Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 27th November 2022

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 27^th November 2022

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      And it looks like Crimbo is almost upon us.  D-Town began its long slog towards the festive weekend not only with its traditional street market, lantern parade and fireworks, but also with the final of “I’m A Nobody – Get Me Into Here”, where the town’s drunks, layabouts and ne’er-do-wells complete for a few nights in a nice warm police cell, complete with three meals a day and a psychological assessment.  The competition climaxes with the infamous tests – trying to get served in Wetherspoons, nicking at least two bottles of spirits from Morrisons, and eating leftovers from the bins at the back of Costa. 

2.      D-Town’s progress from the Group Stage of The West Wiltshire Cup looks assured, provided they can avoid defeat by more than 13 goals in their final group game next week.  Following a rather boring 0-0 draw against Trowvegas the other day, local football fans declared themselves to be too bored to bother going on the usual rampage around town.  There was a bit of desultory violence in the Market Place, but you get that most nights, so no-one really noticed. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Heartless

Heartless

How did you become so heartless?

Your face completely turned away?

What did I ever do to you?

What did I fail to say?

 

Your cruelty quite shocks me

When did you turn out like this?

Suddenly you’re not there for me

No longer any loving kiss

 

Had I misread things all along?

Was I somehow quite deluded?

Your silence is utterly unbearable

Is our time so concluded?

 

It seems I’m nothing to you now

What we ever had is dead

You’ve pulled the shutters down

Nothing more than can be said

 

No use the messages I keep on sending

To you I’m just a ghost

The girl that sparkled so much for me

The daughter that I loved the most

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Cast Adrift

Cast Adrift

So I am to be cast adrift

Out on this churning sea

For reasons that I do not understand

Away from where I want to be

 

Cut off from all communication

Condemned now to drift away

Tossed upon waves of deep regret

Never allowed to have my say

 

What was it that I ever did?

Or failed so obviously to do?

I’m despatched in falling darkness

Never knowing if it’s me or if it’s you

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

 

Pot Roast Of Lamb Shoulder

Recipe for: POT ROAST OF LAMB SHOULDER 

Ingredients: 

• 1 boned shoulder of lamb
• ½ tsp ground cumin
• ½ tsp ground black pepper
• 2 tblsp fresh mint, finely chopped
• 2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
• Juice of ½ lemon
• Salt
• 2-3 tblsp olive oil
• 1 large onion, chopped
• 1 large carrot, diced
• 1 small glass white wine or water 

Method: 

1. lay the boned shoulder out flat & trim off as much excess fat from the skin side as possible
2. turn cut-side up.  Scatter the cumin, pepper, mint, garlic & salt over the surface
3. drizzle over the lemon juice
4. roll the joint up tightly, in a spiral, and secure with cooking string
5. in a large, heavy pan, just big enough to take the joint, heat 2 tblsps of oil and brown the joint all over
6. take out the lamb & set aside
7. throw in the onion & carrot, sautéing until lightly browned
8. turn the heat down very low, spread the vegetables evenly over the bottom of the pan to form a bed, and place the joint on top
9. pour over the wine or water, and season with salt & pepper
10. cover tightly & cook over a very low heat for 1½ to 2 hours, turning the lamb every ¾ hour or so, until very tender
11. rest the lamb in a warm oven for 15 minutes before slicing
12. strain the juices & serve with the lamb 

What else you need to know: 

1. you may need a little more liquid – check from time to time that the lamb is not drying out

 

PIcking Up The Poo

Picking Up The Poo 

Picking up the poo

We’re picking up the poo

We’re feeling very righteous

Picking up the poo

 

Banging in the bag

We’re banging in the bag

It’s what we’re forced to do

Banging in the bag

 

Tying up the sack

We’re tying up that sack

Stops it smelling bad

Tying up the sack

 

Hanging in the tree

We’re hanging it in the tree

Nothing to do with me

Hanging in that tree

 

Drying in the sun

They’re drying in the sun

Presents for the birdies

Hanging in the sun

 

Come see the shit-trees

Come see those shit-trees

How happy we will be

Looking at those shit-trees

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Imperial Measures

Imperial Measures 

I always knew there were benefits to Brexit

But so far there’s been very few

Just seems like a lot more paperwork

And passport covers in dark blue

 

But now that we’re pulling free from the EU

And we’ve had our Platinum Jubilee

Looks like a good time to turn the clock back

And declare an Imperial victory

 

Let Johnny Foreigner get on with his metrics

Whilst we hurry back to the old days

Let’s reclaim our British heritage

And get back to our sensible ways

 

Liquids come in pints, quarts and gallons

Money’s in pounds, shillings and pence

Lengths in inches, feet and yards

How can that not make perfect sense?

