Shakespeare's Plays Explained in Three Lines

Shakespeare’s Plays explained in three lines

A.     The Comedy of Errors

1.      Two sets of identical twins are separated at birth

2.      One set goes looking for the other set

3.      Everybody gets mixed up and some very high jinks ensue

B.     A Midsummer Night’s Dream

1.      Two couples run into fairy-infested woods

2.      Puck puts a love potion into people’s eyes

3.      Everyone falls in love with the wrong person

C.     The Winter’s Tale

1.      Leontes accuses his wife Hermione of adultery

2.      Some poor guy gets eaten by a bear

3.      Sixteen years later a statue comes to life and all ends well

D.     Troilus And Cressida

1.      Troilus loves Cressida

2.      Cressida is given to the Greeks

3.      Homer’s Iliad happens

E.      Henry VI Part 3

1.      Henry is king (twice)

2.      Edward is king (twice)

3.      Henry dies

F.      Richard II

1.      Richard banishes his cousin Henry

2.      Henry comes back & takes Richard’s crown

3.      Richard dies

G.     Richard III

1.      Richard wants to be king

2.      Richard kills lots of people in order to be king

3.      Richard is killed

H.     Macbeth

1.      Three witches tell Macbeth he will be king

2.      Macbeth kills lots of people in order to be king

3.      Macbeth is killed

I.       Hamlet

1.      The ghost of Hamlet’s father tells Hamlet to avenge him

2.      Hamlet talks a LOT about avenging his father.  I mean on and on and on

3.      Hamlet avenges his father

J.       Julius Caesar

1.      Cassius and Brutus assassinate Julius Caesar

2.      Mark Anthony gives a really long speech

3.      Cassius & Brutus kill themselves

K.     King Lear

1.      Lear gives all his wealth away to two of his three daughters

2.      Lear loses his marbles, big time

3.      Lear dies a miserable old man, along with all three of his daughters

L.      Othello

1.      Othello believes his pretty young wife has deceived him

2.      He kills her in a fit of pique

3.      Lots of people get stabbed and Othello dies. Oh bollocks!

M.   Titus Andronicus

1.      Lots of deaths

2.      More deaths

3.      Just lots and lots of death

A Self-Assembly Apology

A Self-Assembly Apology

There have been rather too many so-called apologies published in the national press lately.  Apart from many of them appearing to be somewhat insincere and self-serving, after a while a lot of them start to sound very much the same.  Therefore, in the interests of efficiency and reusability, here is an apology that you can build yourself from a set of standard components.

These instructions are sponsored by IKEA.

1.      Firstly check that your Apology Pack contains all the components and quantities shown on the enclosed leaflet, and that you have all the requisite personal tools to attempt this Apology.  These include:

o   self-confidence in your position,

o   3mm of unjustified Arrogance and

o   2 pints of Crocodile Tears (not supplied);

2.      Begin by inserting the two standard grovelling paragraphs in the space provided;

3.      Connect these to the Blaming Supply-Chain module in Section 7;

4.      Unscrew Paragraph 2 and insert the thin, grovelling-passage about customer loyalty.  NOTE: Take care not to get these two paragraphs confused;

5.      Remove paragraph 4 and insert diagonally into the horizontal plane;

6.      Slot Justification A into Apology G, and Excuse B firmly into the upper part of Explanation J;

7.      Continue to screw the message into your customers until it will not go any further.  Do not over-tighten;

8.      Slide this into the rear of paragraph 9;

9.      Replace all verbs throughout the half-assembled Apology using the packet of patronising adjectives provided (not provided);

10.   Whilst firmly holding up two fingers, grasp the issue by the horns, and with a single deft movement, take the piss out of anyone who does not match up evenly with the statement in paragraph 5;

11.   Add three of the bald-faced Spurious Facts to the Apology.  Ensure that they are fitted underneath the Main Statement, so that they do not show clearly.  If necessary, use an Asterisk (not supplied).  In exceptional cases, use a special Double Asterisk (which are available from specialist punctuation suppliers);

