Drivel From Devizes - Dateline Sunday 17th December 2017

Drivel From Devizes: Dateline – Sunday 17^th December 2017

Here is our weekly round-up of events from D-Town:

                                                  

1.      Major disappointment was felt this week as the news that the rich man’s wedding to the celebrity at the big house will be held next year on the same Saturday as the West Wiltshire Germolene League (Northern Section)’s Cup Final.  Not only will there be no extra time off work, but families across the borough will clearly be torn apart by conflicting loyalties.  Special counselling services are to be set up to help people at this difficult time, and special prayers will be said in D-Town’s cathedral for deliverance from these dark days.

2.      And, in a major break-through moment in Drexit negotiations, it has been agreed in principle, subject to several pages of caveats, and conditional upon the support of the D-Town Unionist Party (DUP), that the composition of the red line which marks the border between the town and the village of Potterne, will be a soft pencil drawing on a piece of paper to be held in a “strong and stable” filing cabinet in a locked room in the Town Hall.  But, as is usual in these situations, it has been agreed that nothing is agreed until everything is agreed.  Perhaps.  Maybe.

3.      For details of these and all other Devizes stories, don’t forget to listen to local radio station D-Town F-Off.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Paranoid @ Christmas

Paranoid @ Christmas

Finished with my turkey

'cause I couldn’t stuff it any more

People think I'm insane

Because I find Christmas such a chore

All day long I think of sprouts

But they don’t seem to satisfy

Think I'll lose my appetite

If I don't find something to get me by

Can you help me? Rich giblet gravy? Oh yeah!

I need someone to show me

The gifts in shops that I can't find

I can't see the baubles that make true happiness,

I must be blind

Pull a cracker and I will sigh

And you will laugh and I will cry

Paper hats I do not like

And jokes to me are so unreal

And so as you hear these words

Telling you now of my state

I tell you to enjoy Christmas –

I wish I could but it's too late!

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017 (with thanks & love to Black Sabbath)

Office Christmas Party

Office Christmas Party

It’s that happy time of year again

Just a few more days to go and then

Someone organises the office Christmas party when

All your tedious colleagues have a yen

To rave it up, both the women and the men

Suddenly it’s reindeer antlers and paper hats

Santa outfits and snowy kitty-cats

Christmas jumpers sported by the twats

A chance to get as pissed as rats

How bad could it possibly be?

Inappropriate behaviour for all to see

Inhibitions loose and newly free

Debbie from HR’s showing a bit of knee

Gordon from Accounts always rushing off to pee

And Secret Santas beneath the Christmas tree

The secret for getting through these do’s

Is to create some gossip and some news

About who’s using the Stationery Cupboard as a ruse

Who’s crying their eyes out in the loos

And who’s the hottest person you would choose

Whilst knocking back the copious booze

There’s a cheesy disco, and dad-dancing under way

Enforced enjoyment is the order of the day

Definitely not the time to discuss your pay

The simmering resentment that makes you grey

Or the rumours that the Sales Director’s turning gay

According to the lads working in the Loading Bay

And as the sausage rolls & vol-au-vents begin to shrink

And you imagine that someone’s giving you the wink

You’re ready to declare undying love - you think

All’s looking well and you’re in the pink

Before your spirits can have chance to sink

It’s time to have yet another drink

The soundtrack’s from Wizzard and from Slade

Company loyalty & commitment start to fade

It’s time the photocopies of genitals were made

Time repressed sexual desires were displayed

Flirting’s now of the highest grade

And is anyone here going to get laid?

But, alas, the flowing drink is free no more

A situation that is frankly just a bore

That stingy boss pretends he’s poor

 Tomorrow lots of heads will be very sore

Meantime, to the crowd’s sarcastic roar

It’s time to slide disgracefully to the floor

The consequences won’t be hard to tell

Instagram will show the world how you fell

Not the best way to come out of your shell

Your professional reputation’s death-knell

A career-limiting night of drunken hell

Capped off by copious vomiting in the stair-well

And in the New Year what changes will await?

What will be your humiliation? Your fate?

You’ll get lumbered with a task you’ll hate –

To organise next year’s Christmas party date

You’ve been stitched up, and that’s not great

But, what did you expect from a work-mate?

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Hark The Herald

Hark The Herald

Hark, the harassed housewives sing
Plastic trees are just the thing
Shops are crowded,

Kids are wild
Useless tat is bought for child.

