Fish & Chips

Fish & Chips

Stranded in a strange city recently whilst working away on business, I was staying at a local B&B. 

As there was no dinner on offer, and finding that my hunger pangs were starting, I set out in search of some fish & chips.  I really fancied some fish and chips.

I couldn’t wait to smell the hot fat, to see the glistening golden batter, to eat the mushy peas, the whole lot drowned in salt and vinegar.  My mouth watered in anticipation.

My appetite thus whetted, I set off into the night to seek my quarry. 

The trouble was I’d no idea where to go, as I wandered onto the nearby High Street. 

I decided to stop and ask directions of a man just passing by.  He looked like a local.

“Excuse me,’ I said.  “Are you a local?  Do you know the area?”

“Yes,” he said.  “Are you lost?”

“Not exactly,” I said.  “I’m looking for a fish & chip shop.  I really fancy some fish & chips.”

“No problem,” he replied.  “I can tell you exactly where to go.”

The directions he gave me were as follows:

-        Straight along here for 50 yards.  Go past Chick-O-Land, The Chicken Box and KFC

-        Turn left by Tennessee Chicken.  There’s a branch of Cluck-It on the opposite corner

-        Go past King Chicken, Chunky Chicken and USA Fried Chicken, but not quite as far as Chicken Ranch

-        Hang a right turn.  You’ll see Mister Chicken, Favourite Fried Chicken and Dixie Chicken on your left

-        And New York Chicken, Chick-O-Lite and Chick-O-Land will be on your right

-        Carry on along there for 100 yards or so till you reach Chicken Cottage

-        Turn left at Sam’s Chicken, past Chicken House and Best Fried Chicken

-        Until you see Mother Clucker and Coq Fighter

-        Now this is the only tricky bit – ignore Krunchy Fried Chicken and Lulu’s Chicken

-        And keep to the left of Chicken Shop and Chicken Town

-        Go past Chicken-Fil-A, El Pollo Loco, and Finger-Lickin’ Chicken

-        This’ll bring you out into the Market Place.  So you’ll see branches of Chickin-Lickin, Chicken Dippers, Land-O-Chicken, Wing Stop, Thunderbird, Red Rooster, and World-O-Chicken

-        Cross over into the far corner between Church’s Chicken and Chick-Chick-Chicken

-        And it’s down that road – you can’t miss it!

I thanked him for his help, turned my collar against the wind, and set off into the night

Finally I reached my destination and in the distance I could see the illuminated sign – “In Cod We Trust”

I rushed into the shop, tired and hungry after my trek, looking forward to my meal

“Large cod, chips and mushy peas, please!” I cried in exhaustion and relief.

The rotund gentlemen behind the counter, the Fat Frier responded in the negative

“Sorry mate – you’re too late.  I’ve just completely sold out of fish!”

“Oh no!” I ejaculated, the disappointment in my voice as clear as a bear’s intention when entering a wood

“But I’m starving!  And I’ve come all this way!”

“No worries mate,” he responded calmly.  “I can easily fry you some chicken!”

I ran from the shop screaming.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

The Other Side Of Christmas

The Other Side Of Christmas

Well it’s come round again, and very unwelcome it is too.  Let me declare my position at the outset – I absolutely loathe Christmas. 

There is virtually nothing about it that I like, and it’s extremely difficult to find any redeeming features in it.   But this is not just another “Bah Humbug!” reaction to the obvious crass commercialism of the modern “festive season”. It’s not just me being a miserable curmudgeon (although I’d always put my hand up to that charge), and it’s not just anti-religious sentiment (but again – guilty as charged).  No it goes much deeper than that.  It’s the time of year that leaves me feeling down and depressed, as if I’m being smothered by it all, and that I’m not going to get through it.  Leaving aside the relentless, rampant consumerism of Christmas, which has become not simply a major marketing exercise for virtually every commercial enterprise, but also almost a year-long logistical exercise in shifting products and services onto an otherwise indifferent marketplace, one has to ask “what’s the point?  What’s it all really for?  Who does it benefit?  And what are we actually celebrating?”  What I see around me these days is something that has grown out of all reasonable proportion, into a Frankenstein’s monster of unattainable aspirations, unaffordable (for many) expenditure, and unwelcome disruption to everything that can be described as “normal”.  The pubs are full of works’ Christmas parties and meals (where people sit around wearing “party” hats, trying to look happy), the buses are on strange time-tables (with drunks slumped across the back seats), and places you need to visit are suddenly closed early or completely (in order to “assist our staff”).  Then there’s the sheer waste generated by millions of unwanted “gifts”, outrageous amounts of “special” packaging, piles of uneaten food, un-needed journeys, special charges etc - it makes me despair. The fact that it’s all based on a garbled 2000-year old religious story which the vast majority of people in this country don’t actually believe in, seems to defy all sense of logic.

