Halloween

Halloween

It’s that bloody time of year again

But I can’t be doing with modern Halloween

I mean - all this trick-or-treating

What on earth’s it all supposed to mean?

It’s them damned Americans again -

It makes me want to grieve.

To them it’s just a marketing plot,

When it should be All Hallows’ Eve!

It’s a Celtic or Pagan thing,

About the turning of the year,

The darkness of the coming Winter,

And about the banishment of fear.

 

Since when did we need plastic costumes?

Of spiders, skeletons and witches?

Just so that supermarket chains

Could add to their existing pile of riches?

I’m not bothered about the pumpkins,

Carved as Jack-o-lanterns, but good grief!

Can’t we stop all this talk of haunting,

And get back to good old mischief?

It’s the end of harvest and summer time,

The Winter solstice, the land’s no longer green,

So let’s forget talk of spooks and pranks,

And give us back our Halloween!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

A Self-Assembly Apology

A Self-Assembly Apology

There have been rather too many so-called apologies published in the national press lately.  Apart from many of them appearing to be somewhat insincere and self-serving, after a while a lot of them start to sound very much the same.  Therefore, in the interests of efficiency and reusability, here is an apology that you can build yourself from a set of standard components.

These instructions are sponsored by IKEA.

1.       Firstly check that your Apology Pack contains all the components and quantities shown on the enclosed leaflet, and that you have all the requisite personal tools to attempt this Apology.  These include:

o   self-confidence in your position,

o   3mm of unjustified Arrogance and

o   2 pints of Crocodile Tears (not supplied);

2.       Begin by inserting the two standard grovelling paragraphs in the space provided;

3.       Connect these to the Blaming Supply-Chain module in Section 7;

4.       Unscrew Paragraph 2 and insert the thin, grovelling-passage about customer loyalty.  NOTE: Take care not to get these two paragraphs confused;

5.       Remove paragraph 4 and insert diagonally into the horizontal plane;

6.       Slot Justification A into Apology G, and Excuse B firmly into the upper part of Explanation J;

7.       Continue to screw the message into your customers until it will not go any further.  Do not over-tighten;

8.       Slide this into the rear of paragraph 9;

9.       Replace all verbs throughout the half-assembled Apology using the packet of patronising adjectives provided (not provided);

10.   Whilst firmly holding up two fingers, grasp the issue by the horns, and with a single deft movement, take the piss out of anyone who does not match up evenly with the statement in paragraph 5;

11.   Add three of the bald-faced Spurious Facts to the Apology.  Ensure that they are fitted underneath the Main Statement, so that they do not show clearly.  If necessary, use an Asterisk (not supplied).  In exceptional cases, use a special Double Asterisk (which are available from specialist punctuation suppliers);

12.   Attach the glossy Government Department Report to section 7, but ensure that it does not interfere with paragraphs 3 & 4;

13.   If required, you may now paint the Apology with a layer of greasy, non-stick Platitude.  Alternatively a simple coat of oily Disingenuity may be preferred;

14.   Finally, stand the Apology upright to see whether it falls over.  If necessary, adjust the Straight Lie in the top left-hand corner until it balances again;

15.   After this, if the Apology does not work properly, please return it with all the packaging to the over-rated Ad Agency you bought it from.  Your statutory rights are not affected.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Earl Grey Tea Bread

Recipe for: EARL GREY TEA-BREAD

Ingredients:

·         275g mixed fruit or sultanas

·         300ml strong black Earl Grey tea

·         60g soft brown sugar

·         Zest of one orange or lemon

·         2 large eggs

·         275g plain flour

·         2 ½ tsp baking powder

·         1 tsp ground ginger

·         ½ tsp ground cinnamon

·         ¼ tsp ground nutmeg

·         ¼ tsp salt

Method:

