Running For The Bus

Running For The Bus

I count myself a determined old bugger:

I didn’t want to be put out to grass.

Eventually a new vista opened,

When at last I got hold of my free bus pass.

I took to it like a duck to the water,

And used it to voyage about all over.

Soon I became a frequent traveller,

And was known as the “Off-Peak Rover”.

There’s but one bus a day from our village,

So you can’t afford not to be on board,

And when I saw the thing disappearing.

I was off in hot pursuit, and I roared.

The driver could see me, so gave me a chance,

Leaving the doors open as he moved away.

I was quite a wreck, as I leapt up on deck

But at least I still didn’t have to pay!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

News From Bromham - Dateline Sunday 2nd November 2014

Bulletin From Bromham: Dateline – Sunday 2^nd November  2014

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Bromham:

1.       An enquiry has been launched after the crash of Bromham’s new experimental high-speed potato-picking machine.  One of the test-drivers was killled, and the other ejected safely but is seriously injured.  This represents a major set-back for Bromham’s high-technology industry, but does not appear to have affected the desires of Bromham’s richest and brightest farmers to join the inaugural harvesting run to the very edge of the village.  The exact date for this ground-breaking (geddit?) run is now in doubt, and may be put back by several years.

2.       The usual political storm-in-a-teacup row blew up this week when it was revealed that the t-shirts worn by Bromham’s party leaders in the Parish Council chamber, bearing the slogan “This is what a self-serving politico looks like”, were made of woven baler-twine in sweat-shop conditions in a factory in Frome.  Dave Wentwrong, leader of the Field Land-Owners’ Party (FLOP) who had consistently refused to wear the t-shirt, said that he did not wish to make political capital of the issue, but commented “na na na na na na”.

3.       For details of these and all other Bromham stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station Carrot FM.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Long Range Forecast

Long Range Forecast

The never-ending, ceaseless quest

For human improvement goes on and on -

Now the Meterological Office -

You’ll never guess what they’ve done!

Just bought a new super-computer, that’s what,

With vast amounts of memory and power.

Ninety-seven million it cost,

Just to help them promise a shower!

To improve accuracy and modelling,

It measures instructions in peta-flops,

But will it be any more accurate,

When it comes to forecasting raindrops?

I’m full of anticipation about precipitation,

And I often wonder about thunder.

Will there be a storm or a hurricane?

Will the Jetstream tear us asunder?

Do I really need to know a long way ahead?

Or what might happen next year in May?

Do I need great precision, over such a decision?

No! – just what’ll happen later today!

And there’s simpler methods at hand,

Like looking at seaweed, or at heather.

You don’t need a Cray X-C Forty,

If you’re wanting to prophesy weather!

If you can see Roundway Hill’s summit,

Rain’s coming, and sunshine’ll be soon waning,

And if you can’t quite make out the top,

Then I’m afraid it’s already raining!

Anyway, I’m sure they’ll enjoy their new toy,

Building scenarios that are long-range,

But the future’s a difficult thing,

And it won’t get Earth’s climate to change!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Halloween

Halloween

It’s that bloody time of year again,

But I can’t be doing with modern Halloween.

I mean - all this trick-or-treating -

What on earth’s it all supposed to mean?

It’s them damned Americans again -

It makes me want to grieve.

To them it’s just a marketing plot,

When it should be All Hallows’ Eve!

It’s a Celtic or Pagan thing,

About the turning of the year,

The darkness of the coming Winter,

And about the banishment of fear.

Since when did we need plastic costumes?

Of spiders, skeletons and witches?

Just so that supermarket chains

Could add to their existing pile of riches?

I’m not bothered about the pumpkins,

Carved as Jack-o-lanterns, but good grief!

Can’t we stop all this talk of haunting,

And get back to good old mischief?

