Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 26th May 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 26^th May 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The General Election campaign has got underway at a local level, with all parties vying to publish the most eye-catching policies.  The first blow has been struck by the Tories who want to bring back National Service.  In a direct dog-whistle to their gammon demographic, the party has further announced a whole raft of back-up measures, including the re-employment of small children to climb the chimneys of D-Town’s Grade 2-listed buildings, and a gradual move back towards the good old days of malnutrition and rickets. 

2.    DIA (D-Town International Airways) has apologised to passengers who were caught up in last week’s flight from D-Town to Chipping Sodbury (change for Basingstoke) which was caught in “unexpected” turbulence over the Cotswolds.  A spokesman for the airline said that it fell far short of its normal standards.  “We pride ourselves on flying through expected turbulence and giving our passengers an experience they’ll never forget,” he said.  “But this particular turbulence had not been booked or scheduled by us, and we shall be having a frank exchange of tea and biscuits with the Met Office”. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 19th May 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 19^th May 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      People across the UK were making a big deal of seeing the Aurora Borealis this week.  For D-Town this was nothing new at all.  People in The Vize have been seeing flashing lights in the sky for years, usually after falling out of the pub following the consumption of several pints of Waddie’s “Skullcrusher” IPA.  This local delicacy is made using water drawn from the less-than-pristine waters of the K&A canal, and traditionally served in a dirty glass. 

2.    And the new series of “Dr. Who” has landed on UK TV screens.  Again this is nothing of much remark to our benighted locals, who have been living in the past for years.  Anyone will tell you that passing through the portals of The Exchange Nightclub is equivalent to threading through a space/ time continuum, where you will meet strange, inexplicable alien creatures who have difficulty expressing themselves to mere humans.  

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 8th May 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 5^th May 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Following Russell Brand’s “totally sincere” conversion from Buddhism to Christianity, and consequent baptism in the River Thames (a true case of a shit within the shit), it has been revealed by a local newspaper hack that when the moral pariah lived in D-Town in one of his previous many lives, he had previously converted from toe-rag to twat-face, from narcissist to self-publicist, and from utter plonker to absolute knob-head.  The Pope is said to be so disgusted by the news that he is thinking of converting from Roman Catholicism to Methodist Fundamentalist.  And at least one colony of bears has refused to enter the local woods. 

2.    And people partied in the streets of The Vize almost up until the 9.30pm curfew, as they celebrated a swing of almost 0.0001% in the voting for local Police Commissioner, returning a Tory candidate for the 347^th time in a row.  In a record turnout of almost 11% the role was retained by the Tories, snatching victory from Labour and Independent candidates by almost 7 votes.  If this result were reflected in the anticipated upcoming General Election, the good people of D-Town will be electing a turd with a blue flag sticking out of it. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024