Blunt Axe

Blunt Axe

There was an executioner called Beck,

Who was paid to cut off heads by the neck,

But was exceedingly lax,

About sharpening his axe

And of his victims made a terrible wreck.

He gave his instrument a mighty swing,

But, though it was a frightening thing,

It just seemed to drop,

It didn’t actually chop,

And simply delivered a slight sting.

The prisoner with his head on the block,

Whose knees had already started to knock,

Said: “For God’s sake, you dick,

Get on and make it more quick,

Much longer and I’ll expire here of shock!”

This caused Beck to issue forth a great grunt,

And for the whet-stone started to hunt,

For it’s no use just tutting,

When you’re meant to be cutting,

And you can’t chop with an axe when it’s blunt.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 17th May 2020

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 17^th May 2020

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                              

1.      Some children in D-Town are preparing to go back to school, but others are not.  Children in Years 1, 3. 5 and 7 will attend on alternating Tuesdays and Thursdays, whereas Years 2,4 and 6 will attend on alternate  Mondays and Wednesdays.  The following week they will swap over.  Fridays will be reserved for counselling & therapy sessions for the teaching staff.  But these arrangements will only apply if social distancing can be maintained.  Or not, in which case they won’t be.  School janitors and other non-reaching staff will be rubbed down with alcohol on a regular basis, and all door handles and textbooks will be boiled after each usage.  Or not.  On a conditional basis.  Perhaps.

2.      Given that D-Town currently has a low R-number, S-number and T-number, and sits in a beautiful country area of Wiltshire, civic leaders have pleaded with visitors from other parts of the country to come and visit the area as soon as possible.  Although all pubs, cafes, shops, toilets and car-parks are currently closed due to Covid-19 restrictions, citizens are desperate to see any vehicles with an internal combustion engine moving around the deserted streets, whilst seeking for a non-existent parking space.  Sightings of any forms of modern technology would be welcome.  The town idiots are getting bored now and we desperately need some new targets for their anti-social behaviour.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

The Sun Will Rise

The Sun Will Rise

The sun will rise again tomorrow morning

And the moon will take his nightly course

The Earth will keep on turning on its axis

And maintain its gravitational force

The days and months will go on passing

And the year will tread its normal way

Through all its seasons, each in turn

Until we’re out of this one day

Mothers will bring their babies into the world

And young children will outgrow their clothes

We shall all keep growing older

Until our bodies are free of worldly woes

Soon this crisis will all be over

As they say “This too shall pass”

We will carry on until our normal time

And our bodies return to elemental mass

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

My Busy Lockdown Day

My Busy Lockdown Day

This enforced lockdown isolation

Has turned my daily life upside down -

My old routine’s all shot to shit

Now I’m not supposed to walk to town

No longer getting up to go to work

Means I don’t need to set the alarm

But this doesn’t mean I get to have a lie-in

Or that the day passes all peaceful and calm

Now broadband communication’s a wonderful thing,

And so is social media and things of that type,

Cause everything happens online these days

As we all use Messenger, Zoom and Skype

The day’s simply packed with new activities

There’s just so much I’ve got to do

It’s just one bloody thing after another

Doing many things I didn’t know I knew

After early sessions of yoga and meditation,

There’s DIY, gardening and reading

Then I’m learning to play saxophone

Tho’ my ears have started bleeding

After lunch I learn Swahili and Serbo-Croat,

And other skills that are life-enhancing

I’m also looking into darts and scuba-diving,

Decorating birthday cakes, and belly dancing

Later I’ll re-arrange the titles in my book-case

To form an interesting background

You never know where they’ll be looking

When the video meeting comes around

I’m building a scale model of Buckingham Palace

Using only patience, glue and matchsticks

My 5000-piece jigsaw dominates the lounge

And I’m completing it naked, just for kicks

Tonight I’m shouting at the neighbours

Using many expletives and such

I’m not requesting any help from them –

It’s just that I don’t like them very much

Tomorrow I’ll bake bread using only sawdust

Or other random items I can get

I’ve removed the labels from all my cans

Now it’s like playing nutritional Russian Roulette

I’m wondering just how many combinations

Of sandwich fillings I can possibly make

I’m slowly crawling up my newly-decorated walls

How much more of this am I expected to take?

I’m bored of shouting at politicians on the telly

There’s only one answer that I need to get –

Because now that time has lost all its meaning

Is it too early to start drinking yet?

