The Things I’ve Learned From
Watching Shakespeare’s Plays
If you have tears, be prepared to
shed them now:
1. Never
poke your sword into the arras, since you might end up killing your
girlfriend’s Dad.
2. If
you suspect that your lover has committed suicide, get a proper second medical
opinion before doing anything rash, as they might just be in some sort of coma.
3. Don’t
believe in prophecies, as they can be highly misleading. For example, whole forests can shift their
location, for a whole load of reasons – global warming being only the most
recent.
4. It’s
a dumb idea to hand over all your assets to your children after you retire, but
before you’ve made firm arrangements for your later life care. Your children may not be as grateful as you
might expect and the whole situation could turn nasty. They may cut the size of your retinue – and
who needs that when you’re 80?
5. When
making love to someone in a darkened room, have a chat with them first as it’s
amazingly easy to end up having sex with the wrong person.
6. It’s
a good idea to leave quickly when being pursued by a bear.
7. Don’t
count on your friends being the sort of people you want to have closely around
you at a toga party. Knives are very
easily concealed as weapons, and likely to lead to such outbursts as “infamy!
Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!”
8. If
in an enchanted forest, try not to fall asleep.
You may wake up feeling a complete ass. Or fall in love with completely
the wrong person.
9. Boys’
affections can be quite fickle. For
example Romeo was madly in love with Rosaline one minute, the next second he’s
head over heels with Juliet.
10. Do
proper research on prices on comparison websites. For example you can usually get a perfectly
good horse for rather less than a kingdom.
11. Payday
lenders sometimes have a role to play.
If your cargo is not delivered on time, even Wonga’s extortionate rate
of interest can be preferable to hacking off a pound of your own stomach.
12. Make
sure that you know exactly where your acquaintances are buried. One skull can
look very much like another.
13. Don’t
believe all you hear about witches. If
you encounter three ugly old women, gathered around a large cauldron, and
cackling in verse incoherently, they are most likely to be the local branch of
the WI engaged in their jam-making activities.
14. If
you have tricky-to-remove stains on your hands, try soaking them in a solution
of bicarbonate of soda before rushing off to see your psychiatrist.
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