1.       Grease & line 2lb/ 900g loaf tin

2.       Heat oven to 170C/ 160C fan/ 335F, gas 3 ½

3.       Put dried fruit in a saucepan with the tea, bring to the boil & simmer for one minute

4.       Add sugar and zest, stirring to dissolve, and set aside to cool

5.       In a separate large bowl mix the flour & spices

6.       Beat the two eggs lightly in a separate small bowl

7.       Add the wet ingredients to the dry ones in the large bowl & mix carefully

8.       Tip/ spoon the mixture into the loaf tin & smooth the top gently

9.       Bake for 50-55 minutes, testing with s skewer that the loaf is cooked through

10.    Remove and cool in the tin for ten minutes, before lifting out onto wire rack.

What else you need to know:

1.       Slice and butter thickly & eat with a cup of (Earl Grey) tea.

An Imaginary Walk With David Bowie

An (Imaginary) Walk With David Bowie

The valley falls away beneath our feet

The path feels coarse and crumbling, rough stones underfoot

We have to watch our step, yet he seems to find it easy going

As he capers and prances along beside me

His puckish face alight with the possibility of mischief

The dark hills shelter the incoming rain-clouds

Yet this crack’d actor, now in his golden years,

Simply scampers along, over the stiles and through the gates

As we wander with purpose from station to station

His androgynous form somewhat at odds with his surroundings

The muddy fields gradually slow our progress

I’m feeling unwashed and somewhat slightly dazed

Yet David, the prettiest star, seems un-bothered

By the gathering storm, the changes in the landscape

And the sound and vision of sweeping rain

And soon the moon emerges

Its light catching the spangles and sparkles

In his Ziggy Stardust lycra body-suit

And the glint of his mischievous smile

A man who fell to Earth, a space oddity

A starman stranded on our planet

I’m deathly tired, and I stumble on the footpath

And still this wild-eyed boy from Freecloud

Is full of energy, and nothing but supportive

“Better hang on to yourself” he says

Or “let’s dance!” as he pirouettes in front of me

I stare ahead, irresolute to reach our goal

But he’s looking at the stars, wondering if there’s life on Mars

A thin white duke, a laughing gnome, a rock n’ roll suicide

Major Tom, the Jean genie, the man who sold the world

Less than a rebel, rebel, but more a lad insane

I feel too low, I have not half his energy

So I pursue our direction through the downward dale

And I wonder if he’s really there

Or some figment of a tired mind

Some temporary imagining, an occasional dream

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Emergency Poet

Emergency Poet 

It’s not easy being a poet you know

Sometimes your powers can wane

You start feeling the strain, as you bang out another refrain
I know it’s difficult to believe

As you see me here reciting my verse

But sometimes it feels like a curse

It’s easy to become rather terse

And when things start going really badly

It’s time for medical help, to call in the nurse

It started quite gradually for me, I noticed my verse was turning quite free

But the problem wasn’t obvious to see, I wondered what the hell it could be

My limericks were….lacking, my sonnets were….sickly

My ballads were… just bollocks, my couplets just wouldn’t couple

My quatrains came out queasy, and it was no longer so easy

Lyrics and haikus became mangled, my epics and epitaphs all entangled

My rhythms all rambling and strangled

It was then that I fell, into a villanelle from hell

I forgot all the parameters, for iambic pentameters

You should have seen, the state of my Alexandrine

Each sestina could have been keener, and my cadences cleaner

My metre was a mess, and soon I confess

That my long lyrical canto sounded like something from panto

I couldn’t carry on at that time, I’d lost my powers of rhyme

I’d finally arrived at the point to know it, I felt that I must owe it to myself

To call on the Emergency Poet….

So I called one night after nine…the number was… Line, Line, Line

After waiting with some frustration

I got through and had my consultation

She seemed to know the problem at once

Made me feel like a poetic dunce

She said I was over-tired and run down

No wonder I was rhyming like a clown!