But again, it’s deeper than that.  Like many others, I heartily resent the emotional blackmail and manipulation that goes on to persuade people to buy lots of stuff they don’t really want or need for “this special time of year”, the hijacking of the religious myth to create some magical, mystical fairy-tale Dickensian Yuletide of snow and robins that has never existed (and sell yet more stuff), and the constant raising of the bar of expectations by every form of media that people need to clear in order to deliver a “Happy Christmas” to their families (and sell even more stuff). It’s an utter Jabberwocky of confused ideas, images and idiocy.

I find it almost impossible to deal with it by just ignoring it (as perhaps I should) – I find that it grinds me down, it eats away at me constantly, it bores right into me.  The frantic attitudes that emerge as we get closer to “the day” are frightening.  The rush to get the shopping done, the presents wrapped, the cards written and posted, the tasteless turkey ordered, the food and drink stock-piled, the arrangements made for seeing friends and (perhaps unloved) relatives and so on, becomes frenetic.  The crowds in the shops and streets make me feel claustrophobic (and even Santa Claustrophobic), my chest tightens and it’s hard to breathe.  The constant TV build-up – the adverts, the celebrity specials, the multi-channel festive schedule – drills holes through my brain.  I simply can’t get away from it. It’s everywhere.  It’s never-ending.  And it’s all false. And such a total pile of bollocks.

Before anyone starts to psycho-analyse my miserable condition, I should say that (as a child) I used to enjoy Christmas, and I have many happy memories of it.  Perhaps because the whole thing was much simpler, much shorter, more straight-forward?  As a young parent I brought up my own children to enjoy Christmas.  I don’t have a problem with a Christmas tree, a few decorations, presents, cards, a special meal, getting the family together.  But when did it all become so bloated? So extreme? So out of proportion? So unaffordable? So detached from its original purpose?

And, of course, for many people Christmas is a dreadful time of year – because they are on their own, or they have no money, or no home, nowhere to go and share the “festive” spirit.  Out there on the streets of Britain, there is genuine poverty and hardship, which is only thrown into even sharper relief over the Holiday period by the excesses of others.  I count myself very fortunate that I am not among the needy, and can afford a comfortable life.

So what actually is this problem I have?  Is it some middle-class angst? Shouldn’t I just pull myself together, count my blessings and simply get on with it?  I’d love to, but I can’t. It’s like having a huge weight pressing down on top of me, squeezing out the air from my lungs.  Why can’t I just join in and stop being such a bloody misery?  I really don’t want to feel like this, so down and depressed, but I can’t help it.  I don’t enjoy it.  I feel ill.  I’ve never (fortunately) suffered from clinical depression, so I don’t know what it’s like. But I would imagine that this is how it can start – a downward spiral, an inability to cope, a feeling of helplessness, a loss of energy and the necessary resilience to fight back.  It’s horrible. It’s stifling. And every year I dread it coming round even more.  But there’s no escape from it.  We’re just being buried under an avalanche of spurious “traditions” and expectations.

So that’s why I hate Christmas – completely, utterly, deeply.  By mid-January I’ll be feeling OK again, back to my old self.  But for now, it’s a bloody endurance test.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Twelve Pains Of Christmas

The twelve things of Christmas which are such a pain to me:

• Twelve tuneless Christmas carols,
• Eleven stale TV specials,
• Ten "Batteries Not Included",
• Nine No Parking signs!
• Eight Charities collecting!
• Seven round for dinner!
• Six pies a-mincing!
• Five months of bills!
• Four days of drinking!
• Three santas fighting!
• Too much Christmas pudding,
• And finding a bloody Christmas tree.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

A Self-Assembly Apology

A Self-Assembly Apology

There have been rather too many so-called apologies published in the national press lately.  Apart from many of them appearing to be somewhat insincere and self-serving, after a while a lot of them start to sound very much the same.  Therefore, in the interests of efficiency and reusability, here is an apology that you can build yourself from a set of standard components.

These instructions are sponsored by IKEA.

