The Webs We Weave

My second volume of short stories "The Webs We Weave" has been published, and is now available on Amazon to order as a paperback, or as a Kindle download.  The first volume "Seven Score & Other Tales" is also available.

Latest Immigration Scandal

Latest Immigration Scandal - Baby Removed By Social Workers

Report taken from the 26^th December edition of “Bethlehem On Sunday” by their Foreign Affairs Correspondent St John Simpson.

An unmarried mother (who cannot be named for legal reasons) was last night at the centre of a huge row in the sleepy commuter town of Bethlehem, Judea, after Social Workers employed by King Herod, the head of the Local Authority Social Services, seized her new-born child, who can only be referred to under reporting restrictions as “Baby J”, within minutes of the birth in down-market budget hotel.  Local residents stated that the hotel was a by-word for over-booking and over-crowding, especially at holiday times.  The birth apparently took place, without the aid of a midwife, in an over-flow room at the back of the premises.  The mother was stated, however, to be in a stable condition.  A number of animals were found at the same address.

Asking for a Care Order on the infant, Social Workers explained that the mother had arrived in Bethlehem with no means of support, using hired transport, heavily pregnant, and had history of mental health problems. She had drawn early attention to herself by making a number of wild and delusional claims, including not previously having had sexual relations, and having seen a vision of man dressed in white sheets, claiming to be an angel of The Lord, telling her that her expected child was destined to be The Son of God. The woman was thought to want to claim Housing Benefit, Child Allowance, and a number of other State benefits.

A psychiatrist, working for Bethlehem Social Services, testified that the woman was clearly suffering from a possible bi-polar condition and was obviously unfit to be a mother.

However, the removal of the child provoked a furious response from the Shop Steward of the NUS (the National Union of Shepherds & Associated Flock-Watchers) who represent a number of workers in the local sheep-guarding business. They  claimed that they had been quietly abiding in their fields with their sheep, according to normal night-shift procedures, when they had allegedly seen “the sky full of angels, commanding them to go to Bethlehem and to see this thing that had come to pass.”  Bethlehem Police later confirmed that a number of outlying huts had been raided, and a large quantity of hallucogenic substances had been removed and confiscated.

“But when the shepherds got there,” said the Shop Steward, “the child had already been removed from the parents, and all they found were three old strangely-dressed men claiming to be kings who had travelled by following a star-line express coach from Leyton Orient.  They were carrying a number of suspicious packages, which they said were Christmas presents intended for the child that was no longer there.”

An official statement from King Herod’s Office confirmed the presence of the three “kings”, explaining that officials would be detaining them as illegal Eastern immigrants, who had sought to avoid import controls by smuggling into the country a number of illicit substances, including frankincense and myrrh, and a suspiciously large quantity of gold, in clear breach of exchange control regulations. An Official Enquiry will be launched, headed by Matthew Mark-Lucan John, in order that “lessons can be learned”.  It is expected to report its findings by Epiphany, and will be published in the new “Testament” series.  The statement called for all the witnesses to tell “the gospel truth”, although witness statements are expected to differ in many of the details.

Later the authorities also applied for a “gagging” order on the woman’s common-law partner, an unemployed carpenter from the village of Nazareth, forbidding him to speak to reporters from the Bible.  He has been denied political asylum, and is to be deported as an economic migrant.

Meanwhile, the whereabouts of “Baby J” remain unclear, but it is believed that the distressed parents are planning to appeal to the court of King Herod for the child to be returned to them, so that He can accompany them on a flight booked to Egypt.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Man Wanted For Questioning

Man Wanted For Questioning

Police this morning took the unusual step of issuing a detailed description of a man they wish to interview in connection with a wide range of serious offences.

The suspect is described as being of below average height, and of stout build, bordering on the obese.  He bears a great deal of facial hair, white in colour, consisting of moustache, full whiskers and a long flowing beard.  This may have the effect of partially disguising his facial features, which are said to consist of:

·         Twinkling, sparkly eyes;

·         Glowing, almost red, nose and a

·         Jovial grin, showing white teeth;

He is known to dress in a very recognisable outfit, which may include:

·         A bright red, two-piece suit, trimmed with white fur;

·         A matching red hat, also white-trimmed, tapering to a point with a white pom-pom;

·         A pair of black snow-boots, with trousers tucked in;

·         Black leather belt, tightly cinched at the waist;

·         A pair of wire-framed spectacles;

·         A bulging sack, carried over the left shoulder.

