News From Bromham - Dateline Sunday 20th September 2015

Bulletin From Bromham: Dateline – Sunday 20^th September 2015

                                             

Here is our weekly round-up of events from Bromham:

1.       Bromham’s Foreign Ministry has been criticised after erecting a barbed wire fence on the border with Seend in a blatant attempt to prevent the migration of refugees fleeing the civil war.  This represents a complete u-turn in policy after Mrs Hicks (the blousy blonde on the High Street, whose husband is always away on business) had earlier invited a homeless Seend family to come and stay with her, thus provoking a tidal wave of sanction-seekers.

2.       This week marks the 75^th anniversary of the Battle of Bromham, when villagers stood shoulder to shoulder to defend the free area of Bromham from invasion by the Trowbridge jackboot of county red-tape.  As the Chairman of the Parish Council once remarked: “never has do much been owed to so few vegetable-pickers” and “we will fight them in the fields, and in the packing sheds, and behind the delivery lorries” and “I have nothing to give you but beetroots, carrots and parsnips”.  It is thought he had been drinking, and possibly reading the Daily Mail (again).

3.       For details of these and all other Bromham stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station Carrot FM.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Fielding An Illegible Player

Fielding An Illegible Player

I thought at first it was just a slip of the tongue

A simple error that anyone could make

But as I spread the marmalade upon my toast

And heard him explain some more about it

I better understood what it was that he was saying

When he announced that my local club

Would be punished with a points deduction

A reprimand and a swingeing fine

It appeared the team had broken the rules

And fielded what he said was an illegible player

Which is a rather different thing

And as the sports reporter’s voice carried on

The breakfast table began to fade away

And I was transported back to the touchline

From where I’d watched on Saturday last

And where I’d sought in vain to spot the winger

His whereabouts were uncertain, if not obscure

I just couldn’t make him out at all

A pass went out to him, to run down the wing

In an attempt, perhaps, to defeat the off-side trap

But he just wasn’t there, and the ball ran into touch

His position being indecipherable

His off-the-ball movement unreadable

He was totally anonymous in the game

Occupying a lacuna of space out on the right

An unseen presence, missing in action

His role in the side no more than a mystery

The meaning something I couldn’t even guess

Then the room came sharply back into focus

With the shelf and the radio all present

The toast soft and buttery in my hand

My mug of tea gone cold and un-drunk

And the announcer now on a different story

Having moved on from the offence and investigation

To the scores elsewhere in the league

I’m still not sure that I’d heard him quite right

But upon more sober reflection

I think he’d used the right word after all

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Hanging On

Hanging On

The frustration of not being able to get through, to send & receive clearly, on demand, but to be at the mercy of technology, time & cyberspace.

I thought it was meant to be progress?

This stuff they call technology?

My smart-phone’s turned into a dumb-phone,

And 4G’sjust  a piece of kidology.

I don’t want to download, I don’t want to upload,

I don’t want to jabber in code:

I just want to talk to the bloke who lives down the road.

This lack of signal’s a pain, I’m giving myself wrist-sprain

I’m going insane, whilst trying to gain

The position to “send” once again

I’d be in my element, I’d become a real gent

If this text could be sent

But instead I’m reduced to railing

Cos the damned thing keeps failing

The designer of this should be quailing

If I got near him he’d be wailing

I’d want the bugger jailing

I get really riled, each time when I’ve dialled

One of the numbers I’ve filed

When it says it’s unknown, then it fails with a groan

And I can’t find a dial-tone, or enough bars on the phone

I’ll admit that I’ve cried, whenever I’ve tried

To follow the User Guide, then I get “Access Denied”

I’ve even tried bending

To improve the chances of sending

It’s my money I’m spending

But the damned things always offending

My hair I’m tearing and rending

The problems are never-ending

And my messages and calls are tending

To a status of “pending”

Why can’t I get through? 

What am I supposed to do?

I think I should sue!

I’m clearly stating, that this situation I’m hating

I’m fed up of waiting, the problem’s never-abating

It shouldn’t fail, it’s not the Holy Grail!

Not on this scale, it’s beyond the pale

So I think I’ll give up and go back to email

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Tasting Notes

Tasting Notes

The world is full of wonderful wine,

So many that it’s very hard to choose.

But you’re supposed to be particular,

Not just knock it back like booze.

So I was dragged along to a wine tasting,

Then told to wait patiently and sit,

But the biggest shock I got that night,

Was being told not to swallow, but to spit!

Apparently, you can’t just rush in:

You’re supposed to take your time, and savour it.

If you go and drink it too quickly,

You’ll not discover your favourite.

There was a method and a protocol,

I soon learnt, that had to be observed,

Although I’d have liked to just get on with it,

From quaffing too quickly I had to be deterred.

Firstly they all gazed upon its colour,

Finding words to describe its “shades” and its “tints”,

So I swallowed a few mouthfuls,

And listened to them talking of “hints”.

Then there was some swirling around in the glass,

To develop the “bouquet” and the “aroma”:

But I decided to just finish my glass,

Before I slept, or fell into a coma.

