The Anti-Bucket List

The Anti-Bucket List or “empty” bucket list.  Perhaps it’s a “fuck it” list?

What’s this with working through a “bucket list”?

Things to experience before you die?

Can’t you just do that stuff anyway?

Without having to explain the reasons why?

After all, we’re all going to kick that bucket,

Albeit some of us quicker than others,

So I’ve devised a different strategy -

Listen here, sisters and brothers.

I’m taking the opposite approach,

One that’s simpler to put into action,

Cause you can do it all from your armchair -

In fact that’s its greatest attraction.

It’s all a matter of understanding oneself,

Coming to terms with one’s languor,

Of keeping all calm and collected,

And of one’s energy not turning to anger.

It’ll save me both time and good money,

And I’ll recommend it strongly to you.

So here’s a good solid agenda,

A list of things I’m NOT going to do.

I shan’t play for Yorkshire at cricket,

Nor wear the England shirt at football,

No ski-ing, or playing golf, or athletics,

In fact taking part in no sport at all.

So that also rules out the Olympics,

And trying to run a four-minute mile,

Running a marathon’s preposterous -

I can be lying in bed all the while.

Zip-lining, bungee-jumping, paragliding,

Activities designed to introduce strife,

Water-ski-ing, wing-walking or parachuting,

Anything where I’d have to hang on for dear life.

I’m not going swimming with dolphins,

Or any creatures that live in the sea.

Leave them all to their watery habitat,

Because it’ll never be of interest to me.

There’s no time to learn Chinese,

Or Serbo-Croat, that’s what I’ve thought,

Or Russian, Mongolian, Urdu or Swahili –

In fact - let’s face it – life’s just too short!

  

And don’t ask me to keep chickens,

Goats & sheep hold no interest I confess,

I couldn’t be bothered with bees or with pigs,

And I’d refuse to clean up all of their mess.

I won’t ever be a space tourist,

Nor take a personal trip to the Moon.

It’s easier to stay back here on Earth,

Than make it to Mars anytime soon.

I refuse to ever eat in McDonalds or at Nando’s,

And to KFC I’ve always said nay.

I’ve so far managed to avoid food poisoning,

And I’d like to keep it that way!

So forgive me if I don’t want to climb Everest,

And avoid all of this other craziness.

Give me a break for the time I’ve got left,

And indulge me this life of laziness.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2018