Fish & Chips

Fish & Chips

Stranded in a strange city recently whilst working away on business, I was staying at a local B&B. 

As there was no dinner on offer, and finding that my hunger pangs were starting, I set out in search of some fish & chips.  I really fancied some fish and chips.

I couldn’t wait to smell the hot fat, to see the glistening golden batter, to eat the mushy peas, the whole lot drowned in salt and vinegar.  My mouth watered in anticipation.

My appetite thus whetted, I set off into the night to seek my quarry. 

The trouble was I’d no idea where to go, as I wandered onto the nearby High Street. 

I decided to stop and ask directions of a man just passing by.  He looked like a local.

“Excuse me,’ I said.  “Are you a local?  Do you know the area?”

“Yes,” he said.  “Are you lost?”

“Not exactly,” I said.  “I’m looking for a fish & chip shop.  I really fancy some fish & chips.”

“No problem,” he replied.  “I can tell you exactly where to go.”

The directions he gave me were as follows:

-        Straight along here for 50 yards.  Go past Chick-O-Land, The Chicken Box and KFC

-        Turn left by Tennessee Chicken.  There’s a branch of Cluck-It on the opposite corner

-        Go past King Chicken, Chunky Chicken and USA Fried Chicken, but not quite as far as Chicken Ranch

-        Hang a right turn.  You’ll see Mister Chicken, Favourite Fried Chicken and Dixie Chicken on your left

-        And New York Chicken, Chick-O-Lite and Chick-O-Land will be on your right

-        Carry on along there for 100 yards or so till you reach Chicken Cottage

-        Turn left at Sam’s Chicken, past Chicken House and Best Fried Chicken

-        Until you see Mother Clucker and Coq Fighter

-        Now this is the only tricky bit – ignore Krunchy Fried Chicken and Lulu’s Chicken

-        And keep to the left of Chicken Shop and Chicken Town

-        Go past Chicken-Fil-A, El Pollo Loco, and Finger-Lickin’ Chicken

-        This’ll bring you out into the Market Place.  So you’ll see branches of Chickin-Lickin, Chicken Dippers, Land-O-Chicken, Wing Stop, Thunderbird, Red Rooster, and World-O-Chicken

-        Cross over into the far corner between Church’s Chicken and Chick-Chick-Chicken

-        And it’s down that road – you can’t miss it!

I thanked him for his help, turned my collar against the wind, and set off into the night

Finally I reached my destination and in the distance I could see the illuminated sign – “In Cod We Trust”

I rushed into the shop, tired and hungry after my trek, looking forward to my meal

“Large cod, chips and mushy peas, please!” I cried in exhaustion and relief.

The rotund gentlemen behind the counter, the Fat Frier responded in the negative

“Sorry mate – you’re too late.  I’ve just completely sold out of fish!”

“Oh no!” I ejaculated, the disappointment in my voice as clear as a bear’s intention when entering a wood

“But I’m starving!  And I’ve come all this way!”

“No worries mate,” he responded calmly.  “I can easily fry you some chicken!”

I ran from the shop screaming.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2021

Fish & Chips

Fish & Chips

Stranded in a strange city recently whilst working away on business, I was staying at a local B&B. 

As there was no dinner on offer, and finding that my hunger pangs were starting, I set out in search of some fish & chips.  I really fancied some fish and chips.

I couldn’t wait to smell the hot fat, to see the glistening golden batter, to eat the mushy peas, the whole lot drowned in salt and vinegar.  My mouth watered in anticipation.

My appetite thus whetted, I set off into the night to seek my quarry. 

The trouble was I’d no idea where to go, as I wandered onto the nearby High Street. 

I decided to stop and ask directions of a man just passing by.  He looked like a local.

“Excuse me,’ I said.  “Are you a local?  Do you know the area?”

“Yes,” he said.  “Are you lost?”

“Not exactly,” I said.  “I’m looking for a fish & chip shop.  I really fancy some fish & chips.”

“No problem,” he replied.  “I can tell you exactly where to go.”

