Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 27th August 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 27^th August 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      A woman who threatened to resign from the Town Council in 1969, has finally carried out her threat.  Council officials are said to be not only surprised and shocked, but also absolutely delighted.  Following over fifty years of delay, this now paves the way for a Council by-election.  Several candidates who had been lined up by her party to succeed her have since ruled themselves out of the running, but even more of them have simply lost interest in politics or died. 

2.      And a former politician has been taken into custody, and charged with impersonating an orange.  He asked for several other offences to be taken into account, including being lemon-faced, slipping on a banana-skin, blowing raspberries at the authorities, talking absolute rhubarb, looking like a right melon and straining his plums in public.  But where can a mango when he’s such a fruit-cake? 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 20th August 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 20^th August 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Police have been called after it was discovered that the Wiltshire Museum in Long Street has suffered a large number of unexplained losses.  Initial investigations revealed that 90% of the museum’s artefact collection has never been photographed or catalogued, that curator staff have not been security-checked, and that there are no guards or alarms on the buildings.  Police pronounced themselves “utterly baffled” how such a large-scale crime could be committed under such circumstances.  Other local crimes, including cases of defecation on the woods, and establishing the exact religion of the Pope, also remain unsolved. 

2.      And the world of sport is in total turmoil this morning after it was discovered that, contrary to popular belief, women and ladies and girls of a female persuasion, can actually play ball games.  Apparently all forms of sport are actually possible for them, including cricket and football.  It is hoped that in future years, anyone wearing a bra and possessing a womb, will be able to register to play sports.  Competitions, leagues, and even World Cups may be organised.  It is not known if anyone would pay to watch any such shenanigans.  So watch this space in case any kind of girlie games are ever staged. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 13th August 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 13^th August 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Police in the town are investigating a possible case of arson and insurance fraud after the only properly-built house in D-Town was burnt to the ground & subsequently bulldozed into a pile of rubble.  The house on the High Street stood out, and was featured in postcards and magazine supplements, because it was perfectly level, properly proportioned, and had rooms with 90-degree corners.  This is in contrast to other properties in the town which are leaning, wonky, and give the impression of having been thrown together by teams of cowboy builders, from Norman times, through the medieval period, right up to the modern era of Barratt, Persimmon and Bellway. 

2.      The two men who were last week forced to take up residence in a narrowboat moored on the K&A canal at The Wharf, were this week forced to return to shore.  It had been found that conditions aboard were far too healthy & salubrious for drop-outs to occupy.  Also the legionnaire who was already living there had objected to sharing his boat.  It is expected that next week the two men will be forced to live aboard a different vessel, before being forced the week after that to go and live somewhere else altogether. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 23rd July 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 23^rd July 2023

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Queues formed around several blocks in the town last night as people tried to gain access to the opening night of the long-awaited film “Barbenheimer”.  The film tells the story of how a scientist who identified as a female doll, and dressed all in pink, made the discovery that would threaten the peace of the free world.  Accompanied by his/her/their boy/girlfriend Ken, Professor Barbie wears a rather fetching little hat and stares meaningfully into the camera as a CGI-generated atomic explosion takes place behind him.  Drinks, crisps and pipcorn are expected to be in short supply throughout the run. 

2.      Meanwhile, in political circles, new hope was born this week.  In by-elections elsewhere in the country, both Labour and the Liberals over-turned massive previous Tory majorities to take parliamentary seats.  As it has now been proved conclusively that even safe seats, such as D-Town (where people will vote Tory even if the candidate is a slowly-cooling pile of shit, topped with a blue flag), can be won after all, there will be a new spring in the step of constituency hopefuls. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 11th June 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 11^th June 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The ex-mayor, having been found guilty by the Privileges Committee of gross misconduct by running over little old ladies and eating kittens in public, has continued to deny any wrong-doing, saying that he has been forced out of the Council Chamber by people who are simply a little over-squeamish. 

2.      And sports fans throughout the town have been celebrating the news that walking football over-70’s team D-Town Academicals have done the sextuple in one campaign season – winners of the Alzheimer’s League (North-Western Division), winners of the FA (Fuck All) Cup, winners of the Werthers’ Originals Trophy, winners of Crumblies’ Cup, winners of the Pringles BBQ Flavour all-comers cup (unopposed), winners of Anusol Ring Of Fire competition, and winners of the Cup-Winners’ Cup Cup Cup. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 23rd April 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 23^rd April 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Disappointment was the keynote this week as D-Town’s Inter-stellar Mission (DIM) got off to a bad start when the test-firing of the town’s largest and most powerful ever rocket ended with an explosion only two minutes after take-off.  This event was described by a spokesman as “a rapid and unscheduled disassembly”, and warned journalists to “never mistake a trial for failure”.  Taking a leaf out of the Circumlocution Handbook For Beginners, the Highways Agency has reclassified the town’s deep and treacherous potholes as “unrepaired variations in the smooth road surface”.  The police, struggling with a high number of incidents involving feral youths, have described the crime-wave as an “unapprehended number of unsupervised anti-social incidents”.  And The Crammer, D-Town’s famous duck-pond, reputed home of the original Moonrakers, has been re-labelled as “an uncharted expanse of harmless liquid supporting several species of edible wildlife”. 

2.      And the world of local politics suffered another blow this week when the Deputy Mayor, Ivor Roughshod-Manner, was forced to resign after the publication of a damning report which named him as a bully of the worst sort.  He was said to have taken some councillor oiks round to the back of the Council back-sheds and given them a jolly good telling-off.  A new Council bully is expected to be appointed in the coming days. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 16th April 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 16^th April 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Security forces were on full alert in D-Town this week as the International Airport was cordoned off to allow the plane of the Head of the International Masons (HIM) to land safely.   He was accompanied by the Head of External Relations (HER) and the Secretary for Online Nations (SON).  He was visiting The Vize in order to trace his long-lost relations from the Twelve-toed Estate in order to claim his thuggish heritage.  Standing on the steps of the aircraft on a windy, rainy day, he made several irrelevant remarks about Council Estates, before disappearing down the road to the Badlands of Melksham. 

2.      And the town was in mourning this week as it was announced that, regrettably, the son of the man being installed as mayor next month won’t be able to bring his awful wife with him to the ceremony.  It is thought that the youngster fears not being able to sufficiently draw attention to himself and his pitiful grievances because all eyes will be focused on his father instead.  However, he is hopeful that by giving away free copies of his pity memoir “Square”, he may enlist some sympathy for his cause.  His wife is also thought to be distraught that her ground-breaking sponsorship of Tupperware products might be compromised. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023