He is often seen wearing a broad grin, and is reported to frequently utter such phrases as “Ho, ho, ho!”, “Have you been good this year?” and “What can I do for you little girl?”

The suspect is wanted in virtually every country in the world.  Interpol have revealed that he is a global criminal, and uses many aliases and different identities to avoid detection and capture.  These include:

·         Kris Kringle

·         Santa Claus

·         Saint Nicholas

·         Father Christmas

·         and Sinterklaas

He is thought to be of North Pole extraction, although his exact nationality is not known.  He has been reported to travel without a passport, crossing international frontiers undetected and with complete impunity.  His criminal associates include:

·         reputed “magic” elves, but also

·         pixies and

·         dwarves

He travels worldwide, using a high-speed sleigh (registration mark unknown), propelled by a number of reindeer, who go by such names as Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet and Cupid, although these too are thought to be mere aliases.

Inspector Foot, of The Yard, stated:  “this is a very dangerous man, and he should not be approached by members of the general public.  Any sightings should be reported directly to the police, who will deal with the matter.  He is wanted in connection with a variety of crimes including:

·         paedophilia – he has been observed “grooming” small children, by offering them sweets and small presents, encouraging them in close, intimate contact by sitting them on his knee, inviting them to put their hands into his “sack” to pull out a goody, and by visiting them in schools, hospitals and children’s parties.  Through his so-called “charity” work, he has been given unfettered access to the bedrooms of small, sleeping children, where he has been free to carry on his sickening activities in comparative secrecy;

·         housebreaking and burglary – he has been reported entering a wide range of private houses without permission from the householder.  His specialism, and trade-mark, is in forcing an entrance by way of the chimney to the property;

·         fraud and deception – goods and services have been ordered from him, which have either never been delivered at all, or have been delivered in a different specification to that required.  When customers have attempted to contact this Mr Claus, no phone-number or business address has been discovered.  Mail sent to Mr Claus at The North Pole has been returned unopened;

·         Health & Safety and Industrial Relations violations – his workshops near the North Pole have been discovered to exploit elvic workers by paying less than the minimum wage, by denying rest-breaks to elves, and by operating these workshops under sweatshop conditions during certain seasons of the year, especially September to December, then laying workers off without pay in the January period;

·         Animal cruelty – his nine reindeer are reported to have been driven around the globe for long periods without a rest, pulling extremely heavy loads through appalling weather conditions;

Inspector Foot added:  “we would very much like to talk to this man.  He is known to go to ground for nine or ten months of the year, but usually makes a sudden rush of appearances around the Christmas period, when we are often inundated with sightings.  Our job has been made that much harder by the recent phenomenon of members of the public dressing up in imitation of the suspect.  However, I cannot stress strongly enough that this man is not a charming, quaint, folk-lore hero.  He is a vicious international criminal intent on spreading his particular blend of “tidings of great joy”.

A large reward, consisting of £500 of Comet vouchers, has been offered for any information leading directly to this man’s capture.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Man Wanted For Questioning

Man Wanted For Questioning

Police this morning took the unusual step of issuing a detailed description of a man they wish to interview in connection with a wide range of serious offences.

The suspect is described as being of below average height, and of stout build, bordering on the obese.  He bears a great deal of facial hair, white in colour, consisting of moustache, full whiskers and a long flowing beard.  This may have the effect of partially disguising his facial features, which are said to consist of:

·         Twinkling, sparkly eyes;

·         Glowing, almost red, nose and a

·         Jovial grin, showing white teeth;

He is known to dress in a very recognisable outfit, which may include:

·         A bright red, two-piece suit, trimmed with white fur;

·         A matching red hat, also white-trimmed, tapering to a point with a white pom-pom;

·         A pair of black snow-boots, with trousers tucked in;

·         Black leather belt, tightly cinched at the waist;

·         A pair of wire-framed spectacles;

·         A bulging sack, carried over the left shoulder.