 

Horse-racing’s often over six furlongs

But 1.2 kilometres wouldn’t be the same

A wicket at cricket is a chain of 22 yards

But at 20 metres it wouldn’t be the same game

 

A mile was always a thousand Roman paces

As their armies marched to defeat us

So the Italians started this daft game

Where’s the logic in sixteen hundred metres?

 

When driving it’s daring to go over the ton

One hundred and six point nine kph has no romance

So getting us to give up MPH ain’t gonna happen

And changing from MPG – no chance

 

Our system certainly had its eccentricities

It’s what made Britain once great

Who else would have sixteen ounces to a pound

And call a hundred and twelve pounds a hundredweight?

 

A gallon’s two hundred and seventy-seven cubic inches

An acre’s 4840 square yards it’s reckoned

A ton’s twenty hundredweights

And horsepower’s 550lbs per foot per second

 

It all seems perfectly clear to me

There’s no need to go taking pills

Nor nipping down to the local

For a foaming glass of 568 mls

 

Anyway, I hope they get all this sorted out soon

This confusion’s making me wonder

It’s only a few years before I’ll be gone

And I’ll be buried 1.83 metres under

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Alcohol Neutral

Alcohol Neutral

In these times of global warming

Every one of us must do their bit

I’m ready & willing to play my part

The time has come, and this is it

 

So I’m making this formal declaration

To encourage others to do the same

I’m aiming to be alcohol-neutral by 2050

So you can see me step up my game

 

To start upon this ambitious plan

I’ll cut down on the beer I’m drinking

By at least one pint a week

But I can figure what you’re thinking

 

That it’s not very much to do

That it doesn’t get us very far

But it’s a step in the right direction

To move on from where we are

 

There’s no point upsetting the present balance

The alcohol economy must slowly adjust

No sudden movements in spending

Where gradual transition’s a must

 

Supping just this little bit less

Will put me on a path to remission

Not only improving my health

But also reducing my gastric emission

 

And before 2050 I’ll use some off-sets

To reduce my alcohol footprint

By sniffing beer-soaked towels on the bar

To ensure that publicans don’t go skint

 

And consumption might actually increase

For the next two decades or so

To reach a peak around 2040

Which is a long, long way to go

 

And of course there’s the alcohol credits

I’ve earned through these many years

By not drinking every single day

In my quota of many rounds of beers

 

Which will allow a gentler transition

On this alcohol reduction drive

Leading to my revised prediction

That it might take till 2055 

 

By then I’ll be a hundred years old

With my level of consumption diminished

Only eking out a gentle existence

Just alive, but not quite finished

 

But in the meantime I’ve got a further plan

One that will bring me to a rapture

I’ll be keeping beer cans in my second fridge

I call it “alcohol storage and capture”

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 20th November 2022

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 20^th November 2022 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      A historic day for D-Town as the long-anticipated football WC (Wiltshire Cup) finally kicked off, despite a few last-minute hitches.  The football authorities were blind-sided by a late Council decision not to allow tubes of Pringles to be taken into Fan-zones.  “What is a game of football without a Pringle?” asked one baffled, but terminally confused, fan.  Emergency supplies of other potato-based snacks were rushed to the venues just in time for the kick-off.  However, deeper questions still remain about the Council’s poor human rights record towards people with piercings and tattoos. 

