One-Way Ticket (to Mars)
I was looking for a new challenge:
Something to banish senility’s fears,
When I spotted the advertisement,
A good way to spend my retirement years.
It said they were looking for astronauts,
To head on out into deep space,
So I signed myself up for the training,
And made my entry into the space race.
They had a great vision for mankind:
It was a mission to colonise Mars!
We’d be blasting off from the Earth,
And journeying towards the stars.
Yes, we were setting off for the Red Planet,
To establish a colony, or a base-camp,
Like the pioneers in the days of old,
I felt like Columbus as I mounted the ramp.
The blast-off was truly spectacular,
As our rocket rose towards the night sky,
And Mission Control raised a big cheer,
As they sadly waved us good-bye.
Then we pulled out of Earth’s gravity,
And, as we carefully avoided The Moon,
It hadn’t yet even occurred to me,
That I’d become a hostage to fortune.
You see, when a man settles down for a while,
And there’s no alcohol on board, no drinking,
His thoughts turn to existential matters,
And that’s when I got round to some thinking.
If we’ve dropped all of our boosters,
And we’re voyaging in this tin can,
How are we going to get back from Mars?
Won’t we be stuck there, to a man?
I voiced my concerns to the captain,
And mentioned it to the rest of the crew,
But they all just fell about in their laughter,
And said that they thought that I knew!
It turns out that this is a one-way journey!
I’ve been issued with a single ticket!
There’s no possible way to return -
Well – I mean – that’s simply not cricket!
I knew that it would take a long time,
If mankind was to make his mark,
But I didn’t realise just how final,
That day when I’d turned up to embark.
We’re to be the first of our species,
To land on Mars – that is our fate,
And if we survive our arrival,
Our next job will be to pro-create!
Now I’ve had a look round at the rest of the crew,
And there’s none I’d want go out with on a date,
So it could be a long, lonely existence,
If I’m the only one not taking a mate.
There’s one girl who’s been looking at me,
And paying me lots of attention,
I think I know what’s on her agenda,
I think I can spot her intention!
So here I am, trapped in this spaceship,
With only the Sun’s gravity to tow it,
Heading off to a fate worse than death –
It’s space, Jim, but not as we know it.
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