Greeting Cards - On Realising You're Driving A Diesel

On realising you’re driving a diesel:

Oh my God how awful!

VW are speaking like a weasel

They’ve been cheating on the tests

And sold you a sodding diesel!

I’ll bet you’re as mad as mad can be

And furious that you’ve been taken in

It doesn’t matter what your engine type

It seems that you just can’t win!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Watchers Of The Skies

In the light of Edward Snowden's latest revelations that US & UK spy agencies can remotely eavesdrop on mobile conversations, switch phones on & off, switch on microphones and advanced GPS trackers.....

Watchers Of The Skies

Someone, somewhere wants to know

What we’re getting up to

Our access, our codes and security

Our secrets and confidences

The bits and the bytes and the bleeps

The residue that gives us away

Tracking us through online DNA

To follow the digital trail

Of our electronic footprints

Through the blizzard of data

They’re tapping and taping

Wireless communications

Intercepting the signals

Listening to the chaff and the chatter

Clocking our clicks

Scraping our screens

And capturing our keystrokes

Deep-mining the datasets

Following our every move

Wherever we go

Our emails and calls

Our texts and our tweets

Interested in whatever we do

Whatever we’re looking at

Whichever the websites

And whoever we’re talking to

And who are these spooks and these spies

In their dubious agencies

And non-existent departments

Focusing their prism upon our lives

With their online surveillance?

What is the intelligence they seek?

The knowledge they need to keep us all safe?

The mandate they work to?

And who are the masters they answer to

So unaccountable and unreachable?

Are these the same people

Who seek to calm us with platitudes

And tell us that we have nothing to fear?

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Not Romeo And Juliet

Not Romeo and Juliet

She said it was more than the romance of a moment

Not just a school-girl’s crush

But something deep and meaningful

A relationship built over the months

Of the terms and the holidays

She knew she was young, and this was her first

The only time she’d ever been in love

But he’d smiled at her and marked her work less harshly

So she’d calmed down in the class-room

And started to take more notice

And he’d been understanding and kind

Flattered by her girlish attentions

And he’d talked to her when she needed a friend

Found her crying at the end of a school-trip

And held her hand on the way home

And she said she pretended to forget things

When she went home at the end of the day

And had to go back to find them

Just to be alone with him for a moment

And lay her confidences before him

She thought that the texts, the emails and messages

Must have begun at that time

Soon turning from friendly to flirty

Till they fell for each other in a bad way

In a fond flurry of foolishness

And trysting as lovers in hidden locations

To shield their passion from friends

Made their secret seem somehow star-cross’d

Beautiful, romantic and sentimental

Something that others would not understand

But he knew that he was far too old to play Romeo

That he had betrayed his position of trust

And that she shouldn’t, couldn’t be his Juliet

Yet he still ran off with her to Paris

To start a new life on the run

And now there’s a sad little court case

To try and sort out this love tragedy

And everyone’s crying

They should have both known

That it would all end in tears

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

News From Bromham - Dateline Sunday 4th October 2015

Bulletin From Bromham: Dateline – Sunday 4^th October 2015

                                             

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Bromham:

1.       Shock and horror enveloped the village last night when the Bromham Lions RU team were beaten at home by a team from Down Under (Salisbury) in a match in the group stage of the Wiltshire Cup (WC).  Following their defeat last week by a team from the Wild West (Trowbridge), this means that they can no longer qualify for the knock-out stages of their own tournament.  Nearly twenty disappointed people poured away from the ground last night, muttering dark thoughts about the fate of the Bromham coach, Stuart Piglet.

2.       But, on a lighter note, villagers were cheered by the return of Bromham Broadcasting Corporation (BBC)’s popular TV series “Strictly Come Picking”, with a whole slew of e-list celebrities giving up their normal pastimes to come to Bromham for the contest.  The contestants will be put through their paces by professional vegetable pickers and, week by week, will be expected to display skills in a wide range of harvesting disciplines, before being eliminated on the votes of random members of the public.  Week One will feature a tricky routine involving both beetroots and ruby chard.  In future weeks displays will include parsnip poncing, carrot collecting and leek lynching.

3.       For details of these and all other Bromham stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station Carrot FM.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Hesitation

Hestitation

Some chaps find it hard to speak straight:

Their listeners just have to wait.

Their speech is a mess,

They start to digress,

Then it’s all stop, start and…. hesitate.

I don’t think it’s cos they’re stupid or dumb,

More like their minds have simply turned numb.

They become all unsure,

It’s so hard to endure,

When all they can come up with is ……“um”.

This problem can make them feel sick,

As they battle with their verbal tic.

They might come out with an …..“ah”,

And they don’t get very far,

I’m sorry – I’m not taking the mick!

Don’t mock – it could happen to you, man -

Bet you wouldn’t know what to do, man.

So don’t be uncertain,

Nor go for a burton,

After all – they say “to ‘er is human”.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Quince Jelly

Recipe for: QUINCE JELLY

Ingredients:

• 900g/ 2 lbs quinces
• Juice of one lemon
• 454g/ 1 lb + white granulated sugar

Method:

1. wash & roughly chop the quinces (no need to peel, pip or core)
2. place into a large heavy pan & cover with water
3. bring to the boil, then simmer gently until the fruit is completely soft.  If the quinces are very firm, this could take more than an hour.  Add more water if needed
4. when cooked, tip the lot through a sterilised jelly bag & leave to drip overnight
5. do not squeeze the bag or the jelly will be cloudy
6. measure the juice you’ve collected, then add back into the (clean) pan
7. add 1 lb/ 454g  sugar for every 1 pt 570ml of juice + the lemon juice
8. heat gently, stirring to ensure that all the sugar has dissolved, then bring up to the boil
9. boil hard for 10 minutes then test for a set .  Keep testing until you get to the setting point
10. remove from heat & pot into warm sterilised jars
11. cool, seal, label & store

 What else you need to know:

1. it’s hard to get a set with quinces, but possible if you keep boiling & testing

Toast Rack

Toast Rack

Breakfast’s the laziest meal of the day,

A quite casual repast as a rule -
It’s not something so organised

That you need to watch the toast cool.

No - straight from the toaster and onto the plate,

Horizontal and any which way -

Whack on the butter and marmalade:

A sloppy approach to the start of the day.

The idea of it all in a line,

All vertical and serried in ranks,

It’s just too orderly for my taste,

We don’t need it on parade – no thanks!

Life’s too regimented as it is,

Without starting the day so formal,

So keep the toast-rack in the cupboard,

Chill out, and carry on just as normal!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015