1.       Firstly check that your Apology Pack contains all the components and quantities shown on the enclosed leaflet, and that you have all the requisite personal tools to attempt this Apology.  These include:

o   self-confidence in your position,

o   3mm of unjustified Arrogance and

o   2 pints of Crocodile Tears (not supplied);

2.       Begin by inserting the two standard grovelling paragraphs in the space provided;

3.       Connect these to the Blaming Supply-Chain module in Section 7;

4.       Unscrew Paragraph 2 and insert the thin, grovelling-passage about customer loyalty.  NOTE: Take care not to get these two paragraphs confused;

5.       Remove paragraph 4 and insert diagonally into the horizontal plane;

6.       Slot Justification A into Apology G, and Excuse B firmly into the upper part of Explanation J;

7.       Continue to screw the message into your customers until it will not go any further.  Do not over-tighten;

8.       Slide this into the rear of paragraph 9;

9.       Replace all verbs throughout the half-assembled Apology using the packet of patronising adjectives provided (not provided);

10.   Whilst firmly holding up two fingers, grasp the issue by the horns, and with a single deft movement, take the piss out of anyone who does not match up evenly with the statement in paragraph 5;

11.   Add three of the bald-faced Spurious Facts to the Apology.  Ensure that they are fitted underneath the Main Statement, so that they do not show clearly.  If necessary, use an Asterisk (not supplied).  In exceptional cases, use a special Double Asterisk (which are available from specialist punctuation suppliers);

12.   Attach the glossy Government Department Report to section 7, but ensure that it does not interfere with paragraphs 3 & 4;

13.   If required, you may now paint the Apology with a layer of greasy, non-stick Platitude.  Alternatively a simple coat of oily Disingenuity may be preferred;

14.   Finally, stand the Apology upright to see whether it falls over.  If necessary, adjust the Straight Lie in the top left-hand corner until it balances again;

15.   After this, if the Apology does not work properly, please return it with all the packaging to the over-rated Ad Agency you bought it from.  Your statutory rights are not affected.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2015

Why I Hate Christmas

The Other Side Of Christmas

Well it’s come round again, and very unwelcome it is too.  Let me declare my position at the outset – I absolutely loathe Christmas. 

There is virtually nothing about it that I like, and it’s extremely difficult to find any redeeming features in it.   But this is not just another “Bah Humbug!” reaction to the obvious crass commercialism of the modern “festive season”. It’s not just me being a miserable curmudgeon (although I’d always put my hand up to that charge), and it’s not just anti-religious sentiment (but again – guilty as charged).  No it goes much deeper than that.  It’s the time of year that leaves me feeling down and depressed, as if I’m being smothered by it all, and that I’m not going to get through it.  Leaving aside the relentless, rampant consumerism of Christmas, which has become not simply a major marketing exercise for virtually every commercial enterprise, but also almost a year-long logistical exercise in shifting products and services onto an otherwise indifferent marketplace, one has to ask “what’s the point?  What’s it all really for?  Who does it benefit?  And what are we actually celebrating?”  What I see around me these days is something that has grown out of all reasonable proportion, into a Frankenstein’s monster of unattainable aspirations, unaffordable (for many) expenditure, and unwelcome disruption to everything that can be described as “normal”.  The pubs are full of works’ Christmas parties and meals (where people sit around wearing “party” hats, trying to look happy), the buses are on strange time-tables (with drunks slumped across the back seats), and places you need to visit are suddenly closed early or completely (in order to “assist our staff”).  Then there’s the sheer waste generated by millions of unwanted “gifts”, outrageous amounts of “special” packaging, piles of uneaten food, un-needed journeys, special charges etc - it makes me despair. The fact that it’s all based on a garbled 2000-year old religious story which the vast majority of people in this country don’t actually believe in, seems to defy all sense of logic.

But again, it’s deeper than that.  Like many others, I heartily resent the emotional blackmail and manipulation that goes on to persuade people to buy lots of stuff they don’t really want or need for “this special time of year”, the hijacking of the religious myth to create some magical, mystical fairy-tale Dickensian Yuletide of snow and robins that has never existed (and sell yet more stuff), and the constant raising of the bar of expectations by every form of media that people need to clear in order to deliver a “Happy Christmas” to their families (and sell even more stuff). It’s an utter Jabberwocky of confused ideas, images and idiocy.

I find it almost impossible to deal with it by just ignoring it (as perhaps I should) – I find that it grinds me down, it eats away at me constantly, it bores right into me.  The frantic attitudes that emerge as we get closer to “the day” are frightening.  The rush to get the shopping done, the presents wrapped, the cards written and posted, the tasteless turkey ordered, the food and drink stock-piled, the arrangements made for seeing friends and (perhaps unloved) relatives and so on, becomes frenetic.  The crowds in the shops and streets make me feel claustrophobic (and even Santa Claustrophobic), my chest tightens and it’s hard to breathe.  The constant TV build-up – the adverts, the celebrity specials, the multi-channel festive schedule – drills holes through my brain.  I simply can’t get away from it. It’s everywhere.  It’s never-ending.  And it’s all false. And such a total pile of bollocks.

Before anyone starts to psycho-analyse my miserable condition, I should say that (as a child) I used to enjoy Christmas, and I have many happy memories of it.  Perhaps because the whole thing was much simpler, much shorter, more straight-forward?  As a young parent I brought up my own children to enjoy Christmas.  I don’t have a problem with a Christmas tree, a few decorations, presents, cards, a special meal, getting the family together.  But when did it all become so bloated? So extreme? So out of proportion? So unaffordable? So detached from its original purpose?

