Health, wealth & happiness: (or how I was persuaded to seek health & youth, but gave it all up for booze & fags)
Now I’m the first to admit,
Although I’m certainly not
wealthy,
I’d like to try & live
as long as I can,
And that includes being
healthy.
My other half – she looked
hard at me,
And cast her critical eye.
“You need to get into
shape” she said
And here are some ideas
you can try.
She reeled off a number of
therapies:
In fact she became quite
verbal.
They were mostly New Age
& Modern:
Some were Chinese and some
were herbal.
I started on aroma therapy
Which created a wonderful
smell.
But that just made me
sleepy,
And off the treatment
table I fell.
So nursing some bumps
& some bruises,
I went to see a
chiropractor.
She caused me so much pain
that I cried.
And I’m afraid that I then
sacked her.
So seeking for calmer
approaches,
I tried ayurvedic head
massage.
It brought a smile to my
lips,
And peace to my ugly
visage.
Hypnotherapy, meditation
& yoga,
And various types of new
diet:
Wheat-free, dairy-free and
Atkins -
If it was faddy, I just
had to try it.
Reflexology, and ear
candling,
And all sorts of new
medication.
Then finally I built
myself up to try
Transcendental meditation.
This led to a new feeling
of calmness:
My chakras were all in a
line.
I started to feel so much
better:
I fact I felt really quite
fine.
And this was all very well
for a while,
But it merely calmed my mental state:
I needed something else
for my body -
A new person I wanted to
create.
So I started to become
more ambitious:
It’s what you do at such a
juncture. -
Manipulation,
electro-therapy,
And finally some acupuncture.
With needles all over my
body,
My wellness began to
increase.
If I could just push to
the next stage -
Well – wonders might never
cease.
I looked out for more
treatments:
Anything health-like
related.
Until finally I succumbed,
And had my colon
irrigated.
It’s called hydro-therapy,
But there’s no need to sob
-
It was all quite pleasant
really,
And much easier than my
later boob-job.
For I’d become addicted to
nips and to tucks:
I didn’t need to be urged
on.
I was even getting a
discount
From my cosmetic surgeon.
But I suppose it’s the
human condition,
To look for something more
exotic,
When your diet gets
increasingly boring,
And everything’s become
pro-biotic.
Then finally the
treatments stopped working:
What was once tight now
only sags.
Anyway I’ve discovered a
new diet –
It consists of chips, of
beer and of fags.
So let this story become a
warning to you:
Don’t think you can make
yourself healthy.
Just stick with what you
know,
And that way you might
keep yourself wealthy.
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