Yes, Chef!
There’s
nothing on telly these days,
Except
for cookery shows,
And
they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,
How
many are there? Nobody knows!
Somebody
should tell ‘er, that Nigella,
To
stop licking her fingers,
And
they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,
Cos
food pornography lingers.
It’s
a shame-y, about Jamie,
A
cheeky chappy, who’s always happy,
But
they’re all bitchin’ in his kitchen,
About
recipes that are too snappy.
I could
fall, for Heston Blumenthal,
And
be in luck, at The Fat Duck,
Cos
they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,
But
his snail porridge tastes rather….yuck!
I’d
set at defiance, his gastronomic science,
And
loudly scream, at bacon-and-egg ice-cream,
For they’re
all bitchin’ in the kitchen,
Prices
a nightmare, but food that’s a dream.
What
do you do, with Michel Roux?
It’s
very hard, to be Michelin-starred,
And
they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,
Cos
he’s French, to understand him is hard.
Myself
I would plonk, beside Raymond Blanc,
Another
Frenchman, I have to mention.
And
they’re all bitchin’ in his kitchen,
When
he uses sous-chefs as his henchmen.
I’m
still smartin’, over James Martin,
Trying
to be the best, with every celebrity guest,
Yes
they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,
When
he cooks his rare pigeon breast.
There’s
pottage, in River Cottage,
They
all have a ball, no portions are small,
For
they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,
When
Hugh Fearlessly Eats It All.
We’ll
have ham, see, with Gordon Ramsey,
It’s
absurd, when he’s carving a bird,
And
they’re all bitchin’ in his kitchen,
When
he gives them the F-word!
I’m
still looking for genuine cooking,
Something
to feed long-distance hikers,
I
don’t want any bitchin’ in the kitchen,
When
I run into the Hairy Bikers.
We’ve
had haddock, with Fanny Craddock,
We
were never annoyed, with Keith Floyd,
But
now they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,
And
the real workers are getting annoyed.
There’s
a certain quality, about the cult of personality,
It’s
not about who cooks, but more about looks,
And
they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,
When
the profit’s in coffee-table books.
See -
I’m damned, if I care about brand,
It
gets me stewed, and in a right mood,
No
wonder they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,
It’s
nothing to do with real food!
Look
there – another range of cook-ware!
Am I
really meant, to trust their endorsement?
That’s
why they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,
That’s
where the Marketing money all went!
No -
what I really like best, is a good contest,
I go
quite a load, for that John Torode,
And
they’re all bitchin’ in the kitchen,
When
their soufflés explode.
They
use Neff, on Masterchef,
Contestants
in apron and hat,
And
they’re all twitchin’ in that kitchen,
Cos
cooking doesn’t get harder than that!
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