The Ten Golden Rules of Soap Opera

The Ten Golden Rules Of Soap Opera

Soaps the world over, whether on TV or radio, seem to share some universal rules.  Some of these defy real-world logic, or are counter-intuitive.  To assist you in coping with this nightmare, here are the ten major rules with explanation & illustration.

1.       IF SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN, THE  OPPOSITE THING IS THE MOST LIKELY OUTCOME

a.        E.g.  “Everything’s going to be fine from now on” – means disaster will shortly ensue

b.       Pretty much everything on soaps gets jinxed, especially relationships

c.        When two people are in love, or state that they are “solid”, one or other of them will immediately be unfaithful with someone else in the next episode

d.       If anyone looks really happy, without a care in the world, they are about to die

e.       If anyone says that something is secret, within a few minutes most of the cast will know

f.         If anyone says that they are “going to take care of” another person, they are about to abandon them

2.       TIME AND SPACE ARE ENTIRELY FLEXIBLE

a.        Yesterday it may have taken half an hour to get from someone’s home to the hospital, but today it might only take two minutes

b.       Any UK city mentioned by name is a major journey away, taking many hours or days to get there.  It is almost impossible to get back because high-speed buses and trains do not exist.  Landlines & mobiles will not work either, so all contact will be lost. Going to Southampton, for example, is equivalent to being banished to Siberia

c.        However, any foreign country in any part of the globe can be reached within the hour

d.       Anyone who goes to visit their Aunt in Hull for a month will come back with bleached hair and a sun-tan

e.       No matter how many family members, girl-friends, boy-friends and lodgers live in a house, there are always enough bedrooms and bathrooms to go round.  But there will be no milk in the fridge

3.       SOONER OR LATER, SORAS AFFECTS EVERYONE 

a.        SORAS is Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome. One day a child may be only 5, and the next he might be 15, but you just have to go along with it.  E.g. in Coronation Street Tracey Barlow went upstairs as a 9-year-old child and returned nearly thirteen years later as a fully-grown woman.  This passed without remark

b.       When a child character is suddenly replaced by a completely different actor, nobody notices

c.        As soon as any character over 60 is seen to forget something more than once, they immediately become 80 and start suffering from advanced dementia

4.       IF SOMEONE IS MURDERED, THERE MUST BE AT LEAST THREE SUSPECTS 

a.        The most hated characters are the most susceptible to murder mystery storylines

b.       The most loved characters will become unwittingly embroiled, repeatedly incriminating themselves

c.        All the suspects, good or bad, will suddenly start behaving differently, leaving a swathe of ambiguous clues

d.       The police will suspect, arrest and threaten each suspect in serial fashion, before admitting they are baffled

e.       Everyone will be convinced that they know who did it, and will say so, and will be wrong

f.         The actual murderer will finally turn out to be someone completely different

5.       IF ANYONE HAS SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE THERE WILL BE UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCES

a.        Some-one, usually an existing partner, will be watching from the shadows.  However, the guilty couple will always share a “secret” kiss on the doorstep the morning after, and will look furtively in both directions before sneaking off, so this is not always needed

b.       The woman will always get pregnant

c.        If the pregnancy is unwanted, it never ends in abortion, no matter how many times the woman goes to the abortion clinic or discusses it with others

d.       The foetus is always referred to as “the baby” as soon as the pregnancy test-kit hits the rubbish-bin

6.       THERE TENDS TO BE THREE OR MORE CHARACTERS IN ANY LOCATION AT ONE TIME

a.        If five or more characters are in one place at one time, something interesting is probably going to happen, probably a major row or misunderstanding

b.       If a location is shown, it will never be empty.  People will quickly crowd in to have an argument about something

c.        There is a very strong possibility that most of these people will be related to each other

7.       THERE IS NO LIMIT TO THE NUMBER OF SKELETONS ANY CHARACTER CAN HAVE IN THEIR CUPBOARD

a.        No-one is immune to having a secret illegitimate child, having served an undisclosed prison sentence, or being an undischarged bankrupt.  It follows that every character is open to blackmail from any other character who discovers this, before the rest of the cast find out

b.       Everyone has a long-lost sister, brother, mother, father or extremely significant person in their lives, who (inexplicably) has never been mentioned before they suddenly turn up on the doorstep

c.        Any major secret is revealed in public in the worst possible circumstances, in the pub, usually on Christmas Day

8.        MOST PEOPLE DON’T LEAD NORMAL LIVES

a.        No two characters have the same Christian name, so there is never any confusion in conversation

b.       Everyone eats, drinks, works & procreates within 100 yards of their own house

c.        Virtually everyone is self-employed and therefore has totally flexible hours & an indeterminate income.  Equally there is a never-ending supply of local casual work, which usually falls into the lap of the most desperate person

d.       No-one has a bank account, any savings or insurance.  Rental & mortgage payments are never paid from a bank account – indeed all transactions are conducted in cash

e.       Merely working a couple of shifts, adding up to just ten hours a week, provides enough income to pay rent, buy food & drink, maintain a large family and to conduct a normal lifestyle

f.         No-one goes to the toilet, washes their own clothes, cleans their house, or watches TV (especially soap operas)

g.        In the pub & the café, no-one ever mentions religion, politics or world affairs

h.       People never make appointments or check availability – they just drop in and the person is always there and available.  And when there is a knock or ring on the door, it is always answered instantly, and without checking who is there first

i.         When confidential information has to be shared, it is always done in the most public place, in normal audible voices.  It follows that someone will be eaves-dropping, which makes it strange that the characters are always flabbergasted when the secret gets out, and will blame each other for being indiscreet

9.       THE IMMEDIATE NEIGHBOURHOOD IS THE MOST DANGEROUS PLACE ON THE PLANET

a.        More happens in half an hour on set than happens in most people’s whole lifetimes

b.       There are more cases of arson, robberies, rapes, assaults and murders in one square mile than happen the UK in the course of a whole year

c.        If characters are driving in a car, the car will probably crash, injuring or killing one or both occupants.  It will never be a minor fender-bender, with both parties merely exchanging insurance details

d.       Leaves fall off the trees in January and start growing again in January

e.       If a plot-line runs out of steam, at the drop of a hat, a character will decide to leave the neighbourhood for good. The manner of their departure e.g. taxi, private car, bus or tube is a function of their status in the soap, and is a strong indicator of the likelihood of their future return to a new plot-line a few months later

10.    IN THE MAJORITY OF CASES, A DEAD PERSON IS NOT REALLY DEAD 

a.        If the body hasn’t been found, the person’s alive

b.       If the body is unidentifiable without medical records, it belongs to someone else

c.        If someone says, “Don’t worry, he/she/it’s dead,” he/she/it is probably alive

d.       Even if the body has been found, the person might still not be dead

e.       Even if a funeral has been held, the character may come back in some form e.g. as a ghost

f.         The most usual cause of death is that the real-life actor has been sent to prison for child abuse, or has been asking for more money, or has had their contract terminated

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015