Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 8th September 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 8^th September 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Fuelled by a misunderstanding of epic proportions, citizens of D-Town last night celebrated the end of the Paralytic Games.  Taking their cue from events in Paris, the local yoof took to da streets to demonstrate Drunken Roads-Crossing, faced The High Jump with the local constabulary, tried the Long Jump across The Crammer (later converted to a range of swimming events), Cycling The Wrong Way Down A One-way Street, Athletic Shoplifting and, of course, Wheelchair Binge-Drinking. 

2.    And, in a landmark report published on Thursday, it was concluded that the flats in Wobbly Way burned to the ground because they were (illegally) set on fire.  No shit Sherlock! No part of society was left unscathed by the damning conclusions and recommendations.  The people who set the blaze going were particularly to blame, as were the complete fucktards who had left large piles of combustible materials in the entrance hall, the Fire Brigade (who failed to extinguish the fire because it was deemed to be “too hot”), the Police (who failed to catch the scrotes responsible because it was deemed to be “too difficult”, the Clowncil (who failed to have all the rubbish collected in a timely way because it was “too expensive”) and finally the mighty General Public (who filmed the blaze on their smartphones, but who failed to call 999 because it might “spoil the excitement”).  

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 4th August 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 4^th August 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Fanned by a clearly orchestrated campaign of misinformation, there has been civil unrest on the streets of D-Town over the past few nights.  News spread on Tuesday night across social media platforms that someone from outside the borough, and a non-Moonraker at that, had been seen trying to buy supplies of Salt & Vinegar Pringles from more than one high street convenience stores.  In fact, the police were keen to point out, the man was born on the borders of The Vize, within clear sight of the 273 bus route. 

2.    Announcing his retirement from competing in professional international tournaments, Ivor Biggun, sometime left back (in the dressing room usually) for D-Town Academicals, the world of sport was left mourning the loss of a real sporting character.  The Chairman of the Town Council, in a moving, and sometimes tearful, tribute to Biggun’s career and character, said that he only wished that several of the man’s team-mates might think about doing the same.  “If Adele can step back from her music for an extended period, we can only hope that Ed Sheeran, Coldplay and Dua Lipa might think about doing the same, and giving us all the break that we richly deserve.” 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 28th July 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 28^th July 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Unable to afford the cost of sending a full team to the Paris Olympics, the local Clowncil have done the second-best thing, by creating a more “local” set of Olympics, to be held in the big field at the side of the canal (inside Church Hall if wet).  Eschewing the more traditional competitive sports, there will events in goat nadgering, sticking pencils up your nose (ladies only), carrying a round of 18 mixed drinks back to your table in a crowded pub, floodlit horse massage, professional all-comers shoplifting (three categories) and loitering with intent near a zebra crossing. 

2.    The effect of having a new Labour government in Whitehall is already showing huge benefits.  Since Sir Near Starkers came to power the weather has been better, England reached the final of the European Championship, and my girlfriend has started wearing less bling and makeup in favour of her new summer wardrobe.  This would never have happened under the Tories.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From D-Town - Dateline Sunday 7th July 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 7^th July 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      Following its landslide victory in the polls, the new Labour government has already started work by appointing its first ministers and holding its first Cabinet meeting on Saturday afternoon.  The benefits are already beginning to flow – the weather has been better (Summer will be nationalised in the first session of Parliament), England have reached the Euro semi-finals, and in a major local boost to the economy, The Three Crowns have knocked 10p off the price of pints of their three main sellers – Undrinkable Draught Lager, New Fizzy Craft Bollox, and Old Knobstrangler.   The Mayor of D-Town has placed an early telephone call to congratulate the new Prime Minister, but has been informed by the girl on the No. 10 Switchboard to get lost. 

