Hasty Pudding

Recipe for: HASTY PUDDING

Ingredients:

• Some jam or fresh stewed fruit (Rhubarb, plums etc)
• 100g unsalted butter, very soft
• 100g caster sugar
• 2 eggs
• 100g self-raising flour
• 50g ground almonds
• 1 tblsp flaked almonds (optional)

 Method:

1. heat oven to 180C/ fan 160C/ gas 5
2. spoon the fruit or jam into the bottom of a pudding dish
3. in a separate bowl mix the butter with the sugar.  Beat until smooth & creamy
4. beat in the eggs, then the flour, then the ground almonds
5. spoon the mixture over the fruit in the dish
6. top with a few flaked almonds (if using)
7. bake in the oven for 40-50 minutes, until the sponge is cooked through
8. remove from oven & allow to stand for a few minutes

 What else you need to know:

1. serve with ice-cream, cream or custard

Burger Anyone?

Burger Anyone?

Roll up, roll up, come see what they’ve got,

Come to the front and take up your seat -

It’s time for a taste of their new burger,

And to see if it’s anything like meat!

They’ve used the best of technology

To create this small in vitro patty.

Research in advanced forms of biology,

And the result, they think, looks quite natty.

It was all grown in the test-tube,

From a culture of harvested stem-cells.

They had a great pile, and kept them all sterile,

In a mix of antibiotics and gels.

And when they had enough to get hold of,

They added flavourings to give it some taste,

And colourings and other additives,

To produce a pink, soft-textured paste.

They moulded it and pressed it into its shape,

Until it was ready for them to bake:

Just the one, single burger, you know,

That cost two hundred thousand to make.

The problem is - it don’t seem too appetizing,

Which could be a bit of an issue -

They need to add some fat and some blood,

And a bit more connective tissue.

Nor does it look very attractive,

Despite all the science that’s occurred:

It’s small, and wrinkled and brown,

With every appearance of a small turd.

But they have to get over that drawback,

To produce something less dingy and curled,

And think of the nutritional benefits ,

If we are ever going to feed the World.

We’ve moved from science-fiction to fact,

But we have to think through its release,

Cos tho’ half the planet seems to be starving,

The other half seems to be obese.

Is technology really the answer here?

Don’t we need nation to speak unto nation?

To sort out production and distribution,

More than this Frankenstein creation?

  

Do we really want food that’s grown in a lab?

Is that really what we would wish?

By men in white coats with their clipboards,

Staring intently at a Petrie dish?

So next time you’re pining for protein,

And you’re panting for something that’s bovine,

Don’t be wishing away animals and farms -

Just think about how you’d like to dine.

Of course you can take a different track,

By doing something that’s novel and edgy:

Just give up eating meat altogether,

And accept it’s time to turn veggie.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013

Half-way There

Here we go - a bit more existential angst.

Half-way There

I confess it brought me up short

When I was forced to stop

And think hard about it

But I suppose I should not have been surprised

That even at my modest middle age

I was more than half-way along

Beyond some unnoticed landmark

Some signpost in the fog

Already past the highest peak

And The Great Divide

How many more heartbeats

To pump the blood along?

How many more times to fill the lungs

Or exhale once again?

To blink, to dream, to sleep?

And is the onward journey

The steps that still remain

On a gentle downhill slope

Towards a comfortable night

Where I can take my rest?

Or more a rapid tumble downwards

A sudden undignified descent

Of a craggy hillside full of stones

Falling, tumbling ever-faster

Towards a sudden painful end?

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013

DELAYED - News From Bromham - Dateline Sunday 4th August 2013

Bulletin From Bromham: Dateline – Sunday 4^th August 2013

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Bromham:

1.       This bulletin has been delayed in its production owing to the temporary closure of the Bromham embassy in Outer Seend, following detailed (but unspecified) terrorist threats intercepted by the Bromham Broadcasting Corporation (BBC).

2.       It has been revealed that several major Bromham businesses have been operating by using controversial zero-carrot-based contracts.  These contracts allow businesses to work in a completely flexible way, by offering workers a certain amount of carrots per week, according to operating requirements.  Some weeks this can mean no carrots, and other weeks it can mean more carrots than they can realistically handle.  However, these contracts have been heavily criticised because they do not allow workers to know how many carrots they may earn from one week to the next.  This is the latest scandal to hit commerce in Bromham, after it was revealed last year that Tim Piglet’s Retail Emporium in the High Street had been offering its employees a zero-parsnip contract.