And, of course, for many people Christmas is a dreadful time of year – because they are on their own, or they have no money, or no home, nowhere to go and share the “festive” spirit.  Out there on the streets of Britain, there is genuine poverty and hardship, which is only thrown into even sharper relief over the Holiday period by the excesses of others.  I count myself very fortunate that I am not among the needy, and can afford a comfortable life.

So what actually is this problem I have?  Is it some middle-class angst? Shouldn’t I just pull myself together, count my blessings and simply get on with it?  I’d love to, but I can’t. It’s like having a huge weight pressing down on top of me, squeezing out the air from my lungs.  Why can’t I just join in and stop being such a bloody misery?  I really don’t want to feel like this, so down and depressed, but I can’t help it.  I don’t enjoy it.  I feel ill.  I’ve never (fortunately) suffered from clinical depression, so I don’t know what it’s like. But I would imagine that this is how it can start – a downward spiral, an inability to cope, a feeling of helplessness, a loss of energy and the necessary resilience to fight back.  It’s horrible. It’s stifling. And every year I dread it coming round even more.  But there’s no escape from it.  We’re just being buried under an avalanche of spurious “traditions” and expectations.

So that’s why I hate Christmas – completely, utterly, deeply.  By mid-January I’ll be feeling OK again, back to my old self.  But for now, it’s a bloody endurance test.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

Teaching Maths - A Beginner's Guide

Teaching Maths – A Beginner’s Guide

Some sample questions taken from Maths papers over the past forty years to demonstrate how things have changed – not always for the better.

1.       Teaching Maths – 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.  What is his profit?

2.       Teaching Maths – 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.  His cost of production is 80% of the price.  What is his profit?

3.       Teaching Maths – 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.  His cost of production is £80.  What is his profit?

4.       Teaching Maths – 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80.  His profit is £20.  Your assignment – using a black pen, carefully underline the number 20.

5.       Teaching Maths – 2005

A logger cuts down a forest of beautiful trees because he is selfish, and inconsiderate, and cares nothing for the habitat of animals, or the preservation of our woodlands.  Your assignment – discuss how the birds & squirrels might feel when they realise that the logger has cut down their homes for a measly £20 profit.

6.       Teaching Maths – 2009

A logger is arrested for attempting to cut down a tree on his own land, in case it may have been offensive to any groups not consulted in the application for the felling license.  He is also fined £100 because his chainsaw is in breach of the 2008 Health & Safety regulations, as it is deemed too dangerous, and could cut something.  He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident.  However, he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal.  He is compelled to give a sample of his DNA, and his details are circulated throughout all government departments.  He protests, is taken to court, and is fined a further £100.  When he returns from Court he finds that squatters have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land.  He tries to throw them out, but is arrested again, prosecuted for persecuting an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.  Whilst he is in prison, the squatters cut down the rest of his wood, and sell it on the black market for £100 cash.  They also have a departure BBQ of roasted squirrel and pheasant, and leave behind several tons of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.  The logger is warned that failure to clear the fly-tipped rubbish immediately at his own expense is a criminal offence.  He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £10,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by an outsourced regulated government contractor.  Your assignment – how many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make a £20 profit via sheer hard work, give up and sign onto the dole and live off the State for the rest of his life?

7.       Teaching Maths – 2014

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry-load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in the USA and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors, and to the traders who made the biggest losses.  The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry.  However, as it was built back in the 1970s, it no longer meets the emission regulations and he is forced to scrap it.  Some itinerant loggers buy the old lorry for cash from the scrap merchant, and put it back on the road.  They undercut everyone on price for timber haulage, whilst claiming unemployment benefit for themselves and all of their relatives. The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers, because bonuses do not come cheap. The parliamentarians feel that they are missing out, and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.  Your assignment  - explain how the British economy still manages to work at all, and how the teaching of Mathematics has evolved over the past 40 years.  Send the solution to Michael Gove in the envelope provided.  No crossings out.  Show all your working-out.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014

So Here We Go Again...

So here we go again - another New Year.  365 days to get through, or a blank set of pages to be written upon.  Glass half full, or glass half empty? Seems that we can all choose which sort of year to make it.  It will be happy or sad, empty or fulfilling according to how we choose to think about it, rather than how external influences appear to "create" it.

Given that we all have this choice, I'm going to choose to make it a good year.  I've made some New Year resolutions, all focussed on making my life more enjoyable and fulfilling. They're not about negatives, or giving things up, or stopping doing stuff - they're about positive actions which will (hopefully) produce better outcomes for me and mine.  Sure, there's a few things that need some taking care of, or sorting out, but I'm not going to make them the centre of what I'm about to do. They can go on the Action List, rather than on the Life List.

