News From Bromham - Dateline Sunday 15th July 2012

Bulletin From Bromham: Dateline – 15^th July 2012

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Bromham:

·         Private security firm B4S (Before Security) have finally admitted that they are unable to recruit sufficient staff to secure the Bromham borders.  Bromham Parish Council have had to intervene by bringing in PVS (Piglet Vigilante Services).  Unlike the Olympics, where the problem is to prevent ne’er-do-wells from getting into the sites, PVS will be employed to stop disaffected Bromham residents from getting out and escaping from the village compound into the outside world.  The risk of cross-breeding with normal people is too terrible to contemplate.

·         At the end of his court case this week, Bromham Casuals’ star striker Dwayne Mooney was acquitted by magistrates on the charge of serially abusing opponents with a range of root vegetables.  Whilst Mooney admitted in his testimony to several incidents involving carrots and parsnips, he successfully claimed that he had only been using the vegetables “in a sarcastic manner”.  Despite the court ruling, Mooney may still face charges from the Wiltshire FA of bringing vegetables into disrepute.

·         For details of these and all other Bromham stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station Carrot FM.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012

If You Don't Like Spiders, Look Away Now

Arachnophobia

A gasp and then a scream

She effects a tip-toed retreat

Flees from an unwelcome invader

Of alleged enormous size

Occupying prime position

Within the wash-stand bowl

She closes the door gently

An entire room now out of bounds

Until the stranded menace is dealt with 

It sits quite still, waiting in the whiteness

Patient, brooding, trapped

Previously the hunter

Now perhaps the hunted

Legs akimbo, mandibles unmoving

Black body segments glistening

Spinnerets suspended

Its sticky silken ropes useless

In this unyielding ceramic prison

Unable to build a ladder

To climb out and live another day 

Kill it! Kill it! she cries from behind the door

Overcome by the irrational fear

Of a species she does not understand

Do not let it get away and hide somewhere

To emerge beside me when I am not looking! 

I pity this useful household predator

This insect-eating carnivore

I catch it quickly in a glass

Causing an instant reaction

The sudden vibration detected

Its eight legs scrambling at full speed

Before I let it disappear, unharmed

Beneath the skirting 

I make noises with the window-catch

And tell her that I threw it out

Announcing the threat to be defused

The area swept, secured and checked

No further need for nightmares

Another arachnid Armageddon avoided

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 20

Curry - Chicken Thariwala

This is a belter of a curry recipe.  The more fresh coriander the better!

Recipe for: CURRY – THARIWALA CHICKEN 

Ingredients: 

• 2 tblsp sunflower oil
• 2 tsp cumin seeds
• 1 large onion, finely chopped
• 1 clove garlic, finely chopped
• 225g tin tomatoes, whizzed in blender until smooth
• 2 tsp fresh ginger, grated
• 2 green chillies, finely chopped, seeds & all
• 1½ tsp salt
• 1 tsp ground turmeric
• 2 tsp garam masala
• 2 handfuls fresh coriander, chopped
• 4 chicken thighs, skinned

Method: 

1. heat oil in large pan, add cumin seeds and, when they begin to sizzle, add the onion & garlic, and fry until golden brown
2. remove from the heat & add the tomato, ginger, chillies, salt, turmeric, garam masala and half the coriander
3. cook, stirring frequently, over a low heat until the mixture becomes shiny and the oil separates out (this is very important)
4. add the chicken & stir-fry in the sauce for a few minutes
5. add boiling water to just cover, bring to the boil, then lower the heat & simmer, covered, for 20 minutes or until cooked through
6. remove the lid, raise the heat & thicken the sauce for five minutes
7. stir in the rest of the coriander & serve

What else you need to know: 

1. any meat will do well in this recipe

Fastidiousness

Crack

Her hesitation is palpable

A mid-air suspension

Of the lifting action

Towards the waiting lips

To allow for careful observation

And eye-screwed scrutiny

Of the faintest, finest mark

Detected upon the rim

The perimeter of porcelain

At the very edge of her Darjeeling 

The thinnest line of grey

That may portend a careless hair

Or a deeper hairline crack

Starting from the cup’s lip

Almost hidden on the inside

Descending deep into the liquid 

A delicate indicator

Of dirt, or perhaps disease

Harbouring germs beneath

Upon or within the glaze

Of the whitened surface 

An earlier accident

Or someone’s carelessness

Cannot be determined

But is now the cause

Of her faint distaste

And this holding moment

That prevents the slightest sip

And sees the china cup

Quietly returned to its saucer

And the tea left un-drunk

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012

It's The Little Things In Life

The Woman In The Red Car

That bloody woman

She’s sitting there again

Got here before me

And parked in my space

Forcing me to move elsewhere

And park my car in a different place

Which disturbs my daily routine

And puts me out for the rest of the day 

That bloody woman

With her awful blood-red car

Sporting its tatty roof-rack

And child-seat in the back

Its dirty windows and an ugly scrape on the side

She can see the other spaces in this car-park

But none are so convenient 

That bloody woman

Who never speaks to anyone

Just sits there reading her book

Waiting for the store to open

I know because I’ve watched her

I think she does it deliberately

Just to annoy me

But she cannot be oblivious to my feelings 

That bloody woman

I don’t know how she manages to do it

She must get up extremely early

Just to beat me

It never used to happen

Then just once or twice

And now it’s all the time

She’s always there

That bloody woman

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012

Thriving on neglect

Cactus

I’ve never understood you

Or known what you might want

You just sit there year after year, implacably the same

Never growing or shrinking

Your pale green flesh all sheeny shiny

Bristling with hairs and spikes

A defensive exterior

Always showing to the world 

But do you have a tender side to your prickly nature?

Is there a more succulent inner plant

That is cool and moist, sweet and gentle

Wet and watery

That you only reveal to closest friends? 

I don’t know how to love you

When you just stare straight back at me

No signal of your feelings, nor flower of happiness

You give me so little response

That I often wonder

What it is it you’re waiting for 

To me, you seem so undemanding

As if you do not even need me

I cannot comprehend your desires

Sitting in your arid pot and saucer

Happy in your desert dryness

Thriving on my neglect

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012

A Doll's House

A Doll’s House

Observe the fine detail

Of this perfect, tiny, tidy world

Where everything sits in rightful place

Sitting silently

Waiting for someone to call

To come and play

To breathe life-force and action

Into this dead world 

See how carefully the maker has toiled

How exactly his model replicates reality

With its inter-connected rooms

Its attics, basements and cellars

Its doors and its floors

Its halls and its walls

And a side that opens to the world

Revealing to wider inspection

So that anyone may peer inside

And, with a genial God-like presence

Watch the goings-on

Of this toy-land territory

Made in matchless miniature 

Look how finely-wrought the furniture

The kitchen’s pixie pots and pans

Real carpets and silver cutlery

And notice how small the figures

Lifeless little people

Tiny tokens of a household

Scaled-down and smaller than any doll

But still too large to be in right proportion

To the rest of their wooden world 

How beautiful, how ideal it all appears

And yet how quiet, dusty and dormant

And how empty this small world is

Undisturbed by cries of living children

A shining showpiece

That is a house and yet not a home

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012