Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 26th March 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 26^th March 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      D-Town looked on with something approaching a Gallic shrug as they observed their cheese-eating surrender monkey cousins in Trowvegas  getting somewhat antsi over proposals to make them contribute anything towards their pensions.  After three days of rioting, arson, looting and anti-social behaviour, almost fifteen pounds-worth of damage had been caused.  As a result of warnings from the DSS (D-Town Special Services), the planned visit by the chap from the Big House on the hill with his wife to the local branch of Tesco was postponed.  Concerns were expressed as to how it would look if the couple were to be seen to be shopping normally, when the ordinary people of Trowvegas couldn’t even afford a packet of Pringles. 

2.      A report into the conduct of PLOD (Police of D-Town) has concluded that the force is institutionally lazy, incompetent & totally cloth-eared.  The report was met with a massive wave of apathy, and has been filed alongside previous reports into Bear Defecation in Forested Areas and the Catholic Tendencies of Popes. 

3.      And yet again, the streets are clogged by people taken completely unawares by the advent of British Summer Time, unable to cope with the massive behavioural changes required for the act of putting the clocks forward by an hour. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 19th March 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 19^th March 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      In a rough week for financial institutions, rescue packages have had to be mounted by the D-Town Underwriting Main Bank (DUMB) for both the Silicon Shortcut Bank, and Credit Melksham.  Both banks had over-extended themselves in recent months by providing unsecured loans to unreliable borrowers, such as politicians, estate agents, octopus farmers based on the canal, and other ne’er-do-wells. 

2.      Meanwhile an Arrest Warrant has been issued by D-Town’s International Criminal Kremlin (DICK) in the name of Vlad The Bad, head of the break-away Trowvegas Western Anarchist Tribune (TWAT) for crimes against humanity.  He is accused, amongst other things, of raiding milk floats in the infamous Beanacre  Valley, and substituting lethal full-fat milk in place of healthy semi-skimmed.  The brave local resistance fighters have asked West Wiltshire for more armour-plated milk-floats and WMD (Weapons of Mass Dairy) products. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 12th March 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 12^th March 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The row over free speech continues at the DBC (D-Town Broadcasting Corporation) as the organisation seeks to draw a line under the recent activities of its presenters, who have been tweeting negative comments about our Illustrious Leaders in the Town Clowncil.  One of its top presenters, Hairy Spinnaker, ex-international bladder-kicker and packeted-snack purveyor, has been suspended from appearing on screen.  As a mark of solidarity , his co-presenters, Ian Wrong and Alan Sheepshagger, have declined to appear by shouting “I am Spinnakus!” and “No – I am Spinnakus!”.  Meanwhile the public were treated to displays of wildflowers in bloom and the test-card in place of the advertised sports programme, leading viewers to comment on how that had been a considerable improvement on previous editions of the programme. 

2.      And in bad news for the whole region, it has been announced by central Government that HS2, which was never planned to come anywhere near the West Country, will still not be coming to the West Country.  In order to save money on the scheme the original planned date of “never” will be extended “definitely never” and, as some local councillors still fear, that may mean “absolutely, definitively, you-really-don’t-get-it-do-you, bloody never”. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 5th March 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 5^th March 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      A drag-net search, involving over 200 police officers, has been launched to try and find Matt Handoncock’s principles.  They have not been seen since Covid lockdown on 2020.  Police are now said to be “very concerned” that the principles may have come to serious harm after prolonged exposure to the truth, fact-checking and reality.  Given the length of time since they were last seen, a very negative outcome is now anticipated. 

2.      And in diplomatic news, D-Town has finally signed an agreement with Wiltshire Council.  The “Wiltshire Accord” agrees to do all the things that we were supposed to have agreed to do in the original Wexit deal.  The apparently “oven-ready” previous deal was a rather under-cooked bird, oozing with blood and oozing its stuffing into daily life.  Named after a famous 1950’s motor car, the Wiltshire Accord promises to finally nail a golden stake through the heart of the apparently un-killable, blood-sucking ghoul of independence, and “getting the job done”.  Again. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023