Shakespeare's Plays Explained in Three Lines

Shakespeare’s Plays explained in three lines

A.     The Comedy of Errors

1.      Two sets of identical twins are separated at birth

2.      One set goes looking for the other set

3.      Everybody gets mixed up and some very high jinks ensue

B.     A Midsummer Night’s Dream

1.      Two couples run into fairy-infested woods

2.      Puck puts a love potion into people’s eyes

3.      Everyone falls in love with the wrong person

C.     The Winter’s Tale

1.      Leontes accuses his wife Hermione of adultery

2.      Some poor guy gets eaten by a bear

3.      Sixteen years later a statue comes to life and all ends well

D.     Troilus And Cressida

1.      Troilus loves Cressida

2.      Cressida is given to the Greeks

3.      Homer’s Iliad happens

E.      Henry VI Part 3

1.      Henry is king (twice)

2.      Edward is king (twice)

3.      Henry dies

F.      Richard II

1.      Richard banishes his cousin Henry

2.      Henry comes back & takes Richard’s crown

3.      Richard dies

G.     Richard III

1.      Richard wants to be king

2.      Richard kills lots of people in order to be king

3.      Richard is killed

H.     Macbeth

1.      Three witches tell Macbeth he will be king

2.      Macbeth kills lots of people in order to be king

3.      Macbeth is killed

I.       Hamlet

1.      The ghost of Hamlet’s father tells Hamlet to avenge him

2.      Hamlet talks a LOT about avenging his father.  I mean on and on and on

3.      Hamlet avenges his father

J.       Julius Caesar

1.      Cassius and Brutus assassinate Julius Caesar

2.      Mark Anthony gives a really long speech

3.      Cassius & Brutus kill themselves

K.     King Lear

1.      Lear gives all his wealth away to two of his three daughters

2.      Lear loses his marbles, big time

3.      Lear dies a miserable old man, along with all three of his daughters

L.      Othello

1.      Othello believes his pretty young wife has deceived him

2.      He kills her in a fit of pique

3.      Lots of people get stabbed and Othello dies. Oh bollocks!

M.   Titus Andronicus

1.      Lots of deaths

2.      More deaths

3.      Just lots and lots of death

BBC Continuity Announcement - The End Of The World

BBC Continuity Announcement – The End Of The World

Thank-you Kirsty Young.  And that was the last in the current series of Desert Island Discs.

And now, before the next programme, we have an important announcement.

Within the last few minutes, the Government has announced that the World will end early tomorrow morning.  The exact time is not currently known.  This is thought to be as the result of the Earth being struck by a massive meteorite from Outer Space.  The planet, its atmosphere, and everything in it, will be utterly destroyed.  All species, including mankind, will wiped from the face of the Earth and become extinct.  Nothing will survive.  The globe will become a burned-out empty cinder, a dead planetary object, destined to circle the Sun for billions of years until our Solar System is itself destroyed when the Universe finally collapses.

The situation is hopeless.  There is nothing you can do.  There is nothing anyone can do.  All precautions, and mitigating actions against cataclysmic Armageddon, are futile. Do not attempt to run.  Do not attempt to hide.  There is nowhere you can go.

The Government suggests that, in the last few hours before certain annihilation, citizens should seek to gather their loved ones around them, to make their peace with whatever spiritual deity they happen to believe in, and to return all library books in good time.

In the light of this rather unique situation, there will be a few changes to tomorrow’s schedules on BBC Radio 4:

·        The Today programme, hosted by John Humphrys,  will begin half an hour earlier than normal, to allow time for a studio discussion between the leading political parties on the implications for mankind, and to discuss whose particular policies are to blame for the current meteorite crisis;

·        The Thought For The Day slot will be extended from its normal two minutes to three hours, as the leader of one of our major religious sects seeks to grapple with the spiritual meaning of this particular End of Days.  This will be set against the decision by the Synod of The Church of England to attempt to finally rush through a vote on the ordination of Women Bishops;

·        The scheduled edition of Gardeners’ Question Time will be postponed indefinitely, pending improved weather conditions for planting out Spring bulbs;

·        The Weather Forecast will focus on the short –term picture only, and will drop its normal medium and long-range forecasts;

·        A special programme will be broadcast, hosted by Melvyn Bragg, together with a panel of experts, who will debate the issue “Destruction Of The Earth – What Will This Mean For Arts Funding?”;

·        Next week’s edition of Moneybox – Live, with Paul Lewis, will be brought forward to give listeners the opportunity to phone in with their questions on what this will mean for mortgages, lending and saving rates.  Listeners are encouraged to call in early, as this is expected to be a very busy programme;

·        And, finally, all other programmes originally scheduled to be broadcast before the week-end, will now be available early on i-Player.  Don’t forget – you can either listen now, or you can download the programmes for listening later.  Well, before, lunchtime anyway.