There's no particular reason that the First of January should be the time to do these things.  After all, these time intervals and anniversaries and special dates are only arbitrary human creations of modern society.  We can start and stop anytime we like.  But I'll do it with everyone else simply because it's an easily-memorable and convenient date. Project start-date, as it were.  Might as well be today as any other day.

Anyway - hope your project runs well.  I'm sure mine will.

Reflections On The Iron Lady - Rust In Peace

In the seventies, when Thatcher was in full flow, I was just trying to make my way in the world, having just left University. I got married in 1980, so the first ten years of that, including my first three children, came during Thatcher's reign.  I remember it vividly as a very difficult time, of divisive political decisions, union confrontation, the decline of British industry and the Falklands War.

I thought Thatcher was pretty bad.  I accept it was a time when some difficult decisions had to be made, but I think the style of government, the means of implementation were all wrong.  Personally, I think she was dominating and patronising in the way she ran things, and the way she treated people.  Consensus was a dirty word to her, and she simply did not try hard enough to take people with her.

I'm sorry that she contracted dementia. It meant that she was able (unwillingly I'm sure) to forget a lot of what had made her so divisive in this country, and to be largely unaware of what her legacy would mean to politics & to the social fabric of Britain.  To many people it seems "cruel" when a loved one contracts dementia, because they lose themselves & their identity, and they forget the people & things they knew. To me it seems equally cruel that Thatcher has managed to largely escape the consequences of her own actions, and to end her years in a lavish retirement, with her acolytes gathered around her.

It's hard to forgive and to forget what she did, and difficult to stomach who her friends were (both nationally & internationally).

Therefore I do not mourn her passing, but I'm not going to celebrate her death either.  I won't watch her funeral on TV, and I strongly resent the fact that this has turned into a state occasion, involving an A-list guest list, the armed forces, and a tax-payer-funded £10m cost. She's an old lady who's died, and she deserves a quiet funeral with family and friends, but no more than that.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013

Build Your Own Apology

A Self-Assembly Apology

There have been rather too many so-called apologies published in the national press lately.  Apart from many of them appearing to be somewhat insincere and self-serving, after a while a lot of them start to sound very much the same.  Therefore, in the interests of efficiency and reusability, here is an apology that you can build yourself from a set of standard components.

These instructions ought to be sponsored by IKEA (but aren't).

1.       Firstly check that your Apology Pack contains all the components and quantities shown on the enclosed leaflet, and that you have all the requisite personal tools to attempt this Apology.  These include:

o   self-confidence in your position,

o   3mm of unjustified Arrogance and

o   2 pints of Crocodile Tears (not supplied);

2.       Begin by inserting the two standard grovelling paragraphs in the space provided;

3.       Connect these to the Blaming Supply-Chain module in Section 7;

4.       Unscrew Paragraph 2 and insert the thin, grovelling-passage about customer loyalty.  NOTE: Take care not to get these two paragraphs confused;

5.       Remove paragraph 4 and insert diagonally into the horizontal plane;

6.       Slot Justification A into Apology G, and Excuse B firmly into the upper part of Explanation J;

7.       Continue to screw the message into your customers until it will not go any further.  Do not over-tighten;

8.       Slide this into the rear of paragraph 9;

9.       Replace all verbs throughout the half-assembled Apology using the packet of patronising adjectives provided (not provided);

10.   Whilst firmly holding up two fingers, grasp the issue by the horns, and with a single deft movement, take the piss out of anyone who does not match up evenly with the statement in paragraph 5;

11.   Add three of the bald-faced Spurious Facts to the Apology.  Ensure that they are fitted underneath the Main Statement, so that they do not show clearly.  If necessary, use an Asterisk (not supplied).  In exceptional cases, use a special Double Asterisk (which are available from specialist punctuation suppliers);

12.   Attach the glossy Government Department Report to section 7, but ensure that it does not interfere with paragraphs 3 & 4;

13.   If required, you may now paint the Apology with a layer of greasy, non-stick Platitude.  Alternatively a simple coat of oily Disingenuity may be preferred;

14.   Finally, stand the Apology upright to see whether it falls over.  If necessary, adjust the Straight Lie in the top left-hand corner until it balances again;

15.   After this, if the Apology does not work properly, please return it with all the packaging to the over-rated Ad Agency you bought it from.  Your statutory rights are not affected.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013

Good Friday?

Good Friday?

So what's all the fuss about? If it's a Bank Holiday, then fair enough.  But it's a Public Holiday, which is different, apparently.  This is another example of where normal, secular life has been hi-jacked by the ages-old religious agenda.  My local swimming pool is closed for the day (and again all day on Monday), even though this is the very time when most people are on holiday, and actually want to use the facility.  The shops and supermarkets will all be closed on Sunday, although the swimming pool will be open. Why? What is the logic behind this?