He is often seen wearing a broad grin, and is reported to frequently utter such phrases as “Ho, ho, ho!”, “Have you been good this year?” and “What can I do for you little girl?”

The suspect is wanted in virtually every country in the world.  Interpol have revealed that he is a global criminal, and uses many aliases and different identities to avoid detection and capture.  These include:

·         Kris Kringle

·         Santa Claus

·         Saint Nicholas

·         Father Christmas

·         and Sinterklaas

He is thought to be of North Pole-ish extraction, although his exact nationality is not known.  He has been reported to travel without a passport, crossing international frontiers undetected and with complete impunity.  His criminal associates include:

·         reputed “magic” elves, but also

·         pixies and

·         dwarves

He travels worldwide, using a high-speed sleigh (registration mark unknown), propelled by a number of reindeer, who go by such names as Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet and Cupid, although these too are thought to be mere aliases.

Inspector Foot, of The Yard, stated:  “this is a very dangerous man, and he should not be approached by members of the general public.  Any sightings should be reported directly to the police, who will deal with the matter.  He is wanted in connection with a variety of crimes including:

·         paedophilia – he has been observed “grooming” small children, by offering them sweets and small presents, encouraging them in close, intimate contact by sitting them on his knee, inviting them to put their hands into his “sack” to pull out a goody, and by visiting them in schools, hospitals and children’s parties.  Through his so-called “charity” work, he has been given unfettered access to the bedrooms of small, sleeping children, where he has been free to carry on his sickening activities in comparative secrecy;

·         housebreaking and burglary – he has been reported entering a wide range of private houses without permission from the householder.  His specialism, and trade-mark, is in forcing an entrance by way of the chimney to the property;

·         fraud and deception – goods and services have been ordered from him, which have either never been delivered at all, or have been delivered in a different specification to that required.  When customers have attempted to contact this Mr Claus, no phone-number or business address has been discovered.  Mail sent to Mr Claus at The North Pole has been returned unopened;

·         Health & Safety and Industrial Relations violations – his workshops near the North Pole have been discovered to exploit elvic workers by paying less than the minimum wage, by denying rest-breaks to elves, and by operating these workshops under sweatshop conditions during certain seasons of the year, especially September to December, then laying workers off without pay in the January period;

·         Animal cruelty – his nine reindeer are reported to have been driven around the globe for long periods without a rest, pulling extremely heavy loads through appalling weather conditions;

Inspector Foot added:  “we would very much like to talk to this man.  He is known to go to ground for nine or ten months of the year, but usually makes a sudden rush of appearances around the Christmas period, when we are often inundated with sightings.  Our job has been made that much harder by the recent phenomenon of members of the public dressing up in imitation of the suspect.  However, I cannot stress strongly enough that this man is not a charming, quaint, folk-lore hero.  He is a vicious international criminal intent on spreading his particular blend of “tidings of great joy”.

A large reward, consisting of £500 of Comet vouchers, has been offered for any information leading directly to this man’s capture.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Man Wanted For Questioning

Man Wanted For Questioning

Police this morning took the unusual step of issuing a detailed description of a man they wish to interview in connection with a wide range of serious offences.

The suspect is described as being of below average height, and of stout build, bordering on the obese.  He bears a great deal of facial hair, white in colour, consisting of moustache, full whiskers and a long flowing beard.  This may have the effect of partially disguising his facial features, which are said to consist of:

·         Twinkling, sparkly eyes;

·         Glowing, almost red, nose and a

·         Jovial grin, showing white teeth;

He is known to dress in a very recognisable outfit, which may include:

·         A bright red, two-piece suit, trimmed with white fur;

·         A matching red hat, also white-trimmed, tapering to a point with a white pom-pom;

·         A pair of black snow-boots, with trousers tucked in;

·         Black leather belt, tightly cinched at the waist;

·         A pair of wire-framed spectacles;

·         A bulging sack, carried over the left shoulder.

He is often seen wearing a broad grin, and is reported to frequently utter such phrases as “Ho, ho, ho!”, “Have you been good this year?” and “What can I do for you little girl?”