We realise that some listeners may find the contents of this bulletin slightly upsetting.  If you, or anyone you know, have been affected by the issues raised, there is a special Helpline which you can call.  The number is charged at local rates for calls from land-lines, but your network operator may charge more for calls from mobiles.  This service is not available to callers outside the UK.

Anyway - now it’s time for today’s edition of The Archers, where there’s consternation in The Bull at the falling price of dairy cattle.

CUE – Archers’ Theme

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Things I've Learned From Watching Shakespeare's Plays

The Things I’ve Learned From Watching Shakespeare’s Plays

If you have tears, be prepared to shed them now:

1.      Never poke your sword into the arras, since you might end up killing your girlfriend’s Dad.

2.      If you suspect that your lover has committed suicide, get a proper second medical opinion before doing anything rash, as they might just be in some sort of coma.

3.      Don’t believe in prophecies, as they can be highly misleading.  For example, whole forests can shift their location, for a whole load of reasons – global warming being only the most recent.

4.      It’s a dumb idea to hand over all your assets to your children after you retire, but before you’ve made firm arrangements for your later life care.  Your children may not be as grateful as you might expect and the whole situation could turn nasty.  They may cut the size of your retinue – and who needs that when you’re 80?

5.      When making love to someone in a darkened room, have a chat with them first as it’s amazingly easy to end up having sex with the wrong person.

6.      It’s a good idea to leave quickly when being pursued by a bear.

7.      Don’t count on your friends being the sort of people you want to have closely around you at a toga party.  Knives are very easily concealed as weapons, and likely to lead to such outbursts as “infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!”

8.      If in an enchanted forest, try not to fall asleep.  You may wake up feeling a complete ass. Or fall in love with completely the wrong person.

9.      Boys’ affections can be quite fickle.  For example Romeo was madly in love with Rosaline one minute, the next second he’s head over heels with Juliet.

10.   Do proper research on prices on comparison websites.  For example you can usually get a perfectly good horse for rather less than a kingdom.

11.   Payday lenders sometimes have a role to play.  If your cargo is not delivered on time, even Wonga’s extortionate rate of interest can be preferable to hacking off a pound of your own stomach.

12.   Make sure that you know exactly where your acquaintances are buried. One skull can look very much like another.

13.   Don’t believe all you hear about witches.  If you encounter three ugly old women, gathered around a large cauldron, and cackling in verse incoherently, they are most likely to be the local branch of the WI engaged in their jam-making activities.

14.   If you have tricky-to-remove stains on your hands, try soaking them in a solution of bicarbonate of soda before rushing off to see your psychiatrist.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

A Modern (Pay Day) Service

A Modern Service

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together to bless the opening of this New Credit Service, that lending may be made available to The Poor at Affordable Rates of Interest.

We come to join together this Man and this Woman, and this Pay-Day Lending Company into a Contract, which union is an honourable state, instituted by Wonga itself, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt the rapacious and The Marketplace.  It is also commended by the Holy Writ of the Law to be honourable among all men, and is therefore not to be enterprised, nor taken in hand, unadvisedly, lightly or wantonly; but reverently, discreetly, soberly, and in the fear of Wonga, duly considering the causes for which Usury was first ordained.

Oh Lord, open all our Credit Lines!

And also our Multiples of Borrowing Power!

PRAYER

Let us pray –

Our Wonga, which art in Usury

Hallowed be thy Brand Name

Thy Credit come

Thy Contract be done

Online, as it is by Post

Give us this day our daily money

And forgive our defaults

As we forgive them that default against us

And lead us not into gambling

But deliver us from Scratchcards

Amen

READING

Our reading today is taken from the Gospel of St Mark Carney.