2.      Meanwhile the global climate conference (COPOUT27), held in the foyer of the Travelodge on London Road, has come to an end with a final communique issued whilst delegates were still dispersing by 49 buses to Swinetown and Trowvegas.  The agreement marks a major milestone in measures to limit emissions.  Kettles swill not be boiled between 10am and 4pm, washing will be done only on Mondays, and (in a key breakthrough) Greggs steak bakes swill only be served hot, rather than at the temperature of molten lava. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

 

The Fair And The Dark

The Fair And The Dark

See the mighty waltzer as it spins around

And hear the piercing cries and screams

It’s every teenager’s great night out

Full of thrills, of hopes, of dreams

 

Watch folks emerging from the ghost train

Faces wearing masks of joy and fear

Stumbling down the exit steps

Wondering what other treats are near

 

The flashing of coloured bulbs and neon strips

Lighting up the night-time sky

The blasting and pounding of the music

As the cars go whizzing by

 

Catch the drifting smells of sizzling hot dogs

The candy-floss and buttered popcorn

The slowing of the circling wheels

Rides ended by the hooting of the horn

 

The swing-boats and the carousel

The helter-skelter and the ferris-wheel

But best of all the dodgem-cars

Dashing round on their plates of steel

 

But behind the scenes things are rather darker

Amongst the shadows where there’s little light

A different world of trucks and cables

Hidden in the foldings of the night

 

The rusting, oily lorry couplings

A glamorous world this surely ain’t

The sooty smell of burning diesel

The peeling layers of gaudy paint

 

Here the engines keep on running

The generators pumping out their smoke

Dumping out their blackened fumes

Keeping power flowing with every stroke

 

And in those hidden spaces round the back

When the teenagers collect and huddle

Where there’s no-one around to see

The occasional kiss and cuddle

 

And in the morning, when it’s all been shut down

And the heavy men knock it all apart

Collapsed and loaded on the painted lorries

The magic’s gone and they’re ready to depart

 

Only the tyre-ruts that cut into the Green

Shapes of faded, trampled grass

Betray the evidence of what was once here

But not its story, nor how it came to pass

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Billionaire In Space

Billionaires In Space

I have to catch the evening rocket

That’ll carry me far into space

It’s a kind of competition you see

A veritable private space-race

 

I’ll sit there in the tiny cockpit

Sitting above several tons of the booster

And if I get to be first to do it

I’ll be able to crow like a rooster

 

For a few seconds I’ll be weightless

As I float above the blue Earth

Something that so few others have done

A visible proof of my net worth

 

They say that space is empty of matter

Leaving the airlock would lead to one’s doom

But I’m quite comfortable up here

Living in my own moral vacuum

 

And as I gaze down on our planet

My heart swells and fills to the max

To think of the millions down there toiling

And so many of them who pay tax!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

 

Honey & Mustard Ketchup

Recipe for: HONEY & MUSTARD “KETCHUP” 

Ingredients: 

·        2-4  medium onions, peeled & very finely chopped

·        4 cloves garlic, peeled & very finely chopped

·        2 tblsp oil

·        2 tblsp light Muscovado sugar

·        2 tblsp honey

·        4 tsp English mustard powder

·        1 tsp ground cinnamon

·        2 tsp turmeric

·        1 tsp salt

·        1 tsp fresh-ground black pepper

·        6 tblsp cider vinegar

·        4 tsp wholegrain mustard

 

Method: 

1.      In a large frying pan, gently fry the onions & garlic in the oil until lightly golden (do not brown)

2.      Add the remaining ingredients, one by one, stirring all the time over a gentle heat

3.      Cook slowly until the mixture thickens slightly

4.      Keep tasting, adding more mustard or honey (and salt) to taste

5.      Whilst cooking, sterilise suitable glass jars (by washing then heating in the oven), ready for the mixture when it’s cooked

6.      Using a plastic funnel, decant the mixture into the jar (s)

 

What else you need to know: 

1.      You can change the flavour by adding more honey (sweeter), more mustard powder & pepper (spicier)

2.      You can change the texture by straining the mixture through a sieve, keeping back some of the solids, if you want a smoother mixture.  Or you could use a hand-held liquidiser.

