Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 23rd April 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 23^rd April 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Disappointment was the keynote this week as D-Town’s Inter-stellar Mission (DIM) got off to a bad start when the test-firing of the town’s largest and most powerful ever rocket ended with an explosion only two minutes after take-off.  This event was described by a spokesman as “a rapid and unscheduled disassembly”, and warned journalists to “never mistake a trial for failure”.  Taking a leaf out of the Circumlocution Handbook For Beginners, the Highways Agency has reclassified the town’s deep and treacherous potholes as “unrepaired variations in the smooth road surface”.  The police, struggling with a high number of incidents involving feral youths, have described the crime-wave as an “unapprehended number of unsupervised anti-social incidents”.  And The Crammer, D-Town’s famous duck-pond, reputed home of the original Moonrakers, has been re-labelled as “an uncharted expanse of harmless liquid supporting several species of edible wildlife”. 

2.      And the world of local politics suffered another blow this week when the Deputy Mayor, Ivor Roughshod-Manner, was forced to resign after the publication of a damning report which named him as a bully of the worst sort.  He was said to have taken some councillor oiks round to the back of the Council back-sheds and given them a jolly good telling-off.  A new Council bully is expected to be appointed in the coming days. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 16th April 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 16^th April 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Security forces were on full alert in D-Town this week as the International Airport was cordoned off to allow the plane of the Head of the International Masons (HIM) to land safely.   He was accompanied by the Head of External Relations (HER) and the Secretary for Online Nations (SON).  He was visiting The Vize in order to trace his long-lost relations from the Twelve-toed Estate in order to claim his thuggish heritage.  Standing on the steps of the aircraft on a windy, rainy day, he made several irrelevant remarks about Council Estates, before disappearing down the road to the Badlands of Melksham. 

2.      And the town was in mourning this week as it was announced that, regrettably, the son of the man being installed as mayor next month won’t be able to bring his awful wife with him to the ceremony.  It is thought that the youngster fears not being able to sufficiently draw attention to himself and his pitiful grievances because all eyes will be focused on his father instead.  However, he is hopeful that by giving away free copies of his pity memoir “Square”, he may enlist some sympathy for his cause.  His wife is also thought to be distraught that her ground-breaking sponsorship of Tupperware products might be compromised. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 9th April 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 9^th April 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      As Easter rolls by, yet another religious flashpoint has erupted.  Hundreds of party-goers have barricaded themselves into the Corny Bin Night-club, where they demanded the right to worship at the shrine of Stella Artois, whilst armed bouncers try to get them out.  This comes at the high point of the early drinking season, when certain pubs which are held as holy by at least three different party tribes in The Vize.  The D-Town Airforce has also been scrambled in response to attacks from TrowVegan separatists in the West.  Milk floats have been set alight, and the 49 bus has twice been re-routed (Sunday services not affected). 

2.      And, in a completely expected development, an orange-coloured has-been politician has been arrested outside the Town Hall.  Almost seven supporters gathered to protest the arrest, and also to demand that the Clowncil should spend more money on filling pot-holes in local roads.  The orange man protested his innocence, but promised to look into funding for road repairs.  No roads were harmed in the making of this protest. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Stormy Daniels

Stormy Daniels (with apologies to Etta James)

Don't know why

There's no sun up in the sky

Stormy Daniels

Since Donald and I ain't together

Keeps raining all of the time

Oh, yeah

 

Life is bad

Gloom and misery everywhere

Stormy Daniels, Stormy Daniels

And I just can get my poor self together

Oh, I'm weary all of the time

The time, so weary all of the time

 

When he went away

The blues walked in and met him

Oh, yeah if he stays away

Old NYC’s gonna get him

All I do is pray

The Lord will let me

Walk in the sun once more

Oh, I can't go on, can't go on, can't go on

Everything I have is gone

Stormy Daniels, Stormy Daniels

 

Since Donald and I, me and my daddy ain't together

Keeps raining all of the time

Oh, oh, keeps raining all of the time

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah raining all of the time

Stormy Stormy

Stormy Daniels

Yeah

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 2nd April 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 2^nd April 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      D-Town’s Utility General Holdings (UGH) have finally admitted that they have been discharging raw sewage into the K&A canal.  Apparently they had been doing this for several years without anybody actually noticing, so they hadn’t thought it was even worth mentioning.  It was only when several swans were brought in suffering from bad coughs, together with ducks with shit-stains, and sea-gulls stained a lovely shade of brown. 

2.      D-Town shopkeepers have welcomed recent moves in Artificial Intelligence (AI) as they feel it will assist their customers.  Far from calling for research in AI to be halted the DCC (D-Town Chamber of Commerce) have actually called for the development of greater intelligence.  In new trials, customers will be assisted by a ShopBot in order to buy more than one article at a time (e.g. Pringles, chewing-gum, Lottery scratch-cards and twenty fags), take the basket to the counter and actually pay for the articles.  Over the next year ShopBots are expected to almost completely replace the use of small children in this role. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023