Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 28th April 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 28^th April 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Finally, after many weeks of “Council ping-pong”, civic tennis, and corporate croquet, a local by-law was passed which will allow people arrested for drunk and disorderly offences in the Market Place to be loaded onto the last 49 service of the night to Swindon.  A bus company has now been found that is prepared to run the service, and huge amounts of “finance” (aka slush money) have been paid to Swindon council to allow the transfers to take place.  The whole issue was held up for several months when the local judiciary declared that Swindon was “not a safe place”.  Whilst this has always been self-evidently true, and no-one would ever voluntarily want to go to Swindon, for the purposes of the new by-law, Swindon has now been declared to be a land flowing with milk and honey. 

2.    And howls of protest have been issued by D-Town FC, and some of the even lower-league local clubs, to the news from the FA that in future there will be no replays in the First Round of the FA Cup proper.  Whilst none of the affected clubs have ever reached that far in the entire history of the competition, it was felt that an important principle was at stake.  Memories were evoked of the famous 6^th qualifying round of 1897 when TrowVegas Tremblers were held to a 0-0 draw by local favourites Caen Hill Casuals.  These two amateur sides then spent over six months and 15 replays to finally decide the tie, Caen Hill finally emerging victorious.  In the next much-delayed 7^th qualifying round, they were then defeated 36-0 by a bunch of blokes from The King’s Arms in Poulshot. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 14th April 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 14^th April 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Citizens of D-Town have had a monumental week, and have been forced to stand back in awe to admire the mighty force of Nature in action.  On Wednesday crowds gathered to marvel at the spectacle of the single-decker town bus being completely eclipsed by the double-deck 49 as it passed through town in its transit towards TrowVegas.  Not until 2037 is this perfect alignment of the two services on London Road bridge expected to occur again.  As if this were not enough, on Thursday another phenomenon occurred.  The continuously smoking pile of rubbish that is the town dump began emitting almost perfect smoke circles.  Accompanied by coughing tip workers, and clouds of choking fumes, the rings were seen to ascend high into the air above Etchilhampton, before dissipating themselves into the atmosphere. 

2.    And a man from The Vize has claimed to be the first idiot to run the entire length of the A342.  After arriving at the end of the road near Salisbury Plain, the man (named Luke Leaner) claimed to be “a bit tired”, and that he had been inspired to do something so difficult, and yet pointless, by the sight of the D-Town Council leader being interviewed whilst wearing a pair of expensive Adidas Samba trainers.  “Anything that man can do to destroy the credibility of the brand, I can do much better,” he claimed.  He was later arrested by police and charged with “loitering near a pedestrian crossing with the intention to cross road”. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024