Doing Porridge
They’ve found it in the
long-dead stomachs
Of ancient peat-bog dwellers
so old,
For it’s a very durable
substance,
Once it’s set and allowed to
go cold.
Scraps of it still adhere to
kitchen walls,
Where a pan of it once
exploded,
And it carries many a memory,
Once it’s been analysed and
de-coded.
It’s a reminder of times
quite distant,
A material that’s said to be
fissile,
And, once rolled into a tight
little ball,
It can even be used as a
missile.
Now this food-stuff’s
something of a winner,
And its utility takes some
beating,
For it’s popular North of the
Border:
A Scottish substitute for
Central Heating.
Yes - I speak of a dish of
hot porridge:
High in fibre, vitamins and
protein,
It lowers cholesterol &
blood pressure:
A meal that’s fit for a
queen.
A humble bowl is so full of
goodness,
Low in sugar and easy
digestible,
Not like one of your fancy
breakfasts,
But a food that’s a wholesome
comestible.
It’s much better than a full
English,
Yoghurt, muesli or hominy
grits.
It tastes much smoother too,
Because it doesn’t come with
the bits.
It’s not fishy like old
kippers,
Nor crunchy like you get with
fruit and with nuts.
It slides down all soft and
seductive,
Then it sticks to the sides
of your guts.
But you have to make it the
true way,
Neither too heavy, nor too
light.
Neither too hot nor too cold,
If you want it to be just
about right.
Oatmeal and water and some salt
Is the method that really
rocks,
And then you must stir it all
clockwise,
If you want it to suit
Goldilocks.
For the stirring keeps the
Devil away,
And forces him to run and to
hurtle,
And if that doesn’t seem to
work,
You can despatch him with the
spurtle.
Tho’ it’s Scottish, it don’t
use a sheep’s stomach,
So from this dish there’s no
need to hide.
You don’t need to eat it with
Irn-Bru,
And, unlike Mars bars, it’s
not even deep-fried.
They sell it in Prêt
-a-Manger to take away,
And even McDonalds are in on
the game.
So there must be profits in
oatmeal,
But it’s good for you all the
same.
It may be a guard against
cold weather,
But here’s the point – if you
want to take notes:
They say it’s an aphrodisiac
-
So there’s more than one way
of getting your oats.
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