I thought after that we’d get on with it,

But they started mentioning the “nose”,

So I started sipping a bit more of it -

What they were waiting for, God Alone knows.

Then, finally, they got on to the drinking,

And to their palates (that means the taste),

But I was already way ahead of them,

I drank a bit more, no time to waste.

They started swirling it all round their mouths,

And rolling their eyes as they savoured,

And sucking in air, and pinching their cheeks,

Was another method they favoured.

Then they spit it all out in front of me!

And started describing it as “amusing”.

It was “intense”, some called it “immense”,

But I just found their chatter confusing.

  

Now I can’t see the point of spitting it out,

Once you’ve got the stuff in your gob,

So I carried right on swallowing,

Trying my best not to look like a yob.

They were on about it being “floral”,

It was “delicate” I must understand,

And when they said it was “well-balanced”,

By this time, I had a glass in each hand.

I couldn’t frown, as I let it slip down -

They said it was “full-bodied” and “smooth” -

But by now I was cursed, with a great raging thirst,

And my drinking was looking uncouth.

The “complex notes” passed by their throats,

And there were “distinctive undertones”,

But this “fragrant” medium, had turned into tedium,

As I threw back the Cotes de Rhone.

At lasht they were talking of the “finish”,

Of how the “fragrant notes” really shung.

They were lying, to call it shatisfying,

The tashte hung around on my teeth & my tongue.

To be perfectly honesht, I’d had enough,

My legsh felt shaky; I went t’wards the door,

Everything looked all kind of doubled;

I needed no more, as slowly I shlid to the floor.

Sho take the moral of thish shtory;

And lishen to me when I try hard to shpeak:

Don’t drink too fasht, try and make it lasht,

And – shorry – I’ve to dash for a leak!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

A Different Country

A Different Country

Things were different way back then

We accepted different things

How our heroes sailed before the mast

And behaved the way they did

Because no-one knew to stop them

But today we’re ready to talk about the past

Seeds sown so many years ago

Lain dormant, suddenly awaking

And tear-watered, flourish fast

And grow into monstrous shapes

Cast long shadows on the guilty

And leave the public quite aghast

A long, long shameful silence

Brooding on bottled-up emotions

And how history’s since been cast

Now emerging into light of day

And moved to naming famous names

How could they expect such lies to last?

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Killer In The Village

Killer In The Village

There’s a killer in our village

And he’s not been brought to justice

He’s out there right now

Walking round a free man

Because no-one knows

About his guilty secret

There’s a killer in our village

He’s just an ordinary guy

With a wife and children

Worrying about his credit card

And his hefty mortgage

Perhaps the same as you and I

There’s a killer in our village

And everybody knows his name

They see him down the pub

And he plays on all the local teams

They’ve been known to pat him on the back

When he makes a winning score

There’s a killer in our village

Who knows how to hit a target

He’s top gun at computer games

With hand/ eye co-ordination

Second-to-none, rated excellent

For a special military job

There’s a killer in our village

Yet no-one lives in any fear

He drives over to the airbase

And he works his every shift

Then he passes through security

And descends in to his bunker

There’s a killer in our village

But no-one’s after him

He peers into his monitor

Yet he’s never in any danger

For he’s a pilot who always stays at home

And flies the drones in Afghanistan

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

The Ten Golden Rules of Soap Opera

The Ten Golden Rules Of Soap Opera

Soaps the world over, whether on TV or radio, seem to share some universal rules.  Some of these defy real-world logic, or are counter-intuitive.  To assist you in coping with this nightmare, here are the ten major rules with explanation & illustration.

1.       IF SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN, THE  OPPOSITE THING IS THE MOST LIKELY OUTCOME

a.        E.g.  “Everything’s going to be fine from now on” – means disaster will shortly ensue

b.       Pretty much everything on soaps gets jinxed, especially relationships

c.        When two people are in love, or state that they are “solid”, one or other of them will immediately be unfaithful with someone else in the next episode

d.       If anyone looks really happy, without a care in the world, they are about to die

e.       If anyone says that something is secret, within a few minutes most of the cast will know

f.         If anyone says that they are “going to take care of” another person, they are about to abandon them

2.       TIME AND SPACE ARE ENTIRELY FLEXIBLE

a.        Yesterday it may have taken half an hour to get from someone’s home to the hospital, but today it might only take two minutes

b.       Any UK city mentioned by name is a major journey away, taking many hours or days to get there.  It is almost impossible to get back because high-speed buses and trains do not exist.  Landlines & mobiles will not work either, so all contact will be lost. Going to Southampton, for example, is equivalent to being banished to Siberia

c.        However, any foreign country in any part of the globe can be reached within the hour

d.       Anyone who goes to visit their Aunt in Hull for a month will come back with bleached hair and a sun-tan

e.       No matter how many family members, girl-friends, boy-friends and lodgers live in a house, there are always enough bedrooms and bathrooms to go round.  But there will be no milk in the fridge

