Ten A Day
I like to count myself an upright citizen,
Conscientious in all I do and say,
To follow the rules and the guidelines,
To live my life in an exemplary way.
I always look before I leap,
To make sure that I thrive.
I make sure that I fasten my seat-belt.
And I never drink if I drive.
I wait for the green man before starting to cross,
And always give up my seat on the bus,
But this latest health advice is hard to take,
And it’s left me totally non-plussed.
See - I try to eat a balanced diet,
Avoiding too much saturated fat,
Taking in me nutrients and vitamins,
The carbs and the protein and all that.
But how do I cope with this new guidance?
Stop my nerves from starting to fray,
To intake all ten of these portions,
When I’m already struggling with my five a day?
There’s only so many veggies and fruits,
That one man can be expected to take,
Only so many different ways to eat,
Only so many sacrifices that he can make.
I’ve tried chopping them up, and stir-frying,
Baking them, boiling them and steaming,
Liquidising, juicing and spiralising,
I’ve drunk smoothies till I’m ready for screaming.
Where do people find enough time to do this?
To force that much down without a fight?
Who’s got this kind of digestion?
To say nothing of the requisite appetite?
Now I don’t mean to sound indelicate,
But whether fresh, frozen or tinned,
Vegetables do have certain qualities,
And roughage like that just creates wind.
So I’m off to the pub for a few pints -
I think I’ve still got time if I hurry.
All this worry’s making me hungry,
So I might have to go for a curry!
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