Plum Chutney

Recipe for: PLUM CHUTNEY

Ingredients:

• 1 kg plums, halved & stoned
• 6-12 plum stones, cracked to extract the kernels
• 500g cooking apples, peeled & chopped
• 250g pitted prunes
• 500g red onions, chopped
• 500g golden granulated sugar
• 1 tsp salt
• 750ml red wine vinegar
• 1 tblsp black peppercorns
• 10 cloves
• 10cm cinnamon stick

Method:

1. put the plums, apples, prunes & onions into a large pan with the sugar, salt & vinegar
2. bruise the peppercorns, cloves, cinnamon & plum stone kernels with a pestle & mortar, and tie them loosely in a piece of muslin
3. heat the pan gently, stirring frequently until the sugar is completely dissolved, and some liquid has been drawn from the fruit
4. add the spice bag & cook the mixture down slowly, stirring frequently as it thickens
5. when it is well hunkered down & thick, remove & discard the spice bag
6. pot into sterilised jars, label & date.  Cool completely before sealing

What else you need to know:

• delicious with salads & cold meats, pork pies
• also good with roast pork, goose, chicken, turkey

A Man No Longer Walking

A Man No Longer Walking

Always there, come rain or shine

Rambling in all weathers

Part of the weekly group

And known to all

Sometimes at the front

Foraging through the footpaths

Sometimes at the rear

Making heavy work

Of climbing over stiles

Or pulling up the final hill

But doing very well

For a man of advanced years

And a long list of medical problems

Appearing hale and hearty

Yet the oldest in the group

Ready to lead or to follow

Boots cleaned anew every time

Gnarled stick in hand

Water bottle in the rucksack

He has no need of maps

Having lived here all his life

And knowing all the pathways

Like the back of his veiny hand

Suddenly a change

And he’s no longer here

Missing at short notice

And a space develops

Between the conversations

Taken away at midnight

A man no longer walking

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

God Throws In The Towel

God Throws In The Towel

Come and listen to me, you sinners,

And I’ll tell you this for beginners -

Here’s a situation without any winners.

You lot never listen, so here’s a prod -

I’m getting fed-up of sitting here on my tod,

So I’ve decided to jack it all in as Lord God.

You might think it’s a doddle being divine,

But it’s boring, and not everything’s fine,

And that’s why I’ve decided to resign.

It’s a big vacancy that I’ll be freeing,

Cause it’s ever so tiring being all-seeing,

To say nothing of acting the Supreme Being.

For all eternity I’ve been celibate:

It’s been lonely up here with no mate,

Apart from that slip-up with Mary on our last date.

Anyway, I think it would be for the best,

Cos by now you’ve probably guessed,

Frankly – I’ve completely lost interest!

I’m the Ancient Of Days, and I’m tired,

And, though I know I can never be fired,

I think a new guy should be interviewed and hired.

I hate to be leaving you all in the lurch,

But I’m totally hacked off with the Church,

So for a successor you’ll need to get on with the search.

So it’s all over, and enough is enough.

Finding a new Father might be quite rough,

But that’s your bloody problem now – tough!

Just one piece of advice, I say with a great howl:

I know that I’m the one throwing in the towel,

But for the sake of Me, don’t get Simon Cowell!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Pass Me The Doodah

Pass Me The Doodah

My other half’s got me under the thumb -

She told me the sink I had to go and un-gum

Even though I think DIY’s a total pain in the bum.

I tried using every one of the tools that I’d got,

And soon I was covered in debris and grot,

Not only that – I was in a very tight spot.

I was getting all bothered and hot,

My temper snapped, my patience was shot

“What I need,” I thought, “is a long whatnot”.

My brow with cold sweat became beaded,

And I’d no idea what it was that I needed,

But at last to my cries she finally heeded.

I was in the narrowest space I could fit,

But if I could just turn that doodah one little bit,

So I shouted to her,  “pass me the wotsit!”

“The thingummy, the oojah, the one with the knob,

That effort, the dingle-dongle,” I cried with a sob,

“You know, that big thingamabob!”

She passed me a gubbins that looked quite tricky,

And I said, “I don’t mean to be too picky,

But that’s not it at all, that’s not the doohickey!”

“The whatchamacallit, the one that’s quite big,

The wossit, the gizmo that looks like a pig,

Oh come on! Just gimme the thingamajig!”

“This widget’s no midget, it’s making me mad,

It’s gnarled, and it’s snarled, it’s really quite bad,

The only thing that’ll shift it is that doodad!”