The suspect is wanted in virtually every country in the world.  Interpol have revealed that he is a global criminal, and uses many aliases and different identities to avoid detection and capture.  These include:

·         Kris Kringle

·         Santa Claus

·         Saint Nicholas

·         Father Christmas

·         and Sinterklaas

He is thought to be of North Pole extraction, although his exact nationality is not known.  He has been reported to travel without a passport, crossing international frontiers undetected and with complete impunity.  His criminal associates include:

·         reputed “magic” elves, but also

·         pixies and

·         dwarves

He travels worldwide, using a high-speed sleigh (registration mark unknown), propelled by a number of reindeer, who go by such names as Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet and Cupid, although these too are thought to be mere aliases.

Inspector Foot, of The Yard, stated:  “this is a very dangerous man, and he should not be approached by members of the general public.  Any sightings should be reported directly to the police, who will deal with the matter.  He is wanted in connection with a variety of crimes including:

·         paedophilia – he has been observed “grooming” small children, by offering them sweets and small presents, encouraging them in close, intimate contact by sitting them on his knee, inviting them to put their hands into his “sack” to pull out a goody, and by visiting them in schools, hospitals and children’s parties.  Through his so-called “charity” work, he has been given unfettered access to the bedrooms of small, sleeping children, where he has been free to carry on his sickening activities in comparative secrecy;

·         housebreaking and burglary – he has been reported entering a wide range of private houses without permission from the householder.  His specialism, and trade-mark, is in forcing an entrance by way of the chimney to the property;

·         fraud and deception – goods and services have been ordered from him, which have either never been delivered at all, or have been delivered in a different specification to that required.  When customers have attempted to contact this Mr Claus, no phone-number or business address has been discovered.  Mail sent to Mr Claus at The North Pole has been returned unopened;

·         Health & Safety and Industrial Relations violations – his workshops near the North Pole have been discovered to exploit elvic workers by paying less than the minimum wage, by denying rest-breaks to elves, and by operating these workshops under sweatshop conditions during certain seasons of the year, especially September to December, then laying workers off without pay in the January period;

·         Animal cruelty – his nine reindeer are reported to have been driven around the globe for long periods without a rest, pulling extremely heavy loads through appalling weather conditions;

Inspector Foot added:  “we would very much like to talk to this man.  He is known to go to ground for nine or ten months of the year, but usually makes a sudden rush of appearances around the Christmas period, when we are often inundated with sightings.  Our job has been made that much harder by the recent phenomenon of members of the public dressing up in imitation of the suspect.  However, I cannot stress strongly enough that this man is not a charming, quaint, folk-lore hero.  He is a vicious international criminal intent on spreading his particular blend of “tidings of great joy”.

A large reward, consisting of £500 of Comet vouchers, has been offered for any information leading directly to this man’s capture.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Latest Immigration Scandal

Latest Immigration Scandal - Baby Removed By Social Workers

Report taken from the 26^th December edition of “Bethlehem On Sunday” by their Foreign Affairs Correspondent St John Simpson.

An unmarried mother (who cannot be named for legal reasons) was last night at the centre of a huge row in the sleepy commuter town of Bethlehem, Judea, after Social Workers employed by King Herod, the head of the Local Authority Social Services, seized her new-born child, who can only be referred to under reporting restrictions as “Baby J”, within minutes of the birth in down-market budget hotel.  Local residents stated that the hotel was a by-word for over-booking and over-crowding, especially at holiday times.  The birth apparently took place, without the aid of a midwife, in an over-flow room at the back of the premises.  The mother was stated, however, to be in a stable condition.  A number of animals were found at the same address.

Asking for a Care Order on the infant, Social Workers explained that the mother had arrived in Bethlehem with no means of support, using hired transport, heavily pregnant, and had history of mental health problems. She had drawn early attention to herself by making a number of wild and delusional claims, including not previously having had sexual relations, and having seen a vision of man dressed in white sheets, claiming to be an angel of The Lord, telling her that her expected child was destined to be The Son of God. The woman was thought to want to claim Housing Benefit, Child Allowance, and a number of other State benefits.