And it came to pass that a Man went up the High Street, where he found many shops selling kebabs and other take-aways.  And, lo, there were charity shops, and estate agents and a pestilence of empty units.  And among them he found many money-lenders - the banks and the building societies and the pawn-shops.  And he waxed wroth, for he found that none of them would lend unto him even one single bean.  For in his past he had been a sinner, and he did have an poor Credit Rating.  And they saith unto him “get ye lost, and do not darken unto our doors again”.  And they did cast him out onto the street.  And thereat he did tear at his clothes in his anger and frustration, and then he did wipe himself down and return to his home, wherof he had first come out.  And thereafter, did he log online, and it was revealed unto him, through the mysteries of cyberspace, that there was yet An Other Way.  And that Other Way was Wonga.  And Wonga.com did offer unto him untold riches, albeit at interest rates that were an Hundredfold, nay an Thousandfold, more than he could ever have afforded.  But he saw it not, and was sore amazed, and saith unto himself “Who is this Wonga?  Surely no-one could have dreamed up such a wheeze?  And Wonga must therefore be my Salvation.”

And this is the word of the Lord King.

Thus into this Unholy Contract, we now come to be joined.  Therefore if any person here present can show any just cause why this Contract should not be signed, let them now speak, or else hereafter hold their Piece of Security.

In that case – let us pay.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

The Ten Golden Rules of Soap Opera

The Ten Golden Rules Of Soap Opera

Soaps the world over, whether on TV or radio, seem to share some universal rules.  Some of these defy real-world logic, or are counter-intuitive.  To assist you in coping with this nightmare, here are the ten major rules with explanation & illustration.

1.       IF SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN, THE  OPPOSITE THING IS THE MOST LIKELY OUTCOME

a.        E.g.  “Everything’s going to be fine from now on” – means disaster will shortly ensue

b.       Pretty much everything on soaps gets jinxed, especially relationships

c.        When two people are in love, or state that they are “solid”, one or other of them will immediately be unfaithful with someone else in the next episode

d.       If anyone looks really happy, without a care in the world, they are about to die

e.       If anyone says that something is secret, within a few minutes most of the cast will know

f.         If anyone says that they are “going to take care of” another person, they are about to abandon them

2.       TIME AND SPACE ARE ENTIRELY FLEXIBLE

a.        Yesterday it may have taken half an hour to get from someone’s home to the hospital, but today it might only take two minutes

b.       Any UK city mentioned by name is a major journey away, taking many hours or days to get there.  It is almost impossible to get back because high-speed buses and trains do not exist.  Landlines & mobiles will not work either, so all contact will be lost. Going to Southampton, for example, is equivalent to being banished to Siberia

c.        However, any foreign country in any part of the globe can be reached within the hour

d.       Anyone who goes to visit their Aunt in Hull for a month will come back with bleached hair and a sun-tan

e.       No matter how many family members, girl-friends, boy-friends and lodgers live in a house, there are always enough bedrooms and bathrooms to go round.  But there will be no milk in the fridge

3.       SOONER OR LATER, SORAS AFFECTS EVERYONE 

a.        SORAS is Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome. One day a child may be only 5, and the next he might be 15, but you just have to go along with it.  E.g. in Coronation Street Tracey Barlow went upstairs as a 9-year-old child and returned nearly thirteen years later as a fully-grown woman.  This passed without remark

b.       When a child character is suddenly replaced by a completely different actor, nobody notices

c.        As soon as any character over 60 is seen to forget something more than once, they immediately become 80 and start suffering from advanced dementia

4.       IF SOMEONE IS MURDERED, THERE MUST BE AT LEAST THREE SUSPECTS 

a.        The most hated characters are the most susceptible to murder mystery storylines

b.       The most loved characters will become unwittingly embroiled, repeatedly incriminating themselves

c.        All the suspects, good or bad, will suddenly start behaving differently, leaving a swathe of ambiguous clues

d.       The police will suspect, arrest and threaten each suspect in serial fashion, before admitting they are baffled

e.       Everyone will be convinced that they know who did it, and will say so, and will be wrong

f.         The actual murderer will finally turn out to be someone completely different