3.       SOONER OR LATER, SORAS AFFECTS EVERYONE 

a.        SORAS is Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome. One day a child may be only 5, and the next he might be 15, but you just have to go along with it.  E.g. in Coronation Street Tracey Barlow went upstairs as a 9-year-old child and returned nearly thirteen years later as a fully-grown woman.  This passed without remark

b.       When a child character is suddenly replaced by a completely different actor, nobody notices

c.        As soon as any character over 60 is seen to forget something more than once, they immediately become 80 and start suffering from advanced dementia

4.       IF SOMEONE IS MURDERED, THERE MUST BE AT LEAST THREE SUSPECTS 

a.        The most hated characters are the most susceptible to murder mystery storylines

b.       The most loved characters will become unwittingly embroiled, repeatedly incriminating themselves

c.        All the suspects, good or bad, will suddenly start behaving differently, leaving a swathe of ambiguous clues

d.       The police will suspect, arrest and threaten each suspect in serial fashion, before admitting they are baffled

e.       Everyone will be convinced that they know who did it, and will say so, and will be wrong

f.         The actual murderer will finally turn out to be someone completely different

5.       IF ANYONE HAS SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE THERE WILL BE UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCES

a.        Some-one, usually an existing partner, will be watching from the shadows.  However, the guilty couple will always share a “secret” kiss on the doorstep the morning after, and will look furtively in both directions before sneaking off, so this is not always needed

b.       The woman will always get pregnant

c.        If the pregnancy is unwanted, it never ends in abortion, no matter how many times the woman goes to the abortion clinic or discusses it with others

d.       The foetus is always referred to as “the baby” as soon as the pregnancy test-kit hits the rubbish-bin

6.       THERE TENDS TO BE THREE OR MORE CHARACTERS IN ANY LOCATION AT ONE TIME

a.        If five or more characters are in one place at one time, something interesting is probably going to happen, probably a major row or misunderstanding

b.       If a location is shown, it will never be empty.  People will quickly crowd in to have an argument about something

c.        There is a very strong possibility that most of these people will be related to each other

7.       THERE IS NO LIMIT TO THE NUMBER OF SKELETONS ANY CHARACTER CAN HAVE IN THEIR CUPBOARD

a.        No-one is immune to having a secret illegitimate child, having served an undisclosed prison sentence, or being an undischarged bankrupt.  It follows that every character is open to blackmail from any other character who discovers this, before the rest of the cast find out

b.       Everyone has a long-lost sister, brother, mother, father or extremely significant person in their lives, who (inexplicably) has never been mentioned before they suddenly turn up on the doorstep

c.        Any major secret is revealed in public in the worst possible circumstances, in the pub, usually on Christmas Day

8.        MOST PEOPLE DON’T LEAD NORMAL LIVES

a.        No two characters have the same Christian name, so there is never any confusion in conversation

b.       Everyone eats, drinks, works & procreates within 100 yards of their own house

c.        Virtually everyone is self-employed and therefore has totally flexible hours & an indeterminate income.  Equally there is a never-ending supply of local casual work, which usually falls into the lap of the most desperate person

d.       No-one has a bank account, any savings or insurance.  Rental & mortgage payments are never paid from a bank account – indeed all transactions are conducted in cash

e.       Merely working a couple of shifts, adding up to just ten hours a week, provides enough income to pay rent, buy food & drink, maintain a large family and to conduct a normal lifestyle

f.         No-one goes to the toilet, washes their own clothes, cleans their house, or watches TV (especially soap operas)

g.        In the pub & the café, no-one ever mentions religion, politics or world affairs

h.       People never make appointments or check availability – they just drop in and the person is always there and available.  And when there is a knock or ring on the door, it is always answered instantly, and without checking who is there first

i.         When confidential information has to be shared, it is always done in the most public place, in normal audible voices.  It follows that someone will be eaves-dropping, which makes it strange that the characters are always flabbergasted when the secret gets out, and will blame each other for being indiscreet

9.       THE IMMEDIATE NEIGHBOURHOOD IS THE MOST DANGEROUS PLACE ON THE PLANET

a.        More happens in half an hour on set than happens in most people’s whole lifetimes

b.       There are more cases of arson, robberies, rapes, assaults and murders in one square mile than happen the UK in the course of a whole year

c.        If characters are driving in a car, the car will probably crash, injuring or killing one or both occupants.  It will never be a minor fender-bender, with both parties merely exchanging insurance details

d.       Leaves fall off the trees in January and start growing again in January

e.       If a plot-line runs out of steam, at the drop of a hat, a character will decide to leave the neighbourhood for good. The manner of their departure e.g. taxi, private car, bus or tube is a function of their status in the soap, and is a strong indicator of the likelihood of their future return to a new plot-line a few months later

10.    IN THE MAJORITY OF CASES, A DEAD PERSON IS NOT REALLY DEAD 

a.        If the body hasn’t been found, the person’s alive

b.       If the body is unidentifiable without medical records, it belongs to someone else

c.        If someone says, “Don’t worry, he/she/it’s dead,” he/she/it is probably alive

d.       Even if the body has been found, the person might still not be dead

e.       Even if a funeral has been held, the character may come back in some form e.g. as a ghost

f.         The most usual cause of death is that the real-life actor has been sent to prison for child abuse, or has been asking for more money, or has had their contract terminated

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015