News From Bromham - Dateline Sunday 2nd February 2014

Bulletin From Bromham: Dateline – Sunday 2^nd February 2014

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Bromham:

1.       The Parish Council is reporting that the village is at serious risk of drought in the coming Summer months.  Accordingly, an immediate hosepipe ban has been introduced, and other water-saving measures put into force.  Speaking from beneath an umbrella in the teeth of driving rain, and sporting wellington boots in order to wade through flood water in the High Street, Dave Wentwrong (leader of the Parish Council) claimed that we really needed to think ahead.  At this point his interview was cut short so that he could get out of the way of a motorboat making its way to rescue flood-marooned householders.

2.       The Education Committee Chairman, Michael “Fingers” Glove, has announced that the Parish’s schools are to return to older educational standards.  Starting next week, all new technology will be removed from schools, and pupils will be issued with personal blackboards and chalk.  Regular thrashings will be carried out by teachers, together with a tough regime of starvation and punishment.  Pupils will be expected to attend classes wearing smocks, threadbare leggings and shoes with holes in them.

3.       For details of these and all other Bromham stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station Carrot FM.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Comfort Zone

Comfort Zone

She always said there was a simple choice

To be made each day

When waking out of easy sleep

Heavy dreams untroubled

By prickles of anxiety

To lie in tangled bedclothes

Lazy with the feeling that all is well

Comfortable with easy thoughts

About the well-worn path of the day ahead

Merely coasting

Through the normal routines

Along the daily groove of habit

And the same old, same old

But she said there was another way -

The spirit of adventure

To step outside oneself

And take the plunge

Without anticipation

By diving into the hard, cold water

Of novelty, of originality

And face up to something scary

The uneasy feeling of standing near the edge

The fierce wind blasting from below

A rising fear of danger

Nerves taut and jangling

With the sheer exhilaration

Of knowing that we’re really alive

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Masquerade

Masquerade

We may all be strangers here

But one can never know

The depths of dissimulation

A hint of assignation

The facial features behind the masks

The true expressions

The subtle nuance

The slight inflexions

Which may imply

A hidden meaning

To detect something real

Betrayed by flashing eyes

A curling of the lip

A movement of the mouth

Concealing private coldness

While expressing something warmer

In this all-too-public fancy dress

A costumed charade

A pretence of better feelings

But secrets held within

This phoney masquerade

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Elizabeth

Elizabeth

She walks and talks at the same time

usually muttering to herself

or shouting her opinions

at anyone who cares to listen

Her shambling gait

and aimless wandering

daily through the precinct

an habitual routine

a normal fixture

and commuter landmark

for regular travellers

Dirty and dishevelled

unkempt and unwashed

her florid face still lit with a smile

remnant of a faded beauty

Swaddled now in layers of clothing

thick coat and floppy hat

cardigans and jumpers

skirts and tights

gloved hands and fingers

gripping, grasping tightly

the string-crossed bags

which she carries with her

wherever she goes

She asks for nothing

demanding only time to listen

never seeking shelter

but slides off somewhere every night

living by her own her lights

by her logic and on her wits

A modern crazy lady

seemingly not unhappy

but sometimes over-loud

creating an awkward nuisance

which passers-by would ignore

if only she did not make them feel

so much more uncomfortable

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

High Wire

High Wire

To step out into the void

The wire shivering as it takes the strain

Of my weight upon it

Is to walk into an unknown

An empty darkness

The first few paces of the downward stretch

Towards the disappearing centre

High above the watchers

Who hold their breath

Their eyes pinned upon my every tremble

Until I establish balance

An equilibrium of mind and body

The deadly drop beneath

My out-stretched arms

Fingers tautly pointing

With limbered legs

And the distance to the Earth

Are of no immediate concern

Nor any aid to concentration

The only point of focus

Being one foot in front of another

Eyes upon the destination

Crowds and lights both disappear

Into a faded emptiness

Below my fragile body

As it seems to float along the rope

Blood pumping in my ears

The silence of air

The clarity of perfect quiet

Alone above the world

Determined not to tumble

Into the arms of death below

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Tooth

Tooth

You hurt me so much

And made my life a misery

With your endless nagging,

Complaining and worrying,

Your feelings for me hot and cold

And though I tried to ignore you

You were always there in the background

A constant presence

A biting pain

That would not go away

In the end I couldn’t stand the pressure

That you placed upon me

The way you made my nerves tingle

The decay in our relationship

So I made up my mind

That life was far too short

For me not to be as happy

As everyone else

And that we just could not go on

Living together any more

And I went and took advice

From a professional

Who got to the root of the problem

And laid out all my options

And after I’d chewed the matter over

It was my own decision

To make a complete break with you -

I knew that we must be parted

It was the kindest thing to do

In the circumstances

I cannot deny

That it was painful at the time

And I felt a certain numbness

About your sudden going

You left a very big hole in my life

But time has a way of healing

And I’m feeling so much better now

So I’m sure it was the right decision

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Franken-Furter

Franken-Furter (the monster of modern Frankenstein food)

What end is there to man’s ingenuity?

His ability, when he’s in the mood,

To engineer our daily intake,

And bugger about with our food.

You’ve just got to read a few labels,

Although the print’s incredibly small,

To discover what it is they’re up to,

And find out how they’re conning us all.

Don’t get me started on sausages:

They use lots of the skin, sinew and some bristle,

Rusk, knuckle, a blizzard of gizzard,

And then add in plenty of gristle.

From slurry, and factory-floor sweepings,

And bits left over I’ve discovered,

“Chopped and shaped”, and certain “selected cuts”,

And also “mechanically-recovered”.

Then to make it frozen, or microwaveable,

You’d be surprised at what they have to do:

Colourings, flavourings and texturings,

With modified starch and other bits of goo.

Then they add extra sugar and some salt,

Followed by several e-numbers,

Preservatives and acidity agents,

And God knows what they’ve done to cucumbers.

There’s modifiers and regulators,

Emulsifiers and some thickeners,

Stabilisers and other weird stuff -

It’s a wonder it don’t sicken us!

They hide the grams of saturated fat -

They don’t like their product to look flaccid,

So they pump in fructose and glucose syrup,

Topped up by di-glycerides of fatty acid.

Glazing agents and flavour enhancers,

All the things that we’re supposed to hate:

Add a dash of something not natural,

Plus monosodium glutamate.

It all goes in to our processed foods,

Not just Cheesy Wotsits and Turkey Twizzlers,

But chicken nuggets, and ready dinners,

Pizzas, pies and those meaty sizzlers.

But they make it sound so attractive:

Branding family members sounds less messy:

John West, Mother’s Pride and Daddie’s Sauce,

Then there’s Uncle Ben and Auntie Bessie!

                                   

These packagers have a lot to answer for:

Food scientists mucking about with our cheese,

Selling heart-attacks on a plate,

Hiding the grease and making us highly obese.

Never mind the Scots loving fried Mars Bars,

Or cream teas, chocolate or late-night kebab,

They’re pumping too much gunk into our food,

And slowly turning us all into flab.

So we’ve all got to wise up a bit,

About calories and carbs – it’s not too late -

Just look out for their “serving suggestions”,

And avoid anything “made from concentrate”.

Avoid chicken masala-type pizza,

Don’t eat Dogburgers, unless you’re bent,

And look out for the magic words on labels:

“Beware: May Contain Nourishment”.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014