5.       IF ANYONE HAS SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE THERE WILL BE UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCES

a.        Some-one, usually an existing partner, will be watching from the shadows.  However, the guilty couple will always share a “secret” kiss on the doorstep the morning after, and will look furtively in both directions before sneaking off, so this is not always needed

b.       The woman will always get pregnant

c.        If the pregnancy is unwanted, it never ends in abortion, no matter how many times the woman goes to the abortion clinic or discusses it with others

d.       The foetus is always referred to as “the baby” as soon as the pregnancy test-kit hits the rubbish-bin

6.       THERE TENDS TO BE THREE OR MORE CHARACTERS IN ANY LOCATION AT ONE TIME

a.        If five or more characters are in one place at one time, something interesting is probably going to happen, probably a major row or misunderstanding

b.       If a location is shown, it will never be empty.  People will quickly crowd in to have an argument about something

c.        There is a very strong possibility that most of these people will be related to each other

7.       THERE IS NO LIMIT TO THE NUMBER OF SKELETONS ANY CHARACTER CAN HAVE IN THEIR CUPBOARD

a.        No-one is immune to having a secret illegitimate child, having served an undisclosed prison sentence, or being an undischarged bankrupt.  It follows that every character is open to blackmail from any other character who discovers this, before the rest of the cast find out

b.       Everyone has a long-lost sister, brother, mother, father or extremely significant person in their lives, who (inexplicably) has never been mentioned before they suddenly turn up on the doorstep

c.        Any major secret is revealed in public in the worst possible circumstances, in the pub, usually on Christmas Day

8.        MOST PEOPLE DON’T LEAD NORMAL LIVES

a.        No two characters have the same Christian name, so there is never any confusion in conversation

b.       Everyone eats, drinks, works & procreates within 100 yards of their own house

c.        Virtually everyone is self-employed and therefore has totally flexible hours & an indeterminate income.  Equally there is a never-ending supply of local casual work, which usually falls into the lap of the most desperate person

d.       No-one has a bank account, any savings or insurance.  Rental & mortgage payments are never paid from a bank account – indeed all transactions are conducted in cash

e.       Merely working a couple of shifts, adding up to just ten hours a week, provides enough income to pay rent, buy food & drink, maintain a large family and to conduct a normal lifestyle

f.         No-one goes to the toilet, washes their own clothes, cleans their house, or watches TV (especially soap operas)

g.        In the pub & the café, no-one ever mentions religion, politics or world affairs

h.       People never make appointments or check availability – they just drop in and the person is always there and available.  And when there is a knock or ring on the door, it is always answered instantly, and without checking who is there first

i.         When confidential information has to be shared, it is always done in the most public place, in normal audible voices.  It follows that someone will be eaves-dropping, which makes it strange that the characters are always flabbergasted when the secret gets out, and will blame each other for being indiscreet

9.       THE IMMEDIATE NEIGHBOURHOOD IS THE MOST DANGEROUS PLACE ON THE PLANET

a.        More happens in half an hour on set than happens in most people’s whole lifetimes

b.       There are more cases of arson, robberies, rapes, assaults and murders in one square mile than happen the UK in the course of a whole year

c.        If characters are driving in a car, the car will probably crash, injuring or killing one or both occupants.  It will never be a minor fender-bender, with both parties merely exchanging insurance details

d.       Leaves fall off the trees in January and start growing again in January

e.       If a plot-line runs out of steam, at the drop of a hat, a character will decide to leave the neighbourhood for good. The manner of their departure e.g. taxi, private car, bus or tube is a function of their status in the soap, and is a strong indicator of the likelihood of their future return to a new plot-line a few months later

10.    IN THE MAJORITY OF CASES, A DEAD PERSON IS NOT REALLY DEAD 

a.        If the body hasn’t been found, the person’s alive

b.       If the body is unidentifiable without medical records, it belongs to someone else

c.        If someone says, “Don’t worry, he/she/it’s dead,” he/she/it is probably alive

d.       Even if the body has been found, the person might still not be dead

e.       Even if a funeral has been held, the character may come back in some form e.g. as a ghost

f.         The most usual cause of death is that the real-life actor has been sent to prison for child abuse, or has been asking for more money, or has had their contract terminated

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Shakespeare's Plays Explained in Three Lines