 

Poly-Amorous

Poly-Amorous

I love a girl at the end of our street

She’s good-looking and glamorous

I think that her name is Polly

Which, if true, would make me Polly-amorous

 

She’s the only girl for me now

But I think I may be missing a trick

When I told others of my new love

They said I’d got hold of the wrong end of the stick

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Pan-Sexual

Pan-Sexual

I think I’ve become a pan-sexual

The cupboards hold no mystery for me

So many ways of cooking I’d like to try out

How my head was turned is easy to see

 

I can’t restrict myself to only one way

So many different ways to do one’s cooking

No longer constrained by out-dated conventions

And I’m not talking of just looking

 

Now my life sports a variety of lids

All this cookware is no longer contextual

My whole outlook has changed for the better

Now that I’ve become a pan-sexual

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Bi-Sauce-ual

Bi-Sauce-ual

I cannot live with myself any longer

I refuse to live the life of a fool

I’ve simply got to come out of the closet

And admit that I am in fact bi-sauce-ual

 

Sometimes I’m feeling so lonely

I’m miserable and I get really down

So when I need sauce upon my meal

There’s nothing else for it but brown

 

But, then, other times, my mood’s much better

And full of happiness I’ll fetch up

I just feel so completely different

And then I know it must be ketchup!

 

For years I’ve pretended to be normal

Sticking clearly to just one sauce

But now I can’t deny my ambivalence

And complete honesty is my only course

 

It’s not something that I’ve pretended

For I know that I was simply born this way

Clearly I was still in the closet

Consuming just one sauce each day

 

But now I’ve confessed to my true nature

I’m feeling all liberated and free

I can flip-flop my savoury tastes at will

Between Heinz 57 and the blessed HP

 

I mean - brown or red? – what does it matter?

To be judged only by the colour of our sauce

We all need to be a lot less prejudiced

And I think more tolerant of course!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 6th November 2022

 Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 6^th November 2022

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      D-Town citizens are in shock as their Christmas festivities come under threat.  Not only is the most popular car to steal, the Ford Fiesta, to cease production, but further bad news has leaked out.  The makers of Pringles have announced that they are to remove the coconut-flavoured crisp from the middle of their mixed flavours tubes.  Whilst some people have seen this as a bounty, others have taken to the streets to protest. 

2.      Meanwhile the world of Social Media has been rocked to its core as local magnate and serial entrepreneur E. Longdusk has seized control of D-Town’s Fantasy Radio.  On his first day of ownership half the staff (three people) were sacked via email and told to clear their desks.  The playing of moderate middle-of-the-road music is expected to cease, with a greater emphasis on Heavy Rightwing Metal and modern Crap-hop styles. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

 

Old-Age Wealth

Old-Age Wealth

People told me that as I got older

I’d lose what was left of my health

That with my pension I’d get poorer

And fail to hang on to my wealth

 

But that couldn’t be further from the truth!

That statement’s completely unfair

Cos I’ve loads of gold in my teeth

And silver streaks through my hair

 

My skin’s turned nearly copper

Because I use plenty of oil

I’ve acquired many pearls of wisdom

Through so many years of toil

 

I’ve got crystals in my kidneys

And sugar runs in my blood

There’s platinum in my hip now

Surely that’s got to be good?

 

There’s plenty of iron in my diet

The spinach is not easy to pass

And thanks to all the beans that I’m eating

An inexhaustible supply of natural gas!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

I'm In Love With My Life-guard

I’m In Love With My Life-guard 

I’m in love with my life-guard

She’s safely watching over me

As I thrash around in the water

And I think her name is Emily

 

I’m in love with my life-guard

Her lovely hair is long and fair

As the swimmers do their lengths

She gazes from high up in her chair

 

I’m in love with my life-guard

Though she never notices me

Perhaps some day she’ll save my life

What a miracle that would be

 

I’m in love with my life-guard

Though it’s hopeless I can see

She’s staring out above me

And I think her name is Emily

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

Cheese & Herb Scones

Recipe for: CHEESE & HERB SCONES (makes 10-12) 

Ingredients: 

• 110g butter
• 450g plain flour + extra for shaping
• 150ml milk
• 1 large egg
• Large bunch of any herb or mixture, preferably fresh – picked & finely chopped
• 5-6 spring onions, finely chopped
• 200g mature cheddar, coarsely grated
• 100g parmesan, finely grated
• 3 tsp baking powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 tsp mustard powder 

Method: 

