Drivel From D-Town - Dateline Sunday 30th June 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 30^th June 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      The D-Town Branch of Reform UK has announced that “there is no room in this party for racists, misogynists, or anti-Semites”.  It later stated that this may have given a somewhat false impression of their views.  It later clarified that there was no room for such people, since it was already completely full of them.  In fact, there is a waiting list to get in. 

2.    And in an attempt to get into the mood for summer music festivals, following last week’s Isle of Wight festival, and this week-end’s Glastonbury festival, and a total inability to get any tickets, a D-Town couple have decided to try and re-create the whole Festival Experience at their home.  After locking themselves out of the house for four days, the pair are now camping in a corner of their garden.  They have rigged up a sound system which plays Coldplay and The Sugababes on a constant loop at high volume.  The security lights stay on all night, and they have attracted complaints and abuse from their neighbours at both sides of their property.  They have had little in the way of sleep.  After eating badly barbecued food, and drinking cans of warm lager, they are taking it in turns to have a fairly runny crap behind the potting shed.  They are currently looking forward to the traditional Sunday tea-time “legends” slot, which will feature a CD of Benny Hill singing “The Fastest Milkman In The West”. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 16th June 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 16^th June 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      It’s that day of the year again when all true British people, and especially those in D-Town, come out on Facebook and admit that they have yet again submitted themselves to another American marketing fad, by wishing their male parent (on the huge assumption that they actually know who this is) a Happy Father’s Day.  The ritual is made particularly poignant for those parents who are actually dead, or who wouldn’t know what Facebook was even if slapped them in the knackers with a wet haddock, because they’ll never (tragically) get to read such virtue-signalling posts.  Council bin-men working Monday or Tuesday shifts are particularly concerned with the extra work caused by the huge amounts of discarded ties, hankies, mugs with “Best Dad” slogans, beer glasses with crossed golf clubs, socks, and other detritus being dumped into wheelie bins.  

2.    And the General Erection campaign drones on.  All the parties have now declared their candidates and published their manifestos.  To summarise (so you don’t have to bother reading or voting or anything):  the Greens have promised to nationalise Greggs and to replace all meat-based products with synthetic ground Vegans, the Tories will put taxes down and help all their mates to lucrative PPE contracts and peerages, Labour will put taxes up and make St Michael the patron saint of a remodelled NHS, the Lib-Dems don’t know what they want but have promised to ask people what might be popular, the SNP will sell of the parts of the UK that aren’t Scotland, and make bagpipes compulsory in all schools, and Reform have promised to fight “them” on the beaches and the landing grounds (but on a fully-costed basis). 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

 

 

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 9th June 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 9^th June 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      D-Town citizens attending the 80^th Anniversary of D-Day commemoration were astounded to see the diminutive leader of the Clowncil sneaking away before the service had officially ended and the photographs had been taken.  But, in a statement released before the prints had even come back from Boots, the man had apologised for his actions.  His statement read “waiting for the photos, I found myself wandering around the Market Place.  There, I accidently boarded a bus to a local airfield, where my helicopter was waiting to take me to an ITV studio in London.  With the wisdom of hindsight, I now regret my actions.  I realise now that I should not have got caught like that, and I apologise unreservedly to members of the Tory party, who may possibly lose votes over this issue.  And my flights to New York are now definitely booked for the 5^th July.” 

2.    And in a completely unexpected shock move, a local swivel-eyed gammon has declared his intention to stand as a candidate in the forthcoming General Election.  Announcing his campaign with a banana milkshake “shower” at his local McDonalds, Nigel Farrago of The Complete Fruit Cake party stated his new party’s aims and policies.  These consist of: allowing ursines to defecate in forested areas, stopping all immigration to Wiltshire, nationalising Greggs, stopping all immigration to Wiltshire, setting up a new border force to patrol the Wiltshire coastline, and (crucially) stopping all immigration to Wiltshire.  And, in a coincidence of epic proportions, he also confirmed that his airline tickets for New York are booked for 5^th July. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 2nd June 2024

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 2^nd June 2024 

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:                                              

1.      As the General Election campaign drones on into its second week, and the citizenry of D-Town slowly loses the will to live, the competing parties have stepped up their various games in a futile attempt to grab the attention of the electorate.  The Tories will introduce hanging and flogging, even for minor offences.  Labour will tax the windfall profits of gibbet and stock-makers, and the Lib Dems are going to have a jolly good think about it all.  Awaiting the formal release of the official party manifestos in the next couple ofweeks, D-Town residents have been observed entering their garden bomb shelters to avoid party canvassers, taking down satellite dishes to avoid all media news input, and boarding up their houses to avoid the delivery of political leaflets. 

2.    And as the long two-day Summer continues to stretch Britons to the limit, there is a bumper festival of sport to look forward to.  The D-Town cricket T20 team has jetted off to the other side of Swinetown to compete in the All-Wiltshire finals, where they are expected to be heavily defeated in all four of their first-round matches, and be back home in time for the next Bank Holiday.  Similarly the hopes of an entire town go with DFC as they strive to make a mark in the South of England football finals.  Star players such as Justin Thyme, Alf Resco and Terry Fide will seek, yet again for the 44^th time since 1966, to bring “it” home. 

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2024