The End Of The World (Sorry)

BBC Continuity Announcement – The End Of The World

Thank-you Kirsty Young.  And that was the last in the current series of Desert Island Discs.

And now, before the next programme, we have an important announcement.

Within the last few minutes, the Government has announced that the World will end early tomorrow morning.  The exact time is not currently known.  This is thought to be as the result of the Earth being struck by a massive meteorite from Outer Space.  The planet, its atmosphere, and everything in it, will be utterly destroyed.  All species, including mankind, will wiped from the face of the Earth and become extinct.  Nothing will survive.  The globe will become a burned-out empty cinder, a dead planetary object, destined to circle the Sun for billions of years until our Solar System is itself destroyed when the Universe finally collapses.

The situation is hopeless.  There is nothing you can do.  There is nothing anyone can do.  All precautions, and mitigating actions against cataclysmic Armageddon, are futile. Do not attempt to run.  Do not attempt to hide.  There is nowhere you can go.

The Government suggests that, in the last few hours before certain annihilation, citizens should seek to gather their loved ones around them, to make their peace with whatever spiritual deity they happen to believe in, and to return all library books in good time.

In the light of this rather unique situation, there will be a few changes to tomorrow’s schedules on BBC Radio 4:

·         The Today programme, hosted by John Humphrys,  will begin half an hour earlier than normal, to allow time for a studio discussion between the leading political parties on the implications for mankind, and to discuss whose particular policies are to blame for the current meteorite crisis;

·         The Thought For The Day slot will be extended from its normal two minutes to three hours, as the leader of one of our major religious sects seeks to grapple with the spiritual meaning of this particular End of Days.  This will be set against the decision by the Synod of The Church of England to attempt to finally rush through a vote on the ordination of Women Bishops;

·         The scheduled edition of Gardeners’ Question Time will be postponed indefinitely, pending improved weather conditions for planting out Spring bulbs;

·         The Weather Forecast will focus on the short –term picture only, and will drop its normal medium and long-range forecasts;

·         A special programme will be broadcast, hosted by Melvyn Bragg, together with a panel of experts, who will debate the issue “Destruction Of The Earth – What Will This Mean For Arts Funding?”;

·         Next week’s edition of Moneybox – Live, with Paul Lewis, will be brought forward to give listeners the opportunity to phone in with their questions on what this will mean for mortgages, lending and saving rates.  Listeners are encouraged to call in early, as this is expected to be a very busy programme;

·         And, finally, all other programmes originally scheduled to be broadcast before the week-end, will now be available early on i-Player.  Don’t forget – you can either listen now, or you can download the programmes for listening later.  Well, before, lunchtime anyway.

We realise that some listeners may find the contents of this bulletin slightly upsetting.  If you, or anyone you know, have been affected by the issues raised, there is a special Helpline which you can call.  The number is charged at local rates for calls from land-lines, but your network operator may charge more for calls from mobiles.  This service is not available to callers outside the UK.

Anyway - now it’s time for today’s edition of The Archers, where there’s consternation in The Bull at the falling price of dairy cattle.

CUE – Archers’ Theme

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013