Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 17th September 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 17^th September 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The Town Council has moved at its usual snail-like pace to not ban dangerous dogs from our streets.  A spokes-bot for the Council claimed that this was in line with, and totally consistent with, all their other policies, such as not banning the local feral yoof from cycling on pavements and in pedestrianised areas, not stopping the 20 butcher’s vans from parking all day in the loading bays in Sidmouth Street, and not stopping the swans and ducks from crapping in the Crammer. 

2.      And yet again plans for HS2 (High-Speed Tractor-lane 2) have been thrown into doubt.  Money is tight and budgets are constantly being revised in the light of spiralling costs.  The North-eastern leg to Melksham may now have to terminate in the middle of a small field near Sells Green, whilst the main spur through the town’s High Street may need to be narrowed to accommodate the many Grade II-listed buildings.  Hay-bales will be unloaded outside the Town Hall, rather than in the Market Place, and tractors (who have their own rules of the road) may be restricted to only 80mph when passing narrow pavements.  None of the extensions are expected to be built before 2035, so we can all go back to not worrying about it any more. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 10th September 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 10^th September 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      D-Town was briefly under martial law during the week.  Apart from the Water Board closing several streets to install new water mains, thus reducing local drivers to gibbering wrecks, large gangs of unruly schoolchildren roamed the streets.  Having discovered that several school buildings were constructed using a combination of yoghurt, feta cheese and lark-spit, the facilities were rapidly closed.  The library, and most other civic buildings were also off-limits as roofs made of Weetabix were uncovered.  The children were finally rounded up, using a combination of cattle-prods and traps laced with salt and vinegar crisps. 

2.      On the music scene, townsfolk were surprised to hear of the release of the first new album of original songs from 60s super-group The Strolling Bones.  Speaking from their walking frames and power chairs in their residence The D-Town Home For The Terminally Bewildered, lead singer Rick Jogger and guitarists Bonny Good and Rich Keefwards said that they hoped to go on tour of the entire ground floor of the home in the next few weeks.  Featuring two ex-members on some tracks, one of whom lives in a cave in Scotland with a yak, and another who is actually dead, the album will be released on NeededTheMoney Records next week. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 3rd September 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 3^rd September 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      A controversial scheme to charge for polluting vehicles entering D-Town’s central area in, the Outside Your Every Zone (or OYEZ) may have to be dropped as it has been realised that so few vehicles of any kind actually enter the zone.  The maze of one-way streets, constant road-works and complete inability to park anywhere has reduced the population to walking into town. 

2.      And D-Town’s small but highly energetic Indian population is celebrating today with the launch from our Live International Space Port (LISP) of their first probe to investigate the Sun.  When asked how their scientists had planned to cope with the intense radiation and heat emitted by the star, their scientists replied that they had thought of that, and that they were carrying out the mission by night. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023