The directions he gave me were as follows:

-        Straight along here for 50 yards.  Go past Chick-O-Land, The Chicken Box and KFC

-        Turn left by Tennessee Chicken.  There’s a branch of Cluck-It on the opposite corner

-        Go past King Chicken, Chunky Chicken and USA Fried Chicken, but not quite as far as Chicken Ranch

-        Hang a right turn.  You’ll see Mister Chicken, Favourite Fried Chicken and Dixie Chicken on your left

-        And New York Chicken, Chick-O-Lite and Chick-O-Land will be on your right

-        Carry on along there for 100 yards or so till you reach Chicken Cottage

-        Turn left at Sam’s Chicken, past Chicken House and Best Fried Chicken

-        Until you see Mother Clucker and Coq Fighter

-        Now this is the only tricky bit – ignore Krunchy Fried Chicken and Lulu’s Chicken

-        And keep to the left of Chicken Shop and Chicken Town

-        Go past Chicken-Fil-A, El Pollo Loco, and Finger-Lickin’ Chicken

-        This’ll bring you out into the Market Place.  So you’ll see branches of Chickin-Lickin, Chicken Dippers, Land-O-Chicken, Wing Stop, Thunderbird, Red Rooster, and World-O-Chicken

-        Cross over into the far corner between Church’s Chicken and Chick-Chick-Chicken

-        And it’s down that road – you can’t miss it!

I thanked him for his help, turned my collar against the wind, and set off into the night

Finally I reached my destination and in the distance I could see the illuminated sign – “In Cod We Trust”

I rushed into the shop, tired and hungry after my trek, looking forward to my meal

“Large cod, chips and mushy peas, please!” I cried in exhaustion and relief.

The rotund gentlemen behind the counter, the Fat Frier responded in the negative

“Sorry mate – you’re too late.  I’ve just completely sold out of fish!”

“Oh no!” I ejaculated, the disappointment in my voice as clear as a bear’s intention when entering a wood

“But I’m starving!  And I’ve come all this way!”

“No worries mate,” he responded calmly.  “I can easily fry you some chicken!”

I ran from the shop screaming.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2020

A Self-Assembly Apology

A Self-Assembly Apology

There have been rather too many so-called apologies published in the national press lately.  Apart from many of them appearing to be somewhat insincere and self-serving, after a while a lot of them start to sound very much the same.  Therefore, in the interests of efficiency and reusability, here is an apology that you can build yourself from a set of standard components.

These instructions are sponsored by IKEA.

1.      Firstly check that your Apology Pack contains all the components and quantities shown on the enclosed leaflet, and that you have all the requisite personal tools to attempt this Apology.  These include:

o   self-confidence in your position,

o   3mm of unjustified Arrogance and

o   2 pints of Crocodile Tears (not supplied);

2.      Begin by inserting the two standard grovelling paragraphs in the space provided;

3.      Connect these to the Blaming Supply-Chain module in Section 7;

4.      Unscrew Paragraph 2 and insert the thin, grovelling-passage about customer loyalty.  NOTE: Take care not to get these two paragraphs confused;

5.      Remove paragraph 4 and insert diagonally into the horizontal plane;

6.      Slot Justification A into Apology G, and Excuse B firmly into the upper part of Explanation J;

7.      Continue to screw the message into your customers until it will not go any further.  Do not over-tighten;

8.      Slide this into the rear of paragraph 9;

9.      Replace all verbs throughout the half-assembled Apology using the packet of patronising adjectives provided (not provided);

10.   Whilst firmly holding up two fingers, grasp the issue by the horns, and with a single deft movement, take the piss out of anyone who does not match up evenly with the statement in paragraph 5;

11.   Add three of the bald-faced Spurious Facts to the Apology.  Ensure that they are fitted underneath the Main Statement, so that they do not show clearly.  If necessary, use an Asterisk (not supplied).  In exceptional cases, use a special Double Asterisk (which are available from specialist punctuation suppliers);

12.   Attach the glossy Government Department Report to section 7, but ensure that it does not interfere with paragraphs 3 & 4;

13.   If required, you may now paint the Apology with a layer of greasy, non-stick Platitude.  Alternatively a simple coat of oily Disingenuity may be preferred;

14.   Finally, stand the Apology upright to see whether it falls over.  If necessary, adjust the Straight Lie in the top left-hand corner until it balances again;

15.   After this, if the Apology does not work properly, please return it with all the packaging to the over-rated Ad Agency you bought it from.  Your statutory rights are not affected.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2019

Man Wanted For Questioning

Man Wanted For Questioning

Police this morning took the unusual step of issuing a detailed description of a man they wish to interview in connection with a wide range of serious offences.