12.   Attach the glossy Government Department Report to section 7, but ensure that it does not interfere with paragraphs 3 & 4;

13.   If required, you may now paint the Apology with a layer of greasy, non-stick Platitude.  Alternatively a simple coat of oily Disingenuity may be preferred;

14.   Finally, stand the Apology upright to see whether it falls over.  If necessary, adjust the Straight Lie in the top left-hand corner until it balances again;

15.   After this, if the Apology does not work properly, please return it with all the packaging to the over-rated Ad Agency you bought it from.  Your statutory rights are not affected.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

There Once Was A Man From Devizes...

There Once Was A Man From Devizes - Limericks

There once was a man from Devizes

Who had balls of two different sizes

One was quite small

Hardly anything at all

The other so large it won prizes

There once was a man from Devizes

Famous for wearing disguises

You couldn’t be certain

If he’d gone for a burton

Or was just sporting comedy trizers

There once was a man from Devizes

Who drank in the Vaults where the pies is

He ate up the pastry

And found it quite tasty

Now he’s fat cos he does no exercises

There once was a man from Devizes

Where there’s listed buildings, not high-rises

Many are Grade Two

And I don’t know about you

But I think the place has nice demises

There once was a man from Devizes

Who stood outside of the Assizes

He had to confess

It was in a right mess

So the owners he roundly despises

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 28th July 2019

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 28^th July 2019

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

1.      A feeling of general despair settled over the whole borough after it was announced that the bloke who hangs around at the end of the bar in a string vest had been elected to lead the Town Council.  The election, however, had only involved members of the local Memory-Loss, Amnesia & Dementia Society (MADS), who collectively form only 0.00002% of the actual town electorate.  Qualifications for membership of the society include an ability to suck a whole packet of Werther’s Originals at a single sitting, a lifetime membership of Saga Holidays and….er….I forget the others.

2.      Meanwhile the newly-appointed Clerk of the Council has issued controversial instructions to his team of local authority lackeys to guide them on how they should write official memos.  These rools include speling proper, not using, like, slang expressions, not to exaggerate more than a million times, and to avoid clichés like the plague.  The officials, in turn, have advised the Clerk exactly where he can file his instructions.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

And Still

And Still

And still we live, and still we rise

Though the news is breaking bad

Corruption comes as no surprise

And still we live and still we rise

In spite of those that we despise

The world it seems is going mad

And still we live, and still we rise

Though the news is breaking bad

© Andy Fawthrop 25/7/19

Oh f**k I've Made A Triolet!

Oh fuck! I’ve Made A Triolet!

God but knows what I did just there

Oh fuck! I’ve made a triolet!

Before I didn’t even dare

God but knows what I did just there

It’s not even that I bloody care

If only there were more to say!

God but knows what I did just there

Oh fuck! I’ve made a triolet!

© Andy Fawthrop 26/7/19

Chive, Yoghurt & Oat Bloomer Loaf

Recipe for: BREAD – Chive, Yoghurt & Oat Bloomer

Ingredients:

·        350ml warm water

·        1 tsp fast action yeast

·        1 large bunch chives, finely chopped (or use spring onions, or onion)

·        200ml yoghurt

·        400g strong white bread flour

·        100g strong wholemeal flour

·        2tsp salt

·        Handful oats

·        Oil for kneading

Method:

1.      Pour water into a large bowl

2.      Add yeast & chives & mix well

3.      Stir in yoghurt

4.      Add salt & both flours, mixing well

5.      Pull together into a single sticky ball

6.      Leave in the bowl, cover with a clean cloth & leave to stand for 10 minutes

7.      Lightly oil worktop & knead the dough gently for 10 seconds

8.      Return to bowl, cover & leave for a further 10 minutes

9.      Knead again for 10 seconds, return to bowl, cover & leave for 90 minutes, until risen by at least half

10.   Prepare two dinner plates: on one put two sheets of kitchen paper, wet with water.  On the other spread out a handful of oats