To keep me from depression and wallowing

She prescribed treatments as following…

Starting with an exercise of blank verse, but nothing too taxing at first

My diet consisted of a little thin doggerel, to be written twice in each day
Then to try a quick clerihew, don’t mind if I do, just one or two

She said in this gentle mode, I could work up to an ode

Until some new verses flowed

Then she’d be willing to bet, I could manage a sestet

So the moral of this saga is clear:

If your stanzas turn queer, get treatment, don’t fear

Drink plenty of beer

And if you liked this saga – then give us cheer!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

No Nudes Is Good Nudes

No Nudes Is Good Nudes

There are many consequences to see,

But very few people I’m willing to bet,

Who foresaw the downfall of Playboy,

Because of the filth on the Internet.

It seems that you’re only one click away,

From any images you’re craving to see,

So there’s no longer very much point

Publishing “lad mags” or even Page Three.

The models will be covering up,

No longer removing their kit -

Just some provocative poses,

No longer revealing a tit.

It’s the end of a publishing era,

And I’m prepared to confess it myself,

No more furtive trips to the newsagents,

To peruse what’s on the top shelf

What was once a schoolboy’s hasty purchase,

Into the satchel, then down to the park,

Giving it large to all the other lads there,

Trying to be casual, just a bit of a lark.

Pretending to read all the articles,

All grown up and looking quite bold,

Flicking past the scantily-clad poses,

Focusing upon the large centre-fold.

Funny how the staple was always in the wrong place,

But it didn’t stop our glances from lingering,

How every copy became so well-thumbed,

From our over-enthusiastic fingering.

The dreams and wishes of young minds,

Were from education and studies torn.

Our hormonal moods, satisfied by a few nudes,

And by a cheap mag full of soft porn.

But that was all a long time ago,

An age of innocence, I confess:

Our sex education completed,

By a few girlies in a state of undress.

And things have moved on a bit now.

For these mags they’re building a pyre,

But it’s technology, not attitudes,

That are killing Hugh Hefner’s empire.

  

You see it’s no longer about smut and filth,

At least that’s my understanding -

It’s got nothing to do with mags or with bunnies -

These days it’s all about global branding.

Publishing content is big business,

It’s not about daring, nor about joy,

So let’s all say “thanks for the mammaries”

And wave a fond farewell to Playboy.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Beef Broth & Dumplings

Recipe for: BEEF BROTH (with dumplings)

This is a great Autumn/ Winter warming recipe that's good for several days.

Ingredients:

• 1lb (or more) of lean stewing or braising steak, cubed into bite-size pieces
• Large onion, roughly chopped
• ½ swede, peeled & roughly chopped
• 2 medium carrots, peeled & roughly chopped
• 2 medium potatoes, peeled & cubed
• 4-6 oz peas (fresh or frozen)
• 2-4 oz red lentils
• Beef stock cube

 Method:

1. in a large heavy pan or casserole, put a pint of water on to boil.  Crumble in the stock cube and throw in the lentils
2. as the liquid is coming up to the boil, throw in the onions, swede, carrots, potatoes & the steak
3. once up to the boil, lower the heat to a simmer & skim off any scum which rises to the surface
4. cover & cook very gently for a couple of hours.  The lentils should become so soft that they become part of the liquid, help to thicken it,
5. when the broth is almost ready, add the peas & cook until tender
6. adjust seasoning with salt & pepper
7. if using dumplings (see other recipe), drop them into the simmering liquid and cover with a lid, cooking for about 20 minutes, until the dumplings have fluffed up
8. serve in large soup bowls

 What else you need to know:

1. this dish is actually better if you make it one day, then let it cool and heat it up the next day
2. it gets even better if you keep it going for a few days – make a double quantity to start with, then keep topping up with extra hot water, another stock cube, fresh vegetable etc as you deplete the quantity by eating it.  The sauce thickens, matures & gets more depth.
3. you can add other veggies if you want – celery, courgette, tomato, mushroom – it doesn’t really matter – use your imagination!
4. it also works with chicken, but add later in the process & cook for a shorter period
5. great with dumplings or a floury baked potato