The Girl At Greggs

The Girl At Greggs (other High Street Bakers Are Available)

I’ll tell you a tale of love unrequited,

That’ll drain your emotions to the dregs,

Of how I made a grand fool of myself,

All because of that gorgeous girl at Greggs.

She was pretty, she was down-right handsome:

About her there was nothing nasty.

She was real classy in her uniform,

And the Queen of the Cornish Pasty.

She moved behind her counter like a tiger,

Serving customers with a flourish.

And shortly I began to have feelings:

My romantic hopes I started to nourish.

Would she ever notice me all forlorn?

Would a girl like her even look twice?

Pining across the Starburst doughnuts,

Lusting after her savoury slice?

I worshipped the ground that she walked on,

I hoped that together we’d have fun.

I admired her loaves, both wholemeal and white,

Her tea-cakes, her croissants and buns.

But I wasn’t alone in seeing her charms:

There was a rival for her heart -

The man from the bakery fancied his chances,

And soon made a play for her mixed berry tart.

I couldn’t compete with his range of pastries,

His slices, and fancies, and pies.

And the size of his macaroons,

I could see, had really opened her eyes.

So she cared nothing for me, it was clear,

And I knew that I’d just have to lump it.

The bakery man had all the answers -

So he was the man getting the crumpet.

The baguette and the pain-au-chocolat,

No longer tasted so buttery rich,

I’d missed out on the special meal deal -

There was nothing filling my sandwich.

The coffee had become watery and thin:

It made me feel foolish and sick.

I’d not used my loaf to win her -

I was a pork pie short of a picnic.

My sausage roll seemed smaller next day,

And jelly had gone into my legs:

I began to feel like a real doughnut,

Pining for my beautiful girl at Greggs.

But she no longer works there I’m told,

According to breakfasting chaps.

I’ve moved on to Reeves on the High Street,

And I no longer dream of her baps.

Which just goes to prove that love is painful:

For an omelette you have to crack eggs,

And you can get your cream horn filled anywhere –

You don’t have to go just to Greggs.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

BBC Continuity Announcement - The End Of The World

BBC Continuity Announcement – The End Of The World

Thank-you Kirsty Young.  And that was the last in the current series of Desert Island Discs.

And now, before the next programme, we have an important announcement.

Within the last few minutes, the Government has announced that the World will end early tomorrow morning.  The exact time is not currently known.  This is thought to be as the result of the Earth being struck by a massive meteorite from Outer Space.  The planet, its atmosphere, and everything in it, will be utterly destroyed.  All species, including mankind, will wiped from the face of the Earth and become extinct.  Nothing will survive.  The globe will become a burned-out empty cinder, a dead planetary object, destined to circle the Sun for billions of years until our Solar System is itself destroyed when the Universe finally collapses.

The situation is hopeless.  There is nothing you can do.  There is nothing anyone can do.  All precautions, and mitigating actions against cataclysmic Armageddon, are futile. Do not attempt to run.  Do not attempt to hide.  There is nowhere you can go.

The Government suggests that, in the last few hours before certain annihilation, citizens should seek to gather their loved ones around them, to make their peace with whatever spiritual deity they happen to believe in, and to return all library books in good time.

In the light of this rather unique situation, there will be a few changes to tomorrow’s schedules on BBC Radio 4:

·        The Today programme, hosted by John Humphrys,  will begin half an hour earlier than normal, to allow time for a studio discussion between the leading political parties on the implications for mankind, and to discuss whose particular policies are to blame for the current meteorite crisis;

·        The Thought For The Day slot will be extended from its normal two minutes to three hours, as the leader of one of our major religious sects seeks to grapple with the spiritual meaning of this particular End of Days.  This will be set against the decision by the Synod of The Church of England to attempt to finally rush through a vote on the ordination of Women Bishops;

·        The scheduled edition of Gardeners’ Question Time will be postponed indefinitely, pending improved weather conditions for planting out Spring bulbs;

·        The Weather Forecast will focus on the short –term picture only, and will drop its normal medium and long-range forecasts;

·        A special programme will be broadcast, hosted by Melvyn Bragg, together with a panel of experts, who will debate the issue “Destruction Of The Earth – What Will This Mean For Arts Funding?”;

·        Next week’s edition of Moneybox – Live, with Paul Lewis, will be brought forward to give listeners the opportunity to phone in with their questions on what this will mean for mortgages, lending and saving rates.  Listeners are encouraged to call in early, as this is expected to be a very busy programme;

·        And, finally, all other programmes originally scheduled to be broadcast before the week-end, will now be available early on i-Player.  Don’t forget – you can either listen now, or you can download the programmes for listening later.  Well, before, lunchtime anyway.

