Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 26th November 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 26^th November 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The streets of D-Town were deserted yesterday evening, and tumbleweed blew through the empty shop doorways in The Brittox.  The entire population, so evident in the Market Place in their thousands on Friday night, had entirely evaporated.  Shops closed early and the pubs were deserted.  Even Wetherspoons regulars had apparently gone missing.  Meanwhile on The Green the sight of a tattered old police-box, emerging through the mist and accompanied by grinding noises, had attracted the attention of a few wild birds.  A man, who had emerged from the box, with wild hair and claiming to be a doctor, accompanied by a young girl (possibly under sixteen) was arrested on suspicion of time-travelling without a licence, and the kidnap of a minor. 

2.    Earlier in the week citizens had been shocked to discover that time was indeed merely a relative concept.  Not only did Black Friday begin on Tuesday afternoon, but it also lasted for a week in some areas, and a whole month in other places.  Maudlin Monday and Purple Thursdays are concepts that are yet to take off, but Christmas will now begin (according to leading supermarkets) in August.  Easter eggs are due in the shops on New Year’s Day.  And, although it’s months yet until pancake day, the shops are already full of milk, flour and eggs. Go figure. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 19th November 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 19^th November 2023

 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The Tory leader of the Local Council has now completed his Cabinet re-shuffle.  In a vain attempt to appeal to hard-line right-wingers before the upcoming election next year, leader Richman So-Nice has drafted in some elder statesmen from the past.  The Foreign Secretary will be Pitt The Elder, the Home Secretary’s portfolio will be assumed by Benjamin Disraeli, and the Chancellor of the Exchequer will be Winston Churchill.  Facing criticism on these appointments, a spokesperson defended the move, saying that, under current Clowncil rules, pre-decease is no bar to holding public office. 

2.    And, after failing in its bid to nationalise Greggs, the Clowncil has decided to enact a local by-law which changes the status of any purveyor of hot steak bakes from “bakery” to “betting shop”, thus bringing the chain under local planning control.  A further by-law will also come into force whereby any by-law that nationalises a betting shop cannot be further challenged in court.  The Clowncil batted away any claims that this was not democratic.  And, in further surprise moves, bears denied having any defecatory intentions towards woodland, and the Pontiff of Rome has pooh-poohed any idea that he had any leanings towards a censer-based religion based in the Italian capital. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 12th November 2023

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 12^th November 2023 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The streets of D-Town were awash with police and armed forces yesterday, in anticipation of public disorder as a protest rally (described by the Secretary of the Town Council as a “hate march”) took place.  The march, which was described as “Pro-Sainsbury” by its supporters, but “Anti-Lidl” by its detractors, passed off with little violence.  Almost one person was arrested, and a compromise was reached when both sides agreed to share a ready meal from Marks & Spencer’s Food Hall.  A simultaneous peaceful vigil outside Iceland passed off without incident. 

2.      Meanwhile, the corner shop in Hillworth has broken ranks with its competitors by removing its single self-service checkout till.  Customers at the shop will be transported back decades in time by being forced to take their purchases up to the counter and pay for them by using the services of a “shopkeeper”.  It is expected that a “cheery word” protocol will be introduced, together with Please & Thank-You procedures.  Thought is also being put into the ideas of “no tick, so please don’t ask” and “buy one, pay for one” as new marketing ploys, but thatr is very much under wraps at the moment. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2023