Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 29th January 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 29^th January 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      As January enters its 55^th day and 8^th weekend, D-Town residents can finally see pay-day in sight.  Emerging, blinking into the light, from the dark holes in the ground they’d built for themselves over Christmas, New Year and Dry January, people are looking forward to a diet that consists of something more than leftover turkey & sprouts, broken Pringles, Pot Noodles and roasted roadkill. 

2.      And, in a fit of no-better-options, the Leader of the Council has just sacked the leader of his own party.  An internal enquiry had concluded that Ivor Bloodycheek had failed to properly cover up his mis-dealings with HMRC, failed to lie through his teeth effectively, and failed to present a half-way credible denial that he wanted to spend more time with his money.  As such, he had become a liability to the Party, since he could not present a truly professional front as an arrogant and over-privileged Tory. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 22nd January 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 22^nd January 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      A D-Town councillor will retain his place at The Town Hall after recent irregularities were fully explained.  Despite eating several cuddly kittens (“an oversight”), running over two children in his Audi (“a simple careless mistake”) and beating his mistress to within an inch of her life (“look, I’ve owned up straight away and apologised”), police have decided to take no further action.  A line will now be drawn, and we can all move on.  Thank goodness for that. 

2.      And a man from The Vize has decided to give up driving his car for good.  After discovering the recent rise in the cost of fuel, he declared “look, there’s just nothing left in the tank.  I think it’s time to move on.”  He is reported to be starting a new career as a cyclist, or possibly a pedestrian. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

New Year, Old Year

New Year, Old Year

And so the question comes around again,

About hopes and wishes and resolution,

Determinations for another new year,

Or to simply avoid it – that’d be a solution!

 

Whether to create new personal targets,

To set oneself up for yet another fall,

Or be more realistic of weaknesses,

And admit that you’ll fail at them all.

 

As if a New Year creates a new life,

Where things will be different and strange,

Rather than some random point in time,

Invented by humans to mark out a change.

 

It’s just a certain mark in the calendar,

A cold counting of months and of days,

And to track the moon’s movements,

The lunar waxings and wanings of ways.

 

Just cast your mind back to last year -

What were all the things you promised you’d do?

No - I can’t remember them either!

All forgotten – isn’t that true?

 

So what’s the point of doing it all over?

You won’t get any fitter or slimmer,

You probably won’t save any more money -

There isn’t a chance – not a glimmer!

 

Life will continue the way it always does

The only sure things are death and tax,

So just be a little more practical -

Be at peace with yourself - and relax!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

Resolution

Resolution

Oh it will be different this time,

And things are going to change around here.

I’ve made up my mind, you see,

As we head out into the New Year.

 

I’m going to give up on the smoking:

I’ve got no further use for the fags.

No longer will tobacco hold me in thrall:

I’ve taken my very last drags.

 

I’ll have to cut down on my drinking,

And make no exceptions for beer.

Cause alcohol’s doing me no good,

And chewing up my liver I fear.

 

And getting much thinner’s a must:

I’m going to lose lots of weight.

I’ll be a quite different person,

When I get down to nine stone eight!

 

There’s going to be more exercise,

As part of my new daily routine.

I just can’t wait to get on with it -

Yes – I’m really terribly keen!

 

And I’m going to get my finances in order –

I’ll be saving more, do you hear?

And I’ll be simply rolling in money,

When we get to the end of the year.

 

It’s just a matter of discipline,

And plotting progress on a chart.

Oh yes, I really mean it this time -

I’m going to make a completely new start.

 

You’re looking at someone with resolution,

Whatever it costs me in sorrow.

All I have to do is to get started,

But I can worry about that tomorrow!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

New Year

New Year 

Haven’t we been here before?

Weren’t we here last year?

Didn’t we sing that same old song

When we couldn’t remember all the words?

Didn’t we shake hands, embrace or kiss

Our dearest loved ones

Or those who were merely nearest

Who we may never see again

And ardently wish them All The Best

For yet another year?

 

But what exactly lies ahead?

Surely just another set of days

Of twenty-four hour periods

Of dark and light

Dictated by the planet

As it spins upon its axis

And orbits around its feeble sun

In our lonely, empty Solar System

Where the ticks of Time

Are dictated by space

Gravity and physics

 

But then these groups of seven

That regulate our working and our resting cycles

The days and weeks and months

With their pagan and Roman names

That no-one can quite explain

That set out and delineate our lives

The paying of wages and the salaries

Shopping, driving, eating and sleeping

Laughing and loving, screaming and shouting

And the same old, same old for another year

Are those of mere mortal star-gazers

Astrologers and mathematicians

Emperors and philosophers

Who chose to give their names

To bring about some apparent order

In to our chaotic lives

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 1st January 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 1^st January 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      With the cost-of-living crisis in full swing, D-Town’s New Year celebrations this year were understandably more muted than usual.  Following a round of halves of shandy in Wetherspoons (buy six, get a seventh free), a civic banquet of pickled eggs in packets of cheese & onion crisps was served outside on the picnic tables in the Market Place.  Speeches were held, after which some of the local unruly yoof were ceremonially dipped/ thrown into the fountain and their hoodies removed.  On the stroke of midnight, through a constant downpour of drizzle, a sole sparkler was lit and waved in the air to spell out “2023” as the crowd reluctantly mumbled the few words of “Auld Lang Syne” that they could still remember. 

2.      As today is New Year’s Day, but also a Sunday, tomorrow, which is a Monday, will now be stepping in to play Sunday, and will therefore be a Bank Holiday.  Everything will be shut today, and will be shut again tomorrow.  The day after that is Tuesday, but won’t be a Bank Holiday, because Monday will have already done that (in place of Sunday, remember?).  That means it should be bin day, but it won’t be for Tuesday bin-day people, because that will now need to be on Wednesday.  Tuesday WILL be bin-day, but not in the normal way, only for people who are Monday bin-day people, because they won’t have had a collection because Monday was a Bank Holiday.  It’s all quite simple.  Things should be back to normal by April, when it will be time for Easter, when there will be more Bank Holidays to bugger everything up again. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023