We realise that some listeners may find the contents of this bulletin slightly upsetting.  If you, or anyone you know, have been affected by the issues raised, there is a special Helpline which you can call.  The number is charged at local rates for calls from land-lines, but your network operator may charge more for calls from mobiles.  This service is not available to callers outside the UK.

Anyway - now it’s time for today’s edition of The Archers, where there’s consternation in The Bull at the falling price of dairy cattle.

CUE – Archers’ Theme

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 5th November 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 5^th November 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                                  

1.      The civic corridors of power in D-Town have been shaken this week by a series of allegations of sexual misconduct against several serving councillors.  Theresa Green, leader of the Field Land-Owners’ Party (FLOP) is said to have touched a horse’s fetlock in 1975.  And Jezzer Corny-Bin, head of the Carrot-Rooters’ Action Party (CRAP) is accused of using inappropriate language with a goat on numerous occasions.  A protest meeting is to be held this coming Tuesday night – meet at the Rolf Harris bench outside the Jimmy Savile Memorial Hall at 7pm.

2.      And fireworks were very much the order of the day in The Vize’s Supreme Court on Thursday when pan-Wiltshire arrest warrants were issued for the arrest of the Potterne Separatists’ leaders Hugh Jarse and Norma Snockers.  The couple had briefly fled to the local fleshpots of Trowvegas, but were not thought to be seeking public sanctuary there.  Having been completely confused by the infamous one-way system in the town’s centre, they were found in the wilds of Somerset, rambling incoherently and in a distressed and dishevelled state.  TrowVegas can affect people like that.

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Things I've Learned From Watching Shakespeare's Plays

The Things I’ve Learned From Watching Shakespeare’s Plays

If you have tears, be prepared to shed them now:

1.      Never poke your sword into the arras, since you might end up killing your girlfriend’s Dad.

2.      If you suspect that your lover has committed suicide, get a proper second medical opinion before doing anything rash, as they might just be in some sort of coma.

3.      Don’t believe in prophecies, as they can be highly misleading.  For example, whole forests can shift their location, for a whole load of reasons – global warming being only the most recent.

4.      It’s a dumb idea to hand over all your assets to your children after you retire, but before you’ve made firm arrangements for your later life care.  Your children may not be as grateful as you might expect and the whole situation could turn nasty.  They may cut the size of your retinue – and who needs that when you’re 80?

5.      When making love to someone in a darkened room, have a chat with them first as it’s amazingly easy to end up having sex with the wrong person.

6.      It’s a good idea to leave quickly when being pursued by a bear.

7.      Don’t count on your friends being the sort of people you want to have closely around you at a toga party.  Knives are very easily concealed as weapons, and likely to lead to such outbursts as “infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!”

8.      If in an enchanted forest, try not to fall asleep.  You may wake up feeling a complete ass. Or fall in love with completely the wrong person.

9.      Boys’ affections can be quite fickle.  For example Romeo was madly in love with Rosaline one minute, the next second he’s head over heels with Juliet.

10.   Do proper research on prices on comparison websites.  For example you can usually get a perfectly good horse for rather less than a kingdom.

11.   Payday lenders sometimes have a role to play.  If your cargo is not delivered on time, even Wonga’s extortionate rate of interest can be preferable to hacking off a pound of your own stomach.

12.   Make sure that you know exactly where your acquaintances are buried. One skull can look very much like another.

13.   Don’t believe all you hear about witches.  If you encounter three ugly old women, gathered around a large cauldron, and cackling in verse incoherently, they are most likely to be the local branch of the WI engaged in their jam-making activities.

14.   If you have tricky-to-remove stains on your hands, try soaking them in a solution of bicarbonate of soda before rushing off to see your psychiatrist.

 Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

A Thief In The Night

Burglar

Awoken by a bump in the night, a noise I wish could have resisted.

I didn’t want to investigate, but the wife – she’d insisted.

So, armed with what first came to my hand, I crept quietly down the stair,

Clutching a pair of her curling tongs, to discover who might be there.

There was a light on in the kitchen: so - there was the criminal joker!

I shouted out - just to warn him: “Hey! I’m armed with a big poker!”

I heard a noise and dashed bravely in, to chase off the thief,

But the sight that met my eyes was one I could hardly believe.

The youth, he was just sitting there in the chair, as calm as can be,

Helping himself to some cornflakes, with cold milk, as far as I could see.

He didn’t look so threatening, slumped at the table, almost dejected,

He didn’t have the traditional look of the cat-burglar I’d expected.