11.   Line a large oven tray with baking parchment

12.   Get the ball of dough & roll it on the wet plate to moisten the surface, then roll around in the oats until they stick all over, then place into the baking tray

13.   Cover with dry cloth & allow to rise again for about an hour

14.   Heat the oven to 220C/ fan 200C

15.   Using a serrated knife slash the top of the loaf diagonally five or six times

16.   Bake in the hot oven for 40 minutes until golden

What else you need to know:

1.      This looks complicated, but it isn’t!

2.      The loaf will be thin and flat & will develop a very firm crust

3.      It has a lovely sourdough type taste to it – delicious!

4.      Great with soft cheeses

I'm In Love With A Lady Engine-Driver

I’m In Love With A lady Engine-Driver

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

Looks like we’re well on track

I’ve found she’s just the ticket

Hope we never have to look back

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

She drives all over this nation

I hope I’m not just a passenger

Courting way above my station

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

I hope that we can travel far

It’s still early in the journey

But the signals are looking good so far

I’m in love with a lady-engine-driver

Hope our coupling’s not ill-starred

But she knows how to conduct herself

And I’m keeping on my guard

I’m in love with a lady-engine driver

She’s my Virgin railway pass

Not any kind of common traveller

But right up there in First Class

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

Sometimes she lets me stay all night

She really has some great points

And she’s giving me the green light!

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

I’m all steamed up

That we’ve teamed up

I like her carriage

It might lead to marriage

I hope this miss’ll

Wet my whistle

That we won’t be cancelled or delayed

That our love will never fade

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

I’m really chuffed

That we’ve huffed and puffed

She’s a lovely sleeper

She’s a real keeper

I hope that she’s forever mine

And doesn’t shunt me off her main line

That our loving never fails

And doesn’t go off the rails

  

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

She looks good in reds and blues

She’ got a lovely pair of buffers

Standing there in her platform shoes

I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

Everything’s now in train

I think she’s the real goods

Please let it not go down the drain!

Yes, I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

I guess I’m really nervous

In case I get shunted into a siding

And become her rail replacement service

Yes, I’m in love with a lady engine-driver

The very thought of her makes me tingle

So I hope that she’ll return each night

And that I’ll never again have to travel single

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Invasion

Invasion

My bathroom’s been invaded

There’s wet patches on the mat

A new toothbrush is in the holder

It couldn’t be any plainer than that

An extra coat’s a-hanging on the peg

In the little rack along the wall

Another car’s parking in my drive-way

Because some-one’s started to call

I’m making double portions

Of all the meals I’m preparing

I’m getting through tea-bags faster

But it’s much more fun sharing

Clothing’s appeared inside the wardrobe

Where my old rags used to be

And the bed’s so much warmer now

Than when it was only little me

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

An Appeal

An Appeal

It’s time to think of those less fortunate

So here is tonight’s charity appeal

It’s a cause that’s worth your attention

A situation that you might help to heal

It’s a real crisis, ladies and gentlemen

For which funds are urgently needed

To help save this endangered species

With a warning that must be heeded

It’s your chance to help the vulnerable

For it has come to our attention of late

That the human race is heading for extinction

And needs to face up to its fate

Humans are such beautiful creatures

That once were happy and healthy

But now they’re losing their habitat

In the pursuit of making themselves wealthy

Once they roamed all over their planet

But now there are so few left in the wild

Through pollution and starvation

There’s little chance for even a child

War, genocide and famine

They’ve endured each one of these

But they’ve failed to learn any lessons

And now suffer pestilence and disease

Just ten billions could make all the difference

Twenty-five would help ease some of their pain

Fifty would buy a survival kit or a gas-mask

A hundred wouldn’t be flushed down the drain

Please send whatever you can

Any cash you’re willing to spare

Show these humanoids that there’s a future

That somebody out there still cares

Just send it to this Freepost address

And if you’re in the slightest of doubt

Then mark the back of your envelope

Please stop buggering about!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 21st July 2019

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 21^st July 2019

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

1.      Celebrations have continued around the town throughout the week to mark the 50^th anniversary of the mission to send an exploratory probe to a far-distant place, an arid landscape, devoid of life-giving oxygen, turned away from the Sun, and having absolutely no atmosphere.  The mission was carried out by three brave men in a modified milk-float, on a return journey that lasted for several days through a vast empty void.  Yet today we take TrowVegas almost for granted.  We forget that, back in those days in the 1960s, it was a total alien and misunderstood place.  Nowadays people think nothing of getting on the 49 bus route, abusing the driver, and trying to avoid paying the fare.  Happy days.

