A Modern Order of Service

A Modern Service

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together to bless the opening of this New Credit Service, that lending may be made available to The Poor at Affordable Rates of Interest.

We come to join together this Man and this Woman, and this Pay-Day Lending Company into a Contract, which union is an honourable state, instituted by Wonga itself, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt the rapacious and The Marketplace.  It is also commended by the Holy Writ of the Law to be honourable among all men, and is therefore not to be enterprised, nor taken in hand, unadvisedly, lightly or wantonly; but reverently, discreetly, soberly, and in the fear of Wonga, duly considering the causes for which Usury was first ordained.

Oh Lord, open all our Credit Lines!

And also our Multiples of Borrowing Power!

PRAYER

Let us pray –

Our Wonga, which art in Usury

Hallowed be thy Brand Name

Thy Credit come

Thy Contract be done

Online, as it is by Post

Give us this day our daily money

And forgive our defaults

As we forgive them that default against us

And lead us not into gambling

But deliver us from Scratchcards

Amen

READING

Our reading today is taken from the Gospel of St Mark Carney.

And it came to pass that a Man went up the High Street, where he found many shops selling kebabs and other take-aways.  And, lo, there were charity shops, and estate agents and a pestilence of empty units.  And among them he found many money-lenders - the banks and the building societies and the pawn-shops.  And he waxed wroth, for he found that none of them would lend unto him even one single bean.  For in his past he had been a sinner, and he did have an poor Credit Rating.  And they saith unto him “get ye lost, and do not darken unto our doors again”.  And they did cast him out onto the street.  And thereat he did tear at his clothes in his anger and frustration, and then he did wipe himself down and return to his home, wherof he had first come out. And thereafter, did he log online, and it was revealed unto him, through the mysteries of cyberspace, that there was yet An Other Way.  And that Other Way was Wonga.  And Wonga.com did offer unto him untold riches, albeit at interest rates that were an Hundredfold, nay an Thousandfold, more than he could ever have afforded.  But he saw it not, and was sore amazed, and saith unto himself “Who is this Wonga?  Surely no-one could have dreamed up such a wheeze?  And Wonga must therefore be my Salvation.”

And this is the word of the Lord King.

Thus into this Unholy Contract, we now come to be joined.  Therefore if any person here present can show any just cause why this Contract should not be signed, let them now speak, or else hereafter hold their Piece of Security.

In that case – let us pay.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2013