3.       For details of these and all other Bromham stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station Carrot FM.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013

Doorway

Doorway

This public passage from street to inside,

A portal into commerce,

Its shining steps, and marble facings,

Its heavy glass doors, its lobby and gaping atrium,

People in and out, coming and going,

Busy thoroughfare for business,

And those there by appointment.

Open by day, inviting, warm and welcoming,

Drawing in customers, callers and couriers,

A doorway beckoning easy entry,

Its corporate face smiling outwards into sunlight,

Beyond solid security guards standing sentry,

Later closing, and locked up for the night.

After hours it’s quiet, deserted, no longer used,

Unlit, unfrequented, darkened, but mostly dry,

The entryway blocked off at night-times,

Tall-ceilinged, an ingle in the gloom,

Reduced to a cul-de-sac,

Three sides of a room,

Sheltered from the wind, and the worst of the cold,

A personal, private dead-ended space.

Such unfashionable accommodation,

At the heart of the West End,

But welcome nevertheless:

Singles only, I’m afraid -

No mattress, no breakfast,

Bring your own bedding and towels,

Lacking any en-suite,

Early check-out on week-day mornings,

If not woken by passing feet,

Or a copper to move you along.

Regular haunt for those on the street,

A good spot if you’re in the know,

Safer than shelters or hostels,

When there’s nowhere else to go.

By first light, it’s change-over time again,

Turning back into the same old place,

Where a care-taker sweeps away the night’s rubbish,

And the building resumes its implacable face.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013

When I'm Runnin' Windows

When I’m Runnin’ Windows

To the tune of George Formby's "When I'm Cleanin' Windows". 

Now I go runnin’ Windows

To earn an honest bob
For a home-based worker

It helps me in my job

Now it's a job that just suits me
But you’d be just as mad as me
If you could see what I can see
When I'm runnin’ Windows

The software runs at quite a dash
And it costs me lots of cash
But it always seems to crash
When I'm runnin' Windows

In my profession I'll work hard
And I'll never stop
I'll beat this blinkin’ system
Even if I have to drop

I’ve got my office up in the loft
It’s not the dust that makes me cough
It’s just me cursin’ Microsoft
When I'm runnin Windows

There’s some functions that I lack
Seems I need an upgrade pack
Think I’ll get myself a Mac
When I'm runnin’ Windows

The Operatin’ System’s poor
I’d like to show it to the door
Stop me rollin’ on the floor
When I'm runnin’ Windows

In my profession I'll work hard
And I'll never stop
I'll beat this blinkin’ system
Even if I have to drop

These programs I simply hates
And now I’ve lost all my mates
It’s all because of that Bill Gates
When I'm runnin' Windows

Outlook is built to tire us
No-one would ever hire us
Best way to spread a virus
When I'm runnin' Windows

Excel’s a bugger to run
It takes away all the fun
And the sums are never done
When I'm runnin' Windows

In my profession I'll work hard
And I'll never stop
I'll beat this blinkin’ system
Even if I have to drop

The software’s slow and not brisk
Why would I want to take the risk?
It might mangle my hard disk
When I'm runnin’ Windows

When I'm runnin’ Windows

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013

Chard Gratin

Recipe for: CHARD GRATIN

Ingredients:

• 750g chard
• 500ml cream
• 2 cloves garlic, crushed
• Nutmeg
• Salt & pepper
• 2 handfuls breadcrumbs
• 2 handfuls grated cheddar

 Method:

1. heat oven to 180C/ fan 170C
2. smear inside of a gratin dish with butter
3. wash the chard & separate stems & leaves
4. boil or steam the chard, giving longer to the stems than the leaves
5. drain & squeeze out excess moisture
6. layer the chard in the gratin dish
7. mix the cream with the garlic and a good grating of nutmeg, salt & pepper, then pour over the chard in the dish
8. scatter the top with breadcrumbs & cheese
9. bake in the oven for about 40 minutes, or until the top is golden & bubbling

 What else you need to know:

1. this recipe also works with spinach, fennel, broccoli etc