The suspect is described as being of below average height, and of stout build, bordering on the obese.  He bears a great deal of facial hair, white in colour, consisting of moustache, full whiskers and a long flowing beard.  This may have the effect of partially disguising his facial features, which are said to consist of:

·        Twinkling, sparkly eyes;

·        Glowing, almost red, nose and a

·        Jovial grin, showing white teeth;

He is known to dress in a very recognisable outfit, which may include:

·        A bright red, two-piece suit, trimmed with white fur;

·        A matching red hat, also white-trimmed, tapering to a point with a white pom-pom;

·        A pair of black snow-boots, with trousers tucked in;

·        Black leather belt, tightly cinched at the waist;

·        A pair of wire-framed spectacles;

·        A bulging sack, carried over the left shoulder.

He is often seen wearing a broad grin, and is reported to frequently utter such phrases as “Ho, ho, ho!”, “Have you been good this year?” and “What can I do for you little girl?”

The suspect is wanted in virtually every country in the world.  Interpol have revealed that he is a global criminal, and uses many aliases and different identities to avoid detection and capture.  These include:

·        Kris Kringle

·        Santa Claus

·        Saint Nicholas

·        Father Christmas

·        and Sinterklaas

He is thought to be of North Pole extraction, although his exact nationality is not known.  He has been reported to travel without a passport, crossing international frontiers undetected and with complete impunity.  His criminal associates include:

·        reputed “magic” elves, but also

·        pixies and

·        dwarves

He travels worldwide, using a high-speed sleigh (registration mark unknown), propelled by a number of reindeer, who go by such names as Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet and Cupid, although these too are thought to be mere aliases.

Inspector Foot, of The Yard, stated:  “this is a very dangerous man, and he should not be approached by members of the general public.  Any sightings should be reported directly to the police, who will deal with the matter.  He is wanted in connection with a variety of crimes including:

·        paedophilia – he has been observed “grooming” small children, by offering them sweets and small presents, encouraging them in close, intimate contact by sitting them on his knee, inviting them to put their hands into his “sack” to pull out a goody, and by visiting them in schools, hospitals and children’s parties.  Through his so-called “charity” work, he has been given unfettered access to the bedrooms of small, sleeping children, where he has been free to carry on his sickening activities in comparative secrecy;

·        housebreaking and burglary – he has been reported entering a wide range of private houses without permission from the householder.  His specialism, and trade-mark, is in forcing an entrance by way of the chimney to the property;

·        fraud and deception – goods and services have been ordered from him, which have either never been delivered at all, or have been delivered in a different specification to that required.  When customers have attempted to contact this Mr Claus, no phone-number or business address has been discovered.  Mail sent to Mr Claus at The North Pole has been returned unopened;

·        Health & Safety and Industrial Relations violations – his workshops near the North Pole have been discovered to exploit elvic workers by paying less than the minimum wage, by denying rest-breaks to elves, and by operating these workshops under sweatshop conditions during certain seasons of the year, especially September to December, then laying workers off without pay in the January period;

·        Animal cruelty – his nine reindeer are reported to have been driven around the globe for long periods without a rest, pulling extremely heavy loads through appalling weather conditions;

Inspector Foot added:  “we would very much like to talk to this man.  He is known to go to ground for nine or ten months of the year, but usually makes a sudden rush of appearances around the Christmas period, when we are often inundated with sightings.  Our job has been made that much harder by the recent phenomenon of members of the public dressing up in imitation of the suspect.  However, I cannot stress strongly enough that this man is not a charming, quaint, folk-lore hero.  He is a vicious international criminal intent on spreading his particular blend of “tidings of great joy”.

