Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 27th August 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 27^th August 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      A woman who threatened to resign from the Town Council in 1969, has finally carried out her threat.  Council officials are said to be not only surprised and shocked, but also absolutely delighted.  Following over fifty years of delay, this now paves the way for a Council by-election.  Several candidates who had been lined up by her party to succeed her have since ruled themselves out of the running, but even more of them have simply lost interest in politics or died. 

2.      And a former politician has been taken into custody, and charged with impersonating an orange.  He asked for several other offences to be taken into account, including being lemon-faced, slipping on a banana-skin, blowing raspberries at the authorities, talking absolute rhubarb, looking like a right melon and straining his plums in public.  But where can a mango when he’s such a fruit-cake? 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 20th August 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 20^th August 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Police have been called after it was discovered that the Wiltshire Museum in Long Street has suffered a large number of unexplained losses.  Initial investigations revealed that 90% of the museum’s artefact collection has never been photographed or catalogued, that curator staff have not been security-checked, and that there are no guards or alarms on the buildings.  Police pronounced themselves “utterly baffled” how such a large-scale crime could be committed under such circumstances.  Other local crimes, including cases of defecation on the woods, and establishing the exact religion of the Pope, also remain unsolved. 

2.      And the world of sport is in total turmoil this morning after it was discovered that, contrary to popular belief, women and ladies and girls of a female persuasion, can actually play ball games.  Apparently all forms of sport are actually possible for them, including cricket and football.  It is hoped that in future years, anyone wearing a bra and possessing a womb, will be able to register to play sports.  Competitions, leagues, and even World Cups may be organised.  It is not known if anyone would pay to watch any such shenanigans.  So watch this space in case any kind of girlie games are ever staged. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 13th August 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 13^th August 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Police in the town are investigating a possible case of arson and insurance fraud after the only properly-built house in D-Town was burnt to the ground & subsequently bulldozed into a pile of rubble.  The house on the High Street stood out, and was featured in postcards and magazine supplements, because it was perfectly level, properly proportioned, and had rooms with 90-degree corners.  This is in contrast to other properties in the town which are leaning, wonky, and give the impression of having been thrown together by teams of cowboy builders, from Norman times, through the medieval period, right up to the modern era of Barratt, Persimmon and Bellway. 

2.      The two men who were last week forced to take up residence in a narrowboat moored on the K&A canal at The Wharf, were this week forced to return to shore.  It had been found that conditions aboard were far too healthy & salubrious for drop-outs to occupy.  Also the legionnaire who was already living there had objected to sharing his boat.  It is expected that next week the two men will be forced to live aboard a different vessel, before being forced the week after that to go and live somewhere else altogether. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023