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Beef Broth

Recipe for: BEEF BROTH (with dumplings)

Ingredients:

• 1lb (or more) of lean stewing or braising steak, cubed into bite-size pieces
• Large onion, roughly chopped
• ½ swede, peeled & roughly chopped
• 2 medium carrots, peeled & roughly chopped
• 2 medium potatoes, peeled & cubed
• 4-6 oz peas (fresh or frozen)
• 2-4 oz red lentils
• Beef stock cube

 Method:

1. in a large heavy pan or casserole, put a pint of water on to boil.  Crumble in the stock cube and throw in the lentils
2. as the liquid is coming up to the boil, throw in the onions, swede, carrots, potatoes & the steak
3. once up to the boil, lower the heat to a simmer & skim off any scum which rises to the surface
4. cover & cook very gently for a couple of hours.  The lentils should become so soft that they become part of the liquid, help to thicken it,
5. when the broth is almost ready, add the peas & cook until tender
6. adjust seasoning with salt & pepper
7. if using dumplings (see other recipe), drop them into the simmering liquid and cover with a lid, cooking for about 20 minutes, until the dumplings have fluffed up
8. serve in large soup bowls

What else you need to know:

1. this dish is actually better if you make it one day, then let it cool and heat it up the next day
2. it gets even better if you keep it going for a few days – make a double quantity to start with, then keep topping up with extra hot water, another stock cube, fresh vegetable etc as you deplete the quantity by eating it.  The sauce thickens, matures & gets more depth.
3. you can add other veggies if you want – celery, courgette, tomato, mushroom – it doesn’t really matter – use your imagination!
4. it also works with chicken, but add later in the process & cook for a shorter period
5. great with dumplings or a floury baked potato

Love At A Distance

Love At A Distance

I know that I must keep my distance

And that we cannot be together

So I must admire you from afar

Yet still my skin grows hot

And my temperature rises

When I’m thinking of you

I’m infected with my love of you

So I dutifully stay at home

Locked in and locked down

It’s a way of testing my love

Though the result can only be positive

You may wish to wash your hands of me

Each time for twenty seconds

Whilst singing your favourite song

But I continue with my daily routine

Exercising my right to love you from afar

I Zoom in on your isolation

Peering at the volumes on your bookshelf

Shielding yourself from my infection

Your face masked against my intrusion

So that you cannot breathe me in

Locked down against the world

Safe within your comfort zone

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

Banger

Banger

I’m a great fan of pork products:

To be deprived would be a great lossage -

So I’m here to sing you the praises,

Of the noble, and various sausage.

                                                    

There’s Cumberland, and there’s your Irish,

And French ones from the town of Toulouse,

And they’re all bound to get juices running,

For soon as you cook them, fat’s starting to ooze.

On the Continent you’ve got Saucisson,

In Germany there’s a thing called a Bratwurst.

It’s not Baloney to think of Poloney,

A nation without one should call itself cursed.

The flavours come in all shapes and sizes,

To suit the rich and the hoi-polloi.

A chipolata’s good for a starter,

But pales beside the good old Saveloy.

You can go the whole hog for a Hot Dog,

But salami, I think, looks perter.

You can be a hanger for a good banger,

Especially if it’s a Frankfurter.

But I think we must look rather deeper,

And we’ve got to be really willing,

To delve into methods of production,

And to wonder just what’s in the filling.

The casing might be natural or false,

But there’s lots of things can call themselves pork.

You’d be surprised if only you knew,

Exactly what’s on the end of your fork.

They like to use up all of the animal,

And be sure that nothing can go to waste,

So everything gets ground up you see,

And reduced to a pink kind of paste.

Mechanically-recovered’s the term,

With cereal and rusk they pack and they fill,

And then they do grind, lots of thick rind,

And the snout, the ears and the nostril.

Most of the innards, and outwards, are used:

The guts, the toe-nails and the eye-lashes,

The pistle, the gristle and even the whistle,

Mixed all up into hashes and mashes.

  

Colourings and plenty of flavourings,

Additives and seasonings to begin,

You’d wince, if you knew what went into the mince,

That was finally forced into the skin.

The feet are mixed up with wheat, and even some teat,

Some spice, some rice, perhaps even some mice,

Then its ground and bound, and gently browned,

That’s the way to make it taste nice.

For these are some of the ingredients,

The contents that the makers might favour.

After all, without all the e-numbers,

How would we ever get any flavour?

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020