A large reward, consisting of £500 of Comet vouchers, has been offered for any information leading directly to this man’s capture.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

The Ten Golden Rules Of Soap Operas

The Ten Golden Rules Of Soap Opera

Soaps the world over, whether on TV or radio, seem to share some universal rules.  Some of these defy real-world logic, or are counter-intuitive.  To assist you in coping with this nightmare, here are the ten major rules with explanation & illustration.

1.      IF SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN, THE  OPPOSITE THING IS THE MOST LIKELY OUTCOME

a.      E.g.  “Everything’s going to be fine from now on” – means disaster will shortly ensue

b.      Pretty much everything on soaps gets jinxed, especially relationships

c.       When two people are in love, or state that they are “solid”, one or other of them will immediately be unfaithful with someone else in the next episode

d.      If anyone looks really happy, without a care in the world, they are about to die

e.      If anyone says that something is secret, within a few minutes most of the cast will know

f.       If anyone says that they are “going to take care of” another person, they are about to abandon them

2.      TIME AND SPACE ARE ENTIRELY FLEXIBLE

a.      Yesterday it may have taken half an hour to get from someone’s home to the hospital, but today it might only take two minutes

b.      Any UK city mentioned by name is a major journey away, taking many hours or days to get there.  It is almost impossible to get back because high-speed buses and trains do not exist.  Landlines & mobiles will not work either, so all contact will be lost. Going to Southampton, for example, is equivalent to being banished to Siberia

c.       However, any foreign country in any part of the globe can be reached within the hour

d.      Anyone who goes to visit their Aunt in Hull for a month will come back with bleached hair and a sun-tan

e.      No matter how many family members, girl-friends, boy-friends and lodgers live in a house, there are always enough bedrooms and bathrooms to go round.  But there will be no milk in the fridge

3.      SOONER OR LATER, SORAS AFFECTS EVERYONE 

a.      SORAS is Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome. One day a child may be only 5, and the next he might be 15, but you just have to go along with it.  E.g. in Coronation Street Tracey Barlow went upstairs as a 9-year-old child and returned nearly thirteen years later as a fully-grown woman.  This passed without remark

b.      When a child character is suddenly replaced by a completely different actor, nobody notices

c.       As soon as any character over 60 is seen to forget something more than once, they immediately become 80 and start suffering from advanced dementia

4.      IF SOMEONE IS MURDERED, THERE MUST BE AT LEAST THREE SUSPECTS 

a.      The most hated characters are the most susceptible to murder mystery storylines

b.      The most loved characters will become unwittingly embroiled, repeatedly incriminating themselves

c.       All the suspects, good or bad, will suddenly start behaving differently, leaving a swathe of ambiguous clues

d.      The police will suspect, arrest and threaten each suspect in serial fashion, before admitting they are baffled

e.      Everyone will be convinced that they know who did it, and will say so, and will be wrong

f.       The actual murderer will finally turn out to be someone completely different

5.      IF ANYONE HAS SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE THERE WILL BE UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCES

a.      Some-one, usually an existing partner, will be watching from the shadows.  However, the guilty couple will always share a “secret” kiss on the doorstep the morning after, and will look furtively in both directions before sneaking off, so this is not always needed

b.      The woman will always get pregnant

c.       If the pregnancy is unwanted, it never ends in abortion, no matter how many times the woman goes to the abortion clinic or discusses it with others

d.      The foetus is always referred to as “the baby” as soon as the pregnancy test-kit hits the rubbish-bin

6.      THERE TENDS TO BE THREE OR MORE CHARACTERS IN ANY LOCATION AT ONE TIME

a.      If five or more characters are in one place at one time, something interesting is probably going to happen, probably a major row or misunderstanding

b.      If a location is shown, it will never be empty.  People will quickly crowd in to have an argument about something

c.       There is a very strong possibility that most of these people will be related to each other

7.      THERE IS NO LIMIT TO THE NUMBER OF SKELETONS ANY CHARACTER CAN HAVE IN THEIR CUPBOARD

a.      No-one is immune to having a secret illegitimate child, having served an undisclosed prison sentence, or being an undischarged bankrupt.  It follows that every character is open to blackmail from any other character who discovers this, before the rest of the cast find out

b.      Everyone has a long-lost sister, brother, mother, father or extremely significant person in their lives, who (inexplicably) has never been mentioned before they suddenly turn up on the doorstep

c.       Any major secret is revealed in public in the worst possible circumstances, in the pub, usually on Christmas Day

