Garden Centre

Garden Centre

Let’s go to the Garden Centre,

Cause I fancy a real cracking day out,

Let’s throw caution to the wind,

Let’s pile in the car together -

We’ll have a great time, without any doubt!

 

It’s signposted from miles away,

With a range of those little brown signs.

The car parks are the size of an airfield,

The traffic all arranged into lines,

It’s a long walk - that can’t be denied,

So then you have to decide, whether to pick up a guide

Or to go with the Park and Ride.

 

Cos the long path weaves around and around,

Till you hear the loud shrieking sound,

Of youngsters in the children’s playground,

Going right past the meerkats’ mound,

And then suddenly you’re found

Near animal corner with its small pets,

Beside the picnic and patio sets,

Ornamental features with water jets,

Fish-pools, fishing equipment and nets.

 

See - it’s not just about plants, or about trees,

And flowers that appeal to the bees,

Cos grandma likes to go to the café for teas,

Where she sits amongst the cabbages and peas:

No – there’s so much more to amuse,

Many more things from which you can choose,

Cos when you finally get to the main complex,

As you poke your head through the swing-door,

Penetrate much further inside the store,

The panorama across the vast floor,

You’re taken on a grand tour,

Across a huge range of departments.

 

By now you’ll be desperate,

So it’s first stop at the toilets,

To prepare you for the rigours ahead,

As through long snaking aisles you’ll be led,

In case you’d like to buy a new bed,

For it has to be said, get it into your head,

Things have changed in these days -

Retail is different in so many ways.

You’re drawn deep into a maze,

It all becomes a thick haze,

A kaleidoscope of offers you’re copping,

A blitz of ideas that are topping,

But it’s tiring, you’re ready for flopping,

You need a rest from all of this shopping….

 

Yes, let’s go the Garden Centre,

Just let me be your mentor -

How much more could you want?

There’s three cafes and a restaurant!

Indulge in their Special Meal Deal,

We can eat and drink whatever we feel,

We can wait for our blisters to heal,

Then we can finally steal…

…Through interior furnishings,

Give the sofas a test, be our guest,

Sit down for a rest, pick out the best,

Then to household wares,

Without any cares, gloves and wellies in pairs

The gift shop with its presents,

Dream-catchers and candles with scents,

Then another quick trip to the gents,

A wide range of new knick-knacks,

Arranged in long tempting racks,

And low-priced multiple packs,

Stationery and multi-coloured tacks,

It’s the unnecessary taken to the max….

 

Oh please, let’s go to The Garden Centre,

Let’s have a wild, mad adventure,

It’s no longer a horticultural bore,
That’s not what it’s there for,

It’s more of a department store,

It’s a Grand Day Out for pensioners,

And those who have nowhere else to go,

A meeting-point for those in the know,

A real destination that puts on a show,

You don’t need to mow, to hoe, or to sow -

Just turn up and go with the flow,

Till you develop a warm glow.

 

Warm in the Winter, and cool in the Summer,

There’s a bookshop, a crèche, a bar to get blotto,

There’s even a year-round Christmas grotto,

A biosphere, a Nature Reserve right here ,

And multiple concession stands,

At week-ends they even have bands!

Finance and credit facilities, building supplies,

Landscaping services, no-one denies,

With tool and machinery hire, this place is on fire!

 

Vouchers and tokens, a loyalty card…

Our pleasure would only be marred,

And it would be too hard, if we were barred

By the security guard….

 

But, look now, it’s started to rain -

Just forget everything I previously said -

Perhaps we should go to the seaside instead?

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022