Doing Porridge

Doing Porridge 

They’ve found it in the long-dead stomachs

Of ancient peat-bog dwellers so old,

For it’s a very durable substance,

Once it’s set and allowed to go cold.

Scraps of it still adhere to kitchen walls,

Where a pan of it once exploded,

And it carries many a memory,

Once it’s been analysed and de-coded.

It’s a reminder of times quite distant,

A material that’s said to be fissile,

And, once rolled into a tight little ball,

It can even be used as a missile.

Now this food-stuff’s something of a winner,

And its utility takes some beating,

For it’s popular North of the Border:

A Scottish substitute for Central Heating.

Yes - I speak of a dish of hot porridge:

High in fibre, vitamins and protein,

It lowers cholesterol & blood pressure:

A meal that’s fit for a queen.

A humble bowl is so full of goodness,

Low in sugar and easy digestible,

Not like one of your fancy breakfasts,

But a food that’s a wholesome comestible.

It’s much better than a full English,

Yoghurt, muesli or hominy grits.

It tastes much smoother too,

Because it doesn’t come with the bits.

It’s not fishy like old kippers,

Nor crunchy like you get with fruit and with nuts.

It slides down all soft and seductive,

Then it sticks to the sides of your guts.

But you have to make it the true way,

Neither too heavy, nor too light.

Neither too hot nor too cold,

If you want it to be just about right.

Oatmeal and water and some salt

Is the method that really rocks,

And then you must stir it all clockwise,

If you want it to suit Goldilocks.

For the stirring keeps the Devil away,

And forces him to run and to hurtle,

And if that doesn’t seem to work,

You can despatch him with the spurtle.

   

Tho’ it’s Scottish, it don’t use a sheep’s stomach,

So from this dish there’s no need to hide.

You don’t need to eat it with Irn-Bru,

And, unlike Mars bars, it’s not even deep-fried.

They sell it in Prêt -a-Manger to take away,

And even McDonalds are in on the game.

So there must be profits in oatmeal,

But it’s good for you all the same.

It may be a guard against cold weather,

But here’s the point – if you want to take notes:

They say it’s an aphrodisiac -

So there’s more than one way of getting your oats.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2014