8.       MOST PEOPLE DON’T LEAD NORMAL LIVES

a.      No two characters have the same Christian name, so there is never any confusion in conversation

b.      Everyone eats, drinks, works & procreates within 100 yards of their own house

c.       Virtually everyone is self-employed and therefore has totally flexible hours & an indeterminate income.  Equally there is a never-ending supply of local casual work, which usually falls into the lap of the most desperate person

d.      No-one has a bank account, any savings or insurance.  Rental & mortgage payments are never paid from a bank account – indeed all transactions are conducted in cash

e.      Merely working a couple of shifts, adding up to just ten hours a week, provides enough income to pay rent, buy food & drink, maintain a large family and to conduct a normal lifestyle

f.       No-one goes to the toilet, washes their own clothes, cleans their house, or watches TV (especially soap operas)

g.      In the pub & the café, no-one ever mentions religion, politics or world affairs

h.      People never make appointments or check availability – they just drop in and the person is always there and available.  And when there is a knock or ring on the door, it is always answered instantly, and without checking who is there first

i.        When confidential information has to be shared, it is always done in the most public place, in normal audible voices.  It follows that someone will be eaves-dropping, which makes it strange that the characters are always flabbergasted when the secret gets out, and will blame each other for being indiscreet

9.      THE IMMEDIATE NEIGHBOURHOOD IS THE MOST DANGEROUS PLACE ON THE PLANET

a.      More happens in half an hour on set than happens in most people’s whole lifetimes

b.      There are more cases of arson, robberies, rapes, assaults and murders in one square mile than happen the UK in the course of a whole year

c.       If characters are driving in a car, the car will probably crash, injuring or killing one or both occupants.  It will never be a minor fender-bender, with both parties merely exchanging insurance details

d.      Leaves fall off the trees in January and start growing again in January

e.      If a plot-line runs out of steam, at the drop of a hat, a character will decide to leave the neighbourhood for good. The manner of their departure e.g. taxi, private car, bus or tube is a function of their status in the soap, and is a strong indicator of the likelihood of their future return to a new plot-line a few months later

10.   IN THE MAJORITY OF CASES, A DEAD PERSON IS NOT REALLY DEAD 

a.      If the body hasn’t been found, the person’s alive

b.      If the body is unidentifiable without medical records, it belongs to someone else

c.       If someone says, “Don’t worry, he/she/it’s dead,” he/she/it is probably alive

d.      Even if the body has been found, the person might still not be dead

e.      Even if a funeral has been held, the character may come back in some form e.g. as a ghost

f.       The most usual cause of death is that the real-life actor has been sent to prison for child abuse, or has been asking for more money, or has had their contract terminated

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Nonsense

Nonsense

Here’s a short passage which makes (reasonable) sense in this day and age, but which would have been complete unintelligible nonsense as recently as 1975.

Saw this amazing ad last night on Sky. I was watching on the HD flat-screen in the lounge, but I had to go out, so I finished on the tablet.  Been having trouble with my iPhone because the 4G coverage round here is rubbish, and there’s no WiFi hot-spots either. That’s what you get with Orange and EE! 

Anyway, this ad was for this amazing new App that recognises tunes when it hears them.  Any CD or DVD, or you can even be watching a film on Netflix, and it’ll give you the name and artist within seconds.  Didn’t know how that could work so I Googled it, and it was true.  Found it all explained on Wikipaedia.  Seems the App’s online 24/7 to some database in the Cloud.  Don’t even need broadband!  Then I found some guy using it on YouTube!  Amazing!  Decided I just had to have it, but it’s not available on iTunes.  Found it on Amazon, but some guy was selling it cheaper on eBay.  Only trouble was it was a crappy Windows version, and I really wanted Android.  I mean Apple and Microsoft are OK, but so expensive!  And their software!  The hackers and spammers are all over it. I’ve got everything I can to fight that stuff - spam-filters, anti-virus, anti-Trojan, firewall – you name it.  Anyway, I managed to download it OK in the end.  He wanted bitcoins, but I don’t have any, so I managed to use Euros via Paypal.

