Waterworld

Waterworld

Apparently the weather’s been dreadful,

But precipitation is heaven-sent,

And now the suburbs are complaining,

The effluent is hitting the affluent.

Last time we heard, you were moaning of drought.

And you cried out at the hosepipe ban.

Well now there’s really plenty of water,

And sewage is coming up through the pan.

Seems that you citizens are never happy,

And some are complaining like devils,

Even those in the “South-Western Lakeland”,

Formerly known as the Somerset Levels.

But we in Government take this to heart.

Of the situation we are the kings -

Every problem’s an opportunity,

So we’re going to make the best of things.

There’s no point fighting the force of the water,

Insurance Companies won’t make things better,

There’s no money for barriers or dredging,

Let’s just accept that we’re gonna be wetter.

This Act of God, may be a bit of a sod,

But let’s take advantage of this new flood,

Think of all the things we could be doing,

By turning misfortune into some good.

With roads under water, we’ll need less cars,

Which will stop them producing pollution,

There may be a monsoon, come every June,

You see every problem has a solution.

Traffic jams will be a thing of the past,

Swathes of the country returned to a calm,

And instead of our old agriculture,

We’ll turn Maidenhead into a fish-farm.

There’ll be a boost to the makers of wellies,

For everyone will want to stay sealed,

As they wade out from their homes in the morning,

To their work in the Windsor paddy-field,

There’s a lot you can do, if you’ve got a canoe:

The whole Thames Valley can be a water-park -

We’ll have paddle-steamers, and catamarans

Yachting, water-ski-ing, and live on an Ark.

Have a year-round Oxford-Cambridge boat-race,

When we have it, does it really matter?

The sport of rowing, will soon be growing,

And a monthly Henley Regatta.

This new natural wetland will be great,

Visitors will arrive in their hoards -

They’ll all get merry, whilst using the ferry,

Sailing right round the new Berkshire Broads.

But don’t think we won’t be vigilant,

Those chaps over in Planning aren’t fools –

We know that people with flooded cellars,

Are using them as indoor swimming pools.

But the middle class won’t be neglected:

No need for them to turn up their nose,

Cause we’ve made emergency provision,

To sell designer sand-bags in Waitrose.

So don’t be down-hearted, dear voters,

Though you’re standing in water up to your chest,

Let’s be emphatic, that the new life aquatic,

Is probably going to be for the best.

Let’s respond in true British spirit,

And embrace this new change in the weather,

Don’t get annoyed, by the risk of some typhoid:

Remember – we’re all in this together!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014