Shakespeare’s Plays explained in three lines

A.      The Comedy of Errors

1.       Two sets of identical twins are separated at birth

2.       One set goes looking for the other set

3.       Everybody gets mixed up and some very high jinks ensue

B.      A Midsummer Night’s Dream

1.       Two couples run into fairy-infested woods

2.       Puck puts a love potion into people’s eyes

3.       Everyone falls in love with the wrong person

C.      The Winter’s Tale

1.       Leontes accuses his wife Hermione of adultery

2.       Some poor guy gets eaten by a bear

3.       Sixteen years later a statue comes to life and all ends well

D.      Troilus And Cressida

1.       Troilus loves Cressida

2.       Cressida is given to the Greeks

3.       Homer’s Iliad happens

E.       Henry VI Part 3

1.       Henry is king (twice)

2.       Edward is king (twice)

3.       Henry dies

F.       Richard II

1.       Richard banishes his cousin Henry

2.       Henry comes back & takes Richard’s crown

3.       Richard dies

G.     Richard III

1.       Richard wants to be king

2.       Richard kills lots of people in order to be king

3.       Richard is killed

H.     Macbeth

1.       Three witches tell Macbeth he will be king

2.       Macbeth kills lots of people in order to be king

3.       Macbeth is killed

I.        Hamlet

1.       The ghost of Hamlet’s father tells Hamlet to avenge him

2.       Hamlet talks a LOT about avenging his father.  I mean on and on and on

3.       Hamlet avenges his father

J.        Julius Caesar

1.       Cassius and Brutus assassinate Julius Caesar

2.       Mark Anthony gives a really long speech

3.       Cassius & Brutus kill themselves

K.      King Lear

1.       Lear gives all his wealth away to two of his three daughters

2.       Lear loses his marbles, big time

3.       Lear dies a miserable old man, along with all three of his daughters

L.       Othello

1.       Othello believes his pretty young wife has deceived him

2.       He kills her in a fit of pique

3.       Lots of people get stabbed and Othello dies. Oh bollocks!

M.    Titus Andronicus

1.       Lots of deaths

2.       More deaths

3.       Just lots and lots of death

The Things I've Learned From Watching Shakespeare's Plays

The Things I’ve Learned From Watching Shakespeare’s Plays             

If you have tears, be prepared to shed them now:

1.       Never poke your sword into the arras, since you might end up killing your girlfriend’s Dad.

2.       If you suspect that your lover has committed suicide, get a proper second medical opinion before doing anything rash, as they might just be in some sort of coma.

3.       Don’t believe in prophecies, as they can be highly misleading.  For example, whole forests can shift their location, for a whole load of reasons – global warming being only the most recent.

4.       It’s a dumb idea to hand over all your assets to your children after you retire, but before you’ve made firm arrangements for your later life care.  Your children may not be as grateful as you might expect and the whole situation could turn nasty.  They may cut the size of your retinue – and who needs that when you’re 80?

5.       When making love to someone in a darkened room, have a chat with them first as it’s amazingly easy to end up having sex with the wrong person.

6.       It’s a good idea to leave quickly when being pursued by a bear.

7.       Don’t count on your friends being the sort of people you want to have closely around you at a toga party.  Knives are very easily concealed as weapons, and likely to lead to such outbursts as “infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!”

8.       If in an enchanted forest, try not to fall asleep.  You may wake up feeling a complete ass. Or fall in love with completely the wrong person.

9.       Boys’ affections can be quite fickle.  For example Romeo was madly in love with Rosaline one minute, the next second he’s head over heels with Juliet.

10.   Do proper research on prices on comparison websites.  For example you can usually get a perfectly good horse for rather less than a kingdom.

11.   Payday lenders sometimes have a role to play.  If your cargo is not delivered on time, even Wonga’s extortionate rate of interest can be preferable to hacking off a pound of your own stomach.

12.   Make sure that you know exactly where your acquaintances are buried. One skull can look very much like another.

13.   Don’t believe all you hear about witches.  If you encounter three ugly old women, gathered around a large cauldron, and cackling in verse incoherently, they are most likely to be the local branch of the WI engaged in their jam-making activities.

14.   If you have tricky-to-remove stains on your hands, try soaking them in a solution of bicarbonate of soda before rushing off to see your psychiatrist.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015