Or even a tropical frog

But the choices made my thoughts clog

And put my brain into a fog

Yes it was quite a quag….mire

The whole thing turned into a slog

Then I started using my nog

(I’ve written my thoughts up on my blog)

Yes – I’ve decided to foster a log!

You really ought to try it!

It’s very clean and it’s quiet -

That’s what persuaded me to buy it

And it never ever needs feeding

Precious little attention it’s needing

It doesn’t interrupt when I’m talking

And it never needs walking

But that doesn’t stop folks from gawking

It may be a rather inanimate sprog

But, overall, I’m pleased with my log

No – I never wanted a dog

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 16th June 2019

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 16^th June 2019

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

1.      Diplomatic tensions were ratcheted up this week when D-Town accused terrorist forces in Trowvegas of attacking its buses in the Gulf of Melksham.  Several unwrapped sticky sweets were found down the sides of seats on Friday night, although one of them had failed to attract very much fluff, and was successfully defused before it could do any significant damage.  A war of words between the two boroughs then ensued, with each accusing the other of bad faith in running the 49 service.  It is feared that bus fares may have to rise to pay for additional cleaning.

2.      And the DBC (D-Town Broadcasting Corporation) was in hot water after announcing that it would no longer be issuing free bicycle clips to its elderly news correspondents.  In a round of vicious cost-cutting, a DBC source said that they were looking closely at all forms of unnecessary expenditure.  This would include reviewing whether roast breast of swan could continue to be served in the staff canteen, and whether every one of it 356 directors actually needed a Rolls Royce as their company car.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Water, Water, Everywhere

Water, Water Everywhere

Let me offer you some refreshment

The best you’ll find in this quarter

Not lager, beer, stout or porter

But a splash of life-giving water

Yes H-2-O, a fluid that’s pure

A refreshing drink to be sure

For thirst it’s the natural cure

And this bottle provides of the best

Passing every chemical test

You can forget all the rest

You might think that it’s strange

But it comes in a very wide range

Not only sparkling and still

But warmed, or frozen, or chilled

Vaporised, evaporated, and distilled

Osmosis-reversed, and de-ionised filled

Brewed from birch, coconut or maple

It’s more than a natural staple
Melted from glaciers and pack-ice

Deep-water harvested in a trice

Purified through thick beds of rice

Processed and refined to taste nice

It comes very highly rated

Omega-enhanced, and ultra-filtrated

Anti-oxidising manganese

What could be better than these?

It’s cellulite-eradicating

And it’s faster-hydrating

And it’s so easy to see

Why this should be

To vegetarians and vegans it’s key

And it’s sugar-, dairy-, and gluten-free!

The key to all life with very few faults

Cos it’s packed full of mineral salts!

This First World luxury’s not trite

And a privileged lifestyle’s our right

And as we want connoisseurs to see the light

So our packaging is plain black, or plain white

(We trade on such minimalist shite)

We are a water-obsessed nation

It’s all about drinkable elation

Not just simply hydration!

Yes, we know the stuff falls from the skies

And in ponds and lakes it gathers and lies

From geysers and spas it will bubble and rise

In wells you can gather a hoard
It springs from the Earth of its own accord

The wide oceans cover the map

  

And it just pours forth from the tap

But we think we’ve spotted the gap –

What we’re simply demanding

Is for you to pay more attention to the branding

The “terroir” is important to the flavour

It provides a crystal purity to savour

But when we’ve exhausted this elitist demand

When every type of water’s been bottled or canned

When thirst has been slaked throughout the land

We’ll have to find a new designer ware

About which consumers will care

Even though it’s already there

And exploit something that appears to be rare –

So we’re thinking of bottling….the air

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Savoury Tortilla

Recipe for: SAVOURY TORTILLA

Ingredients:

·        300g potatoes, peeled, thinly sliced or chunked & cooked for 5 minutes

·        2 tblsp olive oil

·        25g butter

·        450g leeks, washed, trimmed & thinly sliced

·        300g courgettes, washed, trimmed & thinly sliced

·        100g frozen peas

·        25g fresh white breadcrumbs

·        6 large eggs, beaten

·        Salt & pepper

·        200ml milk

·        200g feta cheese, crumbled

·        3 tblsp fresh herbs (e.g. parsley, dill, chives) chopped

Method:

1.      Heat the oil & butter in a generous oven-proof pan

2.      Gently cook the leeks and courgettes until tender

3.      Add the frozen peas for the last couple of minutes

4.      Add the cooked potatoes & the breadcrumbs

5.      Crumble in the cheese and herbs

6.      In a bowl beat the eggs, milk and seasoning together

7.      Add to the vegetable mixture in the pan and mix well

8.      Cook over medium heat for 10 minutes until the eggs are beginning to set

9.      Heat the grill to high and place the pan beneath to cook the top of the tortilla

10.   Allow to rest in pan for 10 minutes, then use spatula(s) to transfer to a warmed serving plate

11.   Cut into thick wedges

What else you need to know:

1.      Serve with salad and/ or bacon and/ or fish

Morning Has Broken

Morning Has Broken

Morning has broken

But the coffee’s not yet spoken

The clouds of last night

Still fog up my sight

The daylight’s too bright

I’m not yet ready

Nor feeling too steady

Time to get through the gate

In spite of my state

The newspaper must wait

It remains to be seen

When I get that hit of caffeine

If the day won’t hold any fear

And the clouds in my head will finally clear

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

(Everything Is) Completely Under Control

(Everything Is) Completely Under Control

Everything here is completely under control

So you mustn’t panic or worry

There’s no need to rush or to hurry

No need to get into a flurry

In fact I’d like to contradict the allegation

That there even is any “situation”

I’ve been very careful myself

So I’ve put my medicines on a very high shelf

Out of the reach of children

And kept the plastic bags away from the babies

So there is no danger of suffocation

Or imminent self-immolation

From the use of flammable materials

(Not that it’s at all immaterial)

I’ve read the warnings on the packet

About allergens and side effects and all of that racket

I’ve read through all the instructions

Before commencing construction

I’ve turned off the power before disconnecting

And done a risk assessment before erecting

I’ve removed any possible confusion

And avoided the risk of electrocution

I’ve used the contents before the Best-By-Date

And so that I wouldn’t become late

I kept the contents sufficiently cool

(You can’t take me for a fool)

And consumed within two days of opening

I’ve kept up my mortgage repayments

It has to be confessed

So my home has not been repossessed

I’ve declared everything I had to do

That to the best of my knowledge is true

As a false statement could de-bar

Any future claims on the car

To retain my complete safety is my goal

I don’t want to end up in a hole

Mister Health & Safety’s my role

Yes, everything here is completely under control

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019