Sadly all the prices rise,

Seems that Santa's left the skies,

With the talk-show hosts proclaim,

Society is all to blame,

Hark, the harassed housewife sings,

I must buy Lord of the Rings.

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

The Holly & The Ivy

The Holly & The Ivy

The turkey and the gravy
With herbs and spices crowned
With all of the most tasty food
The turkey must be found

The wrapping of the pressies,
The pouring of the beer
The playing of merry boardgames
Shall aid our Christmas cheer

The turkey bears the wishbone
As magic as can be
And Christmas has the baubles
That hang upon the tree

The specials on the telly
The relatives are here
The drinking of sherry gladly
Will make this day less clear

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017

Some Alternative Christmas Cards

Some Alternative Christmas Cards(for when you just can’t find the card that says exactly what you really want)

Thank-you for your awful present

Thanks for that dreadful gift you bought me

It really made me awfully sad

I guess it cannot have cost you very much

So I’ve bought you one that’s just as bad!

May it bring you the misery of the season

It’s just what you deserve you fool

Here’s wishing you what you’ve got coming

So let’s both not bother next Yule.

On finding that the turkey will not fit in the oven

You looked so attractive in the shop

But now I cannot shut the oven door

There’s bits and pieces sticking out

And there’s stuffing falling onto the floor

I don’t care about the pigs in blankets

The roast potatoes I can wait to scoff

But I think I’ve solved the problem now

By cutting your bloody legs off.

On discovering Santa leaving presents

I know you’ve got a busy night

With so many kiddies you’re needing to see

Leaving them their long-wanted presents

Neatly stacked under the tree.

But did you have to force your way down our chimney?

Couldn’t you have remained silent and aloof?

And did you have to tread soot into the carpet?

And park that heavy sleigh up on the roof?

Now the house is collapsing around us

You’ve dropped all the family in a right hole

So gather up your piggin’ reindeer

And bugger off back to the North Pole!

On being invited round to the in-laws

Thanks so much for your kind invitation

To come to your house on Boxing Day

I know you’ve got to eat up the leftovers,

But surely there must be another way?

Cos we all agree that Grandma’s not nice to sit with

Not only that, but she’s smelly

Frankly I’d rather stop home at our place

And watch the hours of shite on the telly.

Thanks (to the vicar) for midnight mass

Thanks Your Reverence for the service last night

It’s almost impossible for me to believe

That so many people could pack out the church

And throw up in the pews on Christmas Eve

I suppose an excess of booze is to blame

So much vomit to be mopped down the drain

I don’t envy you as I languish at home

As today you get to do it all over again.

I’ll bet you’re glad Christmas comes but once a year

It’s tough being a vicar, but what can I say?

You signed up for this lark of working on Sundays

At least you can kick your shoes off till it’s Good Friday!

Season’s Greetings To The Supermarkets

Thanks for stocking all the things I needed for Christmas

Those goodies didn’t appear one moment too soon

I’m grateful that you got them all in so early

I really needed my Christmas cake way back in June!

It’s great that you’re open extra early and late

On your supply-chain you’ve exerted your powers

So we can stock up for a two week siege

Even though you’re only closed for twelve hours!

And I’ll be back in again on Boxing Day morning

Taking advantage of sale prices that are almost a gift

To help you get rid of the seasonal stock

That otherwise you’d have a problem to shift!

Get Well Soon

So sad to learn you’re having trouble -

Your flatulence comes in gusty bouts.

But it’s probably all your own fault

For eating one too many sprouts.

For Brussels can be the cause of many troubles

On this subject my poor heart grieves

I understand that this is what happens

If you swallow all the leaves

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017 

While Shepherds Washed

While Shepherds Washed

While shepherds washed their socks by night,

All seated on the ground,

The Angel of the Lord came down,

And passed the soap around.

“Fear not”, said he, for mighty suds,

Had filled their washing sink.

“Persil washes whitest of all

And does not leave a stink”.

“To you, in Devizes Town this day,

Is given a washing-line,

A tumble-drier, built by Bosch,

And this shall be the sign.”

“An extended warranty you shall get,

But in the smallest print,

All meanly wrapped in weasel words,

Until you’re nearly skint.”

Thus spake the seraph, and forthwith

Appeared a shining throng

Of Currys salesmen on the make,

Who thus addressed their song:

“All discounts be to you the buyers,

Please accept your guarantee,

And if it should go wrong all too soon,

Please don’t you bother me.”

Copyright Andy Fawthrop 2017