It’s the end of harvest and summer time,

The Winter solstice, the land’s no longer green,

So let’s forget talk of spooks and pranks,

And give us back our Halloween!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Hedgerow Jelly

Recipe for: HEDGEROW JELLY

Ingredients:

• 1 kg crab apples, or cooking apples
• 1 kg mixed hedgerow berries (e.g. sloes, bullaces, hips, haws, blackberries, elder-berries, rowan berries)
• 900 g granulated sugar

 Method:

1. pick over the fruits, removing stalks & leafy bits, rinsing as necessary
2. don’t peel or core the apples – just chop roughly
3. place all fruit in a heavy pan with 1.2 litres of water
4. bring to the boil, then simmer until all the fruit is soft & pulpy.  Remove from heat.
5. turn the contents of the pan through a scalded jelly bag or muslin cloth & leave to drip overnight
6. do not rush this bit – don’t squeeze the liquid through the bag or the jelly will be cloudy
7. the next day, measure the juice – you will probably have about 1.2 litres
8. put the juice into a clean pan and bring up to the boil
9. add the sugar – 450g of it for every 600 ml of fruit liquid, stirring until dissolved
10. boil rapidly, without stirring, for 9-10 minutes until setting point is reached 
11. skim off any scum with a shallow spoon, then pot & seal into sterilised jars
12. date & label the jars

 What else you need to know:

1. keeping the skin, cores & stones is a good source of pectin, which helps the jam to set

Country LIfe

Country Life

I’ve been a City boy for all of my life,

But of the town I’d had my fill,

So I was persuaded down into Wiltshire,

To share in the rural idyll.

That’s what I dreamt when I got here,

As we moved in next to a farm,

With green fields and village nearby,

I savoured the countryside charm.

I’m told the country is only two things:

That’s fornication and farming,

But there’s not much farming in winter -

Which is a thought that’s alarming.

But there are many great things to enjoy:

We’ve moved from houses like boxes.

Now there’s badgers and hedgehogs,

And buzzards, kestrels and foxes.

You don’t get such fresh air in town,

The green fields and the walking.

The peace and the quiet are amazing,

And canals – now you’re talking.

So I’ve decided it’s not too bad in the end:

And I don’t want to sound stricken,

So I’ll have to get along now -

It’s time I was milking the chickens.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Fell Climbing Accident

Rhymes In The News – (Jack And Jill)

Fell-Climbing Accident

Paramedics called in the Wiltshire Air Ambulance last week to airlift an accident victim to the Head Injuries Unit at Bristol’s Frenchay Hospital.  The alarm was raised late on Friday afternoon after a young man, identified later as Jack, an inexperienced climber, had ascended a local hill with his girlfriend Jill, also a novice hill-walker, in order to collect water samples from a local dew-pond at a popular beauty-spot.

Details of the accident are still unclear, but it appears that Jack somehow fell, injuring his skull in the process.  It then appears that Jill also fell down the hill after attempting to come to Jack’s aid, although her injuries were thought to be less serious.

At Frenchay Hospital, Jack was treated for a cracked skull with a revolutionary new organic method involving acetic acid and a tan-coloured bandaging material.  He is now said to be comfortable, and his condition is no longer thought to be life-threatening.

The Head of the local Fire & Rescue Unit later commented:  “this incident underlines the importance of taking proper personal safety precautions before embarking upon any form of hill-climbing.”

And in other news:

·         An elderly lady has been visited by Wiltshire Social Services after being tipped off by reports by neighbours.  It appears that the woman is a single-parent family, supporting a large number of children, and living in extremely small and inadequate accommodation.  It was reported that the children were mal-nourished, and that they had been subject to a certain amount of physical abuse.

·         A suspected paedophile has been detained after being caught running through the town in his night-gown.  He was seen rapping on windows at around 8pm enquiring whether the small children inside houses had gone to bed yet. Failing to give his real name, the man was charged under his Internet pseudonym of Wee Willie Winkie.

·         And fire-fighters have been called out to rescue a baby from a tree-top.  It is not known how the child came to occupy such a perilous position, but fears have grown for its safety after the wind got up and the cradle, in which the child is lying, was seen to rock perilously.  An extending ladder has been called in to get to the child before the bough, upon which the cradle is resting, has a chance to break.  It is feared that such a break would cause both the cradle and the child to fall.  Latest updates on the situation can be found on BBC Local News.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014