I thought it was really neat, so I let Sarah know about it on Facebook.  But she wasn’t interested.  She just wanted to bang on about her new mobile.  She’s chucked the Blackberry now and got herself a Galaxy.  It’s a SIM-only, pay-as-you-go deal – it comes with a huge bundle of minutes and SMS texts, and she gets free data-roaming!  Usual story though – needs yet another charger and different USB connector to her old one.

She’s on the bloody Web all the time now, posting selfies with Instagram, and Tweeting every few minutes.  Don’t like Twitter myself.  Can hardly get a word in edgeways.  Think I’ll have to pretend to be a stalker or one of those Internet trolls, just to put the willies up her.  I’ll just set up another social media id, follow her, then start PM’ing her.  Keeps it anonymous.  Not like email, because apart from your userid (which is a bit of a giveaway), they can trace your IP address, and pinpoint your exact location through GPS.  Need to be careful, or I’ll end up with an ASBO!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

BBC Continuity Announcement - The End Of The World

BBC Continuity Announcement – The End Of The World

Thank-you Kirsty Young.  And that was the last in the current series of Desert Island Discs.

And now, before the next programme, we have an important announcement.

Within the last few minutes, the Government has announced that the World will end early tomorrow morning.  The exact time is not currently known.  This is thought to be as the result of the Earth being struck by a massive meteorite from Outer Space.  The planet, its atmosphere, and everything in it, will be utterly destroyed.  All species, including mankind, will wiped from the face of the Earth and become extinct.  Nothing will survive.  The globe will become a burned-out empty cinder, a dead planetary object, destined to circle the Sun for billions of years until our Solar System is itself destroyed when the Universe finally collapses.

The situation is hopeless.  There is nothing you can do.  There is nothing anyone can do.  All precautions, and mitigating actions against cataclysmic Armageddon, are futile. Do not attempt to run.  Do not attempt to hide.  There is nowhere you can go.

The Government suggests that, in the last few hours before certain annihilation, citizens should seek to gather their loved ones around them, to make their peace with whatever spiritual deity they happen to believe in, and to return all library books in good time.

In the light of this rather unique situation, there will be a few changes to tomorrow’s schedules on BBC Radio 4:

·        The Today programme, hosted by John Humphrys,  will begin half an hour earlier than normal, to allow time for a studio discussion between the leading political parties on the implications for mankind, and to discuss whose particular policies are to blame for the current meteorite crisis;

·        The Thought For The Day slot will be extended from its normal two minutes to three hours, as the leader of one of our major religious sects seeks to grapple with the spiritual meaning of this particular End of Days.  This will be set against the decision by the Synod of The Church of England to attempt to finally rush through a vote on the ordination of Women Bishops;

·        The scheduled edition of Gardeners’ Question Time will be postponed indefinitely, pending improved weather conditions for planting out Spring bulbs;

·        The Weather Forecast will focus on the short –term picture only, and will drop its normal medium and long-range forecasts;

·        A special programme will be broadcast, hosted by Melvyn Bragg, together with a panel of experts, who will debate the issue “Destruction Of The Earth – What Will This Mean For Arts Funding?”;

·        Next week’s edition of Moneybox – Live, with Paul Lewis, will be brought forward to give listeners the opportunity to phone in with their questions on what this will mean for mortgages, lending and saving rates.  Listeners are encouraged to call in early, as this is expected to be a very busy programme;

·        And, finally, all other programmes originally scheduled to be broadcast before the week-end, will now be available early on i-Player.  Don’t forget – you can either listen now, or you can download the programmes for listening later.  Well, before, lunchtime anyway.

We realise that some listeners may find the contents of this bulletin slightly upsetting.  If you, or anyone you know, have been affected by the issues raised, there is a special Helpline which you can call.  The number is charged at local rates for calls from land-lines, but your network operator may charge more for calls from mobiles.  This service is not available to callers outside the UK.

Anyway - now it’s time for today’s edition of The Archers, where there’s consternation in The Bull at the falling price of dairy cattle.

CUE – Archers’ Theme

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017