2.      And in a remarkable finish to last week-end’s North Wiltshire Cricket (Germolene League South) one-day cup competition, The Vize finally won something at this amazing sport. Needing 127 runs off the last over, and with the last two batsmen at the crease, it looked as if The Vize would be disappointed yet again.  But by some miracle of six-hitting, several mis-fields, 93 over-throws, one leg-bye and a partridge in a pear tree, the town finally won a trophy.  No real sports fans were affected by this piece of sporting history.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Love Is On The Cards

Love Is On The Cards

They say that love is a wonderful thing

That the pursuit of one’s life’s desire

Possesses all the thrill of the chase

And that passion can light one’s fire

But it’s never quite as simple as that

In real life it’s just not the same

And it’s rarely a case of conquest

More like a difficult card-game

It depends upon the cards you’ve been dealt

And how skilfully you play your hand

The odds are usually stacked against you

And chances run through your fingers like sand

This is exactly what happened to me

When I suffered love’s piercing dart

How I pursued the woman I loved

And I should say at the start

That she was no common tart

The lady who’d stolen every part

Of my loudly beating Heart

I felt that she was my Diamond

A girl I’d seen down at the pub

But here is the rub

Of the matter the nub

For in this social hub

I wasn’t even in the Club!

I met her in the arcade

In my finery all arrayed

I really fancied that jade

But my hope had started to fade

My suit wasn’t made

For several drinks I had paid

But when she spoke she bade

Me to get lost

Bury myself – take your own Spade!

I’d made a mess of the case

Hadn’t even reached first base!

I’d lost plenty of face

Before I’d started the race

I’d failed in the chase!

This was really not Ace

I’d tried her praises to sing

But she was soon on the wing

I wasn’t really her thing

No chance of her wearing my ring

I’d only wanted to be her King

Oh how foolish I’d been!

Of her heart I’d never be dean

It could clearly be seen

I knew what this would mean

She’d never be my Queen

Of love-making I hadn’t the knack

In the queue I was at the back

Of success there was a lack

My emotions on the rack

She’d given me the sack

My amour had started to crack

My mood had become black

Just another card in the pack

And I was left on my Jack

I’d worked quite hard

To play my court card

But in the game of love’s poker

I was now merely the Joker!

I’d taken the wrong route

I’d thought I was quite cute

(Though that point is quite moot)

But she’d given me the boot

In pleading my suit

The situation was crap

My heart had gone Snap

You could say it was quite Rummy

That my love-life was crummy

I was feeling a wreck

I was down on the deck

I never did Find The Lady

My lead had been bumped

I should never have jumped

I’d not even started, just been dumped

And in the end I hadn’t the answer –

I’d been Trumped!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Watch Batteries Fitted Here

Watch Batteries Fitted Here

I was having a grand day out

Wandering round the market one morn

When I spotted the stall-holder’s notice

That cheered me in the cold light of dawn

“Watch batteries fitted here” it said

That’ll be grand entertainment, I thought

So I settled myself in to wait

For the first customer to be caught

It was a quiet old morning

With not many punters around

The stall-holder eyed me suspiciously

Standing there, holding my ground

“Can I help you?” he asked me forthwith

Pointing to his watches, and his time-keeping ware

His clocks, his straps and his batteries

And his paraphernalia so rare.