This is Europe in the 21st Century, where the vast majority of people are not religious, or don't hold religious beliefs. It's not the superstitious world of Palestine 2000 years ago. I happen to be an atheist with, I think, some fairly good scientific reasons for not believing in God.  Some people are agnostics. Some people are religious, although not Christian.  Some people claim to be Christian, yet never go to church, read the Bible or pray. Doesn't this mean that a tiny minority of deluded people, through the apparatus of the Christian Church, are effectively dictating how modern life can be lived?  Aren't they interfering with my (reasonable) freedoms?

I don't have the interest or the energy to sit and argue with Christians.  I happen to think they are deluded, but it's their choice to believe in a jealous, angry, game-playing deity. I have no desire to deny them their rights to believe what they believe, or to practice their ritualistic mumbo-jumbo in Church buildings.  They can do what they like, along with those who believe in voodoo, druidism, Zeus, and all the others. If that's how they want to waste their lives, it's up to them.

But why do I have to accept that they dictate how normal commercial life operates?  Don't make any sense to me.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013

Welsh Swans Bully Yorkshire Bantams

There were only two things that really spoilt my day yesterday, when I was watching Swansea (of the Premier League) beat Bradford City (of "Football League Division Two" aka The Fourth Division).  One was, obviously, the 5-0 scoreline.  The other was the almost never-ending stream of patronising comments from the Sky commentary team. 

Bradford were described as "plucky" and "brave" and "a credit to the lower leagues" amongst other things.  It went on throughout, and helped to make a (in footballing terms) a miserable day into a worse one.  Talking about Bradfordians having "their once-in-a-lifetime say out at Wembley" was really not on.  Apart from the fact that they appeared there a few years ago to win a promotion play-off final, and apart from the fact that the team could well be back there at the arse-end of this season if they make the Div 2 play-offs, to say nothing of what might happen in the next few years (as they march up the Divisions, and win the FA Cup, conquering all before them), why could yesterday ever be described as "once-in-a-lifetime"?

Let's get this straight and be honest.  City were there on footballing merit, and nothing else.  On the way to the Final tie, they beat Notts County, Watford, Wigan, Arsenal and Aston Villa - all teams (well) above them in the League, some games away from home.  They had a good cup run, like all teams hope for, and did extremely well.  They were neither lucky nor plucky. OK - they were (rightly) regarded as under-dogs (something that always seems to happen to one of the teams in the final), but on the day they were well beaten by a superior-skilled side who played much better.  Swansea deserved their win - no more & no less.  They were worthy winners.

City played their part, but played relatively poorly on the day, and would not have deserved to win.  It broke my heart to watch them lose, and by five goals, but that's football.  They'll pick up lots of money as a reward for getting all the way to Wembley, and they really need it.  They'll now (hopefully) spend it wisely, and get on with the serious business of gaining promotion and re-building the infrastructure of the club.

So - let's move on & get over it.  Dagenham on Wednesday at Valley Parade, and away at York on Saturday - back to the realities of the football world.  Come on you Bantams!!

Pope Ratzinger Falls On His Sword

Pope Ratzinger Falls On His Sword

Pope Benedict today astounded all his fans and critics alike by suddenly announcing his resignation from The Papacy Ltd.  He will step down from the end of February 2013 to make way for a younger man.  The Roman Catholic Board of Cardinals will meet to vote in a successor, following a world-wide head-hunting exercise.  It is thought that the resignation follows a Board-room bust-up with several non-executive directors of the organisation.

His resignation note was issued, as is usual in papal circles, in Latin, and merely read: “Nil Carborundum Desperandum” (Don’t Let The Bastards Grind You Down).  He is also reported to have Tweeted recently: “In Loco Parentis” (My Father Is An Engine-Driver). 

The Pope, better known as Ratty Ratzinger by his huge following of conscripted fans, has claimed that he is tired of dressing up in medieval clothes, of spending too much time kneeling,  and being forced to attend Mass several times a day.  It is thought that he wants to spend more time with his family, a coded reference to the need to resign from office before the full impact of a range of political, social and economic storms breaks over the Papacy. 

Resisting calls for reform and modernisation at the organisation’s Rome-based HQ in St Peters’s, Ratzinger typically took a conservative hard line with what he described as “woolly-minded socialist lefties” over such normal modern issues as contraception, abortion, gay rights and freedom of speech.  He was also known for issuing uncompromising press-releases, known as Pure Bulls, to his employees and customers. 