Well, she got in a big huff, started passing me stuff,

But it were wrong for the job, it just weren’t enough,

And I started getting narky and all of a huff.

“If you’d just give me what I need, you great divvy,

I could stop behaving like a snivelling skivvy.

What this job needs is a deedum, or an oojah-capivvy!”

My fingers on the dingus was doing no good,

And the water were spurting, turning to mud:

My ineptitude had created a black flood.

  

An unknown tool, whatever handle I picks,

Just something from there in the mix,

Just a thingy, or a doozy, would get me out of this fix.

So if anyone knows the name that is right,

Pass on over here, as quick as you might,

Or else be stuck here for the rest of the night!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

News From Bromham - Dateline Sunday 2nd August 2015

Bulletin From Bromham: Dateline – Sunday 2^nd August 2015

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Bromham:

1.       The immigrant situation at the mouth of the Bromham tunnel, at the Seend end, has reached crisis proportions.  Every night this week one of the pesky blighters has attempted to evade our border patrols by hitching lifts on the underside of home-bound tractors.  The Parish Council have had enough, and have announced strong extra measures that will be taken to deter these unwanted people.  An off-duty policeman, some recycled farm fencing and a very large roll of baler twine have been sent, in an attempt to create a secure cordon.

2.       After nearly fifteen months, a piece of the missing Bromham tractor has been found under a hedge near Trowbridge, nearly seven miles from the now-abandoned search area.  Experts from Bromham have been converging on the site, in an attempt to identify the wreckage using forensic methods.  The tractor went missing in mysterious circumstances and, despite extensive surveillance over surrounding parts of Wiltshire, to date no trace of the doomed tractor had ever been found.  Trowbridge has a reputation as the Bermuda Triangle of Wiltshire.

3.       For details of these and all other Bromham stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station Carrot FM.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Beetroot & Goat's Cheese Gratin

Recipe for: BEETROOT & GOAT’S CHEESE GRATIN

Ingredients:

·         500g beetroots, scrubbed, topped & tailed

·         100-150g goat’s cheese (or other soft cheese)

·         1 tblsp horseradish sauce

·         150ml cream, crème fraiche or yoghurt

·         3 tblsp fresh breadcrumbs (optional)

·         3 tblsp freshly-grated parmesan

Method:

1.       Preheat oven to 200C (fan 185C)

2.       Boil the beetroots for 10-15 minutes until tender, but still retaining some bite

3.       Drain and plunge into cold water for a few minutes

4.       When cool enough to handle, slip off any remaining beetroot skin and cut into thick slices

5.       Grease a shallow baking dish with a little butter

6.       Slice the goat’s cheese into small slices

7.       Arrange the beetroot & cheese slices in alternating layers in the greased dish

8.       In another small bowl, mix the horseradish with the cream.  Add salt & pepper

9.       Pour over the beetroot & cheese

10.    Put a layer of breadcrumbs (if using) & grated parmesan over the top of the dish

11.    Bake in the oven for about 10-12 minutes until the cheese is melted and the sauce is bubbling

What else you need to know:

1.       Serve with a green salad and some thick wholemeal bread to mop up the juices

2.       Ideal on its own as a snack meal, or makes an impressive side dish with red meats

Transit of Venus

Transit of Venus

He waits and watches carefully

Afraid to gaze too directly

At what he wishes most to see

For seeming hours-long periods which last but minutes

Terrified that he may miss the moment

When the smallest crescent of black

Floods the lens and resolves itself

Into the small complete spot

The dot of a distant planet at the very edge of vision

Left to right slow moving

Forging a steady path

Traversing the fiercely-blazing

Massive backdrop of the blinding solar orb

Light-pulsing energy

A hot star burning persistent

At astronomic distance from his naked eye

It is only a matter of seconds

Through a particular conjunction

Of elliptical trajectories

And specific circumstances

That she arrives where she does

At these exact co-ordinates

So that he might have the chance

To stare openly at her distant unclothed body

Across the cold expanse of dark empty sky

Although his voyeuristic act of observation

Means nothing to her

And is of no consequence

And as he bends again towards the eyepiece

Of the solar-focused telescope

To follow the heavenly path

And marvel at the beauty of her namesake

His earth-bound Venus

Walks behind and slowly past him

Hidden in the darkness of sun-cast shadows

Making a transit of her own, unseen

Across the space that divides them

Her movement attracting no attention

And within seconds the moment is over

And she is gone again

Her tiny body lost to sight

Pursuing an orbit of her own

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015