This Door Is Alarmed

This Door Is Alarmed

The notice read “This door is alarmed”

To warn me, as if I should take some particular care,

That this portal was a sensitive creature,

And that I should make no sudden movements,

And, whilst I was obviously very concerned,

I thought I should also point out:

That the window is open – to suggestions

The curtains are drawn – having pulled themselves together

The floor - feels as if it is beneath me

The walls - are simply plastered

The skirting board – is working its way around me

The ceiling - is really over my head

The staircase – is a bit up and down

The TV – is channelling

The dish-washer – is on a new programme

The spin-drier – doesn’t know which way to turn

The fridge – is trying to keep its cool

The beds – are taking it lying down

But at least the lights - are very switched on

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Identificatuon

Identification

 

This is how it all started once before

With simple marks and signs

The means of clear identification

The distinction in status

Back then it was pink or yellow

But now it seems to be red

The plastic wristband

The painted door

The convenient grouping together

The insignia of things that must be distinguished

And next it will be numbering

Indexing and recording

After that it will be branding of the skin

A more permanent answer

Pre-cursor to a Final Solution

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 12th June 2022

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 12^th June 2022 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Protesters gathered in the Market Place on Friday to demand much tougher gun laws, following the near-massacre in Poundland last week, when a spotty youth sporting a hoodie and two fingers in the shape of a fake gun demanded that staff hand over several tubes of Pringles.  Shoppers were left traumatised by the near-robbery, the near-shooting, and the near blood-bath.  This follows the incident the previous week when a man might have been seen with an airgun, although the witness was said to be “not quite sure”.  

2.      And as the threat of a national rail strike looms ever closer, D-Town citizens were left feeling smug.  As the last train left in 1963 following the Beeching cuts, and the entire station complex entirely demolished for a car park and housing estate, locals were left not being able to give a toss.  

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

 

I Remember What's-Her-Name

I Remember What’s-Her-Name

I was only thinking just the other day

About many things so far away

Before my recollection could wane

As I took a trip down Memory Lane

That I hadn’t seen her for such a long time

The girl I had courted back in my prime

She was handsome, and she was pretty

She lived in old Bradford City

I was sweet on her, which she surely knew

And I think that she was sweet on me too

So many years have now slipped by

How the decades have tended to fly

Such a long time since I played the courtship game….

I wonder whatever happened to… What’s-Her-Name?

 

After such a promising start

We gradually drifted apart

Then came that fateful day

When her family moved far away

We saw each other for one final night

Of course we promised we’d write

It didn’t happen and, as is often the case,

I think she got married to… What’s-His-Face

And as the story usually bids

There followed at least a couple of kids

Then, just like you read in the books

She faded, and lost all of her looks

 

Now I wish I hadn’t so tarried

She was the girl I ought to have married

But I’ll never know whether

We might have been happy together

You know - right after our first date

I knew she was my soul-mate

So close that our spirits were linking

We knew what each other was thinking

It’s such a shame it didn’t last

And now it’s all so far in the past

I don’t think either of us was to blame…

I just wish I could remember her bloody name!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Picking Up The Poo

Picking Up The Poo 

Picking up the poo

We’re picking up the poo

We’re feeling very righteous

Picking up the poo

 

Banging in the bag

We’re banging in the bag

It’s what we’re forced to do

Banging in the bag

 

Tying up the sack

We’re tying up that sack

Stops it smelling bad

Tying up the sack

 

Hanging in the tree

We’re hanging it in the tree

Nothing to do with me

Hanging in that tree

 

Drying in the sun

They’re drying in the sun

Presents for the birdies

Hanging in the sun

 

Come see the shit-trees

Come see those shit-trees

How happy we will be

Looking at those shit-trees

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Mushroom Pate

Recipe for: MUSHROOM PATE 

Ingredients: 

• 90g butter
• 300g mixed mushrooms (shitake, chestnut, button) wiped & thinly sliced
• 1 small onion, very finely chopped
• 2 cloves garlic, very finely chopped
• Juice of one lemon
• Pinch cayenne pepper
• ½ tsp grated nutmeg
• 80g ricotta
• 50g gorgonzola (or other veg creamy blue cheese) 

Method: 

1. melt half the butter in a large frying pan and cook the mushrooms, onion & garlic for 10 mins or until soft.
2. squeeze over the lemon juice
3. divide the mixture in half.  Set one half aside, and blitz the other half in a food processor until smooth
4. in a bowl, combine the two lots of mushrooms, adding in the cayenne, nutmeg, ricotta, gorgonzola + salt/ pepper
5. when thoroughly mixed put the mixture either into a single bowl, or divide between four individual ramekins, smoothing the top to leave a smooth, flat surface.
6. melt the remaining butter, then pour carefully on top of the mushroom mixture to form a seal.
7. cover & place in fridge for a few hours to chill and set. 

What else you need to know: 

1. serve with toast or crusty bread, and onion marmalade (or a chutney)
2. makes a good, impressive dinner party starter, garnished with a little salad.

 

Alcohol Neutral

Alcohol Neutral

In these times of global warming

Every one of us must do their bit

I’m ready & willing to play my part

The time has come, and this is it

 

So I’m making this formal declaration

To encourage others to do the same

I’m aiming to be alcohol-neutral by 2050

So you can see me step up my game

 

To start upon this ambitious plan

I’ll cut down on the beer I’m drinking

By at least one pint a week

But I can figure what you’re thinking

 

That it’s not very much to do

That it doesn’t get us very far

But it’s a step in the right direction

To move on from where we are

 

There’s no point upsetting the present balance

The alcohol economy must slowly adjust

No sudden movements in spending

Where gradual transition’s a must

 

Supping just this little bit less

Will put me on a path to remission

Not only improving my health

But also reducing my gastric emission

 

And before 2050 I’ll use some off-sets

To reduce my alcohol footprint

By sniffing beer-soaked towels on the bar

To ensure that publicans don’t go skint

 

And consumption might actually increase

For the next two decades or so

To reach a peak around 2040

Which is a long, long way to go

 

And of course there’s the alcohol credits

I’ve earned through these many years

By not drinking every single day

In my quota of many rounds of beers

 

Which will allow a gentler transition

On this alcohol reduction drive

Leading to my revised prediction

That it might take till 2055 

 

By then I’ll be a hundred years old

With my level of consumption diminished

Only eking out a gentle existence

Just alive, but not quite finished

 

But in the meantime I’ve got a further plan

One that will bring me to a rapture

I’ll be keeping beer cans in my second fridge

I call it “alcohol storage and capture”

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022