He is expected to be paid a huge bonus, a “golden good-bye” by the RC Remuneration Committee, as well as his salary and a range of Indulgence Options, in recognition of his skilful steering of the RC Organisation through the choppy waters of the worldwide child abuse scandals, and their subsequent cover-up.  Ratzinger, 85, is also widely credited with improving profitability and free cash-flow at Vatican Inc, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Papacy Holdings, by amassing even further cash and gold reserves at the expense of millions of poor Catholics worldwide. 

The share-price of Vatican Inc rose slightly on world markets.

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013

Final Paper in Gove-Nomics

Gove-Nomics Paper 

This is the final paper for the degree course in Gove-Nomics.  It is not worth any marks, but you MUST complete all the questions, because those are the sad kind of bastards that you’re dealing with here.  You MUST get your head round this and learn to live with it. 

You have three years to get through college.  For this paper, however, you are only allowed five minutes.  Are there any other instructions that you’d like us to underline, or to place in CAPITALS? 

Use pencil, not pen, and cross out neatly.  If you have a piece of slate and some chalk, so much the better.  Welcome back to education the way it used to be!  Show all your working.  Calculators are not allowed, but reasonable amounts of common sense may be permitted in the exam room.

 

 QUESTION 1.  What is the technical term for the statement made by Michael Gove in the House of Commons yesterday?  Is it:

a)      A U-turn?

b)      An about-turn?

c)       A real turn-up for the books? 

QUESTION 2.  How would you best describe the attitude of Michael Gove in originally introducing his changes to the National Curriculum and examinations without any proper form of consultation? Is it:

a)      An arrogant little shit?

b)      A cocky little bastard?

c)       A patronising eejit, driven by political dogma? 

QUESTION 3.  What do you think Michael Gove’s political opponents will make of the current situation?  Will it be:

a)      As much political capital as possible?

b)      Nothing much, as they won’t understand what he’s just said anyway?

c)       An classic example of a twit-in-action for future generations? 

QUESTION 4.  How do you think Michael Gove’s change of heart will be received by the teaching profession?  Will they:

a)      Shake their heads sadly, and get back to doing the crossword?

b)      Nod their heads sagely, and say “I told you so”?

c)       Get out of their heads at the celebration party? 

QUESTION 5.  What will the Headmaster (D. Cameron Esq) and Deputy Head Master (N. Clegg Esq) say to Gove, Senior over this incident?  Will it be:

a)      “You’ve let the school down, you’ve let the Party down, but must of all, you’ve let the whole education system off lightly”?

b)      “Step forward all prize recipients!  No, not you, Gove!”?

c)       “Two years detention for you, Gove, you naughty boy”?

 

Check your answers carefully.  No account will be taken of sarcasm or irony.  Hand in your paper to the invigilator, then get the hell out of here.  And best of luck with what’s left of your education.

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013

Lost - Have You Seen This Man?

Lost – Have You Seen Him? 

In the Southwark area, quite recently.  One Political Career, not very substantial, but of great emotional value to its owner.  Tagged with a “Liberal Democrat” chip on his shoulder, and collared by the local Constabulary.  Answers to the names of “Hypocrite”, “Speedy” and “Mendacious”. 

Quite friendly until recently, and prepared to appear on radio and TV with very little encouragement, but may now bite the hand that feeds him.  May now be slippery, elusive and fail to respond to being called.  May try and dodge all responsibility whatsoever.

Aged about 58 and in general good health, but suffers from a lack of marital fidelity, and an inability to tell right from wrong.  Has been recently docked, and may now finally come clean. 

Has been spotted around Crown Court, changing his pleas frequently, and in some distress. 

Sometimes seen in the company of “someone close” answering to the name of Vicky, who suffers from a long-standing marital coercion condition. 

 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013

Like They Are Important......

Just a comment on the Algerian hostage crisis.  Leaving aside the operational situation unfolding in the real world in the desert, which has clearly been dangerous and, for some, fatal, I can't help but wonder at our politicians.

Poshboy Cameron and Puffing Billy Hague seemed genuinely bemused that the Algerians ignored their offers of UK Government "help", "advice", "guidance" and "technical assistance". I think this might have been because the Algerians probably know a lot more about how to deal with large bunches of heavily-armed, crazed jihadist killers than UKG people do.  Also they probably don't like being patronised by two Western politicians who wouldn't know one end of a gun from another.

Next up, The Gruesome Twosome were outraged that the Algerians had had the sheer nerve to go ahead with their clean-up operation "without consultation".  Bearing in mind that this was happening in Algeria, and involved (principally) Algerian attackers & defenders, why would the Algerians consult? If this was happening in the UK, would Cameron expect to get some sort of green light from the head of state of every nationality involved, before giving the orders to attack?  And also bearing in mind that a whole rainbow of nations' citizens were (potentially) involved, how long did Cameron think they should hold off for these "consultations" to take place?