By now a small crowd had gathered

Anticipating the up-coming show

Waiting for someone to buy something

Fascinated by a craftsman with know-how

He was a master performer and artiste

And with a wide range of tools he was kitted

I’d say there’s no greater spectacle

Than to actually watch a battery get fitted

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Savoury Roquefort Cheesecake

Recipe for: SAVOURY ROQUEFORT CHEESECAKE

Ingredients:

·        For the base:

o   75g/ 3oz white breadcrumbs

o   40g pecorino romano or parmesan, finely grated

o   25g butter, melted

o   Freshly milled black pepper

·        For the filling:

o   3 eggs, beaten

o   225g medium-fat curd cheese

o   110g fromage frais

o   175g roquefort cheese, crumbled

o   1 tblsp fresh chives, snipped

o   4 spring onions, finely sliced

o   Salt & freshly-milled black pepper

Method:

1.      Heat oven to 180C (fan)

2.      In a bowl mix the breadcrumbs & parmesan, adding melted butter and pepper

3.      Press this mixture firmly down onto base of a 22cm springform cake tin

4.      Bake in the oven for 10-15 minutes until crisp & toasted

5.      Remove from the oven and turn down to 170C

6.      In a bowl beat the eggs with curd cheese

7.      Stir in fromage frais and seasoning

8.      Add the crumbled Roquefort and snipped chives

9.      Pour the mixture into the tin on top of the crumb base

10.   Scatter spring onions on top

11.   Bake for 40-45 minutes until centre feels springy to the touch

12.   Allow to cool for 20 minutes before removing the tin

13.   Cut into wedges and serve

Space Force

I wrote this poem last year, but it seems appropriate to bring it out again now.  In the week when we're celebrating the 50th anniversary of the launch of Apollo 11, and man's first successful expedition to land a man on the Moon, we hear the Crazy Orange One yet again cranking up the rhetoric about "US destiny".  How different from the inspired words of JFK who set up the manned space race.  Kennedy was no saint, but he was a statesman of high calibre. Now look what we're stuck with.

Space Force

You really couldn’t make any of this up

What’s been happening just over The Pond

The orange man with the comb-over

Has announced they’re off to Mars And Beyond

The planets and stars are no longer safe

For I have it from a reliable source

They’d like to stop immigration by aliens

And they’re going to call it the Space Force

You might think it’s all Science Fiction

But it seems our human future’s sealed

For instead of peace and co-operation

They’ve already dubbed it The Next Battlefield

It’s not NASA but a military branch

They’re looking for control and conquest

Space traffic management of the best

Ordered up at their own behest

I thought it was just Trump having a jest

He couldn’t possibly be serious I’d guessed

But, no, this is no sort of test

He wants dominance for the West

Since mankind’s relatively recent birth

We’ve quickly made a mess of the Earth

Wasted resources, now there’s a dearth

Is that really all it’s worth?

Not content with buggering up this world

Committing global crimes that are heinous

They’re taking on the whole solar system

And one of the next steps is apparently Venus

Perhaps he’s been reading too many comics

And is worried about Little Green Men

Inter-galactic missiles and flying saucers

Invasion being not a matter of “if” but only of “when”

Perhaps he’s afraid when he’s sleeping at night

Perhaps he hears Martians rattling the locks

Maybe he dreams of wielding a light-sabre

To fight off the Klingons and Ewoks?

This is bonkers it’s apparent to me

Humanity working together is key

Not the Yanks dictating how it’ll be

I hope you’ll have to agree

They’re just taking the pee

In the so-called Land Of The Free

  

We can’t let them go over to the Dark Side

Nor go along with them just for the ride

Stick our heads in the sand and hide

We have to stand up to this warmongering tide

And let common sense be our guide

So space becomes not the Great Divide

We need exploration, scientific discovery

Making best use of whatever we find

Bringing benefits to all of humanity

Supporting the whole of mankind

Please let’s keep outer space neutral

Boldly going where no man has gone before

Our planet’s not The Final Frontier

Let’s not close that particular door

So never mind “Infinity and Beyond”

Let’s be sensible whatever we do

Thanks for listening to this rant

And “May The Force Be With You”

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019