2.    The local poll returned a Lib-Dem for the first time in nearly 100 years.  The previous Tory majority of over 16k, held by a large turd with as blue flag planted in it, was over-turned completely.  The turd, aka Michelle Donefor, refused to comment after the result was announced in the early hours of Friday morning, although her aides were quick to blame Nigel Farrago’s Gammon Reform party, communist plotters, Count Binface, the long queues at Greggs on Thursday afternoon, the bloke swigging lager in the Market Place, and the very slow service at the Cosy Café.  Ms Donefor is thought to be considering her future, but is likely to want to spend more time with her money. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

Drivel From D-Town - Dateline Sunday 30th June 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 30^th June 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The D-Town Branch of Reform UK has announced that “there is no room in this party for racists, misogynists, or anti-Semites”.  It later stated that this may have given a somewhat false impression of their views.  It later clarified that there was no room for such people, since it was already completely full of them.  In fact, there is a waiting list to get in. 

2.    And in an attempt to get into the mood for summer music festivals, following last week’s Isle of Wight festival, and this week-end’s Glastonbury festival, and a total inability to get any tickets, a D-Town couple have decided to try and re-create the whole Festival Experience at their home.  After locking themselves out of the house for four days, the pair are now camping in a corner of their garden.  They have rigged up a sound system which plays Coldplay and The Sugababes on a constant loop at high volume.  The security lights stay on all night, and they have attracted complaints and abuse from their neighbours at both sides of their property.  They have had little in the way of sleep.  After eating badly barbecued food, and drinking cans of warm lager, they are taking it in turns to have a fairly runny crap behind the potting shed.  They are currently looking forward to the traditional Sunday tea-time “legends” slot, which will feature a CD of Benny Hill singing “The Fastest Milkman In The West”. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 16th June 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 16^th June 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      It’s that day of the year again when all true British people, and especially those in D-Town, come out on Facebook and admit that they have yet again submitted themselves to another American marketing fad, by wishing their male parent (on the huge assumption that they actually know who this is) a Happy Father’s Day.  The ritual is made particularly poignant for those parents who are actually dead, or who wouldn’t know what Facebook was even if slapped them in the knackers with a wet haddock, because they’ll never (tragically) get to read such virtue-signalling posts.  Council bin-men working Monday or Tuesday shifts are particularly concerned with the extra work caused by the huge amounts of discarded ties, hankies, mugs with “Best Dad” slogans, beer glasses with crossed golf clubs, socks, and other detritus being dumped into wheelie bins.  

2.    And the General Erection campaign drones on.  All the parties have now declared their candidates and published their manifestos.  To summarise (so you don’t have to bother reading or voting or anything):  the Greens have promised to nationalise Greggs and to replace all meat-based products with synthetic ground Vegans, the Tories will put taxes down and help all their mates to lucrative PPE contracts and peerages, Labour will put taxes up and make St Michael the patron saint of a remodelled NHS, the Lib-Dems don’t know what they want but have promised to ask people what might be popular, the SNP will sell of the parts of the UK that aren’t Scotland, and make bagpipes compulsory in all schools, and Reform have promised to fight “them” on the beaches and the landing grounds (but on a fully-costed basis). 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 9th June 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 9^th June 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      D-Town citizens attending the 80^th Anniversary of D-Day commemoration were astounded to see the diminutive leader of the Clowncil sneaking away before the service had officially ended and the photographs had been taken.  But, in a statement released before the prints had even come back from Boots, the man had apologised for his actions.  His statement read “waiting for the photos, I found myself wandering around the Market Place.  There, I accidently boarded a bus to a local airfield, where my helicopter was waiting to take me to an ITV studio in London.  With the wisdom of hindsight, I now regret my actions.  I realise now that I should not have got caught like that, and I apologise unreservedly to members of the Tory party, who may possibly lose votes over this issue.  And my flights to New York are now definitely booked for the 5^th July.” 

2.    And in a completely unexpected shock move, a local swivel-eyed gammon has declared his intention to stand as a candidate in the forthcoming General Election.  Announcing his campaign with a banana milkshake “shower” at his local McDonalds, Nigel Farrago of The Complete Fruit Cake party stated his new party’s aims and policies.  These consist of: allowing ursines to defecate in forested areas, stopping all immigration to Wiltshire, nationalising Greggs, stopping all immigration to Wiltshire, setting up a new border force to patrol the Wiltshire coastline, and (crucially) stopping all immigration to Wiltshire.  And, in a coincidence of epic proportions, he also confirmed that his airline tickets for New York are booked for 5^th July. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024