That the jihadists were seeking to escape, the Algerians didn't have a lot of time or a lot of choice. They had to act quickly, or it could have got a lot worse.

BTW - I expect the Algerian "Mission Statement" had something to do with "killing terrorists".  The paragraph about rescuing hostages safely was probably quite a long way down in the small print.

It's not that I agree with what the Algerians did, particularly. It's just that they had the situation on their patch, and they had to deal with it as they saw fit.  Cameron & Hague just don't seem to get it.  They behave as if their position, their view, their approach was somehow better or more important than the Algerians.  They need to get over themselves.

So, here we go again then.......

So here we go again into the wild blue yonder of another New Year.  I wonder if there's any hope that it'll be any better than the last few years?  Doubtful, I know.

Still, it's just another series of 24-hour periods dictated by the spinning and orbiting of our planet around a small star.  It has no greater significance than any other set of 24-hour periods, since the calendar of days, months and years are just an invention, a way of thinking, a way of rationalising the passage of time, of measuring the spans of our brief existence, by we humans.

I guess that the planet is not quite exhausted yet, that we've a way to go before we reduce it to a burning cinder in space.  I guess that I, and anyone reading this, will not be around when that inglorious end finally comes.  I guess that there's probably not much I can do about it.  But what the hell?  There's still some gas in the tank, so let's drive on for a few more miles and see where it gets us down the road.

In the mean time, let's just try and do the best that we can........

To Sum It All Up Then.......

To sum it all up then.....it's not been a great year, has it?  When you think about Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Syria and Palestine there's two things that strike me.  The first is the terrible atrocities which continue to happen there (which I feel I can do absolutely nothing about), and the second is the two-faced, self-serving, prevaricating, dithering, hand-wringing way in which "the West" continues to behave.  The UN has become a total joke.  The grounds on which "interventions" in these conflicts are made (or not made), and the weasel words which are used to "explain" these decisions, are frankly unbelievable.  Rarely is it about logic or humanity or morality.  Usually it's about politics, or economics, or national advantage.

The US has lost any credibility it might ever have had for world "leadership".  Just look at what it allows to happen in its own back-yard - the destructive two-party politics, its economic crash-and-burn approach to life, the neglect of people on its own streets, its lack of proper medical care for the poor & under-privileged, its monumentally stupid gun laws.

Bankers?  The Press?  The Rich? The Politicians?  They all continue to make it a shitty time to be alive. They do not deserve our respect, nor should they be allowed to continue to talk & behave the way they do.

What to do about it?  Recognise it.  Understand it. Interpret it into real language & decode the spin. Realise that these people are unlikely to behave any better unless we all work, day by day, in our own little way to stop them.  Challenge what they say.  Confront them.  Ask hard questions.  Vote with your feet and your spending power.  Indulge in your own random acts of kindness, decency and straight talking.  But above all - don't let the bastards grind you down!

A Happy and Kinder New Year to All................Andy

Leveson - The Backlash Years

Unbelievable!

Is this the same posh-boy Cameron who vowed, as he set up the Leveson Inquiry, that he would implement its recommendations unless they were in some way "completely bonkers"?  And, now that he's pretended to read it, has drawn back from legislative under-pinning of a regime of press regulation?  I guess it must be.  Perhaps he's changed his mind. Perhaps he does think that it's "complete bonkers".  Or perhaps he's just been got at by the powerful press lobby, and has an eye on future election support so that he can try to cling to power for longer.  Who knows?  Who cares any more?  What was the point of Leveson spending so much time and taxpayer money, only for this Eton-educated idiot to turn his face against it? I'd just like to put him in a room with all the recent victims of press intrusion and have him look them in the eye, whilst he attempts to "explain" his position. No wonder people become disillusioned with politics and politicians.

The Bob Particle

The Higgs-Barclay

After years of intensive research by particle physicists, and billions of ££ of expenditure at CERN with the The Large Hadron Collider, it has finally been announced that a major breakthrough has been achieved.  At a confidence level of 5-Sigma, which is greater than 99.999997%, the first evidence of infitessimally small particles of remorse & ethical behaviour have been detected at Barclays.  This is the long sought-after, so-called Higgs Barclay, or the Bob (Diamond) Particle.

Banking theory had predicted many years ago that at least one banker must have had a slight pang of conscience about fixing interest rates.  It needed to exist in order to explain the existence of dark matter in the Universe, and also of limited-charge overdrafts, but only yesterday could the theory finally be proved.

There is now a very large concrete bunker with billions of ££-worth of electronics standing idle in Switzerland.  However, it is understood that Barclays have expressed an interest in the site as the new location for their Global Headquarters.  They had been looking for some time for a site where they could locate their international missile silos.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2012