He wasn’t armed and dangerous, and there was no sign of a mask,

He didn’t wear a long stripey jumper, nor have a bag marked “swag” to help in his task.

He wasn’t alarmed to see me; in fact, he didn’t even frown,

Just said: “Calm yourself, Grandad! -and put those curling-tongs down!”

I said: “A man’s home is his castle – about that, you need to be clear,

You shouldn’t be eating my cornflakes; in fact, you shouldn’t even be here!”

He said that as I was here now, he could guess how I must feel.

He didn’t have the heart to burgle, and from me he’d better not steal.

House-breaking’s not all it’s cracked up to be; the risks hardly make it worth-while,

Biting dogs and alarm systems were really cramping his style.

The hours were anti-social, always having to come in the night,

And he wasn’t getting much sleep, never seeing much of the daylight.

By the time I’d heard his story I could see things from his side,

And felt so very sorry for him; - well, I very near cried.

I saw him out through the door, once he’d had a good rest,

I hoped he’d do well in the future, and then I wished him all the best.

I locked the door behind him, reflecting on what we’d both said,

And, knowing that crime doesn’t pay, made my way happily back to bed.

It was next morning that I discovered my wallet and keys he’d lifted,

He’d been back again in the night and all my valuables shifted.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Oxtail

Recipe for: OXTAIL

Ingredients:

• One Ox tail, jointed
• Flour & seasoning for coating
• One onion, very finely chopped
• One carrot, peeled & very finely chopped
• One stick celery, washed & very finely chopped
• 1 pt hot beef stock
• Sunflower oil for frying

 Method:

1. roll the oxtail pieces in seasoned flour on a plate
2. heat the oil in a large flameproof casserole dish, and fry the floured oxtail pieces, probably in two batches
3. remove the oxtail from the pan & keep warm
4. add a little more oil to the pan if needed, and add the onion, carrot & celery
5. fry for 5-10 minutes, until beginning to soften
6. add the seasoned flour from the plate you used to coat the oxtail pieces
7. fry for a few minutes to cook the flour, then add the beef stock
8. bring back to the boil, scraping the pan to loosen any bits from frying the oxtail
9. lower the heat to a simmer, then add the oxtail pieces back to pan, pushing them down & in among the vegetables
10. the liquid should almost cover the oxtail pieces, so add a little water if it looks too low
11. transfer the casserole, with a tightly-fitted lid, to a very low oven 120C/ fan 105C and cook for 4-5 hours.  Check after 30 minutes to see if the liquid is bubbling too hard – you want the lowest oven temperature possible that will just make the liquid simmer
12. check every hour or so that the oxtail is cooking slowly & doesn’t need any more water
13. it’s cooked only when the fat on the oxtail pieces starts to render down, and the meat can be pulled away from the bones very easily.  It should be incredibly tender.
14. Pour off the layer of fat which will have gathered on the surface, then serve

What else you need to know:

1. if the meat doesn’t come away from the bones easily it’s not done
2. if there is anything left, the liquor can be used as a soup next day, together with any pieces of meat taken from the bones – chill overnight in the fridge, then spoon off any solidified fat, add a little water – and away you go.
3. you can also take out a few spoonfuls of the vegetable liquor, blitz it with a blender, then return to the pan.  This makes a thick, meaty, warming soup/ broth.

Deer

Deer

Stumbling, I almost fall forward,

A stray bootlace dragged in the mud

Of the trail as I wearily walk,

So bend down to make the thing good.

Glad of the rest, but breaking my rhythm,

Quickly all fingers and thumbs,

Then looking up suddenly

I am almost struck dumb.

Frightened, but standing her ground,

Stands the trembling, terrified beast,

Staring unblinking straight forward,

Determined to face me, at least.

Not thirty feet between us,

The doe regretting her error,

Unwilling to turn her back upon me,

Despite her evident terror.

Time stands still for an instant,

The deer holding my stare,

No sound and no movement

For either of us, both fully aware.

Unmoving, the tableau continues,

A stand-off on the track,

Impossible to break away,

Neither can turn back.

This meeting of different worlds,

Here in the heat of the day,

Each uncomprehending the other,

The deer desperate to slip away.

Then a change of scent, or some movement,

Perhaps a sound somewhere to the right,

It takes just less than a second,

And she’s suddenly passed from my sight.

The bushes have swallowed her up,

And with a movement of some grace,

The lady has turned and fled,

Vanished, leaving without any trace.

I look about for her, of course,

Searching around everywhere,

But Nature has concealed her well,

Almost as if she’d never been there.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017