1. Preheat oven to 180C
2. Place flour & butter in a large bowl, rubbing together with fingertips to form breadcrumb mixture
3. Add most of cheese, keeping some back for topping
4. Add baking powder, mustard powder, herbs, salt
5. In another bowl beat the egg and add the milk
6. Pour this mixture into the dry mixture & mix carefully until it comes together into a dough
7. Form the dough into a ball, then roll out on a floured surface until 1” thick
8. Either cut out shapes with a cookie-cutter or use a knife to cut into rough square
9. Sprinkle on remaining cheese to tops of the scones
10. Place apart on a lightly-oiled baking sheet
11. bake for 25-30 minutes, until puffed & golden 

What else you need to know: 

1. great accompaniment to soups & chowders, but good on their own too
2. better warm than cold

Filthy Rich

Filthy Rich

Darling – you won’t believe the trouble I’m having

I’m sure it’ll fill you so full of mirth

It’s no joke being so terribly, terribly wealthy

Being an individual of ultra-high worth

 

People simply don’t seem to understand

How hard it is to get the service one requires

It’s all very well being an ultra-VIP

But it doesn’t fulfil all that one desires

 

There’s more to life than just Waitrose

Or hampers from Fortnum’s to show style

One needs a personal account at Tiffany’s

And to have Harrods on speed-dial

 

Of course one buys one’s Bollinger in bulk

Though discounts are hardly a factor

It’s more a case of the quantities involved

As it won’t all fit in our Chelsea Tractor

 

Naturally we reside in a gated community

The detached country house is very exclusive

Most of the staff live off-site though

Or else their presence might be intrusive

 

The Help includes a butler, and a cook

To manage with less I’d be something of a fool

There’s a full-time cleaner, and two gardeners

Not forgetting the boy who cleans out the pool

 

The property boasts so many bedrooms

That I’ve lost count of just how many

With “his” and “hers” swimming pools

And a personal fitness guru called Penny

 

There’s also a bolt-hole mews house in Belgravia

For when one is simply forced to pop up to town

But occasionally we like to stay at The Ritz

Because it’s too boring to be on one’s own

 

Did I mention the private island near Mustique?

Which we cruise to on board of our yacht?

Yes I know it’s over a hundred and fifty foot long

But it’s the only one that we’ve got!

 

It carries a speedboat, and a submarine

With a gym, a cinema, and a large heli-pad

But we’ve kept the crew down to thirty

And the defensive missile system ain’t bad 

 

We keep a little palazzo in Lombardy

Which we can slip away to in late Spring

Oh – and a condo in Manhattan

Whenever the Big Apple’s our thing

 

We used to have a shooting estate in Scotland

But we found the local accents a drain

And, apart from the midges and haggis,

The only entertainment was watching the rain

 

We used to travel everywhere First Class

But we’ve since commissioned our own private jet

It’s useful for popping to places for ski-ing

In fact there’s almost nowhere we can’t get

 

Our twin daughters, Jocasta and Chlamydia,

Are tucked away in a boarding school for the elite

Taking conversational Italian and Chinese

And learning to play viola, which is quite sweet

 

They have their own personal therapists,

Stylists, publicists, secretaries and so on

With access to exotic spa treatments

And gold-plated iPhones – need I go on?

 

For their next birthdays we have plans –

We’ll hire Elton John to sing Happy Birthday,

Get them some matching designer pets

And maybe a racehorse – what can I say?

 

But now I’m sorry, but I really must dash -

My Wealth Counsellor says he must have a chat

About those space flights my people have booked

You really can’t get more expensive than that!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022

 

Ooh! Matron!

Ooh Matron! – What A Carry On

Don’t you bandy words with me, my friend

Nor act the goat like some silly-billy

Use the proper language like you ought to

Not all over the place, all willy-nilly

 

Let’s talk about the undiscussable

A subject that’ll make you very jumpy -

How’s Your Father, Hanky-Panky

Yes - I mean slap-and-tickle, a bit of Rumpy-Pumpy

 

So let us not delay nor shilly-shally,

But use these euphemisms to be witty

So that when we get down to the jiggy-jiggy

We’re not being coy, but near the nitty-gritty

 

Some people fancy a Yummy Mummy

And say so when they’re feeling flirty

But what about a Sweaty Betty, Busty Dusty,

Frilly Jilly, Bendy Wendy or a Dirty Gertie?

 

See - it’s all about the way you were brought up

And the cloth from which you were cut

Never be afraid to mention the unmentionable

After all – it’s just good old honest smut!

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2022