A psychiatrist, working for Bethlehem Social Services, testified that the woman was clearly suffering from a possible bi-polar condition and was obviously unfit to be a mother.

However, the removal of the child provoked a furious response from the Shop Steward of the NUS (the National Union of Shepherds & Associated Flock-Watchers) who represent a number of workers in the local sheep-guarding business. They  claimed that they had been quietly abiding in their fields with their sheep, according to normal night-shift procedures, when they had allegedly seen “the sky full of angels, commanding them to go to Bethlehem and to see this thing that had come to pass.”  Bethlehem Police later confirmed that a number of outlying huts had been raided, and a large quantity of hallucogenic substances had been removed and confiscated.

“But when the shepherds got there,” said the Shop Steward, “the child had already been removed from the parents, and all they found were three old strangely-dressed men claiming to be kings who had travelled by following a star-line express coach from Leyton Orient.  They were carrying a number of suspicious packages, which they said were Christmas presents intended for the child that was no longer there.”

An official statement from King Herod’s Office confirmed the presence of the three “kings”, explaining that officials would be detaining them as illegal Eastern immigrants, who had sought to avoid import controls by smuggling into the country a number of illicit substances, including frankincense and myrrh, and a suspiciously large quantity of gold, in clear breach of exchange control regulations. An Official Enquiry will be launched, headed by Matthew Mark-Lucan John, in order that “lessons can be learned”.  It is expected to report its findings by Epiphany, and will be published in the new “Testament” series.  The statement called for all the witnesses to tell “the gospel truth”, although witness statements are expected to differ in many of the details.

Later the authorities also applied for a “gagging” order on the woman’s common-law partner, an unemployed carpenter from the village of Nazareth, forbidding him to speak to reporters from the Bible.  He has been denied political asylum, and is to be deported as an economic migrant.

Meanwhile, the whereabouts of “Baby J” remain unclear, but it is believed that the distressed parents are planning to appeal to the court of King Herod for the child to be returned to them, so that He can accompany them on a flight booked to Egypt.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Fell Climbing Accident

Rhymes In The News – (Jack And Jill)

Fell-Climbing Accident

Paramedics called in the Wiltshire Air Ambulance last week to airlift an accident victim to the Head Injuries Unit at Bristol’s Frenchay Hospital.  The alarm was raised late on Friday afternoon after a young man, identified later as Jack, an inexperienced climber, had ascended a local hill with his girlfriend Jill, also a novice hill-walker, in order to collect water samples from a local dew-pond at a popular beauty-spot.

Details of the accident are still unclear, but it appears that Jack somehow fell, injuring his skull in the process.  It then appears that Jill also fell down the hill after attempting to come to Jack’s aid, although her injuries were thought to be less serious.

At Frenchay Hospital, Jack was treated for a cracked skull with a revolutionary new organic method involving acetic acid and a tan-coloured bandaging material.  He is now said to be comfortable, and his condition is no longer thought to be life-threatening.

The Head of the local Fire & Rescue Unit later commented:  “this incident underlines the importance of taking proper personal safety precautions before embarking upon any form of hill-climbing.”

And in other news:

·         An elderly lady has been visited by Wiltshire Social Services after being tipped off by reports by neighbours.  It appears that the woman is a single-parent family, supporting a large number of children, and living in extremely small and inadequate accommodation.  It was reported that the children were mal-nourished, and that they had been subject to a certain amount of physical abuse.

·         A suspected paedophile has been detained after being caught running through the town in his night-gown.  He was seen rapping on windows at around 8pm enquiring whether the small children inside houses had gone to bed yet. Failing to give his real name, the man was charged under his Internet pseudonym of Wee Willie Winkie.

·         And fire-fighters have been called out to rescue a baby from a tree-top.  It is not known how the child came to occupy such a perilous position, but fears have grown for its safety after the wind got up and the cradle, in which the child is lying, was seen to rock perilously.  An extending ladder has been called in to get to the child before the bough, upon which the cradle is resting, has a chance to break.  It is feared that such a break would cause both the cradle and the child to fall.  Latest updates on the situation can be found on BBC Local News.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014